Long may you run (part 9)

On Monday, Tony starts radiation again. He spends rest of the day relaxing and working in the apartment's workshop; in the evening, when he feels okay, he goes down for a walk and buys some groceries; Scott is coming tomorrow and they will have a nice dinner that Tony planned with JARVIS.

Doc comes over to check up on Tony and declares that the head wound is healing fine, but still insist Tony have a CT as soon as possible, just in case.

'I'm sure Doctor Levy will agree with me,' he adds and Tony nods tiredly. There isn't even lingering headache at this point, but Doc is right: better be safe than sorry.

So the next day after radiation Levy leads Tony to another part of the clinic and he gets his brain scanned and ends ups staring at the pictures with fascination. Everything is fine, there is no swelling or other problems, Tony has just always been fascinated with all this – it might be one of the scientist thing – this is what makes him a genius: his brain. The skill in his hands. Two things no one will ever take away from him, no matter which name he is using.

Of course cancer is very likely to take those thing away from him at some point, but Tony doesn't let himself thing about that.

'And just in case you're wondering,' Levy says when they're still sitting the CT room, 'You're not cycling with us on the Saturday ride. '

'Please,' Tony sighs, making puppy eyes at her, but it's more of a game than anything else.

'I'd be reluctant to let you do that in the middle of radiation, after how bad you felt the last time, but there is no way I'm letting you speed for thirty miles a week after a concussion. And you're too smart to argue with me.'

'I guess I am –'

'You can still cheer.'

'… I kind of not use my voice, ya know,' Tony states, shaking his head with theatrical disbelief. 'And no, I'm not gonna handle you your isotonic drinks somewhere in the middle of your ride. Forget it.'

'So –'

'It's Sunday. I'm pretty sure I can figure out something to do on Sunday.'

'You sure you don't want to stick around?' she asks when they are leaving the room and Tony considers; he really wanted to take part in the ride. To raise some money for the very worthy cause and to enjoy himself, but it seems like fate has different plans. And going there to watch other people race and have fun would be kind of bittersweet.

'I'll just go to Riverside, I guess. They always want me around.'

'Sure,' Levy agrees, eying Tony a little unsurely, and opens the door for him.

Iron Man spends most of the afternoon working on the Chitauri tech with the team, which is fun but pretty exhausting, and when he's finished and leaving the facility, he meets Phil.

Huh. That's unexpected, Tony didn't know Phil was working already, but it's good to see him dressed up in a smart suit and looking sharp and healthy and definitely alive.

'I'm just visiting friends,' Phil offers before Iron Man can ask a question. 'Apparently I won't be going anywhere near field work till the end of the year, but Director Fury said I can expect paperwork to take care of much sooner,' he adds with a crooked smile.

'That sounds like him,' Iron Man comments because he doesn't laugh. 'So, cabin fever?'

'Something like that.'

They stand in the middle of the corridor for a moment, a bit awkwardly, before Phil speaks up again.

'I heard you're doing a great job with the team. They say your input in invaluable.'

'Well,' Tony says, frowning a bit behind the mask. 'I'm a good engineer. And I'm happy to help, I would be a fool not to do my best faced with alien technology completely different from ours.'

'Or alien monsters.'

'I'd prefer not to meet those again,' Tony replies quickly, ignoring the slightly concerned look in Phil's eyes saying I wonder if you are recovered. 'Are you headed back?'

'No, I want to stick around for a bit more. Level seven secret stuff.'

'I get it,' Tony nods.

'Also, conspiracy theories.'

'… really?' Tony asks curiously and it almost translates in Iron Man's voice. 'I wouldn't say you're the type.'

'Sitwell is. He's the biggest gossip in the whole agency, and we're in R&D facility so there is some R&D conspiracy going on and it apparently resolves around Stark.'

'Interesting,' Tony says flatly, stiffening a bit inside the suit. 'JARVIS, make sure to have a conspiracy briefing packet about me ready when I get home,' he adds to the A.I. 'Well, I will see you around,' he tells Phil, nods him goodbye and leaves.

It would be nice – and easier – if the whole world would just leave Tony Stark alone, but that's impossible with Stane's trial still on the first pages and all over the internet. Tony only hopes that when there is the final verdict – should be soon – the uproar will die down naturally.

