Chapter XIX

Dear Diary,

I know that I haven't written in here for a long time, ever since a week after I called off my own wedding, but now I am more myself than I was at that time and so I suppose that I can write in here, to tell you all about my feelings and my family's reaction to my called off wedding.

Two hours after I called Robert to tell him that I can't marry him and then sent him back my engagement ring, Father came back home and all three of us, Mother, Father and I talked together about what happened between me and Carl and then about the call to Robert I did and they were both so understanding even though half way through my speech I was sobbing like a baby.

It is true, Mother's and Father's story is similar to mine, Mother also had to refuse Royal Gardner and so she knows how I feel but I'm not entirely sure if she does because I was almost getting married! I was just a week to this day of days!

Father just squeezed my hand, wiped away my tears and smiled at me in his own way which will always make me to smile back at him. Eventually after an hour of talking, I got a bit better but then Susan came back home and when she heard the news, she was angry that all of her cooking was going to waste but then she too was sympathetic and kissed my cheek and offered me a hot tea.

All of my siblings were understanding although they all, maybe except for Una, were surprised that I was not going to marry Robert after all. Rilla and Faith both hugged me and made me a lot of cookies to cheer me up, Nan burst into tears and said "Oh, Di, I'm so sorry that I was such a beats about this wedding dress!" and we both cried together, and again we felt like little seven year old twin-girls again. Una however, she, like I said before, wasn't surprised at all. She was extremely sympathetic of course and we spent hours talking about this whole situation, but when I asked her why isn't she surprised that I called off the wedding she just said "I had this feeling in my chest which was telling me that Robert Keats isn't the right match for you, darling." and maybe she's right. After all, I did refuse Robert, and my motto was always that "everything happens for a reason".

Anyway, I got a bit better after a week, but I still can't be perfectly happy as I once was, for two main reasons. One is that Robert will never speak to me again, I know it because he told me so when I called him on that warm day in July. I will forever grieve his absence in my life and I will never forgive myself for letting him fall for me so badly because this destoryed our long-lasting friendship.

The second thing which keeps me away from being as happy as I once was is Carl. We haven't spoken since the day when he told me he loved me and it's been almost a month since. I lost my two bosom friends on that warm and sunny day which in my memory will always be gloomy and dark and rainy.

I think that Carl is just as broken-hearted as Robert is, and I know that I am still quite unforgiving towards him, I feel as if the anger runs through my blood when I think about him. But then I hate myself for thinking like that as I know that he is after all broken-hearted (Una told me so the other day when I asked her to be honest with me about how is Carl really doing). I love Carl desperately, but not like that, and I long for his friendship, his funny way of looking at things, and how he can always make me laugh.

But there's a weird situation going on concerning Carl which I can't understand. You see, Carl is getting married in a week's time. He did tell me that he loves me and he did tell me that he will never love Rosalind… as much as he loves me (it's always hard for me to even write those words down without tears filling my eyes). I know that he is very sad over what happened between us, but he might also be angry at me, just as I am with him. I don't know why he didn't break off the engagement when he told me the truth about his feelings, I simply have no idea, and I worry about him, and his happiness.

But his wedding with Rosalind is to take place next week, so I think that I will just have to show up and maybe then try to speak to him without feeling nervous or embarrassed because I miss him, I miss him very very much.

I try to stop thinking about Robert and slowly, very slowly, it becomes possible but how can I stop thinking about Carl when he is still so near me and… especially when he wants to be my friend again? I hope that he does at least.

I shall go now, I think it's time for me to go and finish reading this last chapter of "Sense and Sensibilty" before it will get too dark for me to read at all.

Yours,

Di Blythe

It was the day of Carl's and Rosalind's wedding. The middle of August, the weather was the most perfect weather for a wedding, with the soft summer breeze, sky's bluest colours above everyone's heads and no clouds spread upon this bluest of all colours.

Everyone was ready and Anne and Gilbert were standing in the hallway, Anne looking beautiful in her flowing blue dress and a small hat on her red hair. Gilbert was very handsome himself in his best suit and his twinkling eyes were reserved only for his wife standing next to him. Di was helping Susan to pack all of the cakes, salads and other dishes Susan prepared a week earlier for this special occassion. Di was not in a good mood, she was rather melancholy and she was rather nervous about seeing Carl, in such circumstances.

She didn't know how she could speak to him, or what she should actually say but she didn't have time to think it all through as Susan was telling her exactly what she needed to be doing. "Di, dear, we have to pack this chicken salad now, but oh, would you be such a darling and put it in Doctor's car instead? Thank you, dear." and so it went for another half an hour.

"Everything's packed, Susan." Gilbert said as he returned back from the car with Di at his side, and a smile crossing his face "I think that we ought to be going or otherwise we will be late." he said knowingly glancing at his wife and a daughter while Susan was putting on a hat in hurry.

Anne nodded in agreement and so did Di "You will be fine, darling?" Gilbert asked Di at the side and Di kissed her Father gently on the cheek, a soft grin appearing on her lips.

