Long may you run (part 11)

Later in the week there is a meeting at S.H.I.E.L.D. that Nate attends, about the response system, and when he's leaving, he finds himself confronted with a person wrapped with an honestly disturbing amount of leather.

'Just the person I wanted to speak with,' Fury says, sounding exactly as dry as always, and gives Nate an overdue greeting nod. 'Come with me.'

Tony follows mostly because he is curious what this is about, even though he's kind of itchy to tell Director that he doesn't really have time. And disappear. But that's Tony Stark.

'I've heard a good word or two about your work, Mister Rives,' Fury drawls as soon as he's seated behind his big wooden desk. Tony is kind of surprised there is something that doesn't consist of metal or plastic or glass on the whole ship. Tony moves his hand to start typing, but Fury stops him. 'Especially from Captain Rogers. He speaks very highly of your work so far, as do the teams you've been working with.'

Tony nods, hands still hovering over the tablet, but it seems like he doesn't need to reply anyhow.

'I want you to make an A.I. for my personal use.'

'Won't the system we're working on enough?' Tony types, frowning slightly. 'It will have personalized profiles for all level seven and above users, as you know.'

'That means all those people will have access to it and that means the risk of this system being hacked skyrockets.'

'I can promise you that there won't be a way to hack the system,' Tony types and observes Fury staring at the words. Well. Tony certainly could make the system impossible to hack all by himself, not to mention when he's collaborating with other really smart people – and JARVIS keeping tabs on all the work.

'And I believe you, Mister Rives, but being paranoid saved my life and this organization more times than I care to count,' Fury says, standing up, and paces slowly along the one-way transparent wall, with the whole Helicarrier's main working area behind his back. 'I want an A.I. only you and me will know about.'

'Not even deputy director Hill?' Tony asks because it seems like a valid question; JARVIS reads it out with Nate's official voice so that Fury doesn't have to glance at the tablet. It makes the Director raise an eyebrow.

'It shouldn't interest you but yes, not even her. Can you do that?'

'You want a full A.I.? Like the one at HQ?'

'I visited the Avengers HQ on a few occasions,' Fury says and Tony keeps himself from blinking, he didn't exactly know that, 'Mostly doing business with Agent Coulson. I had the pleasure of meeting an A.I. that kept calling me Nick.'

'That was Steve's request,' Tony types quickly, trying to keep his face straight and making a mental note to ask JARVIS to show him the footage.

'And so did Captain Rogers tell me. I think the stubbornness you coded into the entity is adorable.'

Judging by Fury's voice, adorable is the last thing he'd call Ijon, but it seems that he was kind of impressed with Tony's work, since he wants an A.I. for himself. Tony wants to do a Stark again and ask Director if he's ready for the responsibility of raising an artificial baby but ugh, he has more common sense than that.

'Can you do that?'

'I can.'

'Time frame?'

'I'm pretty busy,' Tony replies truthfully. 'How big do you need it to be?'

'How is that important?'

'The A.I. will have the same code base no matter the size and it will work exactly the same way, but I need to know what kind of servers you'll need. Operational power. Think the size of its body.'

'Just for my personal use – and I'm pretty sure you're smart enough to figure out what kind of operations I'll need it for –'

'Him. Need him or her. Or we could have a gender discussion, but – not it.'

Fury pauses, turning his head towards Tony slowly and it's almost frightening, and then he smiles. It's a flicker and Tony blinks and wonders if he's just imagined that, but he can swear the smile was there.

'Make it him. Name him. I hear that's a thing,' Fury says and there is a real hint of amusement to his voice. 'I don't have time for shit – time frame?'

'I'll have it ready sometime in February.'

'See that you do – go now. I've got a two o'clock.'

Tony nods and disappears without a goodbye; as soon as he's out of S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ's perimeter, he puts on his headphones and laughs.

'Congratulations, it'll be a boy,' he tells JARVIS who seems somehow amused with the concept but doesn't fail to remind Tony that he'll have to fit the code-writing into his schedule.

'Or we could make Ijon do it and we'd have a grandkid,' Tony comments cheerfully, swearing that JARVIS roll his eyes if he could.

The second week of radiation starts normally, with the now-usual dose of nausea and headache and bone-deep tiredness and Tony mostly stays on the sofa, alternating between working on his tablet and watching movies while being coddled by Happy and JARVIS.

Then everything goes south because Tony just can't have a normal week: JARVIS speaks up and his voice is enough to make Tony stand up on his lightly wobbly legs and head for the workshop.