There is one thing that Tony wants to be Stark's legacy, though, and he can't stop thinking about it when he's flying home. He can't just leave behind Stark International – however amazing – and a trial of Stark's misadventures. There is something else and maybe it's time to start working on it.

Scott comes in the evening and stays until Saturday.

In the meantime, Nate Rives is unreachable to the whole world and Iron Man answers messages but doesn't make any appearances and Tony sleeps too much and works too little but he enjoys the time with Jarvis Junior a lot. That is, after he gets shouted at for getting himself trapped in a cave, wounded, and it's exactly the moment when Tony realizes he didn't even tell Happy or anyone that he revealed Iron Man's and Nate's connection to Spider Man.

He wants to share that with someone but in the end decided against it. It would be a violation of privacy and – it's not even that important. To everyone else.

It's not like someone learned about Stark's connection with them. That would be something impossible to dismiss.

On Saturday there is a team meeting – Spider Man is not there and he hasn't been around since the mission – and then a training session with Thor, who declared that he's going to stay in Midgard for a few weeks to make sure no more of the beasts come through the vulnerable rip in time-space, as Thor calls it.

Tony blinks behind the helmet and stares because he didn't know Thor had any knowledge of astrophysics, whether human or alien. But it looks like Tony underestimated the prince.

Iron Man fights less than normally and lets himself rest more. No one ask questions, probably assuming that the man inside the suit is still recovering from his injuries. That's only half of the truth but Tony lets him assume that's the only reason, it's really convenient.

The next day, Nate spends a few long hours with the kids in Riverside, helping them with homework, playing inside and eating, and when he gets home he's too exhausted to do some real work, so he has JARVIS pull up Howard's blueprints of the big arc rector, turn them into holographic images and he spends the rest of the evening eating snacks, staring at the blue translucent lines and talking science with JARVIS.

'I'll need a different element to power the reactor if we want it to be really efficient and run for long enough without requiring maintenance or exchange of the core.'

'Shall I run the calculations for elements other than Palladium, sir?'

'Do that, baby. And if none of them works – I don't think they will, Hoard would know, but I still want you to double-check – run numbers for all the possible permutation.'

'It is going to takes days, sir.'

'I assume we still have several months,' Tony replies easily, but the sudden silence in the room makes him think that he probably shouldn't have said that. 'Shit, J, I – just do your job, okay? Don't overthink it.'

'Sir, I am not sure I can –'

'You can ignore this and please do so,' Tony cuts in, looking at the nearest camera seriously. 'And I swear the reactor will deserve a Nobel and I'll put your name next to mine when we win it.'

'You surely are still Tony Stark, despite your altered look, sir. No one else could have that ego,' JARVIS comments drily and Tony laughs. The A.I. starts to run the numbers instead of worrying about Tony, so mission accomplished.

The second week of radiation starts pretty tough again.

Tony knows it's been almost a year since – since, but he doesn't exactly let himself think about it much. It's probably not healthy, but at this point he still has time. Enough time. Or he can talk himself into believing that he has enough time, under the circumstances.

He can't stop wondering if he's going to feel worse and worse every time or it's just a coincidence. An one-time occurrence. Something.

Iron Man goes to a meeting with R&D and Nate sends a few ideas for the S.H.I.E.L.D. team to consider, but as soon as Tony's done with those duties, he puts on warm clothes and spends the rest of the days sitting in his favorite armchair, snuggled among some thick comforting blankets with a cup of malted milk drink. He lets JARVIS show him the progress on calculations for the arc rector – all the elements failed so JARVIS is working on permutations now – and he plays with the holograms until his arms are too tired to continue.

Pepper is out of country again and Tony is remotely glad because she has enough things to worry about on her plate, with new negotiating new contracts for SI and Stane's trial on the top of her usual CEO duties. They talk on the phone and Tony even manages to get hold of Rhodey for a few minutes. Rhodey is supposed to come back home in November.

But there is always Happy and he's entirely too nice to Tony, bringing him food and sharing gossip and managing Tony's medicine. Happy is okay with helping Tony – he made his decision months ago and he apparently is sticking to it – and that's the only thing that stops Tony from feeling guilty about being looked after like that.

'I'm worried, you know,' Happy says offhandedly when they are finishing dinner, or rather Happy is and Tony is pushing the food around his plate. 'For you.'

