Again come the morning (part 5)

'So, what's the deal with not wanting to live at the HQ?' Tony asks a few days later over dinner. It actually is a proper dinner, even for him. Probably not the best time to talk serious things, but he keeps getting distracted with millions other things and if he doesn't do it now, it feels like he never will. 'What do you need a break from?'

'Now that everyone is recovered, they're all on missions, half of the time at least,' Steve explains, sounding somehow unsure. 'It's ace when we're doing things together as a team or, you know, almost a family maybe, but a lot of time, it's just me. Or when I'm away, it's just someone else.'

Tony suddenly remembers –

'So that's why you all were so eager to somehow try to separate Avengers from everyone else, so that there would be what, no interruptions?'

'So that no one would expect of us things they shouldn't expect.'

'But you'd still help S.H.I.E.L.D. out and all, and honestly, can't you just tell them no –'

'Of course we can,' Steve sighs. Of course. But they won't.

'But you want to do everything on your own terms. Officially.'

'And they'll let us.'

'Fury is really smitten with Phil, I'd agree,' Tony muses aloud, thinking about some stories Hermes is very happy to tell him. Apparently Phil and Fury have been friends for decades. 'He'll let Phil have whatever he wants, especially as an I-almost-got-you-killed apology. Even though it's been a year, there really isn't a good way to apologize if you're feeling guilty.'

'I like it when you don't pretend you don't understand people,' Steve smiles and Tony can only shrug; Steve seems to be fond of strangest things. 'You're a smart lad.'

'And I still don't get why you'd try to tell me that you're not moving in just because I want to be around me all the time you can. You said you weren't. I wouldn't have been offended if you did –'

'I know.'

'So what's wrong, Steve?' Tony asks, putting down his fork and moving a few inches closer. 'What's going on that I'm not aware of? Is it personal – it is personal, right?'

'As if you couldn't ask Ijon to tell you everything –'

'That's how I know it's personal. I have Ijon everywhere and all the time, but that's just in case. I don't access personal data. I wouldn't dare to, really, it's too much, and I've learned a thing or two about respecting privacy over the last few years.'

For a moment, Steve says nothing, but he trusts Tony enough – he has good reasons to – so he will talk. Tony gives him a calm moment as he drinks his juice.

'Being there is just… stuffy,' Steve finally explains. He seems tense, Tony notes. 'Sometimes. Like there isn't any space to share between us, because everyone's story is too much. And people think we're perfect and invincible and that we don't get scared or have problems, but everyone is – ah. You would say effed up. And that is a pretty apt description.'

'They not settling in well?' Tony asks, skillfully ignoring Steve's almost-swear.

'We're all at one hundred percent on our missions and you know it. But we can't be at one hundred percent all the time. And we don't trust each other enough to show each other the moments of weakness.'

Tony so knows the feeling.

'It's just that, everyone has their own nightmares, even though you'd never suspect. And some days, the place is so quiet, as if no one was even there, and if you see someone, you just feel, you know it's better to look away and pretend you didn't because neither of you would know that to do. We're all – we're all messed up.'

'Me included,' Tony laughs harshly as the truth.

'Sometimes I wonder how can America, how can the whole world put so much trust in us. We're just humans,' Steve continues, ignoring Tony's words, looking somewhere over his shoulder. 'Phil and Clint have their backstories and their issues and at least they have each other, I guess that helps. Thor isn't even on the Earth most of the time and when he is, there's always something going on. And he stares at everyone the way I haven't seen before, as if – as if they were transparent. Peter is just a lost hurt kid trying to do some good. Natasha… I don't think I'm allowed to talk, but you must know already that she isn't nearly the ice queen she pretends to be. That time in the desert, when you brought her to us…'

Tony nods, and then adds, keeping his words soft, 'What about Captain America?'

'Captain America can't sleep, sometimes, when he dreams of ice,' Steve says; Tony wishes it wasn't true. But he's been aware of that for so long. 'But you know that. You know what S.H.I.E.L.D. psych unit says about us as individuals, you can't pretend you didn't check.'

'Well I did,' Tony agrees. No point in lying. 'So, we're a bunch of fucked-up skilled people – and don't forget, Iron Man is just slowly dying.'

