Again come the morning (part 2)

Steve doesn't call again.

Tony wishes he did even though he's pretty sure he wouldn't pick up the phone.

And two days later Steve leaves for an op with Natasha and Bruce.

Tony wishes he could just go over there and say good luck and make sure everyone is fine. But he can't and that's not only a Steve thing; he can't come over as himself – the self that Steve knows of now – or as Nate. Gosh, it's all so complicated.

He does visit the Avengers HQ though, at the beginning of the next week – after meeting with Nate's coworkers and with the Riverside kids on Saturday – as Iron Man and mostly because Peter insists he has to meet Doctor Foster.

'She thinks I'm some kind of a science cheerleader sidekick,' he whines over the phone but Tony can tell he's not unhappy about the situation. 'She really wants to see the tech –'

'What did she promise you when you get me down there?' Tony cuts in, his words laced with laughter. 'She promised she'd take you for the next science adventure wherever her readings take her or what?'

'… Something like that,' Peter agrees, sounding as cheerful as ever. Annoyingly so. Tony just rolls his eyes. 'Well, whatever, she's awesome and she's kind of crazy so you two would click –'

'Don't finish that sentence,' Tony warns him easily, and adds, 'I'll be there in the evening. Give Ijon some fun other than you guys.'

'Bring food,' Peter says in reply and hangs up immediately, making Tony shake his head in disbelief. The boy just reminds him of himself at that age too damn much.

So it's just Clint, Phil and Spider Man in the HQ but the first two are rather occupied with each other, Ijon claims. Tony lands Iron Man on the roof and makes his way down to the labs in the basement; there is nowhere else those two could be.

'Good afternoon, Doctor Foster,' Tony greets the woman in Iron Man's metallic voice as soon as he sees her, with Peter's grin from under the mask accompanying the sight.

'I heard you helped out S.H.I.E.L.D. with the Tesseract and a few other things, and that friend of yours, Rives, when can I meet him? I've got questions –'

'He's not in town,' Spider Man says, giving Tony a quick look. 'I'll call him when he is. We're buddies.'

'You're buddies with everyone,' she comments, making him grin even more. 'Well,' she adds, turning back to Iron Man, 'I don't believe we've never worked together before, given Thor, you know, so can you come over have a look at this?'

Tony smirks behind the faceplate; she's exactly like everyone has described her so far; head in clouds, mind between stars, wandering around unfocusedly. Tony can respect the dedication.

'Please tell me that looks a bit like an Asgardian signature to you,' she tells him, showing a diagram on the nearby screen, 'I really miss Thor.'

Tony nods and comes up closer, the lightest armor making almost no sound, and looks at the screen trying not to think how her special person is somewhere across the universe in a fucking different realm and his – well, his Steve – is just across the globe. Just. But even if he was in the next room it would be something impossible to deal with.

The reading does look remotely like the Asgardian one. Jane – call me Jane, really, although she sounded very pleased when he called her a doctor – almost squealed when he confirmed her suspicions. The bigger problem, all three agree later, is the other reading, the ones that are Jane's reason to be in New York, close to the heroes and the many-faced shady government agency: it's as if someone was tampering with building an inter-dimensional pathway.

The two S.H.I.E.L.D. agents are already at the site across the country, gathering pre-op intel and establishing their covers, but it's still going to take time to get the inside.

Since there is nothing they can do, Tony ends up discussing one of Jane's latest papers and the meeting finishes at ten p.m. when Spider Man decides that food is more important than science. Iron Man doesn't socialize that way so he says his goodbyes and leaves all the others to their pizza.

It doesn't take long for something to happen. Tony is mostly enjoying quiet time working with Rhodey and cycling a little bit with Happy every morning. He argues with JARVIS, collects all the pieces for the big arc reactor that keep being shipped, and tries to make his way through each meal without getting worried looks from whoever he's sharing it with.

Then there's an assemble call, less than 100 miles away from the observed desert site. It's only Iron Man, Hawkeye and Spider Man on this side of Atlantic Ocean.

'I am worried for you, sir,' JARVIS comments when they're flying across the US at supersonic speed, 'you usually have more support.'

'Do you think I can't do this?' Tony asks and he knows in most situations those words would be bitter and defensive but not now; Tony is starting to realize that sometimes he needs someone to stop him. Even if the realization hurts so damn much.

'As we do not know exactly what to expect at the site, I am unable to say,' JARVIS replies, sounding apologetic.

