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'How can you not believe in God on a beautiful day like this Jac?' Mo asked as they sat on a bench in the crisp late autumn sunshine watching Jonny and Jasmine attempting to fly a kite with Ava.

'Easily' Jac replied. 'I just enjoy the day.'

Jasmine had been living with Jac and Jonny for a few weeks and as the summer melted into autumn they found themselves muddling along nicely and enjoying each other's company.

The two women cheered as the kite managed lift of the ground at last. After a few more minutes Jasmine joined them on the bench exhausted from playing with Ava. The three women groaned as the kite fell to the floor once more. 'I'll go and help Jonny this time' Mo said jumping up and leaving the two sisters alone together on the bench. Jasmine snuggled up against her sister and they sat in a companionable silence as they watched the two friends trying to launch the kite back into the air for Ava.

'I'd love to see you and Jonny get married.' Jasmine stated breaking the silence.

'I know you would' Jac answered her. They'd had this conversation last night, lying together on Jasmines bed. Jac could tell Jasmine wasn't satisfied with her statement that she and Jonny were fine as they were, for the moment at least.

'What's it like to be in love?' Jasmine suddenly asked. 'I mean not like the maternal love you have for a child' she quickly added as Jac gave her a strange look. 'I mean what's it like to choose to fall in love with someone?'

'You must have been in love yourself Jasmine' Jac hoped she wouldn't actually have to try to describe the feeling of love to her sister. 'What about Ava's father?' Jac had been unsuccessful in getting Jasmine to discuss this person despite many attempts.

'I don't think that was love.' Jasmine answered 'I think that was more infatuation and he knew it.' She gave her sister a steely glare 'and I'm still not ready to discuss that yet.'

'Ok' Jac held her hands up in mock surrender.

'So what is love like?' Jasmine asked again.

Jac sighed knowing that Jasmine was unlikely to give up on this conversation. 'Well for a start you don't actually 'choose' to fall in love with a person. It just kind of happens and it can feel different depending on the person and the circumstances.'

'Have you been in love before Jonny then?'

'Yes there was someone else before Jonny.' Jac sighed again 'you've been talking to Michael and Sacha haven't you?'

'No.' Jasmine lied unconvincingly.

'There was a man called Joseph Burn. We were registrars together.' Jac paused as she reflected on her relationship with Joseph. 'We were kind of playing at being a couple at first and then it grew into a sort of competitive love. Who could beat the other career wise and a game of one-up-man-ship in hurting each other'.

'That sounds destructive.' Jasmine said watching as Jonny and Mo got the kite airborne once more and helped Ava to fly it.

'It was. Until we grew up and realised there was a tender love there along.' Jac sighed 'Unfortunately by that point a lot had happened and other things in our lives had changed. He'd fathered a child with another a woman and she left the child with him. He decided to leave to give the little boy a more settled life with him working as a GP'.

'Couldn't you have gone with him?' Jasmine asked leaning her head on her sisters shoulder

'I asked him to stay and he asked me to go with him. The fact was we both needed different things and had different priorities at that point in our lives. One of us would have compromised and that wouldn't have made either of us happy.'

'So you let him go?'

'I let him go' Jac confirmed 'but those last few months we had together; that was an all-consuming sort of love.'

'Do you still love him now? If he came back do you think you'd get those feelings back?'

'I think you'll always feel something for those you have loved in the past but it wouldn't be the same as 'being in love' with them. So no I don't think those intense feelings would come back.'

'So what about Jonny?' Jasmine asked.

'I never actually meant to fall in love with Jonny' Jac laughed 'I didn't think it was possible because we are so different.'

'I knew you met Jonny as a one night stand'. Jasmine nudged her sisters arm. 'So what happened?'

'Well we did meet at a conference and yes it was meant to be a one-time thing.' Jac rolled her eyes at her sister. 'But then he turned up at Holby and one thing led to another. It was more based on passion really and neither of us was willing to admit it was anything more than just a casual arrangement.'

'So when did you realise it was more than that?'

'A few months in. We had spent a whole secret weekend together at a hotel and that's when I realised you don't go to all that effort for a casual fling. I also realised he gave me that butterfly's in the stomach feeling and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I kept thinking up excuses I could use just to see him 'Jac watched her fiancé as he fooled around chasing Ava. 'Not that I told him that of course. Instead I messed things up, I pushed him away and I had a one night stand with a colleague from paed's.' Jac looked down at the ground 'I'm not proud of it but I couldn't bare the idea of being hurt again so I struck first. I realised afterwards that I did want Jonny and he was worth the risk so I told him what I'd done'.

'He obviously forgave you though?' Jasmine took Jacs gloved hand in her own and squeezed it.

'Well I went away to Japan for training feeling retched for what I'd done and lost. When I returned I decided to tell him I loved him because at that point I had nothing to lose.'

'He took you back?'

'Yes he did and we were happy for a while. But then I found out I had endometriosis and stupidly decided not to tell Jonny because I thought he'd push me away. I knew he wanted family I might not have been able to give him that. So we had a massive argument over nothing because neither of us knew what the other was thinking.'

'Huh. You were fairly on again off again weren't you?'

'You sound disappointed.' Jac looked at her sister.

'I'd just assumed you and Jonny were like a love affair you see in the movies'.

'What boy meets girl, they go through adversity and then all is happy ever after?' Jac laughed as Jasmine nodded. 'Well I hate to disappoint you but real life just isn't like that.'

'So how did you and Jonny get to where you are now?'

'Well we reconciled for one night and amazingly and unexpectedly I fell pregnant with Amelia.'

'And the rest as they say is history?' Jasmine asked hopefully.

'Almost' Jac laughed 'we had a few more miscommunication problems and then we realised that was what our problem was. We loved each other, were passionate for each other, but we needed to understand each other.'

'So what did you do?'

'We made a pact to talk to each other and to be honest with each other, to tell each other everything so we wouldn't keep making the same mistake'. Jac smiled at Jasmine 'Jonny and I have to work at our relationship but it's worth it because we can't bear life without each other.'

'I just can't imagine what that's like.' Jasmine said sadly 'to feel that way about a man, that need to be with them for no reason at all, and to know they feel that way about you too. I guess I'll never get to experience that now.'

'I guess not' Jac squeezed her sisters hand knowing nothing more could be said.