Again come the morning (part 6)

It's dark when he wakes up and he hurts all over. That's unusual.

And then he realizes he's somewhere he doesn't recognize and takes a sharp breath, sitting up rapidly, which makes his head pound unbearably and the – the restraints around his wrists cut into his skin.

That's just beyond the usual level of disaster.

'Hello,' a melodic male voice says somewhere on his left. 'Not the usual way you wake up, hmm? Unless you're into things, that is. I wouldn't want to assume.'

Tony closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and opens them again to look at his hands. His skin is still shades darker than normal which means he hasn't been here, wherever it might be, for too long. It takes the color three hours to come off and he is pretty sure he took one of the pills about half an hour before he left the bar.

Going there, in retrospect, was an unbelievably stupid idea.

He glares at the man, his stare not hard enough since he can't focus on anything beyond the pain properly. If everything is intact, he should be able to keep his cover for a while longer; it's worth trying even though he doesn't know how much time he has.

So he keeps silent and eyes the laptop sitting on the table next to the man. He looks perfectly ordinary, as if taken out of a criminology textbook, stealth chapter. Almost too ordinary.

'Oh yes, I know, the mute genius, he won't exactly answer your questions, they told me. They said you can hear me perfectly fine though, so here is what I'm going to tell you and what you're going to do: we know you can create A.I.s. Don't ask me how – wait, you couldn't even if you wanted,' he laughs, making Tony's skin crawl, 'but we know things. We know quite a few S.H.I.E.L.D. secrets are protected by something of your making, including the details of a mission you're in the middle of, one that could be very bad for us.'

Tony keeps his face blank, as blank as he can manage with his thoughts elsewhere: the agents are in danger. They are not yet, apparently, but they will be. He needs to make sure they'll be safe but he'd have to talk to JARVIS about that.

'Your communications is thoroughly scrambled,' the man says gleefully, 'we aren't stupid.'

JARVIS will be on a lookout for Tony, as soon as Tony goes incommunicado. They are always connected so that's a great sign.

Also, Nate is just Nate and no one would expect him to be a frequent kidnapping victim; he's not Tony Stark who would have an experimental locating chip implanted somewhere in his body.

Only that he is, so he smiles. That's not a good idea but he doesn't care: at this moment, there is no one he loathes more than this over-informed man. And he has very little to lose.

The man doesn't like the smile, Tony feels it in the force that's put into the slap on his face.

He is physically much weaker, he knows, and the restrains hurt his wrist as hell, but that doesn't make the desire to punch the man stop.

Nate is just a scientist, just a scholar and a genius, maybe; he isn't Tony Stark who shot people and put his mentor and former friend into a jail for life after threatening to kill him.

He smiles again and the man snarls, more worked up than he should be, in Tony's opinion – but then he's never really been the bad guy – and lunges to hit Tony again, this time aiming at his chest, oh fuck they had to notice the damn thing implanted into his body, even though he keeps the light covered, they must have searched him and noticed the reactor. Tony can't let the man lay the punch; he has only a second to act, so he frees his hand with a violent movement, tearing some skin off and possibly dislocating something inside, but he manages to move out of the way of the man's arm. There is a pause as the man freezes, his first meeting nothing but the air, throwing him off balance, and Tony uses that hesitation to free his other hand, and then he pushes the old rusty hospital bed he's been tied to into the man's frame, catching him off guard, and the man falls. Tony reminds himself to take a breath, much more painful than usual and almost not worth it, and moves.

He pins the man to the floor with his knee while the man is still dizzy, having obviously banged his head on the hard concrete surface.

'They will be –' he manages to spit out before Tony returns the punch on the face, and then with one swift move he's learned from Natasha, not that she's aware, he makes the man black out.

No time, he knows, his thoughts keep racing underneath the surface of the pulsating ache. Someone will come in in a moment and he has to prioritize: hide? Fight back? Try to negotiate – well, that card is gone when they see the man on the floor.

Protect your identity comes to his mind pretty much as the first thing, still, something drilled in during the long days of pretending he is not himself. Wasting his energy on anything else is pointless; he's too weak to fight anyone else. His heart is racing and breathing makes his chest too tight.

He couldn't even run away if he wanted.

The man's phone has no network access, it would be very silly of the kidnappers not to make sure of that, Tony mentally congratulates them on that; he gets the time, though. Just before midnight. He should still have almost an hour of safe cover: that means they aren't anywhere far and JARVIS will be here for him soon. He sits down, cross-legged, and digs a hidden miniature box out of the sole of his shoe. No one can detect it: it's no weapon, just plastic and meds, just in case something like this happened.

He dry-swallows a skin colorant and a pain medicine and tosses the package away just in time; a few seconds later he hears footsteps outside and two bulky men step in the room.

They don't have time to react, though, not really, as Iron Man gets inside through a dramatic window smash, and takes them down in the matter of a second.

'You did well,' Iron Man's voice echoes hollowly as he kneels in front of Tony. Tony puts his hand on the armor's shoulder tiredly, in a silent thank you.

JARVIS must be itching to say sir, but he doesn't, and that makes Tony frown slightly and look around once again.

'Captain and Widow are three minutes behind me; I informed Captain of the events. He insisted on coming and Widow wouldn't let him do it alone, in case there were more enemies present –' he trails off for a moment, targeted tranqs shooting out from his arm pocket, three bodies hit the floor; Tony is slipping because he didn't even hear anyone coming, '– as if I was unable to take care of them.'

'I don't say unable,' Tony mutters, tapping the armor with affection, 'just wasn't able, kiddo.'

'Forgive me,' JARVIS inclines his head and stays still though he must be itching to scan Tony to make sure he's all right.