'Besides, you're like, always worried,' Tony adds, snickering. That's too true.

JARVIS doesn't reply, though; there's a comm transmission he allows to go through instead.

'Expect several unknown race humanoids at the site,' a S.H.I.E.L.D. operative's dry voice informs him, as if it was the most usual thing, 'we don't know anything more yet, that's as much as satellite surveillance allows us to see. They are armed. Seem confused.'

'Roger that,' Tony replies and glances at the map: twenty more minutes with Clint tailing him with the Quinjet.

It turns out deceptively easy to bring the aliens down and detain them for S.H.I.E.L.D. It doesn't matter though because Tony doesn't like this situation at all; this time is was just those guys and another time it could be New York all over again; apparently those idiots who keep experimenting don't have the results under control. Tony isn't sure if it would be scarier if they did.

'I told you something was really wrong with all that,' Jane comments when Tony lands next to the Quinjet in the HQ's hangar. Her cheeks are pink and her hair messy and it makes Tony smile and think she's cute, in a way that Tony Stark would, so he scolds himself.

'I trust S.H.I.E.L.D. will inform us of any details regarding the aliens,' Iron Man says dispassionately, in a manner he would use back when he started working with the team. Phil nods sharply so Tony inclines his head and then flies off.

'Feel sick of aliens,' Tony murmurs when JARVIS is unwrapping the armor back in the small 'shop. 'Feel sick in general.'

'Maybe you should rest then, sir,' JARVIS suggests gently and Tony is too tired to argue. He just laughs, thinking that yes, that would be indeed a good idea, but he ends up hunched over the toilet, heaving and covered with sweat. He only makes it to bed when Rhodey shows up – surely called by JARVIS – and almost carries him there.

The first thing Tony hears in the morning is JARVIS telling him that the rest of the team managed to wrap up their op a bit early and they are back at S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ already, debriefing.

'Captain Rogers expressed his worry about your quick leave yesterday after the encounter,' the A.I. adds a bit reluctantly.

'You've got to somehow fix this or let it be fixed,' Rhodey's loud voice carries across the room and Tony notice that his bedroom doors are open. 'But first, you're gonna eat this,' he adds a moment later, stepping into the room with a tray in his hands.

'Have you been here all night?'

'It's not like you don't have space,' Rhodey smirks. 'Now, sit up. It's just plain porridge. It'll be good for you.'

'I don't know –'

'Of course you can keep it down. Just focus.'

'I'm not sure it works like that,' Tony notes, sitting up obediently. His head hurts and he blinks a few times, trying to understand why, and then he remember those few nasty bangs he's had during the fight yesterday. JARVIS made sure he didn't have concussion but the knowledge doesn't help.

He eats and Rhodey looks like a mother of a picky toddler, really. Tony is very glad for the concern and everything but he just can't not ask, 'Don't you have work today?'

'I've got a stomach bug,' Rhodey says, straight-faced. 'Very nasty. Been home since yesterday so I thought I could come over and share it with you.'

'Well thank you very much then,' Tony mutters, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. 'I'm gonna take a long shower and then I'm going back to the 'shop –'

'Tony –'

'Rhodey, platypus, damn you, I can't –'

'I'll go with you,' Rhodey cuts in. Tony stops and blinks. 'You're the boss today and I'm your sidekick, you get to sit on your swivel chair and I'll do what you tell me to do, okay? I need that. I haven't done any hands-on job for too long.

'… Okay,' Tony agrees knowing that there is no arguing with Rhodey.

Just after eight he's going up the stairs to the apartment, feeling pleasantly tired and almost ignoring the damn shortness of breath, eager to spend some quiet time by himself – Happy is out on a date, of all things, and Tony feels like a proud dad – but when he finally gets to the top floor, he just freezes on the final step.

Then he wants to go running back down, for a fraction of second that feels too damn long, but he doesn't because he can't make himself move.

He lets out a heavy breath and then Steve turns around.

'To–,' he starts but Tony silences him with a sharp hand motion. 'Nate,' Steve says after a beat. Tony still can't move. 'I wanted to make sure you're all right, I left you a few messages but you never replied.'

Sure he did, Tony knows, JARVIS informed him of every single call and every word Steve left for him, straight into his ears through an experimental comm devices, but he ignored them the same way he ignored Rhodey's heavy stares.

'You all right?' Steve asks quietly; Tony realizes that he's been just standing there, staring, for too long to be socially acceptable.