'Miss Potts has been ambushed by a group of unknown people, they are headed out of New York City right now. She managed to contact S.H.I.E.L.D. with an emergency message before her cell phone's signal was lost. I picked it up, too, a moment ago. It might have been several minutes since the incident.'

Coulson, Tony thinks. The man contacted Pepper a few times after Tony came back from Afghanistan and wanted a debrief, so it must have been Coulson to let Pepper know about S.H.I.E.L.D. and all that stuff. Of course Pepper learned more from Tony, but it was months after she first met Phil. He must have insisted on Avengers being sent out for this call.

Luckily Pepper knows better than to have her only tracker in her phone: there is this tiniest ruby earring she's always wearing at the top of her earlobe, almost impossible to notice unless someone is looking for it, and JARVIS is tracking her movements and displaying them for Tony.

'Sir, I would strongly advise against going there by yourself – from the security footage I was able to recover it seems that there are not many of the men and while they are armed, they seem to be aiming for a ransom rather than anything else –'

'It's Pepper –'

'– and Avengers will be dispatched within three minutes –'

'They won't get there quicker than me, I'm not risking losing the signal, they don't even know where she is –'

'You could give S.H.I.E.L.D. the information –

'And how exactly would I explain having information about a personal tracker on the CEO of Stark Industries? If the info doesn't come from a trusted source they'll think it's a trap – wrap the suit, J. Now.'

JARVIS doesn't have any reply to that and does as he's told, getting the newest model ready to use in less than five seconds and a moment later Tony's in the air.

Then everything is easy: Iron Man arrives at the scene, incapacitates the seven kidnappers and makes sure they won't be going anywhere. They seem pretty scared at the sight of the local superhero. Pepper seems to be mostly unharmed and Tony frees her hands and she peels the tape of her mouth since Iron Man's fingers are not fit to do such delicate work – and just when Tony kneels in front of Pepper and asks her to verbalize if she's okay, shock still visible on her pale face, the rest of the team arrives at the scene. Eight minutes late.

It's Natasha, Steve and Clint; Tony completely understands the lack of the other members.

'You're a fool,' Pepper tells Iron Man in a shaky whisper, inaudible even to supersoldier's ears, and then adds, 'Thank you, that was – that was the quickest rescue I've seen.'

'How are you here so – you took care of them?' Clint asks, frowning at the sight around. Tony caught up with the kidnappers when they were hauling Pepper into some abandoned warehouse outside of the city – how cliché.

Tony's going to have words with Pepper about her security. Many, many words.

'Was faster to fly here in the armor,' he says and asks JARVIS, 'Did they follow the truck's plate via city security cams?'

'It seems to, sir. I might have sped up the process a bit so that your arrival here would not be as suspicious as it could have been otherwise.'

'You, JARVIS, are an angel. Seriously. What did I do to deserve you?'

'You created me,' JARVIS replies smugly and Tony nods in agreement, turning his attention back to Steve who is now hovering over Pepper and wrapping a blanket around her shoulders and asking her to get on Quinjet so that they can take her back home.

Tony would love to take her himself and then shout at her and wrap his arms around her simultaneously, but that will have to wait. A debrief first.

Pepper gives him the tiniest nod that he returns and then the team in on the jet – another S.H.I.E.L.D. team has just arrived at the scene to secure it and investigate – and Iron Man makes his way towards the HQ.

Tony manages to lie his way thought the debriefing – they only talk with Phil who was declared fit for light duty, so no need to talk to Fury about this one – and Tony is pretty sure it's only because he has his face hidden behind en expressionless mask and his voice filtered through an artificial synthesizer.

'Can we talk for a moment?' Steve asks when everyone else leaves the room and Tony really wants to say maybe not now because his headache is getting pretty bad and he just wants to see Pepper and then lie down and doze off, but maybe Steve will address that last time they talked and if yes than Tony doesn't want to miss this or put it off for later.

'Yes,' he adds verbally and Steve.

'I am glad you managed to get to Miss Potts before they did something to her,' Steve says, starting to walk across the room in even paces, not looking up at Iron Man. 'Agent Coulson told me about her – they talked a few times. He said she's an admirable person,' Steve adds, confirming Tony's theory. 'He said she worked for Mister Stark.'

'I believe she did,' Tony says, that feels like the right thing to say, but it feeling right doesn't make it all less surreal, especially with the ache pulsating in his temples that makes him slightly dizzy.

'Just – thank you, for being quicker than us. Better than us.'