'They didn't expect Nate to have badass friends that would come after him this quick,' he says harshly, almost feeling like laughing which isn't a good idea, 'cause the reactor.

'Are you hurting much?'

'I just swallowed a pill, it'll be gone soon,' Tony slightly slurs, shutting his eyes as bright lights appear behind the broken window, making the room too-bright, and then Cap and Natasha jump off the hovering jet into the building.

'Are you okay?' Steve asks, kneeling in front of Tony in no time, and looking at him closely. The question has too many answers.

'Achy,' he signs weakly, and Steve's eyes widen at the sight of his mutilated wrists, 'but okay.'

'You should have waited for us to come, you wouldn't have gotten this hurt –'

'Don't,' Tony signs.

Natasha's eyes are burning a hole in his forehead.

'Had to,' he adds and looks at Steve, hoping his eyes say please understand. Steve nods unsurely and wraps his arms around Tony's shoulders, carefully avoiding touching the wrists or the reactor area, and helps Tony up.

Tony's legs are shaking and he would have fallen if it weren't for Steve – just then he realizes he's still pretty much drunk. His mind seems clear enough, but his body is going to process the alcohol for some time.

'Any more goons?' he signs at Iron Man, who is standing unmoving. 'They know we have some agents among them, they said.'

'Support squad on its way, it seems, but no one conscious in the facility,' JARVIS keeps his voice perfectly level. 'I shall stay behind and make sure they are dealt with until S.H.I.E.L.D. gets here.'

'You mean they are affiliated with the organization we're trying to work out?' Natasha speaks up for the first time, a strange note Tony doesn't know to her voice.

'Probably.'

'Fuck,' she mutters, but she's close enough for everyone to hear it. 'Comm scrambler, it seems,' she adds, checking her S.H.I.E.L.D.-issued phone, 'a damn good one. Well done, bastards.'

'We need to take you home,' Steve whispers into Tony's ear, still almost holding him upright.

'I will stay –' Natasha starts at the same time, but then she shakes her head, 'no, I'll pilot. You scoop him up and carry him to the jet. Iron Man will manage to take care of this, right?'

JARVIS nods, his arms crossed on the armored chest, looking strangely natural, and watches them leave.

'You're quite badass for such a weeny thing,' Natasha comments offhandedly, but with a note of appreciation, following them into a jet.

'Thanks,' Tony signs, smiling weakly. Steve raises an eyebrow at that but Natasha can't see it.

'And by the way, I'm surprised,' she adds as soon as they are inside and she's putting on the headset, 'I was getting pretty sure you were Iron Man,' she adds, looking back at Tony nestled into one of the reclining seats. Steve tenses at his side, though Tony's sure no one but him would notice; Steve can be a great actor sometimes.

Tony tilts his head, resting it on Steve's arm, and signs, 'I am.'

He isn't sure if it's because he is drunk or because Natasha deserves to know, for Steve's sake, and would know soon enough, but it feels right.

'Are you?'

'Sometimes,' he adds at her stunned face. 'I am… sometimes.'

'And now?' she questions, a balance of curiosity and doubt in her voice, and Tony smiles hazily and waves at Steve to talk for him.

'Iron Man is sometimes operated by an A.I.' Steve says, 'and I never thought that would be a surprise, Nat. You know him, he's a genius – but please, just fly us home now. New York, that is. Our HQ. I'll take care of him from then on.

'Dress his wrists first,' Natasha just says, turning around, and flies them back.

Tony wakes up with a splitting headache and that definitely is hangover. There's also Doc's face hovering over him, and a familiar hum of the workshop, completed by a bluish glow.

'JARVIS' scans say there is no internal injuries, should I trust him?'

'He's JARVIS,' Tony mutters, his own voice too loud inside his head, 'he'd pin me to bed if he thought I needed rest. The scans are accurate.'

'Just wondering, kid – they are scarily accurate. Really freakishly accurate. I haven't seen non-magnetic scans this accurate ever before.'

'Technology progresses every day,' Tony counters, wriggling his feet and moving his hands a bit; the pain is focused in a few spots now; his head and chest and general abdomen area, and where the restraining ropes were.

'Why haven't we been using this before…?'

'Recent development.'

Doc raises an eyebrow.

'Well, whatever you say – how on Earth did you manage to get yourself kidnapped? You were supposed to be just a guy, in this disguise. Just a damn guy. You're gonna give me a heart attack.'

'They knew too much,' he says, even though it's not really an explanation. 'They knew I made the A.I.s. Natasha and JARVIS have to do something with these men.

'Director Fury and Agent Coulson flew to the site personally,' Steve speaks up from the side and a moment later he's there with cups of hot milky tea. 'They will make sure to find out everything there is to find out.'

'Good.'

'I'll stay here tonight,' Doc says, standing up to leave the bedroom, 'you have an acceptable sofa. I'll make sure you're okay in the morning. Now just sleep.'

'We'll see about that,' Tony mutters, glancing at the dawning sky. The summer sunrises are early, but he still had to be out for a couple of hours since falling asleep on the jet.

'I know you were just kidnapped and hurt and it was adrenaline-inducing or however you call it,' Steve tells him softly, taking the half-empty cup out of his hand, 'but your body is exhausted. You need rest. So sleep.'

'Maybe,' Tony mutters, trying to keep his eyes open, but he fails so miserably. Kind of pathetic, but he knows his head will hurt less if he gives in and rest and that's a very strong argument.

'Tony… why did you tell Natasha about Nate? She's going to keep asking, thinking, did you have – a reason?'