He manages a sharp jerky nod and then forces himself to move, mechanically, uncertainly, to unlock the door with the traditional key and then with a swipe card. He keeps them open for Steve who enters reluctantly, as if he expected Tony to shove him out of the flat and leave standing awkwardly in front of a shut door.

Tony considers that, too, but only because he's – well, scared would be a wrong word because you cannot be scared in Steve's presence, it's like the law of the universe – but he's unsure. Insecure.

He closes the door behind himself and leans against the wall just next to them, wrapping arms on his chest, instinctively guarding the arc reactor which he thinks is sick. But it doesn't matter. Then he looks up at Steve, or somewhere behind Steve, not focusing his eyes on anything in particular. He can still tell that Steve hasn't slept for too long and even the serum doesn't make him look much better.

'Can I call you your name?' Steve asks quietly and Tony again nods sharply.

Then there is a moment of thick strange silence, not exactly awkward, but almost uncomfortable.

'Can – could you say something?' Steve asks, almost inaudibly, 'just a word?'

Tony takes a deep breath, ignoring the thought that he's being ridiculous, ignoring all the damn thoughts that are tangled in his brain right now because they're not helping, and then he suddenly realizes that none of the thoughts matter, none of the worries matter, it's all just pointless because –

– because Steve is here.

He left and now he came back, and that means something.

'I'm sorry,' he says, still refusing to meet Steve's eyes, his voice sounding ridiculously raspy, as if he really didn't speak for so long.

'Don't be,' Steve replies immediately, taking a step towards Tony but stopping himself from coming any closer; the words are thick and reluctant but powerful. 'Tony.'

'I lied to you,' Tony says, ignoring being called by his name, his real name, ignoring how surreal it feels, 'you trusted me and I lied to you. Then I spat the words in your face and hurt you. I'm sorry.'

'If anything, you hurt my by lying, not by telling me the truth,' Steve declares softly and now Tony can't resist looking at him. His eyes are moist, a frown on his forehead, and he's biting his lip unconsciously the way Tony has seen so many times before. 'Okay?'

'Steve,' he pauses sharply, tasting the name at his tongue, 'I don't think this is a good idea –'

'It matters what you told me, it matters – it matters who you are, that you are Tony. It does, a lot, but you're still Nate,' Steve says quickly, not letting Tony finish. 'Right? Whoever else you might be too, in addition, you are still Nate. My…. my Nate. And Iron Man.'

'I am,' Tony agrees, closing his eyes and exhaling slowly, the weight of arc reactor pressing his lungs uncomfortably. 'I don't –'

'Please stop,' he hears Steve's voice close, much closer than before, and then Cap's hands are wrapped around his wrists delicately and his lips are touching Tony's in a soft brushing motion. It's just a split of a second but Tony loves the warmth and the sweet flavor and the feeling of Steve's breath tickling his ear and neck and he – he just lets Steve.

The second kiss is just like the first, at almost doesn't feel like one but it's everything.

'Are you all right? They – they told me you all got bumped a lot yesterday and –'

'Fine,' Tony breathes, 'fine.'

There is silence again but this time it's cozy, more intimate, almost giving Tony shivers, maybe because Steve's warm hands are still touching his and it feels like the most natural thing in the world.

'You shouldn't be here,' Tony breaks the silence, and then adds, 'why don't you hate me?'

'I thought I did. When you said – and then I left angry and I thought I did but I couldn't. And then, the things you said, the –'

'That I'm dying?'

'… yes,' Steve admits and Tony can tell he has millions of questions in his head but he's Steve and he won't ask them because he's just like that. 'I want – I'd like to –'

'I can tell you. Everything,' Tony decides aloud; Steve only deserves that after everything that's happened. He deserves an explanation like no one else and Tony knows he can trust him to keep his secrets.

'The skin color?' Steve asks and it almost makes Tony laugh because out of the millions of secrets he's been keeping, the skin – it's just a detail. But Steve doesn't know that.

'I created this thing – it will wear off in –'

'Eleven minutes, sir,' JARVIS finishes for Tony, his voice neutral.

'Yeah, that,' Tony agrees, focusing on the pleasant warmth of Steve's body seems to be running through his veins. 'The eyes are fake color, too,' he offers because Steve's subtly observing him, 'everything else is how you see it, though.'

