I have been freed (of everything) part 1

i have been freed

of everything: past present future

my heritage and my dreams and

self-awareness

as if a little empty shadow

was taking the place of myself

'I don't want to go back to New York,' Tony tells Rhodey when they are observing the last fireworks. The colorful explosions are reflected in the ocean surface in a way Tony's scientific mind can only admire for its perfection.

The rest of the crowd of five is still enjoying some of Tony's best champagne; he only had a sip because of his meds. Rhodey refused to drink, wantingto keep Tony company despite his protests. It's ironic: they used to get drunk every time they could, since MIT, right until that time on the plane to Afghanistan. Then everything changed.

'You really don't want to go back?' Rhodey asks, tugging his hands into his jeans' pockets, as if it was colder than it really is.

'I guess not really,' Tony says after a short pause. 'I just – it's warm here. It's nice here. I like it here, you know this, it's the first place I ever considered my home – and it's not even mine at the moment, I guess. Or is it? Legally? When Stark's been missing for almost a year –'

'Your life is one crazy thing,' Rhodey comments, shaking his head as he chuckles drily.

'Yeah, it is –'

'And you like it like that.'

'I do. Most of the time,' Tony agrees, taking the empty champagne glass from the table nearby and starting to turn it around in his fingers, watching the lights play in the glass. 'There's this thing.'

'So I figured,' Rhodey says, knowing Tony's way of talking too well to be misguided by Tony using half-sentences.

'But you wouldn't believe –'

'Try me.'

'It goes back to identity stuff. You know, the things we superheroes deal with all the time –'

'And yet you've never tried not to think about something this much,' Rhodey ends the thought for Tony who laughs. Exactly.

'Yes,' he admits. 'Two people know Nate's Iron Man – Thor and Spider Man. And yes, I know who he is but no, I'm not going to share. With anyone, not even with you. Code of honor, sorry –'

'But that's not the problem,' Rhodey guesses right, he knows Tony too well for his own good.

'No, it's not,' Tony sighs. 'I might need to tell someone else. Cap. Steve. Captain. I might need to tell him.'

That makes Rhodey blink a few times and then turn around slowly to look at Tony who is still not sure he wants – or knows how – to share this problem with Rhodey. With anyone else than JARVIS who know everything.

Tony's pretty sure Rhodey recognizes his confused face instantly.

'He told me he likes me,' Tony adds, a bit more quietly, so that no one else would hear. Not yet. 'Well, he told Iron Man.'

'He told you he what?!' Rhodey asks, turning sharply to see in Tony's face if he's joking. He isn't and Rhodey can surely see that. 'How – how does that even work?' he adds, frowning in a way that Tony reads as somewhere between curiosity and disbelief. He had similar reaction, but since then he's been thinking – he just cannot keep that out of his head – and he's getting closer to understanding. Probably. 'I'm out. You guys have the weirdest problems.'

'Iron Man is his closest friend,' Tony explains, wondering how much he can tell without making it too personal and crossing the line. 'As far as I know, he's the only person Steve shares everything with. The rest of the team, he's friends with them too, but they are kind of too involved with their own affairs and he doesn't want to interrupt – also, we just, I guess, get along?'

Then there were all the late-night meetings, almost-intimate and certainly very personal talks, the road trip, exchanging gifts, modern-life lessons, everything… Right.

'And you feel bad for lying to him – only that it isn't exactly not lying.'

'That's what he said,' Tony admits, smiling fondly at the memory of Steve's sincere and half-scared face back when they were having that talk. 'It's not lying, not telling him my name or anything else. It's protecting my identity. He said it's fine, but I –'

'Do you want that?'

Tony looks at Rhodey, raising his eyebrows, bursts out laughing and then waves at Pepper to signal her that they're fine.

'I'm dying, Rhodey. I can't afford – any of that.'

Rhodey doesn't reply, staring at Tony in this distant way he did when he found Tony in Afghanistan, sunburned and bloody and swooning from dehydration. Tony know Rhodey can tell the hollowness of his laughter so he doesn't say anything else, just grins at Rhodey in a way that is completely transparent to the colonel, takes him arm and leads them to the other three people who constitute the party.

They come back to New York on January 3rd and with the beginning of 2013 Rhodey is starting his job as the manager of Army's weapons contracts, with a horde of soldiers working under him, and he moves in to an apartment across the street from where Tony and Happy are staying.