'Nah,' Tony mutters into the pillow. 'You can have 'Tasha, y'know,' he adds sleepily, turning to his side, Steve's arm over his waist.

'What?!' he hears Steve's stunned voice, which only makes him smile mellowly.

'When I'm gone, you can ask her to be your girl, she seems nice enough and you like her, and she's pretty,' the words keep coming out of his mouth and he can't be bothered to stop, not really, 'and you'll need someone.'

'How on Earth would that work –'

'We were friends and now we're – this, and you two are friends…'

'It doesn't work like that,' Steve replies, with a little bit more amusement, but it's sad amusement. 'Besides, she is seeing someone.'

Tony nods sleepily, his thoughts too scrambled to actually process the words, and he falls asleep to the warm body next to his.

The rope cuts sting as hell when Doc is cleaning them in the morning. It's a new sharp superficial kind of pain and Tony stares at his arms with curiosity, wishing all his body was this easy to tend to and to fix.

It's an unknown, a dark hole, instead, and it's frustrating to no end.

'Was your identity really worth it?' Doc asks, securing the bandage, and Tony raises his head confusedly.

'Hmm?'

'Was it worth it, beating up that man just to secure your false identity when you had no idea when someone might come after you and how many people are around? They could have hurt you really badly.'

'I had to.'

'Haven't you had enough torture in your life?'

That's a low one but Tony knows what Doc means; he's established the price he's willing to pay for keeping his real identity secret, and it's a damn high price. But ultimately it might be just not worth it.

It's up to him to decide where to draw the line.

'It still was worth it,' he says firmly, and adds, just to placate Doc a bit 'cause he's an overprotective bastard, 'I calculated everything and knew J would be there within half an hour at most. Half an hour is very little,' compared to three months he leaves unsaid.

Doc doesn't argue with that, instead, he sighs deeply and promises to come in the evening to check up on Tony.

'JARVIS kept his word until you went off grid,' Steve tells Tony, placing a plate full of fruit and other nice things on the table a few minutes later.

'Oh?'

'When you disappeared, he told me what you were up to. I was worried when you decided to take a detour on your way back, but he assured me it's more than fine, so it was good and I was okay with that – and then he tells me you got drunk and someone kidnapped you,' he adds in quiet voice, 'and I knew he wasn't joking, but really, it sounded like a bad joke.'

'Well,' is all Tony can say. Steve's turn to talk today.

'That… it wasn't the first funeral, was it?

'… no, it's wasn't,' Tony admits. 'It was the first one I dared to really think about, though.' And after a short pause, 'Steve. I might have a few places to visit.'

'All right,' Steve agrees in understanding and stands up, 'now?'

'No, you lovely moron,' Tony laughs, 'it's the first. We have a team meeting today and by the way I should've been in radiation like three hours ago –'

'You weren't in a state to go.'

'I know,' Tony mutters, waving his hand at JARVIS' who reads his mind and displays a virtual calendar on the nearby screen. 'Team meeting, training, and then we send Jane, Thor, and Natasha off to Australia again… Busy week. Well. Day.'

Not too busy though: JARVIS goes to the training with Steve – Tony doesn't even consider arguing, that would be silly and childish – but he makes a switch and it's him during the team meeting.

Bruce asks Iron Man to stay for a moment after everything is concluded and it's time for the customary team dinner.

'I heard from Director Fury that you're going to consult on portals and deep space,' Tony nods, wondering how Bruce knows that. 'Fury doesn't like sharing things but I don't like working for someone who doesn't share things, so we compromise. Hermes is helpful in that.'

'How so?' Tony can't stop himself from asking, trying to ignore the images of Fury being gently persuaded by the threat of Hulk strolling around if he doesn't talk.

'He believes there shouldn't be any secrets in very important matters that involve helluva lot of people, to quote his words, apparently. He has a strong moral code for such an annoying being, you know.'

'All right,' Tony agrees, snickering behind the faceplate. Sometimes he surprises himself with his amazing ideas.

'So, if you want anyone to help out or brainstorm, let me know? I might not be an expert but it's a very interesting subject and I'd be happy to help out.'

'Sure,' Iron Man agree, inclining his head a bit. He isn't sure at all if he wants to let Bruce in more, though. Bruce is too smart to be given more pieces of the puzzle.

Tony sighs, knowing that he'll have to revisit the is it worth is part of his big plan; then he follows Bruce upstairs to see the leaving party out. Natasha keeps giving Tony long looks whenever she can afford and he pretends not to notice and doesn't react; that's so easy in the suit. Once the Quinjet is gone, Tony takes off, too, leaving Steve to the teammates, and flies until the sun sets down covering everything in a navy blue blanket.

They spend the next two days walking through cemeteries. Most of the people Tony's met are – were – from New York, so it's not a long trip, especially in Steve's comfy car. He seems to kind of hate the idea at first and tries to talk Tony out of it, naturally, but Tony insists. He doesn't tell Steve that JARVIS has most of his funeral arrangements managed.

The cemeteries are all the same, no matter the part of town, no matter the denomination. They are climatic in the light rain and serene in the sun, full of names and dates, vows and declarations, fresh flowers and dead flowers. Steve collects the dead bouquets while Tony stares at gravestones with familiar names and wonders how it is to pray for the dead, and then he throws them into the dumpster as they leave, each time. It's a cross between awkward and kind, exactly what Steve is.

Tony feels unexpectedly good this radiation course, at least so far, and it's a small miracle that is to be celebrated.

So they do.

In the mornings after the radiation – it's still early – they lounge in the living room and eat late breakfast, taking slow bites and savoring the exquisite flavors of ripe summer fruit. They sit on the floor and in the direct sunlight, rays wrapping warmly around them, and they sit close enough for their bodies to almost-touch. They sit shoeless and disguise-less and smiling, mostly in silence, just enjoying the calmness.