'After you told me, I drew you a lot, trying to figure it out, to see bits of – your father – but then I realized you have more of your mother's features,' Steve finishes quickly, rushing the words, as if he was afraid of mentioning Tony's long-dead parents. 'That's why I didn't – and all the details –'

'It was my point not to let anyone notice.'

'Then you did a great job.'

'Fucking great,' Tony mutters, perfectly aware that Steve's super-soldier hearing can pick up words that are almost unsaid.

'I'm still angry, if that makes you feel any better,' Steve replies in the same low voice. Tony has hard time believing that because there is no indication at all in Steve's body language hat it's true but he doesn't mention that, just waits for an elaboration, sure that it's coming. 'When I first woke up I wanted something… familiar, in any way, and then I learned that you, that is Tony Stark, have just disappeared a few months earlier, but then it didn't matter because I had you – Nate and Iron Man – and the rest of the team and those few S.H.I.E.L.D. agents who were helpful and accommodating and it was all okay. Then we – we became friends,' Steve says, looking at him unsurely and Tony gives him the slightest nod, 'and it was more than okay. It didn't matter anymore that I wanted – I hoped to have that link back to Howard, back to the past, because you were the present and I liked the present more.'

'It took time,' Tony acknowledges, thinking about all those weeks he had hard time drawing Steve out of his own thoughts when they were supposed to have modern life lessons.

'Yeah, and now I – I don't know if it even matters anymore that you –'

'That I lied to you?'

'No,' Steve says forcefully, keeping his touch as gentle as before, 'that you're all three of them,' he finishes and then smiles a tiny bit. 'You're all three of them and that's so impossible but it's really and I can't – it's fascinating. You're fascinating.'

'Don't –'

'You are.'

'Okay,' Tony agrees, knowing that there is no point in arguing with Steve; he might be nice and kind but he's terribly stubborn. 'If you say so.'

'Doesn't anyone else tell you that?'

'I –'

'We do, Captain Rogers,' JARVIS interrupts Tony's hesitant voice, 'Sir created me. There is nothing more and nothing more fascinating that he could have ever done.'

'JARVIS –'

'That's true, sir.'

'Won't you let me finish a sentence?' Tony questions, glaring at the ceiling, but he's more amused than anything else, and he has to admit it is nice to hear such genuine words. That's one of the things that have always been reserved for Nate: honesty. 'But it doesn't matter. You came here to check up on me –'

'And I don't want to leave yet. Unless you want me to.'

'No, that's fine,' Tony murmurs, unsure where that came from; of course he'd love Steve to stay but he's perfectly aware that letting Steve stay means talking to him and even though he's told Steve – the things – he doesn't feel ready to elaborate.

Or maybe he does but he's scared he won't find the words.

And he really doesn't want Steve to cry or something.

'One minute, sir,' JARVIS reminds Tony softly and Tony nods, taking his hands out of Steve's and taking slow steps towards the kitchen.

'I'll sort these out,' he says, pointing at the vague direction of his eyes, 'and then you can stare at me all you want, Steve.'

'That's not –'

'I was just teasing.'

'Oh,' Steve exhales and finally makes his way to follow Tony, looking back at the door as if he wasn't sure he can stay. It takes Tony just a moment to take the glasses of, and the colored contacts and soon all the other elements of his disguise are gone and he's just – just himself. And it feels almost like being naked.

'You have his eyes,' Steve comments as soon as Tony turns around, 'and you look so tired.'

'Steve, I know I said things in a wrong way –'

'It doesn't matter –'

'– but everything I said was true,' Tony finishes.

He feels small. And cold. And it's not Steve making him feel like that, it's just – everything. It's all too fucking much.

'It's okay,' Steve says. He's standing maybe two steps away from Tony, a bit awkwardly, as if he didn't know what to do with himself.

'No, it's not, because I can't do this to you, don't you understand? That's what I've been talking about all this time, I can't – I can't be with you because I'm fucking dying and I've known this for some time and I already let it go too far and now when I die you will be alone again, I know how difficult it was for you to lose everyone from back then and I don't want to become too important for you because that'll only end up with you being hurt – grieving again –'

'Too late,' Steve interjects softly. Tony waits for the end of the sentence, noticing almost with embarrassment how his damn damaged hurt is fluttering, 'you already are. That important.'

'I'll die.'

'We all do.'

'I'll die sooner, it's like having an expiry date, it's looming over everything all the time –'

'Hey,' Tony's head snaps up at the word, almost like being called his name, 'I want to help, no matter what. You don't have to – don't have to tell me what's wrong. I'll be here anyway.'