'I wasn't better, I –'

'You were and it makes me happy,' Steve cuts in softly, stopping his packing suddenly, but he's still not looking at Tony. 'I hope things like that make the running worth all the sacrifices –'

'Steve, if it's about the last time we talked –'

'Uh,' Steve sighs, shifting a bit, 'I just wanted to –'

And Tony really wants to know what Steve wanted to do, to say, to whatever, but the rest of the sentence gets blanked out by a sudden buzz in Tony's ears and oh god he's going to faint or throw up or something and he can't in the suit –

'J,' he manages to say and then feels JARVIS take control of the suit, he says something to Steve and then Tony feels his limbs moving in this strange way he practiced with JARVIS only a few times, not enough to be comfortable but enough to give in to the movements, and a few moments later – it feels like ages – he finds himself in a bathroom and hears a click of the electronic lock and then he takes his helmet off in one fluid movement and throws up; it's uncomfortable with his body clad in the battle armor and it makes his chest ache around the reactor and his head hurt even more, if that's even possible – but at least after a moment the nausea is gone and he can slump down on the floor with acidic taste in his mouth and his body suddenly relaxing and feeling like plasticine.

And, of course, Steve is right outside the door.

'Are you all right?' he asks and for a moment Tony doesn't know what to do because he can't reply in his own voice and the helmet it off, but JARVIS thinks for him and reassures Steve that Tony is okay speaking with Iron Man's voice through the bathroom speaker – thank heaven for people through enough to place emergency information system in the bathrooms.

'Are you sick? Do you need a doctor – is there anything you need?' Steve keeps asking and honestly, Tony is too tired to pay attention so he lets JARVIS reply for him as he fishes out his emergency set of pills and dry-swallows an antiemetic and a painkiller; now they just need a few minutes to kick in.

Tony spends the few minutes still sitting on the bathroom floor and almost managing not to wonder how ridiculous he must look, slumped on a fluffy bathroom rug in his tin suit, and how right JARVIS was about him sitting this one out. But – Pepper. He just couldn't.

The pulsating feeling in his temples remains but it's no longer almost-blinding and the nausea is mostly gone, so Tony decides he can make it home. It's not that easy for his vestibular system, to fly while feeling like this, but he has to manage.

Steve is waiting right outside the door when Tony walks out, suited up, and he has this terrible worrying face on him.

'I need to go,' Tony tells him in Iron Man's soft voice. 'I'm fine, but I need to go,' he says and walks towards the roof, with Steve following him silently, and then he takes off without explaining anything more.

Back at home, Happy notices something's wrong and shouts at Tony for maybe five seconds before falling silent, respecting Tony's need for calm, dark and stable surroundings, and he tucks Tony in and leaves him to sleep and rest.

'Pepper will come by as soon as she can. She's all right, just worried 'bout you,' Happy tells Tony before closing the door and Tony nods weakly, his cheek brushing against the pillow, and he falls asleep a moment later.

Tony talks with Pepper the next morning, the news about the kidnapping attempt is all over the news and S.H.I.E.L.D. is still interrogating the men who managed to pull of the whole action. They are refusing to tell who hired them, JARVIS says, but that does mean someone hired them. Tony would very much like not to think Stane, but he can't stop.

He won't know, though, unless Tony Stark makes a comeback and asks Stane personally. He's pretty sure if it was Stane, he would have someone else hire the men for him and therefore remain in the background, unnamed hand pulling the strings. And he would boast to Tony Stark.

'It doesn't matter,' Pepper assures him.

Earlier Happy drove Tony to the clinic and then back and he didn't let Tony get out of bed after JARVIS told him what happened in detail and made Happy even more angry with how incomprehensibly irresponsible going out as Iron Man was.

'What matters is that I had my favorite superhero rescue me,' Pepper adds and Tony cracks a small smile.

'Isn't that Cap?'

'I've never even met him before yesterday's fifteen minutes,' Pepper reminds him, stroking his bald head – it still feels so, so strange – as if he was a primary school kid sick in bed. 'But I have to admit, he is pretty gallant.'

'I guess he is,' Tony agrees and then lets Pepper help him with his broth; he knows better than to try to argue with her.

By Friday Tony is feeling well enough and he wants to drop by HQ and apologize to Steve for storming out like he did, but JARVIS refuses to get the suit for him.

'You will be at HQ tomorrow, sir, it is December 1st which means the monthly meeting and sparring session in which you will not be taking part.'

'I can't do that –'

'I just said that, sir,' JARVIS replies innocently and Tony exhales slowly, trying not to look annoyed.