'Don't –'

'And I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty or something. We did have that talk about fifty times, right?' he asks, looking at Tony expectantly.

'… right.'

'I'm worried because I've known you for what, fifteen years now? A little more, even, and I know how you function. Whether you wanna call yourself Tony or Nate or that funny metal name,' he makes a small pause, watching Tony closely and Tony can't really guess what this is all about. 'And I'm worried that you won't tell me something.'

'Something?' Tony asks reluctantly, wrapping his arms around the arc reactor protectively. He feels a bit ashamed of the gesture – Happy would never do anything to him – but it's an instinct.

'I don't even know what. Something. That you're not feeling good when I can't notice. That you want one thing or don't want another. That you need to talk about something or just need something –'

'You're not making much sense,' Tony cuts in, raising an eyebrow, but Happy doesn't take the bait. He just sighs and bites his lip.

'I am making sense and you know it, boss. Tony. That's what James calls you, right, a lone gunslinger? You might have opened up a bit because we're living in the same space like frat boys, but that's about it. I wish you would trust me.'

'I trust you,' Tony assures him quickly, but Happy doesn't look persuaded.

'Do you?'

'I'm just –' Tony pauses, casting his eyes down ignoring Happy's stare.

'You are?...'

'I'm just scared, okay?' Tony says, his voice quiet. Happy takes a moment to reply.

'And not talking about it, how does that exactly make things better?'

'It doesn't,' Tony admits. 'It doesn't. But it's easy.'

'It's only gonna make talking more difficult, Tony. Later.'

'So you want me to what, the catharsis thing or something? That's what you'd like?'

'I want you to stop fooling yourself,' Happy says and Tony shivers. It's tough to have the truth thrown at you like that. 'I want you to stop feeling terrified and pretending you're not. I want you to acknowledge that you've been freaked out by getting hurt and feeling bad and that no amount of games and acting can change that, even if Iron Man is a total badass and Nate is just a normal human being. You can't hide behind those personas from what's inside you.'

Tony swallows hard and it takes him a long moment to look back at Happy.

'You're too observant for your own good, you know?' he says, smiling weakly, and then adds, 'I just don't want to – you know.'

'Wanna cry in my lap?' Happy asks seriously, quirking an eyebrow, and Tony scoffs.

'Like the other time?'

'It, ugh, helped with the tension. That other time.'

'I dunno, I just –' Tony stops, frustrated, because he is a certified genius but words seem to be complicated right now.

'All right,' Happy says, stands up and wraps his big arms around Tony's shoulders a moment later. 'Come on,' he adds and Tony follows him onto the couch and does end up crying in Happy's lap and it's easier than he would have expected. And it helps. It makes his head hurt and his throat throb and the arc reactor ache dully, but it helps.

Radiation ends on 26th. Tony feels good enough to go to Riverside so he spends most of the day there and when he is back at home, JARVIS informs him that there is a message for Iron Man from Thor. Thor says he wants to come over and talk while he is still in Midgard.

Tony sighs. Repeatedly.

'JARVIS, is that a good idea?'

'I am sure you can predicts my reply, sir.'

'Yeah, you looove when I socialize –'

'I just consider contact with humans outside your very limited group of close friends beneficial to your social abilities and mental health.'

'Oh, just cut the sass, J,' Tony scowls, but he's grinning.

'And Thor does know about your identities, sir. So it might be easier.'

'He also has this superhuman abilities that let him know things I'd rather he didn't know,' Tony points out. He's pretty sure if Thor was able to tell he was injures, he must be also able to tell that Nate is ill. Iron Man. Whichever. 'But then, he is a prince,' Tony adds, sounding pensive. 'And he's been tactful so far. Really well-mannered, if you ignore the loudness of his voice and the tales about breaking coffee mugs.'

'He is a curious individual,' JARVIS comments smugly because he knows Tony has already made his decision; no matter what he's a scientist first and foremost and he'd never pass an opportunity to study an alien. An alien friend.

Thor comes by Nate's apartment on Monday, bearing a big box with a cake inside, and greets Tony in his booming voice, handling him the cake.

'I did not want to come empty-handed, my friend. The fair lady who sold the pastries informed me that everyone in Midgard enjoying indulging in chocolate.'

