Chapter XXI
Dear Diary,
Christmas came and then it went out through our doors with an incredible speed, not mentioning that I'm still amazed by the date I'm writing at the tope of this page: 5th January 1926 but I actually don't mind time flying so fast nowadays and I'll explain why.
So Carl and I started courting officially on that one day in November, so almost two months ago and I must say that those were the longest two months of my life. I love Carl and I did tell him that I could love him in that way but to be honest I still don't know as my head is just spinning and with each day I am getting more and more confused and embarrassed as opposed to what I should have becoming, more and more certain about whether or not I love Carl, in that way.
I'm not entirely myself when I'm with Carl. I mean when we talk and when we laugh everything is as it was before, but when Carl kisses me (which he does quite often) or when we hold hands, I am not myself at all, I feel like I'm a different, shy and not very confident Diana, and not even Di.
It's not that I hate when Carl for example kisses me, it's just that I don't feel like it's entirely right. Mother told me that I should give this relationship a chance and I heard her whispering to Dad one night that she thinks that "there is something in the air, even if Di doesn't know it yet" and I highly hope so or otherwise I will have to break Carl's heart, again and this time it could be fatal.
But I don't want to sound too horrible although I probably do, unfortunately. But I don't feel very happy lately, I can't really recall when was the last day when I felt perfectly happy, it wasn't so very long ago I'm quite sure, or maybe it was? I seem to lose the track of time all the time.
Christmas was delightful, despite Carl kissing me under the mistletoe and holding my hand while sitting next to me at the Christmas table. We all gave each other wonderful presents and there was music and we all sang (Carl made a hilarious performance, he really can't sing!) together and then we danced and while Carl and I danced I accidentally poked the vase standing nearby and of course broke it as it fell to the floor. I was horrified because the vase has been standing on this table in our living room ever since I can remember but then Mother and Father burst out laughing and Susan started giggling like a girl herself and after a few seconds, the whole room was a room full of laughter.
Then it was the New Year's Eve and we all got a wonderful surprise, Persis and her husband along with their daughter Nellie came for a visit! We were all so delighted to see them all again and to meet Nellie of course. She is such a beautiful baby and she's just as smiley and as funny as her mother is although she does have her father's eyes. But Auntie Leslie is delighted with her and so is Uncle Owen.
So we all even with our own Persis, Louis and Nellie, spent the last eve of the year 1925 together and it was a really fantastic party. I was glad, oh so glad that that year was going to an end! It was such a long, horrible and heartbreaking year. This whole situation with Robert… Then with Carl… Oh, I just hope that the year of 1926 will be much, much, much better than the last one.
Of course there were wonderful moments, magical moments like when I delivered Rilla's baby boy, dear Owen, and how all of my students passed again… It's really hard to understand why we mostly remember all the things which are the most painful to remember instead of those which fill our hearts with warmth and love?
All in all, it is a whole new year now and all I can hope for is for it to be the best year of my whole life, although, I highly doubt it will happen.
Yours,
Di Blythe
"Oh, I'm so terribly sad that Persis is already back in France." Nan said wistfully while sipping her tea in the living room of Una's and Shirley's house "It feels as if she never actually came."
"Yes, I wish she could stay here a bit longer." Una agreed while she was hopping Cilia on her right knee "Persis always brings all the sunshine with her, even if she doesn't want to bring it, she always does anyway." she grinned at Di who held small Luna in her arms with an angelic expression on her face.
"Well, she couldn't stay here forever when her whole life is in France." Di said and kissed Luna on both cheeks, making the chubby, sweet baby to dimple "But I wish she wasn't all the way across the ocean, in Europe."
"I hope that one day we will all be able to visit Europe one day." Nan said excitedly "All of us, with our children and us drinking tea with the King at the Buckingham Palace!"
Una and Di shared a knowing glance and the three of them laughed together "Oh, Nan, if you could only get us an invitation with your charms!" Di said merrily, some of the old spark coming back to her eyes.
"Oh, I will." Nan nodded swiftly "Just wait and see girls." she stage-whispered and they all chuckled again.
"Di, do you think that you will want to go back to teaching at school this year?" Una asked her friend suddenly.
"I'm not sure yet." Di replied in a matter of fact tone "One part of me wants to but the other one tells me a definite "no"."
"You still teach anyway." Nan added "And now you are so busy because you started those painting classes! You are even busier than you were before!"
Di's cheeks flushed with red as she knew that the main reason why she took those painting and sketching classes was to spend a bit less time with Carl, and instead engage her mind with something else. Una noticed this blush and she immediately knew that her earlier supposing was right and when Nan looked at Di's flushed face, she knew it too, oh she knew what was troubling Di immediately and so she put down Rose on the couch next to Cilia and she put her hands on Di's "Di, what is going on with you and Carl?" she asked eventually.
Di sighed. She knew that her twin and her sister-in-law knew her too well not to notice a change in her behaviour but, dear Lord, she tried so hard to hide it! "I don't know Nan." she whispered dully.
"That's exactly what you said to me all those two months ago when you were wondering whether or not you love Carl." Nan pointed out.
She wasn't scared of saying this last statement in front of Una because just after Di and Carl started "courting" each other, Di told Una everything about her feelings because she thought it wouldn't be fair if Una didn't know about it while Di was being kissed by her younger brother everyday.