'We've got to train – I don't know for how long Thor will be around and we need to get the whole team act together.'

'You were doing very well the last time –'

'That's exactly it, so we need to train to keep it up –'

'Sir, I am just worried that you will not feel physically fit for such a strenuous activity right after you finish this course of radiotherapy –'

'I know what you mean, J,' Tony snaps, and then hangs his head and massages his temples with slow circular motions, that helps him relax. 'Sorry, baby. I'm fine. I'm feeling as well as I can. I'm just – I don't want to slack off, all right? Or let them down.'

'You would never do that.'

'It feels like I would,' Tony argues, but JARVIS always ends up being right because he has so much more common sense. 'Let's not talk about this now – okay, so you won't let me go visit Steve today. What do we have to do instead?'

'Well, you can always try crossing off another line from your do-now list, sir.'

'Well, tell me something I don't know,' Tony replies, raising an eyebrow at JARVIS, and looks at the list displayed insanely on his tablet. 'Let's have some fun,' he says, tapping at the line that says furious baby, Tony insisted to JARVIS' dismay, and they start to work on the code because there isn't that much time left to get the job done.

The Avengers meeting goes exactly as usual, the team is presented with a mission and Tony brings up some arms trafficking JARVIS has picked up a few days ago and Iron Man gets his own op, too, and then they talk about the previous month's activities and all the plans for the future. Thor doesn't know when he'll be going back to Asgard, but probably in the near future, although no one know what that means in Thor's case.

Tony even does the sparring, having persuaded JARVIS not to be overprotective, though he stays out of the most heated parts of the mock-fight between Hulk and Thor that doesn't look anyhow like a mock-fight, and he takes it easy to make JARVIS and the rest of the mother hens happy.

Afterwards, Spider Man waves him a happy goodbye before disappearing with Clint and Phil in the media room, followed by the rest of the team, and – almost a tradition now – Tony ends up alone with Steve.

'I'm glad you're being responsible,' Steve says, giving Iron Man a smallest smile.

'As in?'

'Not pushing the training. You're really good as is and we're coming together perfectly as a team.'

'… Thank you,' Tony says, not exactly sure what to do. Steve is standing a few feet from him but is still staring at his feet and behind Tony's head most of the time, and it all just feels strange.

'I know I asked you this about million times by now, but are you okay?'

'I am –'

'Because I've got to admit that I was surprised when you rushed off like that – worried. And then I thought you'd run away from HQ but you locked yourself in a bathroom and I thought about – safety, pulling footage, but you know, Ijon told me, as if he was reading my mind, that there are protocols preventing anyone from using him to uncover a secret identity of someone else,' Steve says with this soft frown between his eyebrows. 'I didn't know that. I didn't – I didn't even think about that.'

'Nate added it himself, I'm sure,' Tony replies, telling Steve the honest truth. Nate and Iron Man do know each other, vaguely at least, as far as S.H.I.E.L.D. knows, so it's okay. 'It's something he would do.'

'I'm glad,' Steve says even though he doesn't exactly sound like that. 'About the other night –'

'We don't have to talk if you don't want to –'

'I just wanted to ask if you'd fancy a roof meeting – we haven't done one in a few weeks –'

'Won't it be too cold for you?' Tony asks, genuinely curious about supersoldier's body. Scientific interest.

'It's okay if I dress properly,' Steve assures him and Tony nods. 'I just want to grab some food,' Steve says sheepishly and Tony nods again and follows Steve into the kitchen.

When they are on the roof, Steve has this sad face again.

'Why the long face?' Tony asks after a few long minutes of silence; Steve usually isn't the one to keep quiet.

'I'm – it's been almost eight months since I… woke up,' Steve says, shrugging slightly under the blanket wrapped around his shoulders. 'And it doesn't get easier. I thought it would, it was naïve, but I thought it would. You've taught me so much and I still know nothing and I don't feel like this is any closer to being home –'

'Steve,' Tony cuts in, leaning forward and putting his metal hand over Steve's, knowing that Cap will appreciate that even though it must feel freezing cold. 'You're doing better than anyone expected –'

'It's not enough,' Steve says firmly.

Tony laughs because he is so fucking familiar with the feeling of not doing enough.

'It'll never feel like enough,' he tells Steve, JARVIS doing a perfect job with Iron Man's voice. 'It never feels like enough. There are always buts and second thought and wishes, you just – you just feel it more strongly because everyone expects you to be perfect in all possible ways just because sometimes you're a hero. You need to teach yourself to slow down and ignore everyone, including a voice in your head, who tells you it's not enough.'