'I couldn't,' Tony argues, swallowing hard, 'that'd be ever worse. Besides, when you know I am me, nothing more is that much of a secret because hey, I don't exist out there. You know. I've been missing for long months.'

'But –'

'I've got cancer,' Tony says, making effort not to close his eyes or to look away and that's damn hard. 'They can't do anything. I made sure my doctors consulted every possible person, gave me every possible option but there weren't many, I could do that, you know, being billionaire – but you're aware of that very well, money doesn't buy everything,' he says and tries to ignore Steve's stare turning softer, too soft.

'How –'

'A year, if I'm lucky,' he laughs drily, 'half a year if I'm not, it's difficult to say, it's all kinda individual, besides doctors are pretty shitty fortune tellers so don't ever believe them, Cap.'

'… I missed you calling me that,' Steve admits instead of commenting of any other of Tony's words.

'It hasn't been that long –'

'It feels like it,' Steve smiles. 'So. Half a year or a year or whatever.'

'Damn, Steve –'

'You can't make me leave you now. You never could and especially now, I won't let you.'

'Damn you,' Tony swears under his breath but Steve ignores that, giving him a long look from head to feet and back, and then quicker than Tony would have ever expected, he's being swooped into an embrace, soft as if he was going to break, and Steve whispers into his ear, 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Hold me,' Tony replies quietly, the words coming so easily, 'don't let me go. I will tell you everything, I will, I'm – I will. But now –'

'Okay,' Steve agrees, and adds, delicately, 'now hush.'

Then he keeps his arms wrapped around Tony's thin frame for what feels like an eternity.

When Tony wakes up, it's completely dark outside which means he fell asleep during the day again, and it sounds as if there was someone else in the room –

'Steve,' he remembers groggily and the figure moves from the window and comes up to the bed, smiling. 'Sorry.'

'It's okay. I know you're tired. Me and JARVIS had a little chat –'

'Talking to strangers without my permission again, kiddo?'

'Captain Rogers is hardly a stranger.' JARVIS replies a little bit stiffly, making Tony send him a wide teasing smile. 'I assumed it was acceptable to answer Captain's questions regarding the details of your situation, sir, concerning the subjects that are not very good for a meaningful conversation.'

'Did you recite Cap my blood work results or what?'

'He did,' Steve chuckles, 'and a little bit more. He also threatened me – which I think was perfectly in place,' he adds placidly, seeing Tony's half-frown. Well, Tony guesses it is in place; that's in JARVIS' primary protocol.

'What time is it?'

'Just after midnight,' Steve replies quickly. 'Your friend is not back yet.'

'Happy?'

'Hmm?'

'My friend. His name is Happy and don't listen to JARVIS is he says the name's any different. Happy's out on a date tonight,' Tony adds as if it explained something. 'Good for him – do you feel up for a talk, Steve?'

'I guess –'

'I missed my meds time,' Tony informs, keeping his voice light.

'Oh.'

'That's kind of a thing here. Sorry. I'll just –'

'Sir, it's strongly advised that you eat something,' JARVIS says and Tony rolls his eyes, getting out of the bed – wait, how did he end up in his own bed, he can't quite remember that, he must've fallen asleep in Steve's arms, fuck – and then he heads for the kitchen with Steve trailing his steps. He gets himself a few slices of buttered toast, not trusting his body to be able to process anything more complicated, and offers Steve a sandwich and some cake that Cap accepts gratefully. At least they are past this step when Steve would feel ashamed of needing all the food.

'Cheers,' Tony says, lifting up his palm filled with variously sized and shaped pills and dry-swallows them, gaining a wide-eyed stare from Steve. 'You learn it by practice,' he explains and reaches out to get some juice.

'You look much more comfortable when you don't have all the – disguise on yourself,' Steve observes a few minutes later, nursing his big cup of coffee while Tony still makes his way through the juice. Vitamin C, JARVIS insists, is important. 'But I'd have never guessed if I haven't seen you being… yourself? Is that right?'

Tony frowns and allows himself a short pause before replying over his glass.

'I don't even know,' he admits, 'I'm all me and at the same time I never am. It gets complicated and it doesn't even matter so I don't think about it much,' he adds and wow, that's not even a lie.

'I believe you.'

'Sure you do,' Tony murmurs and then sips the lasts of his juice. 'Want to have a midnight confession time?'