'I'll expect dinners whenever I come,' he says, patting Tony's back and taking his suitcase out of the car. Scott flew home from Los Angeles, Doc stayed in California and they dropped Pepper at her apartment earlier, so it's just the three of them. After they part a moment later, Tony takes his small bag and makes it upstairs, leaving Happy to take care of the Audi.

'JARVIS, the team meeting is Sunday, right?' he asks as soon as he's inside the apartment.

'As it has been for over a year, sir,' JARVIS confirms, sounding significantly less sarcastic than normally. Tony would rather go for worried.

'I have to talk to Steve,' Tony agrees with the words the A.I. didn't say. 'And I have no idea what to tell him –'

'Do you have an idea what you would like to tell him, sir?' JARVIS cuts in, his words firm and soft at the same time. 'If you did not have to worry about anything? Would you say yes then?'

'I just don't know, all right?' Tony asks, throwing his hands up in the air as if he was in a movie. 'I've never really been in a relationship, a real one that was supposed to last or be important to either side, and I have no idea how this is supposed to work – I mean, Steve did say he just wants to know and it'd be okay, but it doesn't seem enough –'

'So you would say yes, if it was the only question,' JARVIS cuts in and Tony freezes in mid-movement, realizing that that's what he's just said, just in a typical Tony Stark evasive way. It doesn't seem enough.

He'd like to give Steve more.

Oh god.

Now, that's something he's gotten himself into.

'JARVIS, how long have I been doing – this?' he asks, waving his hand vaguely at nothing in particular. Suddenly, the space he's in feels stuffy and oppressive and strange and he feels like he needs more, some fresh air, anything. He makes his way to the workshop and manually opens one of the big windows, letting the cold winter-scented air sneak in through the narrow aperture. 'No, don't tell – how likely it is that he will feel totally betrayed when he learns Iron Man and Nate are the same person – Stark?'

'I could calculate the probability based on Captain Rogers' behavioral patterns I have in my database –'

'JARVIS, rhetorical, don't be creepy,' Tony scolds the A.I., taking a random screwdriver in his hand only so that his hands can focus on something.

'Sir, you have me do that all the time –'

'Not on Steve, okay?' Tony clarifies, then takes a sharp breath and laughs again. 'Oh boy, J, I just – I never wanted things to get that complicated.'

'Life is known for getting complicated,' JARVIS comments, of course he does, and there is this warm mothering note in his artificial voice.

JARVIS was spot-on about life getting complicated because Steve is not there for the team meeting. Well, there isn't much of a meeting, really, with Thor being away and Steve on mission with Natasha. Phil is back to working full-time, just not yet in the field, so he plays the boss and decides that they can hold the 2012 sum-up and strategy meeting the next week and everyone present agrees to that plan.

There's a short training they hold just because they want. Iron Man has a few rounds with Hulk and when Bruce is back to his small self, Tony has Clint make sure he eats and replenishes depletes his energy levels and Iron Man leaves.

He meets with Peter at the big workshop and shows him some more science toys that they haven't played with yet and they get lost in work. It's only when JARVIS reminds Tony that they should eat – JARIVS-speak for Sir, take your medicines – that Tony glances at the clock and notices that it's already seven p.m. It's hard to tell time inside the window-less space, especially when it's dark outside all the time anyway.

'Want to grab some dinner?'Tony signs and JARVIS puts it into words, making Peter turn around with his eyes narrowed.

'Dinner?'

'Yes, it's this meal people usually eat in the evening in this country?'

'…Thanks for the explanation,' Peter rolls his eyes. 'I have just never seen you eating. I mean. Either of you,' Peter explains, turning around in Tony's favorite rotating chair by the screen where they were observing some simulations. 'That's gonna be one of a kind experience – that's right, we can sneak into a casual place with lots of normal people and they won't know we've saved their asses, like, million times – oh. Yes. I get why that sounds familiar.'

Tony chuckles with amusement – it's such a typical Spider Man comment – and grabs his very warm coat.

'You like burgers?'

'Of course I like burgers,' Peter huffs, as if any other answer was a crime, and adds, 'But you'll buy me onion rings, right?'

'Sure,' Tony replies, rolling his eyes, and puts on his special gloves that let him type on his tablet even through the special Tony-designed snow/rain protection case.

They get burgers and onion rings and muffins and Tony lets Peter finish the food he can't eat himself, luckily without Peter questioning him about that – maybe people just figure he's thin so he doesn't need to eat much – and instead they reminisce some of the last year's team moments.