"I have to be, Daddy." she whispered back to him and Anne took her hand in hers. As soon as they all reached the door, a door opened up before them, and Jerry stood in front of them with little Rose in his arms.

"Jerry! What happened?" Anne asked him worriedly as they could all see how pale Jerry's face was, not mentioning that the fact that Jerry appeared on Ingleside's doorstep a few minutes before his brother's wedding was worrying itself.

Jerry looked meaningfully at Di and her eyes opened wider with fear "Rosalind left Carl a note that she can't marry him," he said eventually "-and that's because she loves someone else."

Anne and Susan gasped with shock, Gilbert looked at Jerry with confused expression on his face and Di's eyes filled up with determination and certainty over what she was supposed to do "I have to go to him." she declared.

Jerry smiled at her as it was as if she could read his mind and he squeezed her hand "He needs you, Di." he whispered to her ear and Di took off her hat and let Jerry to drive her to the manse along with Anne, Gilbert and Susan. Their journey was quiet as nobody knew what to say or how to feel. Only Di was quite calm and knew exactly what to think and what to do. When they all reached the manse, Di jumped out of the car and made her way inside.

"Oh, darling you're here." Rosemary said with a broken smile on her face.

Di kissed her cheek and grinned lightly "Where's Carl?" she asked immediately.

"In the garden." Rosemary replied and smiled thankfully at Di who without looking at anyone else in the room, made her way outside.

Carl was sitting on the bench, facing the patch with roses and he was dressed in his gray suit, his hat was resting beside him and his eyes were fixed on the view in front of him. Di approached him slowly, and when she finally sat down beside him on the bench, Carl realised that she was next to him and looked at her with teary eyes.

"You came." he whispered, his voice almost surprised but glad nonetheless.

"Yes." she replied, looking at him with her own eyes wet. Carl smiled at her weakly and looked away, again at the view in front of him. Di sighed sadly and held back her tears. Suddenly she felt Carl's hand touching hers and she squeezed it tightly.

"I didn't love her as much as I love you, but it really… hurts." he breathed out and bit his lip.

Di looked at him and warm tears started to flow down her cheeks "I know Carl, I know." she whispered and Carl finally looked back at her, his face quite pale and his eyes blank, as if he forced himself not to show Di how he felt although she knew it perfectly well.

"I kept my promise to her." he explained as calmly as he could, although his voice was shaking "That's why I didn't call off the wedding, I wanted to behave like a gentleman is supposed to behave. But she just…" his eyes got teary again "-I didn't even know."

"I wish I could do something…" Di started but Carl interrupted her.

"I still love you, Di." he said passionately and he squeezed her hand harder "There's no reason why I should hide it now. If only you could…"

"Carl, stop." Di said quickly and then sighed heavily "I know that it's hard for you, it's hard for me too. But I promise you that I will think about it, I will think whether or not it's possible for me to love you back in the same way as you love me." she said and tried her best to smile at him but her attempt failed.

Carl also tried his best to smile back but it didn't work out either, he still looked miserable and his smile was a definition of this very word. Di eventually moved nearer him and put her arms around him. And the two friends stayed like that together, even though they knew that their friendship would never be the same again.

Dear Diary,

The decision has been made and I am not going back to teaching at Glen's school this year. I am simply not in the mood, and not in the right state of mind to prepare lessons, prepare those mini-tests of mine and then do all the marking. I am simply tired.

However I will be giving private Maths and English lessons, and I already have five students signed up. But other than that, I will just try to relax at home, and do things I didn't have time to do this year, like writing short stories, or going for a trip with Mother to Charlottetown once in a while.

Carl and I meet very occassionally, it's not as bad as it was before his "wedding", but it's also not as frequent it was before my "wedding". My heart stopped bleeding but it needs time to recover. And because I promised Carl to think whether or not I'll be ever able to love him back, my time is most literally full, even if I just take a lonely walk down the Rainbow Valley.

Carl is much better than he was on his wedding day, he wasn't really in love with Rosalind and that's probably why he isn't in such a big state of sadness in which he would be if he was in love with her. But I can't meet up with him as often because everytime we do meet up, I can just see in his eyes this question which I myself repeat in my head several times a day. I don't know if I will ever have an answer to this question, but I try my best to think of the answer.

I also didn't tell anyone, except for my parents, about this promise I made to Carl or about what happened between the two of us earlier. I can't tell anyone else because whoever I would tell (except for my parents of course) my whole family would know about it, and that's definitely something I don't want to happen.

I'm really glad that I don't have to teach at school this year, I am really relieved. My heart is recovering not only from Carl, but also from Robert because there isn't a day when I don't think about him. But whenever I do, I feel that I made the right decision, he wasn't the right man for me. It's hard to explain why I feel that it was the right decision but I can just feel it, and that's the only thing I need to know to be sure that I don't have to regret this decision after all.

I don't think my life has ever been as messed up as it is right now. I can't help but wonder when and how all of the broken pieces will fall back into their right place once more?

Yours,

Di Blythe