'Tony –'

'That is hilarious, in a way,' Tony cuts in before Steve can scold him properly, 'but you know what's amazing about this?'

'Yeah?' Steve asks unsurely, still sounding angry-sad about what Tony said about Iron Man, so casually.

'That despite all the shit, we've actually managed to do our jobs and save the world. Quite a few times, I'd day. No matter how fucked up we are.'

'I guess we did,' Steve agrees, his voice a bit warmer, and then he nods to himself. 'We really did.'

Nate swings by Avengers' HQ with Steve to get some personal things from Cap's rooms and they are invited to stay over for dinner, since this time, strangely, almost everyone is present. Bruce is the only one who can't make it, he's either at Riverside or at S.H.I.E.L.D. but Tony can't be bothered to check; it doesn't really matter.

They eat and talk – or sign or type, depending on the individual – and Tony listens and observes closely, but he can't see what Steve talked about. There doesn't seem to be any tension or tiredness between anyone. Thor is entertaining the crowd with stories of his youth, stranger than most fantasy novels Tony has read in his life, while Jane and Peter comment on scientific wonders that don't seem to faze Thor at all.

Hanging upside down from the ceiling doesn't affect Peter's ability to eat and converse. It's like good old times, only that he isn't wearing his mask.

Clint had his arm wrapped around Phil's shoulders in a way that would look cheesy with anyone but those two.

Steve is holding Nate's hand, too, the warmth almost radiation from his body.

Maybe it's just a good day, then. Good days make everything different.

'We'll hopefully all meet on the 16th for team training,' Phil says when they're mostly done with the after-dinner coffee. 'Unless a mission pops up, hopefully it won't, we should all be around until next week. See you then,' he adds and stands up, leading Clint out of the room and ignoring everyone's amused looks.

Slowly, the crowd thins out and in the end, it's only Tony, Thor and Jane in the room. Steve went upstairs to his room, telling Tony to wait for him so he can drive them back to the apartment.

'I'll go up, I need to catch Peter before he disappears with all the food from the kitchen, there's something we need to –'

Tony doesn't hear the rest as she's already out of the room and for a moment he considers excusing himself and hiding with Steve, but he can't just run away from Thor every time he sees the god, even if it's been working so far. Thor has been observing him since he came back – and Tony hasn't forgotten what the god told him some time ago.

Take care of yourself.

'This is not a good place,' he signs and Ijon translates it for him before Thor has a chance to start talking, 'let's go to another room.'

Thor follows him into the control room: it is a safe space that Tony can lock out and he does exactly that when they are both inside, and then sits on the edge of one of the desks, his legs dangling freely.

'You know things you shouldn't be able to know,' Ijon reads out Tony's quick typing that Tony does without looking away from Thor.

''tis on of the reasons we have been called gods among Midgardians, friend.'

'Do you ever wish you didn't know?'

'Here, among you? All the time,' Thor says somberly and Tony nods in understanding, 'Knowledge is liberation, but it is a burden more often than not.'

Tony waits for more words, but Thor doesn't say anything else.

'How do you know something is wrong with me? Is it the aura thing, like knowing that Iron Man and me were the same person? How – how much information does that ability give you?'

'I can feel you are growing weaker every time I see you, and there is something inside you that causes it, some kind of an illness, but I know naught more. But that must be visible to others as well, is it not? Your appearance is sickly. Does no one question that?'

'They do,' Tony agrees, and laughs soundlessly. It's strange how completely unmoved he's feeling.

'But you do not share the truth with them.'

Tony just shakes his head for no, looking down at his hands in his lap. There is a long moment of silence and Tony fancies he's experiencing exactly what Steve mentioned the other day: he knows Thor's eyes are on him and it makes him feel as if he were transparent. It's – disquieting, to say at least, but at the same time not unpleasant.

'I have been asked that numerous times in the past but we cannot cure Midgardian illnesses in Asgard,' Thor says finally, his deep voice sounding so loud in the small space even though it's more of a whisper. Tony nods; he's been dreaming of a magical cure and instant fix or anything, just to not be out of options, but it's always been nothing more than wishful thinking. So it's not that much of a disappointment to hear. 'Our healers know nothing of these as we struggle with problems that differ from yours greatly. Is there nothing your healers can do about it?'