It's simply nice, to meet up with someone, get some food and talk. It's pleasant to do something instead of trying to fall asleep; Tony is tired but his thoughts keep spinning. It's been happening more and more, it's probably never been an issue before when Tony wasn't ill and his body could keep up with his brain.

Back at home, sleeping doesn't seem possible again.

'I guess I do need my fresh air again, J,' Tony decides after spending an hour on the sofa, with a movie murmuring in the background, trying to just fall asleep.

'I strongly recommend staying inside, sir. The temperature outside is very low, in addition to the snow precipitation of the last few days.'

'I'm gonna go crazy in here,' Tony whines, shuddering as he peels the blanket off his body and the slightly colder air engulfs him. 'Okay, I guess we're gonna fly.'

'I will prepare Mark XII for you, sir,' JARVIS declares, knowing better than to argue with Tony – at least he can control the temperature inside the suit and make sure it will be pleasantly warm.

Tony puts on some proper clothing, lets the armor wrap around his body, and a moment later he's flying over the city and the ocean and alone the highways going out of New York's heart like arteries; he can see the frozen white-covered land down there and it glistens and shines and seems unreal, colored with neons' and lamps' light, like one big Christmas decoration. Or maybe like a gigantic Disneyland seen from afar.

'It's 2013, J,' he says at some point, even though JARVIS knows that perfectly; the date and time and a set of other data is displayed on the suit's HUD all the time.

'Yes, sir,' JARVIS replies, waiting for elaboration that will surely come.

'You know what I just decided?'

'No,' JARVIS replies unsurely. 'I do not possess the power of mind-reading, sir, no matter what you say sometimes. Not yet.'

Tony chuckles at the comment – JARVIS really seems to have that ability – and then grins.

'I had this idea you'll like, baby. I thought – it's 2013, right? It's been over two years since my first… diagnosis. Over a year since I got the news. We've been through this, I know, but be patient,' Tony rambles, knowing that JARVIS is listening attentively, as always. 'I don't know how much time I've got left, exactly, no one knows,' he says in a quieter voice, calmer than he thought he would manage. 'I've got this whole nice set of medical exams and tests next month and we'll know better, but for now, it's – not long. It won't be long. And then today, with Peter, it was just so simple to be with him, so interesting, like move nights and random sparring sessions and everything, and I just thought – I think I don't want to avoid that anymore.'

'Sir, are you saying that –'

'I'm not revealing my identity to everyone, no,' Tony explains decisively. 'I just won't stop Nate from doing what we enjoy. No taking steps back. No hiding from people because I want to do things I enjoy and if by my own decisions-slash-mistakes I ended up being happy among that infernal group of madmen, then so be it.'

'I am very glad you made this decision, sir.'

'You would,' Tony laughs. 'That's what you've been wanting me to do, socialize. And I guess it is nice.'

'And Captain Rogers?'

Tony pauses for a longer moment, fixing his eyes on the world bellow him to which he is invisible, on the regular patterns of streets and houses that are so familiar and calming, and when he finally speaks up, he hopes JARVIS will confirm his words.

'You know, today when we were gossiping with Peter, he said this one thing – he said he's been around HQ more since that time he disappeared and he talked to Steve and at some point Steve told him he likes Iron Man and Nate the same, and it got me thinking, right? Did he lie to Peter or did he not tell everything to me? And – I don't know, but I guess he might suspect something. About Iron Man and Nate. So I just talk to him and try to get him to tell me what I want to hear.'

'I admit that specific words did make me curious, too, sir, but I do not have any answers for you. Will it be Iron Man asking?'

'It will,' Tony agrees. 'Now, take me home. It's 4 a.m. already, I might as well go and do some work before the clinic.'

'As you wish, sir,' JARVIS replies and flies the suit back home.

During the week, Tony hangs out with Doc and Happy – they even go to movies and watch something really brainless and have lots of bad popcorn – and spends his evenings flying. Sleeping seems to be easier after some time in the air so Tony takes full advantage of that and enjoys the calmness and the detachment that it gives him. He spends the days working and longing for sun and warmth that would reach his bones.

He's also pretty sure that he childishly doesn't want to sum anything up or make long-term plans.

At least radiation goes surprisingly smoothly this time and he doesn't even have to get too much rest which is pretty lucky because he really feels up to some team training. He took an additional dose of antiemetic in case he has to do some weird acrobatics in the suit.

