I realize that the plot at hand might not work when the current Gintama arc ends, seeing as the story might have a lot of character changes. For the sake of making this story light and fun, I won't be using any events past the afro arc.

Aaaand, you've all seen Charlie and The Chocolate Facotry and Harry Potter: the Chamber of Secrets right?

ExtraCheeseCake happy to hear from you again (as always). I'll keep on spoiling you if you keep on reading, reviewing and complimenting me! :D If your friend likes Gintama, she/he would surely like it if you tie her/him up like one of Sougo's Ms and force read her/him my fics right? What's that? You value your friendship? Oh ok, no problem as long as you stick around!

TwistyEmerald I know what you mean, it's so serious all of a sudden! (I'm loving it though, and I'm crossing my fingers in hopes that a certain sadist comes and rescues a certain redhead.) I took your words to mind, and figured that I'd have a little more fun on Kondo's expense, that's what he's for anyway. I threw a subtle Okikagu hint in the mix here, I'm taking my time with developing the relationship. Too much time? Meh, I'll figure out something.

Without further ado, here's part three!

Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama

Kagura's Not So Super Sweet Sixteen – part 3

Kagura entered the bathroom right after Gintoki and Sougo. Kondo was passed out (again...) on the floor, still naked.

"Woah!" Kagura exclaimed. Gintoki placed his hands over her eyes.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I didn't want you to feel lonely with these weirdos Gin-chan."

"That's still no reason for you to walk into a men's bathroom!"

"Is too! It's not like I haven't seen the male anatomy before," she forcefully removed Gintoki's hands. "You pass out naked and drunk a lot Gin-chan, especially on the toilet." She noticed a small shift in Sougo's expression. It lasted only a second before it changed back to its original deadpan state.

Gintoki smacked Kagura in the back of her head. "You should knock before you enter my bathroom!"

"I do knock, it's not my fault that you're too hangover to wake up and get dressed yes? I have the right to pee in the morning - just like everyone else!"

"Could we focus on Kondo" Sougo interrupted them and knelt down beside the Shinsengumi chief to check his pulse. "He's still alive."

"Why's he passed out again?" Kagura wondered.

"More like; why is he still naked?" Gintoki added with a lazy expression.

Sougo looked in the bag that Yamazaki had brought with him, "it's empty" he noted.

Kagura came over and kicked Kondo violently in the stomach. "Wake up gorilla! You're ruining my birthday and my innocence!"

"Oi!" Gintoki grabbed the yato in the arms and dragged her away from the victim. "He won't ever wake up if you kill him!"

"And you have no innocence; danna already took it away from you." Sougo grabbed Kondo's hair and dragged him over to the sink. He turned on the water and watched in silence as the hot waterfall burned the commander's skin.

Gintoki tossed Kagura to the side "You're supposed to use cold water when you try to wake someone up, not boil their face!" he ran over and turned the knob to 'cold', saving Kondo yet again. "What's wrong with you kids, don't you have any common sense?"

Sougo shrugged "he's not waking from the cold water either, so we were both wrong." The yorozuya leader hit him in the back of the head.

"You were the most wrong!"

Kagura used her hands to lift her up from the floor. "Maybe someone pressed his 'off button'?"

"What do you mean, off button?"

"I mean like the one Tama-san got."

"Kondo isn't a robot!"

"But he's a gorilla, and gorilla's share 98 % same DNA as robots yes?"

"No, you're getting it totally wrong!" Gintoki started to feel exasperated "where would this button even be?"

Kagura took a cylinder out of her yukata sleeves "It's in here yes?"

"Hey! What are you sticking up in the gorillas a*****e!"

"It's an anal probe," she said like it was the most natural thing ever.

"Where did you get an anal probe?" Gintoki demanded.

"All yatos are required to have an emergency anal probe in case we want to be rescued" she looked him in the eyes and added "or take over a planet. The mother's hip needs coordinates yes?"

"I think you mean mother ship, and is it okay to send them your coordinates?"

"It's probably fine, I haven't activated it yet."

Sougo took a bottle of mayonnaise out of his pocket that he'd stolen from Hijikata. He pushed it up with the probe *click*. A large antenna shot out of the gorilla's butt.

Gintoki's face turned white, a few sweat drops on his forehead. "What did you do that for?"

"I wanted to press Kondo's 'on-switch'" the sadist answered nonchalantly.

"There's no such thing!

"Of course there is, all men have an on-switch in their a****e" Kagura nodded knowingly.

"That's another kind of on-switch you idiot!" the silver-haired man started to wave his arms frantically. "Who taught you this stuff! It sure as hell wasn't me!"

Kagura shrugged and slid a finger up her nose. "Maybe I saw it on Animal Planet?"

Gintoki stopped his waving when he realized there was a bigger issue at hand, "what do we do if the yatos decide to take over earth?"

"Then they'll kill Hijikata, I think that's worth the casualties."

Gintoki grabbed Sougo's jacket collar. "I'll make them kill you first."

"We're getting off topic yes? Weren't we discussing how to wake the gorilla?"

"That shouldn't be our priority anymore; we should warn the Shogun and have him prepare an army!"

"Look, there's a note under Kondo's bag," Sougo pointed in its direction. Kagura grabbed it and read it out loud.

I have poisoned Kondo.

You need the antidote to rescue your leader.

Flush the toilet three times and face me in my lair.