'They're doing everything they can,' Tony signs, not bothering to pick up the tablet from the table to type; it takes Ijon a hundredth of a second longer to voice the words.

He laughs soundlessly again, harshly, the way that makes his chest ache.

'Does Steven know?'

'Yes,' Tony signs; Thor recognizes the sign, he knows. 'I'd rather you didn't tell anyone. It's – this is a private thing. For now.'

'I hope you feel ready to share this with the others, Nate. You know we all worry about you, about both of you I could say. You are important to us,' Thor adds, his voice strangely soft, in an unexpected way that makes Tony smile slightly. 'You seem unusually at peace.'

'I've had a long time to think.'

'Still.'

'I've had a very long time,' Tony tells Thor before jumping off the table as steadily as he can manage, and a moment later Thor's arm is wrapped around him.

'I will miss you, comrade.'

'Haven't you lost many people in your almost-immortal life?'

'It doesn't make me miss any of them any less.'

That makes sense, Tony silently agrees.

Steve being around feels… strange. In a good way, but strange. It's been Tony and Happy for so long, as intimate as it can be between friends, and suddenly there is a third party everywhere around.

Happy doesn't seem to mind, on the contrary, he seems glad that there is someone else Tony wants to be around without any exceptions. The last few months – years, probably – must have been fucking difficult for him and Tony felt bad about choosing Happy to be his confidante about a thousand times.

He was always scolded for thinking that.

Steve quietly and unobtrusively inserts himself into the pre-made space: he leaves his chocolate milk in the fridge, his sketchbook on the coffee table, his shoes by the door. It's simple and natural and Tony finds himself surprised my how much it calms him down, to hear someone's breathing when he wakes up at night; it makes it easier to acknowledge that he is still alive, that he is still waking up.

For the first few nights he sleeps little, trying not to fall back into sleep, admiring the almost-silent presence just there, just next to him.

They start to commute to the big workshop together, most of the time; even if Steve has to appear at S.H.I.E.L.D. for a few hours, he insists on giving Tony a lift on his way there. Steve talks with JARVIS, draws, and observes Tony, asking a question now and then – and Tony works. There is a lot to be done, as always, everything pressing, everything time-sensitive. Rhodey comes by one afternoon and they discuss the big arc reactor over a dinner Steve ordered in; they decide to give it a go next weekend when Rhodey has some time off.

It's a big deal, to move all the reactor parts to a facility in Texas – unused, far enough from any settlements not to hurt anyone if things go wrong, which won't happen but it's a necessary safety measure – and then make a working thing out of them.

'Nothing is impossible for Tony is he puts his mind to it,' Rhodey laughs when Steve asks if they aren't afraid of failure.

It makes Tony happy, hearing something like that.

In the evenings, when Tony is done with work, Steve drives them back and they get things to make a dinner on their way and go up the stairs in silent unison.

It doesn't take long for the neighbors to catch up with the news; Steve is unsurprisingly great at talking with middle-aged ladies and assuring them that he's taking the best care of their Nate.

'Didn't know you had that many fans as Nate, Tony,' Steve says playfully after they've managed to avoid yet another invitation for tea, so that someone could gossip more.

'Well, now you know,' Tony rolls his eyes as he walks across the room to get his meds and some water.

'I'm not surprised at all, though,' Steve adds, approaching him from behind and wrapping his arm around Tony's waist. 'Not at all.'

'Does that mean –'

'Cut off the flirting, men,' Happy's amused voice tell them, echoing in the room, followed by footsteps. 'We have a guest.'

They turn around, and a smile in climbing onto Tony's lips slowly – he hasn't seen Doc for a couple of weeks because of some consultations abroad – but before he can greet the man, Doc is just there, standing right in front of them, and slaps Steve. Hard.

Tony gapes.

'What the –'

'That's for when you left him on a fucking floor, I don't think you got what you should have for that, so we're even. Captain.'

'Doc, you can't just –' Tony starts angrily, because what on earth is this supposed to mean, but this time Steve cuts in.

'It's all right, Tony. I deserved that. Thank you,' he adds, turning to face Doc, and nods at the man slightly. 'I shouldn't have left him, no matter what.'