Di chuckled bitterly "I know." she said and then looked at both of her friends "But that's exactly how I've been feeling lately. Confused and… undecided." she sighed softly and her eyes filled with warm tears.
Nan and Una took both of Di's sides and hugged her "So you're not in love with Carl then?" Nan asked her again once they all sat on the couch together.
Di wiped away her tears and shook her head "No, I don't think so, and I feel so bad and so guilty about it all!" she exclaimed.
Una, who had been sitting quietly, suddenly put her hand on Di's shouder "Dear friend, don't feel guilty, or bad. It's not your fault at all, it's nobody's fault to be honest. Those things just happen for no reason." she said kindly, the warmness in her eyes making Di feel a bit better.
"I know, but I don't want to break Carl's heart by saying that I don't love him after all." she said miserably.
"Nobody wants that, Di." Nan said warmly "You don't want to say that either. But you can't allow him to kiss you or call you his 'sweetheart' if inside, you feel very uncomfortable with that."
Di looked up at her twin with disbelief "I woulnd't think that you would agree with me so easily." she admitted and Nan chuckled.
"I know, I can't quite believe in what I'm saying right now." she agreed with her "But if it makes you so unhappy and so stressed all the time, then that's what you have to do. You have to tell Carl."
"Maybe give it some more time though." Una added quickly "Prepare what you're going to say. You know that Carl might play a soldier but he might also start crying." her eyes turned a bit gloomy "You have to be prepared for everything Di." she said softly.
Di nodded slowly "You're right." she said "You're both right." and she put her arms around Nan and Una. Oh, how much she wished she wasn't born a Diana Blythe!
"Isn't it a bit too cold for a walk, Di?" Carl asked his 'sweetheart' while they both started their arm-in-arm walk across the Rainbow Valley, while the whole world around them was covered in snow and eternal beauty was enveloping them both.
Di's cheeks were red from the cold air but she smiled at him nonetheless "If we would always have an excuse not to take a walk, whether it's weather or something completely different, we would never go outside, Carl." she said and Carl smiled back at her, his own cheeks flushing crimson.
But Di wouldn't take a walk that day, not if she didn't decide that she would tell Carl that she doesn't love him "in that way" on that particular day. She made up her mind three days earlier, she talked it all over with her Mother, with her Father and with both Nan and Una and she knew exactly what she wanted to tell him, and she thought that she was prepared for Carl's reaction. She was wrong, but she didn't know it yet.
"You are very right." Carl agreed with her "Besides, if we didn't take a walk today we wouldn't be able to see Rainbow Valley so silent." he said "In the summer you can always hear the kids running around which is wonderful but it is also just as wonderful to walk here, listeneing to the peacful silence like this one." his eyes were dreamy and for a second Di's heart fluttered and she looked away.
"That's true." she murmured blankly "Listen, Carl…" she began and Carl's eyes found hers.
She stopped because she wanted to remember Carl's eyes being so full of life, and full of… happiness, before she would tell… him… that… For a second she thought that she couldn't do it, not to him, not to herself, she couldn't! But she had to. "Di, are you feeling alright? You look quite weak." Carl said to her worriedly, his arms placed on her shoulders.
Di shook her head "No, I'm not alright Carl." she murmured "I… have to tell you something which isn't an easy thing to say at all." she blinked several times.
Carl seemed to look confused for a second but then something in his head clicked and he knew what Di meant and what she was about to say. His eyes got blurry, his smile diappeared and his red cheeks turned suddenly pink "You don't love me." he said for her, his voice hardly a whisper "That's what you wanted to tell me, isn't it?".
Di was surprised that he knew almost right away what she wanted to say to him but she was relieved that she didn't have to say those few painful words herself. Her eyes got teary and she reached for Carl's hands and squeezed them hard "I am so sorry, Carl." she whispered, her voice trembling "You can't imagine how I'm feelling right now."
Carl chuckled bitterly "I think I can imagine." he said "Di, is that how you've felt all along?" he asked her sheepishly.
"I wish I could say that it wasn't." she whispered back, her cheeks blushing.
Carl sighed sadly "I should have known." he said to more himself than to Di "I could see in your eyes that something was wrong but my stupid heart was always playing tricks on me and I was thinking to myself that I'm just imagining things." he looked at Di again and kissed her hands "I wish you told me earlier Di. But then… Maybe I wish you didn't tell me at all." his eyes were somewhere far away.
Di gulped and for a second she thought that Carl shouldn't have said that last sentence and that he knew that he would hurt her by saying a thing like that but then she turned very understanding towards him and felt even more guilty over the whole situation she caused "Please, Carl, can we still be friends, even though… this happened?" she asked him, almost begged him.
Carl looked at her for a second without saying a word or moving an inch and for a moment, which was a pure torture to Di, she thought he would refuse her but then he grinned at her, a broken grin which hurt her more even if he didn't grin at her at all "Of course we can." he replied softly "I wouldn't have enough heart or soul left if we would drift apart like we once did."
And so Carl and Di continued their walk but it didn't last very long because they were both tired, or so they said to each other when Carl walked Di back to Ingleside and turned the other way to go back to his own home. In fact they weren't tired at all, they were just in real need of crying into their own pillows for the rest of the afternoon.