- K

Kagura did as the letter said. The toilet disappeared in to the wall and revealed a hole with a ladder in it. The redhead's eyes started to sparkle "Ahh, I think I just found the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets Gin-chan!"

Gintoki released Sougo from his grip "I don't care about the gorilla anymore. I'm going to call the Shogun and have him prepare for our impending doom." He was about to walk out of the bathroom when Sougo grabbed his arm.

"Relax danna; you can do that after we rescue Kondo," the sadist said and pushed the yorozuya leader down the hole. They could hear a loud thud when he hit the ground below. Sougo was about to jump after when he realized he'd forgotten something. "We should cover up Kondo before we leave."

Kagura agreed and pulled out some toilet paper from the stall next to her. She placed it on top of Kondo's face. "Now he'll keep his dignity." She said.

The birthday girl approached Sougo and kicked him down the chute. She watched as her rival fell down and grinned when she heard him hit the ground. She jumped right after; her feet first.

Kagura had anticipated a harder landing, but was glad when she fell on something soft. She looked beneath her, she was standing on top of an unconscious Sougo. "Oooops," she said and jumped off him. Gintoki was sitting next to her, rubbing his head, blood streaming down his face.

"You damn brats," he looked around. "I didn't know there was a hidden room beneath the old hag's shop."

"I told you, we found the Chamber of Secrets yes?"

"Then you're in charge of killing the basilisk," he said sullenly. "Wake up soichiro-kun so we can get this over with."

Kagura nodded and grabbed the sadist's jacket collar. She slapped him three times in the face. "Wakey-wakey."

Sougo's eyes flickered. "The light, it's too bright… sister, SISTER IS THAT YOU, WAIT FOR ME I'M COMING WITH!"

"Oi, you're losing him. Quickly, give him mouth to mouth."

"No, you do it Gin-chan." Kagura pushed Sougo's face nearer Gintoki.

"No, this isn't a yaoi fanfic, you do it!"

"Kondo-san, you're here too? What's that? Hijikata isn't with you guys? I will join you in paradise, hold on!" Sougo's breath began to weaken.

"Shit we're losing him! Hey wait... the gorilla is already there!? Then we don't have to save him, Kagura-chan, leave the sadist behind. We can just push Kondo down here and say the basilisk did it."

"What if Mayora starts asking questions? He said he was coming back for them yes?"

"Then we'll kick him down here as well. We'll get rid of every Shinsengumi member 'til they leave us alone."

"Good plan Gin-chan!" Kagura dropped the sadist down on the ground. "Should we get out of here?"

"I see no reason to stay." They both rose from the floor.

Sougo finally came too, he grabbed the back of Kagura's yukata. "You're seriously leaving me here to die?"

She turned her head and looked him straight in the eyes, she had a look he couldn't quite distinguish "You're the one that wanted to join your sister and the gorilla in paradise"

"I have unfinished business here…" Kagura broke the stare and looked away. Sougo sighed, "I can't go to paradise before I've sent Hijikata to hell."

Her face soured and she kicked him hard in the head. "If that's your reason for staying, I'll rather send you to hell myself… then I'll send the Mayor-freak after you so you can spend eternity together."

Gintoki placed a hand on her shoulder. "Calm down Kagura-chan." Sougo gave him a grateful look. "Your hands are still clean; let the basilisk do the dirty work for you."

That was it! Sougo pushed himself off the floor in one swift movement. He was about to unsheathe his sword and kill them both when a large shadow appeared behind him. He was about to turn around and face the creature when Kagura stopped him. "You'll die if you look it straight in the eyes"

"How do we even know if it's a basilisk."

"I told you, this is the Chamber of Secrets yes?"

"You're so persistent, how can you even tell we're in the Chamber of Secrets."

"Because I'm pure of hearth and finally got to enter the wizard world, I'm no longer a muggle like the two of you."

"No, you get the chocolate factory if you're pure of hearth! You're not pure of hearth like Charlie; you're a glutton like that German kid!"

Gintoki slammed their heads together. "Oi, keep still. The basilisk will surely attack if you don't calm down."

"Ow, that hurt Gin-chan," Kagura said sullenly.

"You're the one who should calm down danna."

He paid them no mind. "How do we attack something we can't look in the eyes?"

"We should call for a phoenix!" Kagura got another hit in the head "ouw!"

"We're not in the Chamber of Secrets."

"Then there's no basilisk either."

"Ok, so I won't have to close my eyes when I attack it right?" Gintoki stepped forward to face the shadow. He got a glimpse of a large lizard-like tail as the monster moved closer to them "Nope, it's definitely a basilisk, everyone cover your eyes and attack without mercy."

They all closed their eyes and were ready to attack the beast when someone yelled for them to stop. "Don't hurt my Basilian!" They opened their eyes to again to see who it was. A Purple-skinned amanto with an antenna in the forehead approached them.

"Like hell!" Gintoki yelled and struck down both the basilisk and it's owner, knocking them both unconscious. He sighed. "let's just get going… the sooner we get this over with, the sooner I'll get to go to sleep." He started to walk into the tunnel in front of him.

Kagura and Sougo both made sure to step extra hard on Prince Hata's face before they followed the Yorozuya leader

Hope you all enjoyed it; keep on reading and reviewing. Was this good/bad? I can only evolve with experience, I'm not Pikachu (huhu, get it?)

'til next time!