'Damn right you shouldn't have,' Doc huffs, and then narrows his eyes, scanning Tony's figure from head to toe and tutting unhappily. 'Now kiss, or something, kids, just wanted to make sure this man knows what he's gotten himself into.'

'Happy gave him the talk already, you can all back off now,' Tony declares with a tiny bit of annoyance, but it's kind of nice to see that someone cares about him like that. 'And can we just have a dinner or something, I really could eat.'

He blinks as three sets of eyes are suddenly staring at him hardly, and then he smiles and shrugs a little. They turn the night into a Saturday slumber party.

In the morning, Tony is amazed that no one tries to stop him from going to the team training; neither Steve nor JARVIS nor Happy say a word.

He can't help but wonder if that's a good sign or a bad sign.

The training is as tiring as it is satisfying, with everyone around it finally feels like a proper thing, the whole team working together. Tony tries to notice the things that Steve mentioned the little things, but everyone is too professional to let anything interfere with work. It's… uplifting, uplifting is probably a good words, to see them working together so well, so smoothly, with such ease, the way it should be.

There is a moment afterwards when everyone is sweaty and exhausted, heading to their rooms to get a shower and change into proper clothing, when Tony feels exactly what Peter told him about: that he'd like to be included. Because he really isn't, not when he's shielded from the whole world by his armor.

And those small things like sharing a meal or sharing a look or feeling it when someone pats him on the back thanking for the great training, it would make everything more real.

But there is no need for it to be.

It's not like he'll be Iron Man for long.

He says goodbye to Steve and leaves, taking a detour into the sky on his way back home, and lets the bots cuddle up to him and comfort him until Steve comes back, takes his hand, and leads him to bed.

Pepper comes the next day at lunchtime, partially to finish planning the trip to Texas, but mostly just to hang out with Tony as she's been busy recently and all they could do was teleconferences.

'So, do you know when you plan for the arc reactor energy tech to be public?'

'It's not like we're even sure it'll work –'

'Tony,' she laughs, raising an eyebrow, 'who are you trying to fool? How could it not work if you designed it?'

'It still –'

'Don't give me that, Mister Stark.'

'Whatever, Pep,' he agrees, but she can tell there is still some doubt in his voice, and it doesn't take her long to figure it out.

'It's because this is such a big thing, isn't it? Because it's – a legacy, like you once called it, and everything needs to be perfect because you won't be there to make sure of it later, so there is no margin for mistakes, none at all, is that it? No. You don't have to tell me. It's fine.'

'Pepper –'

'I know you well enough so you don't have to finish that sentence,' she cuts in again, voice stern, and Tony smiles tiredly. She's very right. Sometimes she can read his mind as well as JARVIS does.

'Since you entrust your life, and others' lives, to the miniaturized arc reactor every single time someone uses one of the suits, I have no doubt there are no faults. And I have no doubts there will be no faults. And also – I just can't wait to see it, something that will change the future, tangible and just there.'

'Wait,' Tony blinks and sets down the mug he's been holding, warm in his hands, 'you are coming?'

'Did I forget to mention that?' she asks innocently. 'I might've. Right, Tony. But I am coming.'

'So we'll end up having one big family party –'

'Since I'm sticking around, too,' Happy's voice supplies from across the room.

'And Steve?...' Pepper asks, looking back at Tony, and he shrugs.

'He's got to be at S.H.I.E.L.D. so I guess it will be us only, like in good old times.'

He has an impression that Pepper quite fancies the idea.

The rest of the week is busy, busier than Tony has grown used to – or maybe more intense is the better way to describe it, since he still doesn't ever give himself enough time to slack off and rest. He visits Riverside before the trip, as his Saturdays seem to be full of other plans his month, and spends half of the day playing with Legos, swinging younger kids in the swings, and talking with the older ones who still find him fascinating, even after all this time, something he can't quite understand.

Then he flies to Texas in Iron Man's invisible armor, with Rhodey and Happy beside him, and seeing the land moving so quickly underneath them and the sky same blue all the way, it all feels strangely new, even though he's done it countless times before.

Maybe that's because Rhodey and Happy haven't done it countless times before and it's a true miracle to them, and a novelty, to be able to fly.