'Why can't you believe in those words yourself, sir?' JARVIS' quiet voice says into Tony's ear and he shakes his head, leaving that argument for another time.

'Everything still feels strange, even the things I hold in my hands every day. I know how to make everything work, but it's strange.'

'Thor said the same,' Tony says, deciding in a fraction of a second that hey, he can do this. For Steve.

'Thor? You talked with Thor?'

'We had a few words. You know, in that cave, we were by ourselves for a few good hours…' Tony adds, that's not the whole truth, but it's not a complete lie. 'You should talk to him. Maybe he would understand things better than I do because everything is different angle with me.'

'Thor is a great man,' Steve says, his eyes thoughtful. 'But he does seem a little bit… overbearing?'

'He's actually much more than he lets on,' Tony assures Steve. If he can't help – he's been trying, right, he really has – then he's sure Thor will understand Steve better.

'Yeah, okay, I'll do that while he's still here.'

'Good,' Iron Man declares and pulls away. 'Now, eat those fries, I'm sure they are completely cold already.'

Steve takes one and munches on it for a moment before smiling at Tony weakly and taking another one.

Sunday after lunch, Tony gets a message from Spider Man via Avengers contact email and asks if he could come over and play with Nate's toys for a bit. Tony texts him meet me there at 2 and proceeds to eat his lunch with Pepper; when they are done with gossip and SI business and exchanging are you okay, Tony takes one of his cars and drives through the empty streets. The city look surreal, almost black and white, the only color standing out being red of car's braking lights. It's only the middle of the day but heavy cloud are hanging low and making the space look small, almost claustrophobically cozy, and block out any sunlight that might be trying to get through the greyness.

Sometimes when Tony is busy with things, it's easy to forget why he loves this city so much – all cities. They have something unspeakable to them. Just like the poem goes: Holy the solitudes of skyscrapers and pavements! Holy the cafeterias filled with the millions! Holy the mysterious rivers of tears under the streets!

He is so lucky to be here, in this special place, even now despite preferring the city in spring or autumn, sometimes in summer when it's not too hot and stuffy with scents of dirt and gasoline. Winter feels detached and it makes him feel like hiding in a blanket nest and not getting out at all, though he's never had that particular luxury.

Huh. Mental note: maybe it's time to try, there always has to be a first time.

Peter is waiting by the workshop entrance – it looks like a boring brick house from the outside – and greets Tony enthusiastically as soon as he sees him. Or Nate.

They play in the 'shop for a few hours and Tony promises Peter that they can meet a few times a month and brainstorm; Tony loves to see the younger man working, it only assures Tony Stark's dreams about having Peter work for SI. He is mouthy and a bit sloppy sometimes, and funny, he's a complete geek and not hiding it, too – but he's smart. Tony likes that combination.

'I'll see you on Tuesday,' Peter says before adding a goodbye and sneaking out of the workshop after nine p.m. Tuesday is the team mission, somewhere in Arizona, fortunately not involving aliens this time, just regular national security problems. It's planned for two days, with a regular S.H.I.E.L.D. mission plus Clint and Natasha already on site doing recon, and then Tony will have two days to get ready for his solo in Japan, of all places. At least he can shed the suit and have some good sushi, he was in Japan at least once a month as Tony Stark and that's one of the few luxuries he still misses.

The team mission is easy – for Avengers – and luckily involves no causalities and no civilians involved as the whole deal take place in the middle of a desert. Tony would do without more deserts than he's already had the pleasure to visit in his life, but it's not like he has a say in this matter.

When they are going back, Iron Man gets on the jet with the rest of the team plus Coulson to get the debriefing done and let everyone get rest as soon as they are back in New York; when they all are done with their oral reports and Clint opens his usual snacks, tossing an additional bag of Cheerios at Spider Man, he gives Natasha a quick look – she nods slightly – and then he turns towards Iron Man.

'If you don't have any plans for Christmas, we're having this theme party on 25th,' he says, voice muffled by the chips he's putting into his mouth.

'I'm sorry but I do have plans,' Tony replies politely, looking at Steve's reaction from behind the faceplate, but Steve doesn't seem to be actively listening.

'Well, sure,' Clint nods and pushes the bag towards Natasha, who wrinkles her nose slightly but does fish a few curly chips out.

'No offence, but it'd suck for you anyway, Man of Iron, since you wouldn't be able to eat the turkey and stuffing and all that,' Spider Man adds and Tony can clearly hear the amused mocking in the other man's voice. Luckily no one hears his sigh.

