The next day was a Monday. No one likes Mondays, and I was no different. This Monday however was filled the last bit of trepidation I have felt yet, for I would see Carl at school. Would things be different? Will he stand up for me? Or will he just ignore me as usual? I was tense. My emotions were bouncing off the walls of my grey room like a PMSing twelve year old.
I walked into the school, trying to seem as normal as possible. Left, right, right, ignore those bastards they know nothing, left, two doors down. Maths. I swung my bag down on my usual seat: the small desk in the back left corner of the room. Within no time at all, a boy sat next to me with the full intent of harassing me. I sighed and rolled my eyes. It was time for another round of 'fuck with Jim! Round one goes to whichever feeble minded jackass comes up with the best insult!' It was demeaning to say the least.
I tapped on my desk, nervs taking the best of me. Aim or try, badum bum bum, badum bum bum. Every time the door opened I turned to see if it was Carl. The imbeciles surrounding me finally caught on. "Oh! Lookie here! Has Jimmy got the eyes for someone?" "It sure ain't a girl if that's what your sayin'!" Laughter erupted after every insult. If they had at least used proper grammar… Well I could've cared less; I was used to their bullshit and their insult of the English language.
Finally, Carl appeared. I tried to look calm and casual, but when our eyes met I turned away and blushed. This small action gave the apes the match they needed to try and burn me. "Look at the fag blush!" "He's eying Carl?" "Jesus this little faggot's got nerve!" My fists clenched under the table. I imagined taking a corkscrew and drilling a hole in the chest of their leader, promptly filling it with lemon juice. I bit my tongue to keep from smiling, it was quite an amusing image. Maybe, I thought, I'll burn each one of his damned pimples off his damned face while I'm at it. If you're ever in a situation like mine, I highly suggest the "imagine your enemy screaming and bloody" technique. It really lightens the mood.
"Oy!" The sudden interjection burst through my lovely thoughts. "Leave him alone." I looked up to see who my knight in shining armour was. I was shocked and sweetly pleased. It was Carl.
The gaggle of boys turned to stone, surprised by Carl's reaction as much as I was. Carl slid into the seat next to me. "Fuck off. You haven't even given him a chance yet." Carl waved at them in a manner which said 'off is the general direction in which I would like you to fuck.' If this had been anyone else, anyone, he would have been added to the list of fags to fuck with. But this was Carl Powers. Carl fecking Powers. You don't fuck with Carl. He was the god of the school. So, everyone dispersed. Just like that. I was in shock.
Carl laughed and put his arm around me. "You alright there? You look as if someone just popped your cherry." He gave me a sly smile and squeezed my shoulders.
I shook myself out of the trance. "Erm thanks. Carl." I glanced in front of me. Half the class was gaping at us. I grinned. I was invincible. I felt powerful. I felt free.
"Oy!" Someone yelled from the front of the classroom. "It's been 15 minutes! We can leave!" The class erupted in cheers. Carl stood up and put his elbow out for me to take. I clumsily stood up and swung my bag over my shoulder, linking arms with him.
Yeah. I'm yawning too. I can feel you screaming 'Get to the good part! Let's see you kill again!' Hold your horses pet, it's coming. Let me skip a few parts... About a month later is where I'll pick up. By this time we were so attached at the fecking hip, we might as well have been the same person. It was the closest to normal I've ever been. But I wasn't normal. I was still the 8 year old that undermined a shrink, and that 11 year old who pulled off the perfect crime of murdering his poor ol' mummy; I just had an older face now, and the desperate need for something good to finally happen to me.
That didn't save the life of that dog; or those birds for that matter. What? At least I didn't kill a cat!
We were at a swimming meet. Our team needed one more win to be able to advance to the next stage of the competition, and we'd be able to go to London. Getting ready for our final swim, Carl and I were getting ready together by our selves in the locker room. I was laughing. It was real, legitimate, laughter. There was no faking, nothing I gained by laughing, I wasn't intimidating someone, and I was just a normal kid. My luck, I thought, had changed. It didn't take too long to prove me wrong.