Tony somehow manages to sit through the discussion part of the meeting, with everyone but Thor present this time, even if he's talking less than usually which makes both Steve and Peter glance at him more often than necessary.

The training is shorter than normal, given that there was a partial one last week, and Tony finds himself desperately wishing the minutes would stretch into hours, giving him more time before he talks to Steve, but they don't and much sooner than he'd like, he ends up alone with Cap.

'Steve, I need to talk to you,' Iron Man says when everyone has left the room. Steve gives him a small smile and nods curtly.

'Maybe we could go to my rooms? It's snowing outside, so the roof…' he trails of, shuddering a bit, and Tony understands the dislike of snow perfectly.

'Of course,' he answers shortly and follows Steve through the long corridors of the building.

'I didn't actually expect you to really think about that,' Steve admits as soon as the doors are closed and locked. Tony bites his lip, even though it's not visible to Steve, and takes in the room's look: it's big and full of light, despite the gloomy weather; Steve must have chosen the part of the mansion that has biggest windows in addition to being on the south-western side of building. There are many big plants, creating a greenish glow, and a few basic pieces of furniture. It all just screams Steve and Tony can't help but relax a bit and smile at this obvious translation of Steve into the space around him.

He is, after all, an artist.

'Steve,' he starts, gaining full attention from Cap who's been staring at something Tony can't quite catch. 'I'm gonna be – blunt with you, okay?'

'Yeah,' Steve says and his voice is suddenly subdued and he – he looks small, as much as it's possible with someone his built, and something twists in Tony's stomach.

'That's not – that's not what you think, at least I think it's not,' he says, feeling as if his brain didn't want to cooperate, but there's no way he can just walk out and go back to this conversation.

'It will make everything easier, sir,' JARVIS reminds him quietly, that little sneak, and Tony nods slightly.

'I know,' he tells JARVIS and then takes a breath and asks Steve, 'Do you have any guesses about my identity?'

Now it's Steve's time to suck in air and stare, but he's Captain America and he doesn't lie – no, he is Steve and he doesn't lie.

'I do – but,' he pauses for a fraction of second, Tony wouldn't notice if he wasn't looking for hesitation, 'You seem to know that already –'

'Can you tell me?' he asks softly, JARVIS translating the tone into Iron Man's metallic voice.

'I –' Steve starts, and then shakes his head unsurely. 'Should I? I mean, if I guess wrong –'

'I will tell you if you guess wrong,' Iron Man declares and Tony hopes so fucking much that Steve will say what Tony thinks he will because he'd prefer not to correct wrong assumptions. It'd just make things more difficult and complicated than they already are and that would be something.

They are still standing in the middle of the room, both in their Avengers suits, and it must look pretty ridiculous from the outside, Tony realizes, even if there is no one to see that. Other than Ijon and JARVIS maybe, but they – don't count.

'You are Nate,' Steve says and then presses his lips together as if he didn't believe he really said that, but it takes him only a moment to add, 'Right? Because otherwise it'd be pretty weird –'

'I am. Glad you guessed right, I think' Tony says, not taking the armor off yet. He is Nate underneath, sure thing, sans glasses he has hidden inside the suit, but it's still – he needs a bit more time. A moment to breathe in relief. 'You said you like Iron Man and Nate the same,' he adds before he can really think what those words sound like, but then it's done. 'Yet you asked Iron Man –'

'He's a friend,' Steve replies quickly – and then burst out laughing. Tony watches him, completely mesmerized, the sound of Steve's amused voice making him relax slightly. 'I don't know, it just – it felt more natural –'

'And if it turned out you were wrong, you preferred him over Nate.'

'I know him much better,' Steve explains and it's a yes. 'You. This is – oh,' Steve sighs. 'It's a mess.'

'I don't mind,' Tony assures him. 'Weren't you – mad? I thought you'd be mad 'cause not telling Iron Man's identity might be a thing, but this Nate thing, you know, being around you on both fronts –'

'I was kinda stunned when I came to this conclusion,' Steve says, blushing slightly. 'More awed than angry, I guess, you're – it's brilliant, to keep your act up like that –'

'But it didn't fool you,' Tony interjects, letting Steve words sink in and trying to understand how can Cap not feel betrayed but rather fascinated with Nate playing Iron Man.