'Maybe another time,' Tony adds, knowing perfectly well that him be active on the team the next year is almost impossible – if he lives to the next Christmas. That's not so obvious.

'Okay,' Clint nods again and goes back to focusing on his food, on the rare event of having someone else fly the jet for the team.

Nate is in S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ giving Fury a two-sentence update on the A.I. before the Director rushes out somewhere and Nate goes to the meeting with his team. When he finally leaves the room and is headed for the exit, he meets Bruce. It's probably not a coincidence, not that it matters.

'Hey, Nate.'

'Hello,' Tony signs, smiling.

'I'm consulting on something,' Bruce says, explaining himself even though they both know it's not necessary. 'I, uh, wanted to see how you're doing?'

'I'm fine,' Tony signs, knowing that Bruce knows those signs, too. Bruce frowns, nods in understanding, and then quickly eyes Nate head to toe.

'We were just wondering – the team – if you have nothing better to do, we're having a Christmas celebration at HQ. You could come. I know you have your own affairs, but I want to ask. In case.'

'I'm sorry,' Tony signs, 'I have something organized already,' he adds, typing quickly. 'Thank you for thinking about me.'

'Yeah. Sure. I don't know if I'll see you anytime soon, so, you know – Merry Christmas in advance.'

'Merry Christmas,' Tony types and then signs, 'Goodbye.'

Bruce signs back, makes one more of those shy self-conscious smiles of his, and disappears at the next turn.

Tony doesn't really have any specific plans for the rest of the day, so he puts on his earphones and talks with JARVIS for the next three hours, as if he was normally chatting with someone over the phone, as he chooses gifts for all the Riverside kids, picking out a present for each of them separately, as personalized as Tony can think of.

Other than the kids, he doesn't need many more gifts. Just one.

Tony's solo mission – as easy and simple as arms smuggling gets, Tony wonders if it's holiday luck with all the almost pleasant ops – is on weekend so he misses being in New York in time for the annual Stark International Christmas Ball, spending his time somewhere on Okinawa instead, and on Sunday there is another event that Pepper attends – and, apparently, wins some kind of a prize for the Woman of the Year, for all the work she did on keeping Stark International afloat, especially at the beginning of the year when Tony disappeared, and then during the attack and the rebuilding of the city, she really deserves it more than anyone else. It would have been impossible if not for Stane's confession and clearing Tony's name, and, in consequence, proving her trustworthiness.

After Tony has slept enough to get the heavy feeling out of his bones, he eats lunch with Pepper in his workshop – closer to SI tower – and congratulates her with a kiss and a hug and Pepper calls him silly and laughs at him mirthfully.

'So, have you bought yourself a special award cabinet yet?'

'Tony, don't be silly –'

'You know I'm clinically incapable of not being silly,' he cuts in, looking at her over his perfect French baguette sandwich. 'Also, don't bother, I'll have Dummy make you one for Christmas. He likes shelves and screws.'

'Of course he does,' Pepper sighs and resumes eating while JARVIS plays them a season-themed episode of some medial drama Pepper likes a lot and Tony can't remember the name of.

There is a team meeting on Sunday 16th, still with Thor but without an official team sparring session. They talk about the missions and plans for the next year, leaving summing up 2012 for the first meeting in January, and before Tony realizes they all get up and start leaving the room. Tony is sure Steve wants to talk to him from the looks he's been shooting Tony during the meeting, but it's Thor who comes up to him first and asks Iron Man to follow him to his quarters.

'Of course, Thor,' Tony agrees and gives Steve, the last one to leave the conference room, a long look meaning I'll see you afterwards, pretty sure that Steve gets it.

'I will be leaving for Asgard the day after tomorrow and I know not when I will come back to visit you, although I surely desire to come back as soon as duty allows me. I want to thank you, friend, for showing me all the beautiful things I was able to see in your own home. It was an exceptional experience.'

'I'm glad we could talk about all those things – I learned a lot, too,' Tony replies, smiling behind the faceplate, and thinks about the enthusiastic stories Thor told him in his loud voice.

'I wanted to thank you for suggesting Captain to come and talk with me,' Thor adds, his voice a bit serious now, though he hardly ever seems perfectly serious; maybe it's just the positive energy he's constantly radiating. 'I know that I do not seem to be an introspective person to you, given my atypical demeanor and my lack of knowledge of this realm. It makes me happy to know you managed to see beyond the impression and share that with Captain.'