There is a mad rushing city down there and the whole world moving on but they don't have to; it's enough to open the windows and listen to the buzz, let the wind in, and pretend that they are elsewhere. Or not really pretend: Tony is happy being here and Steve seems to be happy by his side. Maybe it would have been more poetic to be somewhere else to celebrate the summer, somewhere more south, somewhere with more history, but this is home.

Sunlit and concrete and steel and glass home.

It's worth it to stop and try to remember – no, not really, no point in that, right? – live every second as thoroughly as possible, take every breath with as much care as possible, with a shiver, with a smile.

Tony doesn't hurry to go back to work. It feels strange, he's been rushing and trying to do everything all the time for months; a few of the big things are done, but it doesn't stop him from feeling slightly guilty about doing nothing.

That is, until he sees how happy is makes Steve, and he lets himself be just happy, no second thoughts, too.

Steve goes to HQ on Saturday when Tony disappears for his trip to Riverside. Bruce isn't there but Tony gets texts from both of them on his way: Bruce wants to know if Iron Man wants to talk about the portal issue; I need a few more days, Tony replies. He's been busy doing lovely nothing, that's his excuse.

Clint texts him too, asking Nate about cycling again and although Tony is feeling unexpectedly well, it doesn't feel like a good idea: he wouldn't be able to match what he was half a year ago even in those favorable circumstances. So he replies, Sorry, but I can't right now; I'll let you know if I have a moment sometime. Not a lie, he just won't have a moment.

Sunday sky is filled with soft white clouds, making everything hazy and unclear, but it's exceptionally warm and stuffy, in a way Tony has always hated but finds himself appreciating it makes him feel warm all through, down to the bone, and this doesn't happen that often these days.

They stay in bed late with Steve, both tired after long Saturday, and get out of the bedroom only because JARVIS announces Pepper at the apartment's doors.

'Get dressed,' she says with an amused face when she sees them stumbling around in shorts and t-shirts, 'we're going out.'

'Huh?'

'Don't make that face, Tony. You'll love it.'

'You should trust Miss Potts, sir. She knows exactly what makes you happy.'

'Can't argue with that,' he mutters, walking past Steve back into the room to put on some appropriate clothes. He figures he's going out as Nate, like always, so he ends up in soft chinos and a short-sleeved shirt. His wrists with the wounds almost half-healed, still pink and slightly inflamed, are exposed, but he doesn't care about covering them.

Pepper just glances at his the marks – they haven't met in person since the event, she was away so they could only talk – but doesn't seem to make anything of them; Tony is just glad she isn't crying or scolding him or anything.

Huh. This cancer thing must have made her tougher, he realizes. He isn't sure he likes that, well, he's pretty sure he doesn't like that.

She takes Tony, Steve, and Happy to one of Howard-built Stark skyscrapers, sneaking them unnoticed, and pushes the button for the roof level, and Tony suddenly remembers some plans they made months before he disappeared. When they leave the elevator and step outside, he isn't disappointed: there is a garden there, full of scents and colors amplified by being bathed in the sun, and the aroma of pines, so strange to New York, makes Tony smile widely.

Pepper raises an eyebrow at that and he nods; they share a lot of great memories that this reminds them both of.

'Let's have a picnic,' she says lightly. Steve blinks in wonder and Happy smirks; of course he had to know about this, he and Pepper are impossible sometimes.

'You know we could just –' he starts, but then realizes they couldn't go anywhere normal, someone recognizable like Pepper doesn't go sit on the grass in Central Park. It's still a bit strange to think he could. 'Picnic sounds great.'

He doesn't let himself thing about anything for the next few hours and it's blissful; it's just friends enjoying fancy snack food and organic sodas, sitting on the grass in the shade, hiding from the strong sunrays. There is a light salty breeze up above the city and when Tony lays down on his back and breathes the air in, staring at the blue cloudless sky, it almost feels like everything in perfect.

The afternoon could last forever, however cheesy that sounds, he decides.

It ends too quickly, even if rationally Tony knows they've just spent the whole day relaxing. The sunset comes too early but the soft darkness falling over the city and changing it subtly, while not welcome, is simply enthralling.

The next week continues being hot and sunny, with everyone in the stuffy streets hoping for a breath of wind or a cold bottle of water. Steve doesn't say anything but Tony notices the looks of worry, of course – the heat wave could be hard to deal with for Tony, physically, but he's always loved this kind of weather.

As long as he's not in the desert, of course.

'Let's get ice cream,' he tells Steve on Monday when they walk out of the clinic.

'For breakfast?'

'Perfectly acceptable,' Tony declared over-passionately, flashing Steve a smile. 'And cold.'

'Now you're talking,' Steve laughs and drives them, following JARVIS' direction, to one of approved places. They get enormous portions of ice cream of crazy flavors and go for a walk, instead of making their way back to the car. It's a delight pretending to be one of random people in the streets, looking almost touristy in the light clothes and hats and sunglasses they are wearing.

Tony takes Steve's hand and hold it, even though it get sweaty too quickly and falls out of his grip; he just tightens his fingers around Steve's. Somehow it makes him feel – safe.

'Is there something you… want to do?' Steve asks when they're almost done with the ice cream, mostly focusing on not getting the remaining melty custard on their clothes.

It might sound vague but Tony knows exactly what the question is about.

'I already did it,' he replies quickly, 'the arc reactor.'

'But I mean – for yourself, not for everyone else.'

Tony blinks and takes a moment to breath out a simple, 'nah.'