In a way that's good: no one expects there to be a third person. No one is looking for Tony Stark here.

'It did for a long time,' Steve admits. 'I respect that.'

'What gave me away?' Tony asks because he can guess but he's too curious – and also, it's research. So that he can avoid any of those mistakes in the future.

'Nothing in particular and everything at once,' Steve says and laughs again, though this time it's shorter and somehow nervous; he clasps his hands together and twirls his fingers like a kid in trouble and Tony can't help but think it's absolutely adorable. Despite the situation. 'I just have too much time on my hands – I don't really have anything to do unless there's a mission, otherwise I just stay at HQ and train or read or draw or do all those little things and have nothing else to occupy my head with…' he pauses to take a breath and then sighs. 'So, one thing, there's a similarity in the way you both move, it's – it's difficult to explain, it's nothing obvious 'cause the suit makes the movements more mechanical, sharper, slower in a way – unless you are fighting – but there's this certain way you're holding yourself – both Iron Man and Nate are – and I just kind of noticed that all of sudden one time you – as Nate – were checking up on Ijon –'

'And then you started to wonder because you had nothing better to do,' Tony concludes, making a mental note to try to see the way of holding himself that Steve mentioned.

That's the thing, Tony realizes: Steve is anartist. He notices things other people don't, in shapes and movements and light. He notices things no one else is looking for.

It's – dangerous.

'Then? Then I figured I've never seen you two at the same time, admittedly that's not conclusive because I don't see neither Iron Man nor Nate very often, but it was something, and then they both kind of disappeared after the cave incident,' Steve keeps explaining, turning around and walking towards the kitchenette and Tony follows him a few steps behind.

Steve's making tea. That's so like him.

'And then there was this one time you rushed off to the bathroom and then babbled – Iron Man did, I guess? – something about security protocols that I knew nothing about, despite designing each piece of the safety system with Nate – and that was a red flag. I think. And then it all just seemed… probable, I guess? Not impossible?'

'You –' Tony starts, but he's not sure what to say, his eyes fixed on an actual kettle on the stove, letting out bouts of mist. 'That's very observant,' he says because he's still feeling a bit surreal – even though he came here with the intention to leave Steve knowing Nate is Iron Man.

'If it weren't for this relationship thing, I don't think I would have ever noticed –'

'How so?' Tony questions, titling his head and blinking behind the faceplate. JARVIS doesn't have any suggestions preceding Steve's words and Tony wishes he did.

'I wouldn't have observed you so closely, of course,' Steve replies as if it was obvious and Tony gapes; just a second later the kettle whistles at the water starts boiling and Steve pours it over English teabags in a teapot. Tony can smell the soft pleasant scent even inside the suit – JARVIS. That sneaky creature. 'So I don't know why you were hiding Nate being Iron Man, I am sure you had your reasons I do not expect you to share with me – but maybe we could… you know, now? Since you told me? Maybe –'

'So, I should take the suit off and let our words become real?' Tony asks, raising one eyebrow at JARVIS. 'J, how do I keep getting myself into stuff this lovely and complicated?'

'That's you special talent,' JARVIS reminds him politely, making Tony snicker. 'Breathe, sir.'

'I just – I don't really speak when I'm not in the suit,' Tony warns Steve, taking a deep calming breath. 'Ijon will translate, though,' he adds and then gives JARVIS a sign to unwrap the armor from his body and 1.6 seconds later Mark XI is standing next to Tony who is in Nate's favorite shirt and chinos, it takes him another 3 seconds to put on glasses – more disguise just to be safe – and then he looks up at Steve who suddenly seems at least two inches taller.

'Tea?' Steve asks simply and there's a long awkward moment of silence when Tony tries to make his genius brain work and understand what Steve is asking about, but then he nods firmly and sits downy by the kitchen table.

'Thank you,' Ijon translates Tony's signs into Nate's voice. Steve smiles.

'I know that sign,' he says and pours them both the hot tea.

'I feel surreal,' Tony says and Steve gives him a sharp look. 'Not in a bad way, just – being out like this. It always –' he starts and Ijon says that aloud – JARVIS wouldn't, but Ijon is far from being as perceptive as his older brother – and Steve freezes.

'It always?' he asks, sounding more curious than anything else. Strange. But Steve surprised Tony all the time with how understanding he is. 'Does – do the others know?'