'Not really,' Steve replies and Tony's head shoots up because hey, not really? Who wouldn't want answers right now? 'It's not like I can't wait a little bit longer and you look tired –'

'I've just slept –' Tony tries to argue but gosh, he is tired, it's one of those days when he'd rather curl up on his bed and try to remember to breathe rather than do anything else; workshop has been enough of a distraction but everything is catching up with him and there is nowhere to run anymore.

'Can I stay?' Steve asks quietly, turning the coffee cup in his hands, as if he were nervous, 'Tony?'

'If you want to,' he replies in the same tone ad Steve's face brightens so brilliantly that Tony's can't help but smile a bit himself; it's just infectious.

When Tony lays down in bed this time, he can hear Steve's rhythmical breaths by his side, and it lulls him to sleep like in a fairy tale.

In the morning Steve is still there, watching news with no sound on one of the wall screens; as soon as Tony stirs under the covers, he gives JARVIS a hand signs to turn off the feed – he must have learned that just now – and gives Tony the widest smile ever.

'Good morning,' he says and Tony just smiles back instead of saying words; it doesn't feel like he needs to.

There is the familiar remote nausea resting somewhere in the middle of his stomach and his limbs feel so heavy but today none of it matters. For a moment during the night he thought yesterday was just a dream but Steve's here, breathing, talking, real, and that's more than Tony has ever wanted.

Ugh, that sounds so sappy, he'd have laughed at himself if he knew a few years ago that things would come to this, but now he can't be bother to care.

Everything is different.

'Breakfast?'

Tony considers saying he's not sure that it's a great idea but instead he nods and makes his way to the bathroom to freshen himself up a bit and put on some normal clothes. When he gets to the kitchen, Steve is by the stove, flipping pancakes, and Happy is sitting by the table, half-hidden behind his newspaper, seeming awfully happy with himself.

'I got myself a slave,' he says, pointing at Steve, 'who was nice enough to finish making pancakes for us. And if you're wondering about yesterday, it went fine. I'm not sharing all details with you, boss, suck it up. We'll be meeting again next week.'

'Happy, you dog,' Tony smiles, slipping onto one of the bar stools, and then adds, 'thanks, Steve. You didn't have to – but you wanted to,' he guesses and Steve nods, turning the gas off and starting to make nice stacks of pancakes on empty plates.

They eat mostly in silence; Tony trying to ignore Happy's half-worried, half-curious stares. He manages to eat three of the pancakes, more than he'd have expected, which feels nice. Like a good step – somewhere, since now exactly forward. Somewhere.

'I have some things to do today at the HQ,' Steve tells him after they've finished eating, 'I wish I could stay. I – I'll see you in two days, right? Team meeting?'

'Team training,' Tony agrees, choosing the words on purpose – well, it is a training, to be honest – but Steve just frowns and doesn't comment. Tony likes that; people caring for him is nice but people patronizing him isn't at all.

Steve gives him the quickest goodbye kiss, even though Tony never said it's okay to be together now, and leaves him standing in the middle of the room with an unsure smile.

'He's a painfully good person,' Happy comments offhandedly from his room when Tony passes by it. Tony has to agree but doesn't grace Happy with a verbal response.

He's planned to spend the day with Pepper and Rhodey at Stark Mansions, sneaking around and synthesizing the new still-damn-unnamed element and eating, or trying to eat, the best takeout is the city. Instead, he ends up in the chocolaterie with Clint who's making his way through third piece of chocolate cake by the time Tony even gets there.

'Trouble in paradise?' he signs with a small smirk, adjusting his glasses, and Clint just snickers at that.

'Nah, I need some me-time,' Clint explains in ASL, too, waving at the waitress. Tony frowns at that a little bit as the archer hardly ever uses his hands to speak when he's wearing his hearing aids. 'Honestly, don't be offended, but I needed some quiet time. Everyone at the house is driving me crazy. Spider Man is around every damn second and as much as I like the kid, he's all over the place with the two doctors and I'm bored with playing nanny and making sure they stop the science to eat.'

Tony chuckles, deciding not to tell Clint that he's done that too damn times – Pepper would probably love to bitch about that even now, he's been terrible about that for so many years – and orders a gigantic cup of chai.

'No chocolate?'

'Don't feel like it,' he admits truthfully. Also, he probably couldn't keep the strong creamy heavenly chocolate down. 'So how are the preparations?'

'Just a few people, cake and champagne, so not lots of trouble, the toughest part is negotiating honeymoon time off with Fury.'