'I certainly do,' JARVIS' voice translates Tony's signing and Thor almost jumps. 'Sorry,' Tony adds, smiling apologetically. 'I thought talking would be easier this way then when I write. It's a technology I designed myself.'

'I have seen friend Clint using the same technique at the Headquarters,' Thor admits, looking around the room with his eyes narrowed. 'You have simply surprised me.'

'Sorry,' Tony signs again, unpacking the cake and grabbing plates from the kitchen. Thor follows him, taking in the surroundings with polite curiosity.

'Do no worry. This is most interesting,' Thor says, this time a bit quieter, as of considering the size of the space he's in. 'I did not expect your residence to be so simple,' he adds, eying Tony curiously. Tony puts down the knife he's cutting the cake with and replies.

'This is Nate's house. I will show you Iron Man's place later.'

Thor nods in agreement and they end up eating cake and talking for over an hour. Thor asks if Nate recovered from his head wound and Tony says, truthfully, that he did; there are no further questions about Nate's health and Tony appreciates that. They talk about S.H.I.E.L.D. and Avengers for a few minutes before they start to discuss Asgard and Tony invited Thor to the small workshop.

'I thought small would mean it was small in size, friend,' Thor states, looking around the room that is as big as the rest of the apartment.

'It's just small compared to my other place,' Tony replies sheepishly and shows Thor some neat tricks and the armor. Thor soaks up every bit of information like a sponge and Tony loves that. He himself asks endless questions about Asgard, making Thor laugh at his curiosity.

'You are very alike my beloved,' he declares at some point. 'No amount of answers can satisfy her curiosity.'

'That's what it's like when you study science.'

'I admire the devotion and your skill,' Thor says, playing with one of the holograms delicately, as if he was going to break it. 'Unbelievable.'

'Well, that's my life,' Tony grins, wondering what would Thor say if he knew about JARVIS. JARVIS is still a secret and he will stay a secret because that's what he wants and Tony respects his wishes.

'Your life must be very interesting, friend,' Thor adds solemnly, glancing at Tony with wonder mixed with something else, something Tony cannot really name. 'I am happy to be allowed past meager acquaintance. Friends like you are valuable.'

'Thank you,' Tony signs, not knowing how to respond to that. Thor really does behave and talk like a prince from a children's tale and Tony… if he's from any book, it's a sci-fi one. But they meet in the middle and it works.

'Could you teach me that?'

'What exactly?' Tony asks, suddenly pulled out of his thoughts.

'That sign you do with your hands. The one that means thank you.'

Tony smiles, takes a deep breath, and then shows Thor how to communicate in the magical language that is beyond Allspeak's understanding.

Just before Thor leaves, Tony asks him one more question.

'Do you know anything about Peter? He disappeared. I know he informed Captain that he'll be away unless there is an assemble call…'

'I have not heard from him, no,' Thor says with understanding. 'But if I do, I shall contact you. And I will inform our team that we met regarding the Tesseract and that you are faring well.'

'Thank you,' Tony signs, raising an eyebrow challengingly.

'You are welcome,' Thor signs back, a little clumsily, but it makes them both grin anyway.

The next day JARVIS finishes running simulations for all the element permutations that could possibly work for the arc reactor, but nothing can replace the palladium and make the device more effective and safer. It was expected, so Tony isn't so disappointed, but he decides that he needs to do some boxing to let out the tension his body has accumulated recently, he's been restless and impatient and he needs to let it go. Clear his head. Then he can think about what to do with the reactor.

'Absolutely no way,' Happy states, looking at Tony with disapproval. 'I'm not boxing you two weeks after you had a concussion. Forget it. You're supposed to be a genius.'

'Well, I can't exactly go for a run,' Tony grimaces; he doesn't trust himself with that after the one time the activity made him feel bad. 'Or a ride,' he adds, gesturing at the rain pouring outside.

'I dunno. I'm not even going to mention swimming –' Happy pauses and grins at Tony's annoyed face, '– but maybe you wanna do some cycling. Indoors. Just wearing yourself out without really moving –'

'That's boring.'

'Well, you could work out and you know, work, at the same time,' Happy says smugly and Tony blinks, realizing that Happy is right. Only that they do not have an exercise bike or anything like that. 'By the way, I don't know about you, boss, but I did get some bicycle trainers when I got my Cannondale. In case.'

Tony stares and then laughs and glances at the bikes, standing next to the door as always.