The whole setting: having everyone around, eating takeout pizza and tacos and milkshakes, creating something this – big, size-wise and idea-wise, working in a tank top and hardly stopping to sleep, it all feels as if he travelled at least ten years back in time. It's been – different, since Afghanistan, but especially recently.

It's a great feeling.

They manage to finish the construction in two days, with the use of heavy machinery and pre-made chunks of the construction, and on Sunday Tony and Rhodey are finally ready to install the reactor's core.

'It might blow up if something goes wrong,' Tony warns everyone for the hundredth time, and yet they refuse to go somewhere safe, putting protective goggles and moving just two steps back instead.

'That's a constant risk around you,' Pepper comments, probably making a face, Tony isn't looking, but he can imagine it perfectly. 'We trust you.'

'Let's just turn it on then as see if it works – JARVIS?'

'Safety check done, sir. Everything ready.'

'Turn off all the superfluous power in the facility – Rhodey, connect that part as soon as I'm done here,' Tony orders, pointing at the piece. 'Here goes nothing,' he mutters to himself, walking up with the new element core in his hands, surprisingly light for a metal chunk this size, and after a breath places it in the center of the reactor.

Everything goes pulsating and white, and for a split of a second Tony hold his breath, countless ways of things going wrong flashing through his head – but the light steadies and turns blue, just like it should, and Rhodey shouts, 'We did it!' and then connect the pieces.

The whole building is illuminated again, the power coming from the reactor easily sufficient for a hundred of similar facilities.

'How long is it going to run then?' Pepper asks when Tony walks back to them, wrapping her hand around Tony's wrist and squeezing is reassuringly. Tony loves when she smiles this happily.

'With maximum consumption, a core should last a year. Maybe longer, but that's wishful thinking. Right, J?'

'It is 380 days we estimated, sir, not a year. But yes.'

'What happens to the core when it's depleted, though?' Happy questions, the blue glow of the reactor making his eyes shine strangely. 'Is it a waste or what?'

'We have so far found seventeen uses for recycled vibranium, Mister Hogan. There might be more to be discovered, but those seventeen seem to be sufficient. The element seems to stay useful even after such intense utilization.'

'That's so damn cool,' Happy summarizes everyone's feelings pretty aptly, still staring at the reactor. It does look impressive, Tony agrees wholeheartedly. Very impressive, but the numbers are ever more amazing.

This is his fucking legacy, in the end. It better be worth something –

'I'll turn it off now, Tony,' Rhodey says loudly and Tony nods in agreement, and then blinks a few times, watching the light die out again, and smiles.

– no, this is Tony Stark's legacy. It's only a part if his legacy.

Pepper stays in the west to visit a few of Star Industries plants on the coast, since she's in the area, so the three men come back to New York flying. As soon as they are in the city, they spread out: Rhodey goes back to his apartment, Happy flies home, and tony heads for the Avengers HQ to meet up with Steve, as promised.

'It worked,' he tells Steve, still in Iron Man's voice, as soon as he gets inside Steve's rooms, and lets JARVIS take the armor off. 'Perfectly.'

'Okay, great,' Steve says without much enthusiasm and Tony frowns.

'Steve?'

'Yeah?'

'Did something happen?'

'Not really,' Steve mutters, running a hand through his hair in an I'm not sure gesture that he sometimes does. 'We just – we had a rough night. Around. Well. And it's not like I'm not happy for you,' he adds quickly, giving Tony a firm look, 'it's just that I don't find it surprising it worked. It was you who created the reactor, in the end. Had to work.'

Tony nods, well, that's a nice thing to hear – but he wishes he knew what a rough night really means. Is it one of the nights that Steve was trying to get away from? Or rough S.H.I.E.L.D.-wise, training wise, since Steve's been training some juniors and seniors again?

He doesn't have to ask, though. Steve's openness is one of the things he admires a lot.

'We used to call nights like that veteran nights, back with the Commandos. Back then. It's restlessness and flashbacks and persistent thoughts that you wish went away, but they won't. I spent the night with Nat – we were talking,' Steve clarifies, as if there was any doubt, Tony thinks, smiling a bit. 'Telling stories. Explaining. It's things that are hard to put into words, so –'

'I'm sorry I wasn't here for you,' Tony says, feeling guilty because he's had one of the best times in the last few weeks, if not months, and he's Steve's – he's something for Steve, and that's his responsibility.'