'I imagine,' Tony agrees and lets Clint talk.

When they're both almost finished with their drinks, Clint's phone buzzes and he swears when he looks at it.

'Have to head back,' he says, taking out his wallet to pay for everything, 'Phil says he needs me – wait, want to come over and meet Jane? She's been fangirling about your work with the S.H.I.E.L.D. team, the alien weapons?'

'Why not,' Tony agrees, not really sure that's a good idea, but it seems like a good way to keep up his game and separating Nate from Iron Man, which seems to be something Tony's got to work on. And it's not going to get any easier so he might as well use this chance.

The meeting ends up being extremely short though, a few minutes after they are introduced – and already deep in a detailed discussion of the alien energy outputs, Tony's enjoying himself very much – Phil comes inside the room and tells Jane that she'll need to leave, too.

'Those readings in Australia you picked up, we'd like you there with our team. Clint and Natasha will come, too, so you'll have the best protection and surveillance but we need you onsite.'

'Okay,' she agrees, looking around frantically. Tony takes a step back, smiling with amusement, and observes her packing a few pieces of equipment so damn quickly. 'We'll talk another time, we have to, sorry, I need to go,' she tells him and disappears. Phil gives him a look and then leaves, too, so Tony makes his way to the door and catches a cab to near the Fifth Ave Mansion; might as do some science for the rest of the day.

Pepper and Rhodey join him not much sooner, along with Doc who miraculously isn't spending the weekend traveling who-knows-where, and they spend their afternoon almost as planned.

The team training ends up being very cozy with only Iron Man, Bruce, Steve and Spider Man around. They do one on one and then some strategy training but it lasts half as long as it would with everyone around. Peter disappears soon after the session, saying that he has some personal things to take care of – strange that he doesn't even stay for food – and Bruce tells them he promised to contact Jane about the things going on in Australia, so less than half an hour after they've finished training, it's only Iron Man and Steve in the room.

'We could get some pizza,' Steve proposes, taking off his blue gloves.

'Like old times?'

'Like old times,' he agrees with a smile and Ijon sends an order to their favorite pizzeria straight away. They go to Steve's rooms and when Tony steps out of the armor – he hasn't bothered with making himself look like Nate in case today – Steve's eyes flicker happily.

That's trust, Tony thinks, and it makes him happy.

It's transfusion day on Monday, it comes along with the next course of radiation, and the whole week seems to stretch endlessly in front of Tony. He knows Steve will be busy, he's supposed to train some S.H.I.E.L.D. juniors – it feels strange to have formed the bond so quickly, thinking about Steve feels as natural as breathing – and Tony himself spends most of the days trying to get work done and trying not to be sick in the meantime and both of those aren't the easiest tasks.

Tony ends up texting Steve from the workshop during Cap's breaks but it's all they can do, Tony doesn't feel like risking actually talking.

He still hasn't told Steve everything because some things just didn't came up and there wasn't an adequate situation to mention them – but that's fine.

Steve asks him how he's feeling every morning and Tony writes him answers that are mostly truthful. It's hard to make them completely truthful as it would mean admitting to himself when something is not too good and Tony doesn't like that; of course it's childish and the whole denial thing is getting old but it's easier. He's pretty sure Steve is aware of that and doesn't really mind.

It's impossible to lie to himself anymore when Friday comes, though, because everything fucking hurts. He's – he's talked about pain with Levy and Doc, of course, so many times, the argued about it a lot, but when Tony gets out of the bed, he suddenly understand what they meant when they said that he'll know his limits. It's irrational, how he was fine yesterday but today every damn step hurts, every movement, it makes him seem sick and weak and terrified. And the most scary thing is that he's been expecting this.

'You all right?' Happy asks him as soon as Tony drags himself out of his room, feel shuffling on the wooden floor. 'No stupid question, you're not, you're as white as a sheet, now – what's wrong? Feeling sick? Do I need to call 911? Doc?'

'No,' Tony says in a soft undertone, leaning against the doorframe. Happy is obviously waiting for an elaboration, ready to ask JARVIS to call for help any second but waiting because he trusts Tony enough to give him time.

'Boss? You've got to tell me what's wrong –'

'It just hurts,' he admits, closing his eyes for a brief moment, 'more when I move.'

'All right,' Happy agrees, frowning, 'I'll call Doc.'