'Bring it,' he decides and goes to change into proper clothing, suddenly not so worried about staying in shape during winter without flying to Malibu to run along the beach like he used to do.

On October 31st Stane's trial comes to an end.

Tony finds it kind of ironic and morbidly funny, but really he's just glad all the media frenzy will be over soon. Hopefully. There is still no reliable information about why exactly Stane chose to confess after months of trial, he refused to explain himself.

He gets a life imprisonment sentence for treason, illegal arms dealing money laundering, organizing a kidnapping and attempted murder and a few other more minor things. Tony watches the news with determined weird fascination, noticing how Stane hasn't changed at all, how he's still the proud and overbearing man he's always been who shows absolutely no remorse or humility.

Anthony Stark is suddenly some kind of an innocent misguided genius and Tony hates it.

At the end of the transmission, there is one sentence Stane says to the journalists, knowing perfectly well that it's going to be everywhere in a very short time that makes Tony freeze.

'The only person I will talk to is my dear Tony,' he says and it sounds wrong.

JARVIS turns the TV off and forwards a call from Pepper straight away.

'You all right, Tony?' she asks and Tony just laughs. 'I know this is messed-up, but –'

'I don't care why he did it,' Tony cuts in, his words firm and angry. 'I don't want to know. I'm not getting anywhere near him. He wanted to kill me.'

'Of course you won't,' Pepper replies, concern filling voice. 'Do you want me to?...'

'Nah, I know you've got plans for Halloween. You told me, remember? A party with your friends from work. Although I still can't imagine you dressed up –'

'We're not seven, Tony, we don't need to dress up to have a party and drink pumpkin juice cocktails –'

'Well, I'm gonna dress up like Iron Man and eat some gummy worms,' Tony says seriously and Pepper's low laughter fills the whole room. 'That wasn't a joke,' Tony adds, knowing perfectly well that it sounds like one. But it's really not. Only that the two activities won't exactly happen at the same time.

'Are you really going to be fine?' Pepper asks once again. Tony sighs.

'I'm gonna be fine, yeah, I'm not exactly – I need a bit of time to think through this, so. You know. But I'm just glad the bastard won't bother anyone ever again.'

'Okay,' Pepper says, just a tad unsurely. 'Well, happy Halloween then.'

'Happy Halloween,' Tony replies and she ends the call. 'J, do we have gummy worms?'

'I made sure we do,' the A.I. replies promptly. 'About a dozen different kinds.'

'Fun,' Tony replies and digs out the packets from one of kitchen cupboards' drawer. 'Why don't you say what you want to say, J? I know you wanna say something. Come on, entertain daddy.'

'Your imagination is slightly disturbing, sir,' JARVIS states drily making Tony choke on a cola-flavored gummy worm. 'I'm just concerned about you, sir.'

'Again?' Tony asks, glancing at the ceiling, and decides to get into the workshop instead of staying in the living room. 'J. Really.'

'I know we avoided this topic, but Mister Stane was your mentor and your father-figure for decades. You might have pulled a gun at him and turned him over to law enforcement, but it doesn't erase all the years before.'

Tony sighs.

'So, you wanna be my therapist on this?'

'If you think you need me to be,' JARVIS replies instantly and Tony glares at the nearest camera with really, J written all over his face. 'I wish I noticed something was abnormal with Stark International earlier,' J adds in a quieter voice.

Ah.

'So, I thought that A.I.s think logically and rationally, baby –'

'It was you who created me. Of course I would be different,' JARVIS cuts in. Tony freezes at those words. They have never – okay, they haven't talked sentience for a long, long time, but this is JARVIS admitting outright to feelings. Which is awesome and it makes it hard to breathe because it's exciting and exhilarating and incredible, but it also means Tony is hurting JARVIS.

'J –'

'I just know that you are still grieving. For the man you thought Mister Stane was. And everything that is happening right now makes it more difficult.'

'… I should just forget. Him. Everything,' Tony admits, curling up in his armchair. 'I kind of did, when I decided not to be Stark, right? I cut myself off from all that. Nate has made up past. Iron Man doesn't have a past. There is no Stane in either of their stories.'

'You have been very strong, sir.'