'So you did have some bonding time with Steve?'

'I merely explained him how we Asgardians deal with the knowledge of all nine realms, each of them differing greatly from ours, and with the exploration of them. It is like being born anew, every time we find ourselves out of our familiar time and space.'

'I'm really glad you're here for Steve.'

'It was my pleasure to help Steven,' Thor declares, nodding slightly, and then he meets Tony's eyes. 'I do not know the traditions of your festivities, but I wish you a happy time until we see each other again.'

'And you too, Thor,' Tony replies and stretches out his gloved hand. Thor shakes it firmly and then gives Tony one of his blinding smiles.

'Go, Iron Man. Captain is waiting for you. And –' he makes a short pause, as if he was hesitating, 'Please do take care of your health, friend.'

Tony swallows, his throat suddenly dry, and he nods before disappearing in to the corridor. There comes the question of exactly how much can Thor feel about the people who surround him. Tony still doesn't feel brave enough to ask.

He finds Steve in an empty media room, now completely silent and cozy.

'Hey.'

'Hey,' Tony replies, stopping a few steps in front of Steve. 'You were looking at me all the time during the meeting. What's on your mind?'

'I –' Steve starts, but he stumbles and doesn't seem able to choke out anything more.

'Steve. Please,' Tony says, wondering how on earth he landed himself in this kind of a situation, with half-panicking Captain America at arm's reach.

'Okay, this is silly and sudden and I shouldn't – I want to ask –' he trails off again, but then takes a deep breath and continues. 'This is surreal and I'm so clumsy – I'm terrible at this – Peggy told me just that –'

'Steve, just stop this and ask me like you'd ask, okay?' Tony cuts in, pretty sure that Steve isn't going anywhere with his nervousness. There is a moment of thick silence.

'Can we be more than friends?' Steve asks and the words are so quick and jumbled together that Tony can barely make them out – but he manages to and wow. That's unexpected.

Then Tony realizes what Steve has just said and freezes.

'Steve?'

'Iron Man?'

'I – I don't know what to tell you,' Tony says honestly, wishing he could get a drink. Or ten, or anything. 'It's kind of unexpected –'

'I know, all right?' Steve asks, laughing drily. 'I know, I'm just –I've been thinking – you did tell me you like me a lot and I assumed – and I do too and it seemed –'

'You'd like to be – what would it even be?' Tony asks, perfectly remembering telling Steve that he liked him a lot. It was a good few weeks ago though… 'Boyfriends? Partners? You want to be that and you don't even know how my face looks, you don't even know my name –'

'It seems to me that I know the man you are,' Steve cuts in and it's more firm this time. 'The rest, it's irrelevant, it's just… packaging.'

Granted, Steve Rogers before and after the serum, before and after becoming superhero, it's the very same person with the same principles, the same dreams, the same morals, the same abilities.

But the person that is inside Iron Man suit isn't Tony, right? It's Nate. And that makes things a tad more complicated.

Tony doesn't really do complicated emotional things on spot too well, so instead of thinking about something more important, he wonders why would Steve even want such a relationship with someone that is basically a walking talking tin can.

'If you have some kind of a weird futuristic technological fantasies I think I can always lend you the suit,' Tony says, knowing perfectly well that it's a wrong thing to say, and Steve makes this disbelieving and kind of frightened face and Tony already wants to beat himself up for putting such sentence into Iron Man's mouth– but Steve bursts out laughing.

Tony blinks behind the faceplate.

'You're so silly,' Steve manages to say between bouts of laughter and Tony stares, bewildered, and ignored this tiny voice in his head telling him that if that's Steve's reaction, maybe he and Stark wouldn't hate each other so much. It's all just too surreal.

'No, it's just –' he tries to protest, but Steve doesn't let him.

'I don't want a physical relationship with your suit,' he says, now completely serious. 'I want Iron Man, not the armor.'

'That's –' Tony starts, but he doesn't really know what to say. He'd never expect Steve, of all people, to say any of those things. To say want. To wanta man. Congratulations to Steve for making Tony Stark speechless. 'That's – I don't –'

'It's all right if you don't want,' Steve says quickly, blushing slightly, for the first time since the beginning of the conversation. 'I guess I was just too bold, it's silly – ignore this, maybe we can ignore this?'

'No – what would be different?' Tony asks, voicing his thoughts. 'You don't want techno-sex, you don't even want my name, you don't seem to really want anything other than now… Do you want me to be around more? Because I could be around more, if that's what you need, I guessed you knew that. So why want to take a step further if we'd still be exactly the same?'