'Don't be silly. I'm fine. It happens.'

There is no point in arguing – it's not like Tony can get into Steve's head to be sure – so he just asks, 'And Natasha?'

'She's sleeping.'

'Invite her for dinner tomorrow, when you see her. I'll be working, but you'll be at the HQ, right? You'll see her. I have a feeling she hates me a tiny bit. It would be nice to make her hate me a bit less or something, or just show her I'm not gonna corrupt you or steal you or whatever she might be thinking of.'

'… did it surprise you that she cares?' Steve asks after a beat, and Tony considers.

'I lived decades in a world where no one really cared, so yeah. It did. But I'm glad someone's looking out for you, even if it's an assassin.'

Steve laughs lightly and pulls Tony into a hug, and then tells him they are going out for food. Steve and Nate, that is.

'Candles and roses?' Tony teases, putting in the contact lenses.

'If you tell the street vendor, he might be able to procure some,' Steve replies, stretching out his hand. Tony takes it and lets Steve lead.

Natasha comes by the next evening – Happy disappears off the face of the earth, interestingly, pretending not to have anything to do with Nate more extremely than usual – and Tony starts to understand why she and Steve are friends.

She's funny and smart and had great sense of humor, when she dares to lower her usual ice queen defenses, and Tony almost feels jealous. Almost. Even though it's silly.

'I don't have big expectations when it comes to people,' she tells him when Steve leave for the kitchen to get the ice cream they're having for dessert; clever move, since ice cream is Tony to-go food that he can almost always eat it easily. 'As long as you make him happy, that's fine. You make him happy. That's fine by me.'

'I'm glad,' Tony types. Natasha reads upside-down fluently, so he doesn't even have to turn the tablet around. And then he thinks, why not, and adds, 'do you have someone like that?'

'You'd be surprised,' she replies with a mysterious smirk. Tony doesn't have time to dig deeper as Steve comes back a moment later, but it sounds like a yes.

'Sir, Director Fury would like to see you,' JARVIS tells Tony as soon as Tony gets up, Steve nowhere to be seen. Probably working out, like Steve does. With Happy, maybe.

'Huh?'

'Shall I –'

'Heya, old man,' Tony hears Hermes' artificially-laced voice, 'was told to leave a message for you from my buddy.'

'Your buddy?' Tony all but mouths, almost hearing JARVIS' internal sigh.

'You promised to help with some portal stuff. Well, there's more data now, so Fury kindly asks you to bring your ass over to HQ to talk to him. Well, he asks Iron Man, I assume, since that one was stupid enough to fly into a portal and saw things,' he finished in a perfect horror-movie-commentary-imitation voice.

'J, anything pressing?...'

'You chose your own activities and deadlines at this moment, sir,' JARVIS reminds him smoothly, sounding awfully happy with himself. True, there's nothing on Tony's plate that would need to be ready immediately.

'Tell your buddy that I'll be there – is he even at the HQ?'

'He's supposed to be between 1400 and 1600 hours, to pop in and hear out some morons' reports.'

'I'll be there half past three, then, let him know – and H, just a thought,' Tony smirks, 'you do get on too damn well, don't you?'

'I think I tried to tell you, Tony dear, that I'm too charming not to be admired by crowds,' Hermes replies before the line goes dead, soft static ringing in Tony's earns for a moment.

'JARVIS, we created a monster,' he deadpans, and JARVIS wisely stays silent.

'You look awful,' Fury says instead of a greeting, and Tony actually laughs.

'Oh no I don't, I actually look very smashingly handsome,' he declares. Maybe not smashingly handsome, but he doesn't look as bad as he could. Definitely better than the previous time and Director knows that, yet he still insists on playing his game. 'Right, H?'

'Oh yes you do,' Hermes agrees eagerly and when Fury glares, he adds, 'don't be mad, Nick, you're my favourite, but this is my creator and I need to play nice or he could do something.'

It sounds almost as if he were shivering, and Tony laughs a bit more.

'So, portals? Took you some time to drag me here again, since our last talk.'

'I was busy with other things. For example, world peace. Which you should be worried about, Iron Man.'