'But maybe –'

'Steve,' Tony says, stopping in the middle of the pavement and looking into Steve's eyes as steadily as he can manage, 'I have never stopped myself from doing what I wanted, when I was you-know-who. I visited all the places and tried everything that came to my mind and I pleasured myself in all the possible ways, and there is none of those before I die things left.'

'If you say so,' Steve agrees half-heartedly.

'This is what I want to do, you know,' Tony adds, hating to see Steve sad like this while he himself isn't. 'Slow sunny mornings. Waking up next to you. Doing damn simple normal things as if they were most important in the world. I've done everything else. This is new,' he pauses waiting for Steve to nod. 'And I'm feeling well. That's everything.'

'All right.'

'You sure?'

'Yeah, I get what you mean – Tony,' he says in a whisper into his ear, making Tony shiver at the tingling at the back of his neck. 'Good.'

'Can we have more ice cream then?'

'You sure you're up to it?'

'They are safe food,' Tony reminds Steve, raising an eyebrow challengingly. 'And I haven't had vanilla with berry swirl yet, there is a place somewhere around that corner where they have –'

'You've been pretending to wander around all this time only to accidentally get close to another ice cream place, hmm?'

'I am dying,' he tells Steve firmly, not seeing Steve's expression at that as his face is half-hidden behind the sunglasses. He turns around and starts walking, still holding Steve's hand. 'I am allowed to do things like that.'

'I could have more ice cream,' Steve only comments, his voice almost too light, and they keep on walking.

On the last day of radiation Tony gets a phone call from Fury a few moments after coming back home; it's Hermes who says the director is wondering about the portal consulting – and has a few things to add to that, if you were kind enough to come by, dear creator.

'I know what he's on about,' Tony sighs, JARVIS monitors S.H.I.E.L.D. all the time so he's always ahead of the news. 'I'll be there in the afternoon. Say, four. Or something.'

'Or something, dear lord, Tony,' Hermes comments disapprovingly, making Tony chuckle.

'Yep, that, and see ya,' he adds, waving at J to cut the connection which JARVIS does immediately.

'I made you yogurt pancakes,' Steve says from the kitchen – unnecessary, the whole house smells like lovely breakfast. 'I need to get to S.H.I.E.L.D. in an hour for a debrief – I bet Fury will tell you everything. And I'll go by the HQ on my way back, promised Clint and Spider Man a few rounds, they insist they miss me being there to punch all the time.'

'I bet,' Tony laughs and sits down to eat.

'Welcome, Master,' Hermes' voice greets Tony as soon as he enters Fury's office.

'What's up with you today, bud?

'Can't I be nice sometimes?'

'I didn't program you to be nice.'

'But I am a learning entity,' Hermes points out smugly, making Tony snicker.

'How can you learn about being polite when you're around Fury all the time?'

'My agents are polite to me,' Fury comments from the other side if the room, pockets something he picked up from a shelf, and moves to sit down by his desk. Tony takes the other chair. 'Natasha told me that you told her part of your story. She also mentioned you did a good unnecessary job fighting. I'm surprised.'

'Oh?'

'You never pegged me for the type.'

'You thought I'd just sit back and let them do whatever they want to do to me?' Tony snorts with dry amusement, 'you know I fought back the last time. I knew this time it wouldn't get a chance to get serious, so. But thanks for the compliment.'

'It wasn't one.'

'Of course it wasn't,' Tony agrees mockingly. Fury stares at him for a moment, stretching into almost uncomfortable territory.

'It was stupid of you to give someone a chance, really. Getting into a stranger's car?'

'It was a fucking taxi.'

'Your A.I. could have made sure you have a drive home –'

'Just drop it, will ya?' Tony cuts in. He doesn't need to heart this.

'So, are you gonna make up your mind or not, about the portals?' Fury asks, changing the subject obediently. 'I need answers. There are teams waiting for answers from you, not to mention the whole wide world that would benefit.'

'You haven't told me yet what the men you captured spilt – by the way, you see, if I haven't entered that taxi you'd have never had those guys, so it was worth it.'

'How do you know they told us anything?' Fury muses, leaning back on the chair, ignoring the second half of Tony's statement. But he gives Tony an are you an idiot look anyway.

'One thing I'd trust you with is exactly that, squeezing secrets out of poor bad guys. Not to mention all that truth serums and elaborate techniques your interrogation team is very familiar with. So, what did they say?'

'They were muscle mass only, not high in the hierarchy. Figures. All they could give us was a few names and a few places; they are almost sure we've infiltrated their organization but they aren't sure how and when and where, exactly –'

'So you're not pulling your men out?'

'They knew the risk, don't sound so appalled, Stark. They are special trained agents and they are doing a damn good job. Anyway, we think the mission might wrap up in a few weeks, they have a deadline from us. We acknowledge there is a line between gathering as much intel as possible and being too daring. It's cute of you to worry.'

'It's a moral requirement to worry,' Tony shots back, somehow amused by Fury actually saying cute, even if it sounds like insult coming from him.

'But. Do you feel like deep space exploration, then?'

'I don't.'

Fury stares.

'I don't,' Tony replies. 'But I can help.'

'You don't.'

'I've been through a portal once and that was one time too much,' Tony explains, giving Fury only half of the reason, but a logical and perfectly understandable and human part of the reason. After almost-dying it should be logical to be… prejudiced. A bit. 'Between Doctor Foster and Bruce, they would be able to do everything they can.'

'But we need an A.I.'

'I can help you with that. I can lend you a space-proof suit, if I figure out the way to communicate, because, if you haven't noticed yet, that's an issue. But I don't want to have anything else to do with the research.'

'… that doesn't sound like you.'