'Thor and Spider Man,' Tony admits, deciding that there's no point in lying if Steve himself knows. It's kind of splitting the team in two – those who know and those who don't – but it won't be an issue as long as they all know how to keep a secret. And Tony trusts them to.

'Wow,' Steve says, sitting down, and fixes his eyes on Tony – on Nate. Then there's silence but Tony can almost hear Steve's thought crawling through his brain.

'So about that talk we had – you said you'd think –' Steve finally breaks the silence, putting the cup with still too hot tea on the small decorated plate with a clatter that seems to echo in the vast room.

All the emotions and the aesthetically pleasing surroundings makes Tony feel as if he were in a movie. A strange indie movie. Somewhere in a different world.

'I'm sorry, Steve,' Tony signs and does his best to ignore the way Steve's face falls. He just – he just can't. Like he told Rhodey: he's dying and he can't afford any of what Steve wants, of what Steve deserves.

Friendship is something different because it's so much less. Best friends, something he's been doing with Steve so far, is too much already. Not to mention and actual relationship. A romantic one.

'I think you should be angry with me for not telling you about Nate,' he adds truthfully. 'I would understand that. I don't understand you not being angry, but maybe that's me. You're a very different person,' Tony chuckles drily. Steve doesn't say anything. 'I know I told you I liked you and I really do, but I just can't –'

'I could – I could be with Nate, not Iron Man,' Steve cuts in and Tony cringes just a bit. 'That would be much more doable, you know, physically –'

'That's not it –'

'Then what is it?' Steve asks, his voice more fierce and raw that Tony has ever heard.

Okay, so he wants to beat himself up for disappointing Steve like that now – only that he is perfectly aware that it's not his fault. At all. That's just – that's cancer. Dying. Circumstances. Things he can't help and he's accepted that by now.

Not completely, it seems, but he's getting there.

'I can't tell you,' he signs and Ijon says it for him in a normal voice; Tony wishes it was a whisper like he'd say it in his own voice, audible to no one but a supersoldier. 'There are more secrets than just Nate – and I can't share. Really. And I told you: I will not lie to you.'

'And I told you I don't mind not telling everything–'

'No, Steve,' Tony signs, giving Steve a pointed look. 'No. Don't do this. I wanted you to know about these two identities and honestly, I was hoping you would be angry,' Tony admits and surprises even himself by actually using those words, much bolder than he'd expect of himself, but somehow it seems fitting now. Being painfully honest. 'It would be easier if you were angry at me. Wait,' he adds when he sees Steve wants to say something. 'There are things I don't want to share because they will hurt you – and it's the truth. I would never hurt you intentionally, so I – we can't do this.'

'Iron Man – Nate –'

'I really want to be your friend,' Tony adds, standing up, leaving the half-empty teacup on the table. 'I hope it's still possible.'

'Yes, of course, I just don't think –'

'Steve,' Tony signs, standing in front of the armor. 'I'm sorry.'

Then the suit is around him in 1.7 seconds, 0.1 second more to put it on than to take it off, and he walks out of the room feeling like a total asshole.

'JARVIS, please, can you explain me why wasn't he mad at me? He should have been, right?' Tony asks a bit shakily as he makes his way towards the roof, ignoring everything outside of the suit.

'It seems to me that Captain Rogers is rather… smitten with you, sir,' JARVIS replies, sounding more reluctant than usually, as if he was afraid how those words will affect Tony. 'And that seems to have such effect on people.'

'You manage to be a smartass even when you're being nice and considerate,' Tony comments unnecessarily and a moment later he's in the air.

Back at home, he has JARVIS recreate Steve's room as a 3D hologram for him and stares at the colorful-but-bluish projection – that's thanks to the new generations of holograms he's been working on, the prototype is pretty impressive – and wishes he could be there.

He might have decided to do what he wants and what makes him happy, but letting someone fall in love with him and encourage it when he doesn't have time doesn't count. It's nothing but cruel.

A/N: Thank you for all your lovely comments! I am very grateful for every word you leave me here and it's always so encouraging, knowing what you think and that you enjoy my story :) Please let me know what you think about this part.

Just one thing I wanted to say: I really value every word you write me, even (or maybe especially) if it's criticism, but I don't really want to discuss thing here - it's not the place for it - so if you would like to discuss something or would like me to explain something, I won't so that if you aren't logged in here. But if you want to remain anonymous, you can always ask me questions etc. via tumblr (link in my profile) and I will reply as soon as possible :) Thank you for understanding!