'I don't know –'

'You do know, otherwise you wouldn't have asked.'

Steve mumbles something Tony can't quote make out.

'Steve?'

'… I'd know, I guess, I'd know something is different between us. I'd know that even if we don't take it anyhow further, you really like me. That me and you, we're different from the others. It'd just be like – having a sense of belonging. But it's selfish and presumptuous of me –'

'No, Steve, that's – that's not it. I don't want to – if we take a step further, I can't lie to you,' Tony tells him, putting his armored hand on Steve's shoulder and wondering if Cap tensed under his touch. 'And I can't tell you the truth yet.'

'I get it,' Steve says in this quiet voice Tony hates. 'I really do.'

'I'm sorry,' Tony says softly. He knows he shouldn't feel bad and that Steve is already beating himself up mentally for this, but he really wishes he could do something more for Steve. Steve is – he really deserves to have someone.

Tony just can't be this person, given his – situation. Situations.

But it makes him completely bewildered to find himself thinking that maybe he'd like to be.

'Well, anyway, I've got something for you,' Steve says, his voice a bit more self-assured now, as if he dismissed what's just happened. 'Here,' he puts a nice burgundy box into Tony's hand and Tony has a peek inside, it's clumsy with Iron Man's hands – the box if filled with what must be like a pound of cookies.

'Thank you –' he says, JARVIS making his voice as warm as it really is.

'Made them myself. I hope you're like them,' Steve says, now smiling a little bit more, and Tony lets himself think that maybe it'll be all right. Even if he – can't.

'I've got something for you, too. Little thing,' Tony says and takes a tiny envelope out of one of his many pockets. 'Here.'

Steve takes the envelope and opens it, letting the few items fall onto his open palm – and then he smiles widely, everything else forgotten.

'I know you still miss them so much,' Tony explains, pointing at the original Howling Commandos trading cards from 40s. 'It's just a memory thing, but I thought – I hoped you'd like it.'

'It's perfect,' Steve says, fixing his bright eyes on Iron Man's faceplate. 'You know exactly what I need – you're an amazing person, Iron Man.'

'Don't exaggerate,' Tony laughs, but he knows Steve doesn't think he's exaggerating. 'I will – I will see you in a few weeks. January 6th, our first meeting of 2013, right?'

'Yes, of course –'

'… I will think about what you said,' Tony adds, absentmindedly twirling his mechanical fingers around the ribbon tied around the box.

'No, you don't have –' Steve starts, but Tony shakes his head and Steve goes quiet. Tony gets to Steve in a few steps and it's him to wrap his hand's fingers around Steve's this time.

'I will. I will think about it,' Tony swears, knowing that he'll have a hard time not thinking about it; then he lets go off Steve's hand and adds, before disappearing, 'Merry Christmas.'

He comes back home feeling confused and trying to wrap his head around the whole situation, all this identity crisis thing and the superhero stuff messing up with their heads – and Steve being so lonely, looking for something to hold on to – and Tony doesn't really know what to say.

There are a few weeks before he has to say anything, though, so he lets himself push this problem to the back of his mind for now and concentrate on getting ready for the holiday trip to Malibu. Since it might be Tony's last Christmas – no one says that aloud, but the words hand in the air, unspoken – he is determined to make it worthwhile.

On the last Saturday before Christmas Tony goes to Riverside and gives all the kids their gifts – they don't believe in Santa anyway – asking them to come up on by one and never mixing a single name, making them laugh at realization that he's been playing with them all this time. In return, he gets another box of Christmas cards and back in the apartment he takes them out of envelopes, one by one, just like last year; this time the wishes and all the words inside are more personal, since the kid know him.

He has JARVIS play his some holiday music – nothing too annoying – and tears up just a little bit when he thinks of the last year: last year he came back home a day after being told he has a tumor inside him that's killing him.

This time, it's a year later and Tony dares to think that it was well spent year.

Not perfect, but he has to settle for what he can make real, just like he told Steve.

The radiation has been postponed a week due to everyone leaving for the holidays, so Tony is feeling well when the next morning he leaves for Malibu with Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, Doc and Scott. With his best friends with him, he is determined to turn this time into a great memory.

A/N: Thanks to dri-dri93 & Kae for beta!

This is the last part of Long may you run. It was the longest part so far and an amazing adventure, thank you for all your amazing support! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what you think! :)

Next to come: I have been freed (of everything) - January 2013 - featuring more of the usual mess as well as a few intense dialogues and a monologue.