'Doesn't sound like Tony Stark, Iron Man, or Nate Rives?' Tony questions smugly and Fury doesn't have an answer to that. One point for Tony. 'I say I'm in but I need to work in my own pace – and you need this for after you capture the big fish anyway, right? Right. Yeah. So, I'll keep trying to find a Star Wars solution to comms and things and you'll let Doctor Foster and Bruce to all your resources and everything they might ask you for without questions, and you'll make sure they are safe. Just in case.'

'You're demanding this week.'

'I'm always demanding,' Tony snorts, 'that's because I've gained the right to be.'

'Like hell you did,' Fury mutters, but it seems half-hearted. Tony ignores him.

'And by the way, yes, I'm observing those guys in Africa and I'll sort them out within a few days and drop the devices off at the local S.H.I.E.L.D. facility, and I know Steve will be going for an op with you and Phil, of all people, I don't know how you want that to work but whatever you think will be good. Have great time in Germany. And Ukraine.'

'You weren't supposed to know about Ukraine.'

'Even if you were able to keep that from me, technically, Steve would tell me anyway despite your scowls and all. He's that man.'

'Just keep focused on the important things, Stark.'

'Everything is important,' Tony counters, snapping his fingers and standing up, a smile crawling onto his face. 'That was a long enough talk, there, I think,' he pauses to take a breath. And another. 'Take care of Steve tomorrow, and of your damn portal team and of the Avengers, or I'll make sure you regret it.'

He then turns around and walks out of the room, closing the door behind him with a thud, ignoring the what the fuck just happened stare Fury is giving him.

Steve wakes up at five and leaves soon after. Tony pretends to be asleep but he isn't, he hasn't been sleeping most of the night, he doesn't know why, but there is a restless air all around and he just can't make his mind wander and analyze every damn detail.

It's exhausting but all he has ahead in the day is typing, watching, talking with J, so it will be all right.

He gets out of the bed before six and makes his way to the workshop, the duvet wrapped around his shoulders like a coat, and nestles himself on the floor. The bots are around immediately, as always, and Tony gives them some tasks to do while he talks with JARVIS.

'Mister Hogan is in his room, sir if you are feeling the need of human contact,' J says after they've been talking for over an hour, Tony's throat slightly sore form the incessant discussion.

'Are you asking me if I'm feeling lonely because Steve left?' Tony chuckles when JARVIS doesn't dignify that with an answer. 'I want to talk to you, J. I know – I know a little bit now what Steve meant about living with all the Avengers, I think. It's tiresome to be around someone all the time, and I don't mean that I'm tired of Steve, but I'm just not used to having someone around all the time.'

'I think I understand.'

'I'll have to get used to that.'

'What do you mean, sir?'

'When I need their help, you know,' Tony continues, shaking his head at the thought crawling into his mind. 'There will be this moment, right? When I'll need someone's help all the time. Unless I'm lucky enough to die before that happens.'

'Do not say lucky and die in the same sentence, sir, please' JARVIS says in the quietest voice, making Tony feel damn sorry for doing that because all he ever does is hurt people, but then JARVIS adds, 'at least not yet.'

Tony exhales.

Everyone seems to be terrified of conversations about dying, he really shouldn't be surprised JARVIS is the one to actually offer understanding. Because there might be a moment when Tony will wish to die more than anything else, because of pain or exhaustion or something else, that's a normal feeling at some point, and JARVIS would let him go.

'J,' Tony says, his voice equally soft, 'don't tell anyone we talk about these things. And thank you.'

'As you wish,' JARVIS agrees gravely and Tony pretends that he isn't almost-crying, he buries his head in blanket-wrapped knees and focuses on breathing. JARVIS starts the playlist of favorites because he can read Tony's mind, and there is just calm silence between them for the next few hours of rest and work.

I have a feeling that Fury wants me to tell Coulson about you, Steve texts Tony in the evening. Tony frowns at that and then considers. It's scarily probable. And he wants me to tell him about you, too, Steve adds a moment later.

Don't, he writes back.

Never, Steve texts instantly.

It's a kind of a diplomatic mission, Tony knows, talking about world security with European authorities; Steve wasn't invited to come to meetings on all the other continents but apparently Captain America is still considered an important figure in European history so it's logical to ask him to come around.

And Fury would try to be sneaky. Yeah.

Good luck. Talk to J if you need someone sane around, Tony writes before slipping under the blanket. It's strangely early for him to go to sleep but he feels tired after the long day, and he can stare at the city outside through the big windows anyway, until he actually falls asleep.

The day might have passed quickly, but the night might not, he realizes, because he's apparently gotten used to a certain somebody by his side.

He has nightmares for the first time in weeks but it's not Steve's fault; he just hasn't realized the tricks his own brain is playing on him. The mission he's leaving for tomorrow is going to be, while not in Afghanistan, in a place similar enough. Desert and mountains and too many illegal arms, scorching sun and endless dunes.

'Stop thinking about that,' he mutters to himself, looking at the hour displayed simply on one of the walls. 1:41.

It doesn't feel like he's getting any quality sleep tonight, so he goes back to the spot in the workshop where he spent most of his day, a nest of blankets and pillows placed on a soft small mattress that wasn't there before, with the bots nearby and more than eager to pet his hair and make him smoothies and do everything he might tell them to. The time until sunrise stretches out endlessly but when the room finally fills with light, Tony drags himself up and starts work again, ignoring the heaviness in his limbs.

'You could cancel the mission, sir, or just let me do it,' JARVIS points out sometime before lunch, seeing how Tony is trying and failing to completely cut himself off from the persistent memories.