'I know you have a mission for me, because I have a mission for myself and you're going to pretend I'm doing it acting on your orders, like always, and that's as world peace of me as it gets this week,' Fury nods. Tony knows S.H.I.E.L.D. picked up the arms dealing activities in Middle East, too, and he will ensure nothing messed up comes out of it. 'Portals?'

'It would be exceptionally kind if someone like Iron Man finally appeared and consulted on the conclusions we've arrived to in our reports, including all portal-linked instances up to Thor's return. For future reference.'

'And I still don't see how you need my help –'

'I just want you to look at those damn reports, Stark, and check all the data we've been able to gather, as a scientist, you should know there's never too much data. And then I want you on a project.'

'If it's weapons –'

'It's research,' Fury glares. 'Doctor Foster will be part of the team, she just doesn't know yet, because the first thing I need to do is actually ask you. Have you made upgrades that would allow your suit to stay and work in space yet?'

'Why are you asking about this all of sudden?' Tony asks, narrowing his eyes, and sits down in the free chair. 'It's been a long time –'

'We're getting signals from our agents at the enemy's facility. They should be able to send us their reports and wrap up the mission in a few weeks, and the research they've been around is all about portals. Creating portals. Controlling portals. So presumably, there are quite a few individuals around who will know too much, and it's safe to assume it will be some time before we can capture and eliminate them all as threats.'

'So?'

'So, I want to make most of it – I want S.H.I.E.L.D. to make most of it.'

'You're enjoying saying things in such an inefficient way, Nick, buddy,' Hermes pipes up, making Fury rolls his eyes with fond annoyance. 'We've been talking about the abilities of A.I.'s, and Nick here though we could use the portals, instead of just destroying them. As in, say A.I. robots through them to gather data for us. There where the scientist and data rant comes from.'

'What, do you volunteer, H?' Tony asks automatically, processing the words and everything they could man in his head. He has to admit that Fury is right about the portals appearing around, it sounds inevitable. He only had a few seconds of footage but it's still priceless. 'I'm busy,' he says, resting his hands in his lap.

'That's a lame excuse.'

'I really am damn busy,' Tony repeats, taking out his tablet and giving the to-do list a quick look. There are dozens of positions and most of them completely untouched.

But then it's not like he'll manage to make half of them real, he realizes. It's just impossible. Everything requires time.

And well, he does have a space-safe suit.

So, prioritizing.

'I'll give the reports a look, and I'll think about it. If you are nice, maybe you'll get something. For science.'

'For science,' Fury repeats mockingly, and then nods to himself. 'They are waiting in debrief room thirteen.'

'Nick was sure you'd agree, well, almost sure, and he thought if you don't agree, the research team won't complain anyway because they are too afraid to do that,' Hermes explains helpfully.

'Damn right,' Fury mutters. Tony snickers, and stands up, nodding at JARVIS to wrap the armor around him, and three second later he's safe in his cocoon.

'And, by the way,' Fury says before Tony get to the door, 'are you ever gonna tell me what's going on with you?'

'Nope.'

'With S.H.I.E.L.D. resources –'

'Nope,' Tony repeats and turns around sharply. 'Don't even start,' he adds before walking out of the room.

'How do you like the deep space exploration idea, J?' Tony asks when he's flying over Europe to complete another of Iron Man's famous world peace missions.

'Intriguing, sir. We would have to find a reliant way of communication, though, and it seems impossible as there is no way of knowing where the other of the portal ends is. It might be hundreds or thousands of light-years away.'

'They did it in Star Wars,' Tony says with a straight face, glancing at the data spread across the HUD.

'Then we shall try using the force,' JARVIS replies, his serious voice matching Tony's, and Tony wishes they could.

When the mission is complete – it's almost like going back to Iron Man's first days, nothing but blowing up weapons that shouldn't be where they are, and assuring the owners don't hurt the civilians as a punishment – Tony gives himself a few long minutes of rest before flying back home. He hates being tired so damn much, especially because it never ends, these days. It gets better and worse but it never ends.

'All done easily here and I'm on my way back,' he reports back to everyone who would like to hear that, and then shuts down the message and call alerts. 'I need a moment of nothing but the damn rustle of the air around the suit. Or a few moments.'