'Don't. I have,' Tony stops to take a breath, gosh, it doesn't help to have this damn sore thing lodged in his chest, the pain seems to radiate and amplify every damn soreness he's been dealing with for years and making it feel strange. 'We talked about this last time, with the doctors, I've got pills – the meds cabinet, top shelf, blue cap bottle,' he instructs Happy who obediently finds the said bottle.

'Two?' he asks, quickly skimming though the notes attached to it.

'I guess,' Tony says and a moment later Happy puts the pills into one of his hands and pushes a glass of water into the other. He hesitates for a few seconds, weighing the pills in his hand and ignoring Happy's eyes on his, and then swallows the meds with one big gulp of water.

It just feels like stepping onto new territory in the worst possible way – like making a step without being able to go back.

But it hurts too much to matter.

Happy helps him to the sofa after Tony protests weakly but persistently insisting that no, he's not going to stay in bed all day. Sofa feels different. It's fooling himself but it makes him feel better, psychologically, and only that matters. JARVIS calls Doctor Levy to tell her Tony won't come over for radiation today and presumably explains the situation; Tony doesn't ask.

He just tells JARVIS to play him the murmur of the ocean and even though it's a lie because there's no slightest trembling under his feet whenever the waves hit the cliff, like back in Malibu, when he closes his eyes he can pretend well enough.

It doesn't take long for the medicine to work and when it does, Tony feels pretty strange because he's rationally aware he should be in pain but he isn't anymore and that feels like Matrix. In a different time or place he would be left suffering with no way to help him and instead, other than a slight dull nausea, he feels fine. Maybe a bit numb but still fine.

So he decides to take a break from everything and try to spend the day productively because hey, they magic of medicine just bought him the hours.

He takes the subway into Manhattan and gets off right in the middle of the late morning rush.

The city looks wondrous.

As soon as Tony gets out to the surface, he takes a deep breath of the non-air conditioned air and tries to blink the strong sunshine out of his eyes. He's been travelling between HQ, the workshop, his flat and the clinic all the time but he's never had time to really stop and look around, especially not of supersonic speeds, and it really surprises him how spring has snuck in all around and he hasn't noticed.

It smells like warmth and sunrays, the way it only does a few days a year, when everything is still cold and thawing and the sun seems to tease the world with its constant presence, taking everything in a bright embrace. Tony finds himself smiling at the thought: it really does feel like en embrace, they rays wrapped around his shoulders and neck and cheeks.

There are green buds on the trees and some of the bushes are in full bloom already, white and yellow and pink, mocking the puddles of yesterday's rain and filling the streets with softest sweet scent that mixes with the smell of gasoline in a strongly compelling way.

He can't decide where to go or what to do, it feels like making plans is the wrong way to go today, so he just turns around and starts walking down the street, maneuvering between the rushing people. He takes random turns without looking at the street names and not really recognizing the places as he's mostly spent his life passing them hidden behind a black glass of his cars' windows and it looks – it is a different world to be in the middle of everything.

After some time he starts to feel tiredness in his legs, the pleasant kind kids learn the first time they go camping. He doesn't know what time it is, the phone is in his pocket but he can't be bothered to take it out and check; judging by the sun it's around 1 p.m. and he's starting to feel a little bit hungry. It's a wonder itself, he wasn't even considering any food given the pain and the meds, but now he figures he could have a bite.

It makes him smile, too. It's funny, he decides, how people smile back at you randomly.

He ends up buying a bagel from one of the street vendors, with pastrami and cheese and tomato, and gets the tomato juice all over his hands but he enjoys it rather than being annoyed with it. It's grounding and some days, especially recently, he just feels like he needs exactly that.

People are rushing all around, finishing their lunch hour and in hurry to get back as soon as possible, so Tony moves out of their way by turning into one of the smaller streets and just stops in the middle of the pavement, staring at the sun shining straight down the alley, reflecting in the buildings' windows on both sides, shiny and crystal and flickering and he realizes –

– he realizes that no matter what happens, unless it's a miracle and he doesn't believe in miracles, it's the last spring he's ever going to see.

So he inhales the air, trying to remember the feeling as well as possible, and wanders on.

A/N: Thank you all so much for your comments. It was the most amazing thing anyone could do. Every single word of feedback you leave is very treasured and always motivates me to sit down and write more, since I know what I do is appreciated :) Extra long chapter this time because you earned it with all your reviews and making me happy.

I hope you enjoyed this part, too & by the way, to all you my dear readers, Happy New Year!