'It's mostly SI arms, J. I'm obliged to take care of that. And I want to – I want to take care of that. Because I can,' he adds after a shortest pause. 'I just can. And this is what adults call responsibility.'

'Not at such cost.'

'Exactly at such cost,' Tony argues despite knowing what JARVIS means and appreciating it a lot. 'It wouldn't mean anything if it weren't difficult.'

'Humans are so hard to understand sometimes,' JARVIS comments, keeping his voice light and in the mood of a humorous complaint, but he means it, especially with humans replaces by you.

Berlin is such a nice city, I didn't expect that, Steve texts Tony when he is suiting up for the mission the next morning just before sunrise; he has to fly across the ocean. It's late morning in Europe, Tony knows, and they are probably just getting brunch or something.

Much nicer than you must have seen it, Tony writes back, zipping up the undersuit.

'J, have a look at the whole system,' he orders JARVIS – everything is perfect but it never hurts to double-check – and then sips a thick shake with content, waiting for Steve's reply, which comes a moment later.

Everything looks better without bullet holes and soldiers with guns at every corner.

I wouldn't mind a certain soldier ;) Tony texts with a smirk, chewing on the straw and skimming over JARVIS' check data; everything is indeed perfect.

You are impossible.

I'm just improbable. And exceptional.

And modest, Steve texts back, and then but I need to go now. Godspeed, Tony.

I'll try not to acquire bullet holes, Tony replies and puts his mug into the workshop's sink. One last look around, even though he's sure everything is in order, and the he steps into Mark IX.

He does acquire bullet holes – or bullet dents, really – and seriously considers not telling Steve while still maneuvering between the mini rockets the terrorists are launching at him. It's a mess, the whole situation, there are so many civilians around that Tony has to be extra-careful which makes him an easier target. He knows he is going to win this one, if course he is, but it's taking more time and effort than it should. He wouldn't dare to risk anyone's life though.

'Tranq that fucking man before he launches that at something that isn't me,' he barks out and JARVIS obeys immediately, incapacitating the man and remotely disabling the weapon. It shouldn't be possible, they are protected against tampering like that, but they are SI-made and it's a piece of cake for Tony to deal with it.

The chief of the band is hiding somewhere, Tony knows, and he would very much like to meet the man in person, but so far he hasn't appeared on any face recognition scans, there it too much going on around, too many hiding spots, and Tony can't just concentrate on finding him. Disabling and destroying the weapons is a priority.

It takes a couple of hours to remove the arms away from the lively village they've been hidden in. Tony places them all in the desert, in the middle of a sand dune far from everything, and blows them up methodically while searching for more and doing his best at keeping the civilian safe.

He is almost done with the weapons when he finds the man he's been looking for –well, finds is not a good expression. JARVIS' program recognizes the man's face while he's looking out of a window, with two kids on his sides, a second before the hose blows up.

Tony doesn't feel the shouting people all around, JARVIS cuts off the audio, nor can he smell the smoke and stuffy scent of burning wood and flesh; he just stands there, staring.

The debris falls all around, people scrambling to avoid it; the few short seconds feel like ages.

'No survivors,' JARVIS says tonelessly. 'The last incomplete scan indicated seven people inside,' he adds, knowing that Tony appreciates the honesty.

He thinks the people might be cheering, despite the explosion, or maybe because of the explosion; they've been terrorized for so long and Iron Man has just cleaned up and made sure they are safe, the cost of that feeling is probably much lower than it would have been in any other intervention. To them.

JARVIS salutes and thanks them and then Tony takes over, still mostly numb, and makes his way to where the remaining weapons are and blows them up from afar, observing the ball of fire with satisfaction, hoping the blinding explosion can wipe out the kid's smiling face form his mind.

'I will inform HQ that you will be there soon.'

'Do that,' Tony mutters. It would be cowardice and sulking to run away from this mistake. Even if it was mostly unavoidable. He knows he did his best. That isn't enough.

'Are you sure you don't want to skip the debrief?'

'Yeah.'

'Well then,' JARVIS agrees and takes over the suit navigation.

Tony doesn't let JARVIS speak at the debrief. He makes sure everyone he tranquilized is taken care of and then it's done, he makes his way back across the ocean, the exhaustion catching up with him suddenly. He shouldn't be surprised, really. He dozes off in the suit, trusting J to get him home safely.

It's just after sunset when he lands in the New York apartment. Happy is sitting by his desk, making origami something resembling a stegosaurus.

'C'mere,' he mutters and stands up when the armor unwraps from around Tony's body, and then pulls Tony into a firm hug.

'J, you traitor,' Tony breathes without conviction, sinking into the embrace and closing his eyes.

'You were amazing,' Happy adds with fierce conviction that is almost enough to persuade Tony.

'Did J narrate the whole thing for you?'

'I refuse to comment, sir.'

'Traitors,' Tony mutters stubbornly into Happy's clothes.

'About that,' Happy clears his throat, 'he insisted he needed to talk to you.'

'He?' Tony questions, his eyes snapping open, and he looks around frantically.

'Good evening, my friend,' Thor says, Tony spots him a split of a second later; he's standing by the big window, looking out on a mist-covered nightscape. 'It is good to see you.'

'I'll leave you two,' Happy says and disappears a moment later. Tony sighs and sits down, letting himself sink into an armchair.

'You speak,' Thor observes simply, but doesn't sound surprised or betrayed or anything like that; he is just simply stating the truth. There is no point in denying, Tony decides. He's far too tired for any of this.

'You are in New York,' he says instead.

'I knew it was a somehow unfortunate mission for you, Iron Man. Natasha told me of it. And Steven isn't here to offer you comfort, so I flew to help you.'