"James?" Carl looked down at me, intently staring at my face, preparing to study a reaction.
I looked up at the older boy with a big stupid grin still plastered on my adolescent face. "Yes Carl?" Smiling down at me, the boy wrapped a well-toned swimmers arm around my waist. I looked down at it, confused slightly. However close Carl and I were, there was nothing sexual to our relationship.
Carl looked at me and leaned in to kiss me. Quickly my smile faded as I backed out of his grasp, my back colliding with one of the lockers in my haste. Carl scowled. "What?" The anger in his face screamed madness; I should have run when I had the chance.
"Carl," I started timidly, "I... don't do that." Carl slowly started stepping towards me, and I had nowhere to turn. I was trapped.
The older boy sneered. "What do you mean don't?" He walked towards me slowly; in his eyes I could see the madness sparking. "You little shit. You've practically been begging me to touch you. You've been basically on your fucking knees for some of my attention." Carl calmed for a second and stretched out his hand to cup my face. "Its what you want."
I looked at him for a second, confused. I had no idea how to react, all I knew is I don't want that from Carl. I didn't want that from anyone. Looking into his eyes I recognized the look in his eyes from when I first saw him. Now I realized it was ugly greedy lustful fecking lust. I tried to squirm away from the boys grasp but only succeeded in angering him further. Tears started welling up in my eyes. "Please, I don't want-"
"The FUCK you don't want it!" Carl's eyes were blazing. I felt I would burst into flames if he continued to stare at me like that. Leaning down, he roughly forced me into a kiss. I was frozen. All I could hear was the beating of my own heart, painfully confirming that I was still alive, no matter how much I didn't want to be.
Tears rolled down my face. It was my only defense. I know, really shitty. But no matter how you prepare for shitty situations, you don't know how it's going to happen until it happens. Usually you get bit in the ass while you're frozen solid crying to yourself about how stupid you were or how you should probably move that fucking ass of yours and do something. You won't be able to though.
I felt a rough hand grab my wrists, pulling them over my head. I felt his kisses all over my face and neck. I felt his tongue kick away the tears. I zoned out. I tried to think of happy things. I tried to ignore the boy's free hand on me. Don't think of his anger James. Don't think of what he's doing to you. Don't think of where that hand is going. Don't think of how angry he is about the lack of reaction. Happy things were few in my life and I was distracted. I finally settled in the beautiful image of my mother hanging from my window, or the bastards at my school being sliced open and buried in lemon juice. Yes. Lemon juice. When life gives you lemons, pour their lovely juices down the whipped raw back of your enemies.
Footsteps echoed around the locker room. "Carl?" The older boy jumped and quickly backed away from me. "You in here?" The voice of my saviour was one of the sweetest sounds I've ever heard. I slumped down against the wall, sitting down on the cold tiles with my head in my hands, wiping the tears from my eyes.
"Yeah mate, coming." Carl looked at me with an eyebrow raised in a menacing glare. "You fucking tell anyone about this," he bent down, whispering maliciously, "and you'll wish you'd never been born faggot." Carl turned and walked away, leaving me to wallow in my own self-pity.
The voice I heard turned the corner and saw me sitting there. "You alright Jimmy?" That name. I glared at the tile and sniffed my away, sobering at the mention of that goddamned name.
Looking at the boy I put on a faux smile, I wasn't trying to scare the boy shiteless, but I must admit, it was a welcomed power play. "Never felt better. I know I'm up next. Just give me a second here," I paused, staring out into the ether around the boy's feet, "gimme a second." Blinking slowly I stood up, sizing the other boy up. The adrenalin was pulsing through my vein like a raging fire, and at that moment I wanted to use that fire to fecking kill someone. I paused for a moment, basking in the fear from his eyes that was caused by my own intense look of insanity. "I'll be out in a second."
I watched the boy leave and brushed off the imaginary filth of his presence. Grinning slightly, I felt those well known words fill my head: aim or try, aim or try. Striding out into the pool area I wiped my last tear from my eyes. Human sentimentality had been tainted, and the person responsible was going to get what was coming to them.