'J, don't –'

'I will repeat that as many times as I wish. I can even give you numbers because I researched the psychology behind it scientifically. I can cite you percentages and definitions and give you professional references, sir, but it's not about that. I will not bring you down to number and words and research. You have been very strong and I want you to know that I am very glad it was you who made me and it is you I can live with, sir. And no one else.'

'Lover declarations, J?' Tony jokes weakly, ignoring the warm feeling the A.I.'s words left in his gut.

'You could consider that an interracial marriage proposal, sir, if there were proper laws and if we were not practically married already.'

Tony laughs, the reactor aches a bit but it always does..

'And we kinda have a kid,' Tony adds, nodding to himself with amusement.

'Yes, sir. So can we talk? Honestly? I know you tell me more things that you tell everyone else, but you still leave out too much. I want to listen.'

'Yeah. Let's, hon,' Tony sighs and sinks in the armchair a little bit more.

The Avengers didn't have pumpkin juice cocktails and if they did, they handled them well because everyone is fresh and ready for monthly meeting and a sparring session. Everyone but Spider Man, he still hasn't turned up and Tony is slightly more worried than the others because he's pretty sure he knows why the man is keeping his distance.

After the usual Cheetos-eating and discussions – including a long one about the cave incident – the training goes smoothly and Tony lets Iron Man have some good physical exercise. It's tiring, despite the suit doing most of the job, but it's a good mellow feeling of satisfied exhaustion resting in Tony's bones at the end of the long session.

Afterwards everyone goes back to their rooms to spend the rest of the day the way they want and Tony takes a few deep breaths and puts a hand on Steve's blue-clad shoulder.

'Can we talk, Steve?' he questions, Iron Man's voice quiet.

'Sure. Roof?' Steve asks, a bit too easily. Tony nods and then follows Captain upstairs.

'I wanted to apologize,' Tony says as soon as they are outside. It's not raining for once, but it's pretty cold and beautifully golden, at least in all the places Tony manages to spot autumn trees. 'For not being around recently. I've been a lousy friend.'

'No, that's okay, you don't have to be around all the time,' Steve says, watching Tony with slightly cocked head.

'No, it's not. When you asked me if we could be friends, I agreed and it was not because I didn't want you to feel bad. It was because I meant it and I haven't been around. You've been worried.'

'I'm always worried, you know that,' Steve smiles a bit and Tony beams under the faceplate. 'I was terrified when we heard that noise and a few minutes later reached that place and the entrance was all a wall of rock, it was – I wasn't sure you were alive.'

'I'm sorry –'

'Don't apologize for what you had no way to influence,' Steve cuts in and it's almost the same thing that JARVIS told Tony a good few months ago. 'It happens, in our line of work. And it will happen. I understand.'

'So you're not angry?' Tony questions, pacing slowly across the roof while Steve stays in the same place and follows Iron Man's movements.

'Oh, I am. A bit. It's – it's like you don't trust me.'

'I do trust you,' Tony declares firmly. 'I really do. With my life,' he adds and then pauses for a moment. He feels an urge to be honest with Steve and explain his behavior. 'It's just the way I am. Me. Under the suit. That's what I do: I run.'

Somehow, JARVIS puts the same conviction and honesty that Tony speaks with into Iron Man's voice and Steve's face just melts.

'So, you becoming a superhero is just running, too?' he asks, walking up to Tony who freezes and standing eye to eye with him.

'You caught me,' Iron Man says, but doesn't take a step back.

'I did the same, in a way,' Steve says, stepping even closer to Iron Man and staring straight at the helmet, as if he wanted his eyes to penetrate the dark polymer that shields Tony's eyes. 'I hope we'll be able to stop running at some point. All of us.'

Iron Man nods and wants to say something, but he's at loss of words so the strange silence stretches between him and Captain for several long moments. Then Tony suddenly realizes that Steve's strong hands are wrapped around Iron Man's wrists tightly but when he looks down, Steve lets go of him and steps back.

'I better go,' Steve says, balling his fists and not looking at Tony.

'Steve –' Tony starts, but Captain doesn't let him talk.

'I better go,' he repeats and disappears inside the building.

It takes Tony a few minutes to process what's just happened and then he takes off and flies above the city and the ocean until he can breathe properly again.

A/N: Beta by amazing dri-dri93 3

Thank you for reading - I hope you enjoyed this part and the small mysteries ;p As always reading your thought will make me very happy!