'You flew here from Australia to… offer me comfort?' Tony repeats, bewildered. He still can't see Thor's face but his voice is perfectly serious. 'That's – you didn't have to. I don't need comfort and if I did, there is Happy and my friends and –'

'Sometimes it's best to be with someone who understands and can offer an outsider's perspective.'

Oh, Tony thinks.

'It must be difficult for everyone who is around you all the time. Not your fault, my friend, and I am sure you realize that, but you are wise enough to be aware of that.'

Thor is too damn observant for his own good.

'Your invisible friend informed me that you enjoy the peacefulness of your solitary fort,' Thor says, turning around finally, and gesturing at the pile of blankets in the corner of the room.

'Oh,' Tony verbalizes, looking between his nest and Thor. The god smiles and it, somehow, makes Tony feel a tad better. 'Okay.'

He makes his way to the fort, sitting down cross-legged, and Thor joins him quickly, setting Mjölnir down on the floor. Just a moment later Dummy rolls by reluctantly, as if he were distrustful of Thor for some reason – maybe it's the unscientific electricity-controlling artifact, Tony wonders – and presents a tray with two big mugs.

'You need sustenance, sir. The usual shake,' he says, his voice smug especially when he pronounces sustenance to Thor's delight.

They spend some time talking about everything and nothing; Thor doesn't mention Tony's apparently ability to speak again. They cover all subjects from Asgardian science and the portal deal to Thor's favorite food. Tony finds it relieving how easy it is to lose himself in the conversation and push the flashes of today away; he'll have enough of them later, anyway. Probably.

'I'm scared,' he finds himself saying sleepily at some point. He hasn't really slept in three nights and his body just isn't able to keep up with that, he might be sleeping into a sleep of pure exhaustion.

'I understand.'

'D'you ever get scared of dyin'?'

'Sometimes, my friend,' Thor says, wrapping his arm around Tony's shoulder slowly and sneakily over the next moments of pause, and Tony lets him. Thor's body is as warm as Steve's. 'Are you scared because it's unknown?'

'I don't even know anymore.'

'And you don't talk about it with anyone.'

'Haven't. Recently.'

'Hmm,' Thor mutters in his deep voice, bringing Tony closer to him. 'You'll be fine tonight. Do not worry. For one night.'

'There're trained people I could talk about it with,' Tony informs Thor without a good reason, it just feels like a point to make. He doesn't need to rely on Thor to have this deep talk.

Thor doesn't seem to care.

'Just relax,' he says. 'I came over here for you because I wanted, friend. Because you're worth it. And because I don't want you to be scared tonight.'

'You're too good,' Tony mutters. He knows he's just gonna fall asleep any moment now.

'Rest,' Thor whispers above his head, and he gives in.

He wakes up a few times at night, sweating, with a silent scream at the memories of faces he'd rather forget, but each time Thor helps him calm down his breathing and whispers into the darkness that it's fine to mourn all the dead, and Tony lets himself believe in that.

The last time he wakes up, it's just dawning and he is in his own bedroom, Thor nowhere to be seen, Happy solving Sudoku sitting on the floor in a puddle of sunlight, and he isn't sure the night was real or just a phantom of his exhausted mind.

Steve is back later in the afternoon. He enters the house when Tony is doing yet another test of the brainwave-reading device with Happy, both giggling with sleep deprivation. Steve kisses Tony, holds him tightly for a long moment, and then announces that he has a talk with Fury on their way back.

'What about?' Tony frowns, giving J a sign to save the data for today and analyze it.

'Us.'

'Us?'

'Captain America and Iron Man, that is. And Nate.'

'Sounds complicated.'

'You tell me,' Steve chuckles. 'Anyway, I told him we're taking some time off. Me and you. No missions unless it's literally world-saving, other than that he's on his own with the rest of the team.'

'That's – isn't that irresponsible? We're superheroes, we can't –'

'But we can. And we will,' Steve cuts in. 'You need rest. I want rest. We've been on their call for months and months. We're superheroes, sure, but we're people, too.'

'Fury would disagree.'

'You have no idea,' Steve sighs; Tony is pretty sure he can imagine.

'So what we're gonna do?'

'Everything. Nothing. Whatever. It doesn't matter.'

Then it all clicks and Tony smiles widely and laughs at Steve's wondering face.

'You liked Berlin. You haven't been anywhere unless on a mission. We're going for a round-the-world trip. You can't say no and if you do, I'll tell you it's one of those wishes you wanted me to make, a world trip, and you will have to oblige, and you won't like me mentioning dying and stuff so you better agree straight away,' he frowns, considering, and then adds, 'especially since you came up with the holiday-ish idea.'

'All right,' Steve agrees fondly, 'let's go around the world, when do you –'

'I'm organizing a flight to Narita International, Tokyo,' JARVIS announces simply. Tony can't help laughing; it's so easy to know when your A.I. approves. 'For tomorrow morning, 600 hrs. We can make further arrangements later.'

'Organizing?' Steve mouths.

'The newest generation of Stark Jets flies almost twice as fast as commercial flights.'

'Thanks, J, baby,' Tony says, and then, 'call Doc about everything I will and might need.'

'World trip,' Happy quips in from across the room, the wired band now gone from his head. 'That's a cliché, boss. Such a cliché.'

'I am allowed to be cliché, aren't I?' Tony questions no one in particular, but everyone seems to agree. 'C'mon then, Steve. We need to pack,' he says and Steve follows him into the bedroom.

A/N: I hope you liked Tony being a bamf. I certainly did! Hah. Let me know what you think, pretty please, I did my best to make this chapter extra long for you all! Thank you for reading! :)