'Understood, sir,' JARVIS agrees obediently; he always understands.

When he is half across Spain, he makes a decision and stops the suit, hovering over the clouds somewhere above Madrid.

'Change course and tell Steve I'm sorry but I'll talk to him when I'm back –'

'Sir?'

'We're taking a detour. There is someone I need to see in the UK.'

Scott simply raises an eyebrow when the doors seem to open themselves – since the armor in still in an invisible mode – and when Tony seems to magically appear in the middle of the living room.

'Just in time for tea and biscuits,' he comments mildly, gesturing at the tea table, 'let me just get a teacup for you – seeing you in person is still nicer than talking to the holographic you. I dislike that persistent blue glow.'

'Yeah, I can't keep the edges as sharp without the blue, you know I've been trying to do something with that for years –'

'Don't lie to me,' Scott cuts in happily, pouring Tony a cup of the tea, 'you just want them to be like the holograms in Star Wars. Lucky me you don't insist on making then that wavy and pitch-sounded, too.'

'Star Wars seems to be a thing a lot recently,' Tony mutters over the teacup, blowing at it as if it would really help with the scalding hot liquid.

'Maybe because it's supposed to be the future and you live in the future? Iron Man?'

Tony snickers, puts down the teacup, and then laughs, his voice harsh and ragged, his lungs screaming for air, but he can't stop. It's fucking stupid but it – it just sounds wrong. Simple choice of words.

'Live,' he finally says, aware of Scott observing him with reluctant worry, 'not really.'

'You have months.'

'Or weeks. How would you know? Maybe days. Maybe some aliens will feel like visiting London in ten minutes, and we'd be blown apart. There's no knowing. It's not really living –'

'That's not true and you know it –'

'There is a funeral I need to go to,' Tony cuts in, just above a whisper. 'Tomorrow.'

'Tony,' Scott just says, waiting for an explanation. Tony takes a few sips of the tea in silence before he puts the words together.

'I got the message yesterday, well, JARVIS got it for me. Someone I've been seeing every few weeks at the clinic, for months. We talk while we wait, all of us, so it's like that little crowd that you get to know pretty well without realizing. And I should go, but…'

'But?'

'I haven't been to a funeral since my parents.'

'… But you want to attend,' Scott reads his mind, so Tony nods. Scott knows everything too damn well. 'Take someone with you.'

'I require too much of them already,' Tony says, and it explains things well enough. Scott is a blessing because he doesn't push.

'At least let Nate cry then. I know you didn't and I know you wouldn't, but maybe let Nate do it for you. It's a very human thing to do,' he pauses and then adds, 'but at least drink your tea before you fly away, T.'

Tony does and then decides to stays overnight and doesn't say a single word all that time. It is fine, though, because Scott has seen it before.

He makes it right in time to get home, change, and get to the graveyard on time.

'No fucking crying,' he mutters to himself throughout the service, making sure no one hears him, because no one is supposed to hear Nate's voice.

He keeps it together, offers an envelope with handwritten note to the widow, and leaves the sun-filled and almost too bright graveyard in quick steps, and then enters a nearby bar. He hasn't taken any of his meds since yesterday, because he was feeling sick of them rather than planning this – so he's free to do what he wants.

It's not hard to get drunk as he hasn't touched alcohol for a long time, other than a sip of whiskey and Rhodey's non-alcoholic beers. It's a strange heavy feeling in his limbs, making him feel blurry at the edges, making his thoughts slow down and the whole world slow down, and making him smile lopsidedly with ease.

'You, mister, should head home now,' the barman says sometime, Tony isn't sure how long he's been sitting here.

'One more gin tonic,' he types, the movements of his fingers surprisingly accurate, 'for the road.'

'Well, you're the boss,' the barman mutters and obeys. Tony leaves him an almost-Stark tip when he finally jumps off the stool.

Tony unsurely steps out of the door into the semi-darkness of late twilight; it doesn't take long to have a taxi stop in front of the bar. He gets inside and shows the driver the address. Just before he closes his eyes, he blurrily sees the driver looking at him in the rear mirror with a smile.

A/N: Thank you for reading! Please comment if you have a second, your words mean a world to me! :)