Caroline woke to her mobile bleeping indicating a text message. It was Kate replying to Caroline's text from last night. Caroline read the text and bolted out of bed and looked at her bedside clock to check the time. She immediately rang Kate to find out what was happening. "Kate? How are you? How's Helena?"
Kate couldn't answer through her tears. Caroline started crying listening to Kate's tears. "It's Helena. Caroline I can't …. I can't lose her. Oh god …."
Caroline's nervous system kicked in, her heart beat faster and her senses became instantly alert. "Kate. I….I'm ….I'm coming to the hospital now. I love you."
Caroline got dressed quickly and went round to her mother's and knocked on the door hoping to wake her. Celia eventually came through to the back door to see Caroline's tear streaked face. "Caroline. What's the matter love?"
"Oh mum. It's Helena. She developed breathing problems in the night. They've rushed her into intensive care. I need to go to the hospital. Can you look after Lawrence for me please?"
Celia took Caroline into a hug and nodded. "Go on love. You go. I'll see to things here. Let me know how she is when you can. Drive carefully love."
Caroline drove to the hospital in a trance. Her thoughts were racing again. Just when she thought things were working out and she was finally a mother. Her thoughts turned to the 'what ifs' and she shook herself to stop her mind drifting to the bad things. Caroline looked at herself in the rear-view mirror and she looked like she felt. Her face drawn and her complexion pale and grey. She felt grubby but didn't want to waste time. Caroline thought about time and what it meant to her now. Time was precious, especially with Kate, with Lawrence who was growing up fast. Time with Helena would be very precious given all that Kate had gone through to have her.
Caroline arrived at the hospital and walked down the corridor to the maternity ward hoping with all her might that it wasn't nurse Bottomly on duty. She wasn't in the mood for any kind of trouble with her. Caroline saw a new nurse at the desk, one she didn't know. "Hello. I'm here to see Kate McKenzie and Helena? I'm Caroline, Kate's partner."
The nurse smiled at Caroline and told Caroline Kate was in the neonatal intensive care unit with Helena. Caroline listened whilst the nurse gave directions to the unit but she couldn't help the tears that flowed. "I'm sorry. I….."
The nurse got up and took her arm. "Come on follow me. I'll take you there. Try not to worry. She's in the right place and having the best of care."
Caroline smiled and they walked through a number of corridors before she saw Kate by an incubator with wires leading all over. The cartoon decorated walls didn't make the situation any less worrying. Caroline's heart was in her throat at the sight of her lover and their new daughter so fragile. "Kate!"
Kate turned and saw Caroline and held her arms out as Caroline rushed to her. They both hugged one another and cried tears. Tears of pain of what they were facing. Tears of relief that they were together to face the challenges ahead and tears for a shared understanding at where they were and their fragile Helena holding on to life. "Caroline. She's so tiny and I can't help her. I feel so useless."
Caroline held Kate close to her resting her chin on Kate's head. She pulled away and stroked Kate's cheek and kissed her forehead. She smiled for Kate's benefit but felt pain inside. "If she's anything like her mother, she's a fighter and she's in the right place with the right people. What have they said?"
Kate looked from Helena to Caroline. "They think she has some form of infection. But they're not sure at the moment. They're running all sorts of tests to see. The Doctor has said he will see us both in about an hour when he should have some more results through."
Kate began to cry again, leaning heavily on Caroline's shoulder and wiping her tears with a tissue too full of her heartache already to take anymore. Caroline stroked Kate's head and brought a clean tissue from her pocket. Kate took it and smiled at Caroline. "I'm so glad you're here. I don't know what I would have done without you."
Caroline smiled trying to hold on to her own thoughts and feelings and 'what ifs'. "Kate I would have been here with you both whatever."
Just then the nurse who had shown Caroline to the intensive care unit brought her another chair. "Here. Sit down and I'll see if I can find someone to give you both an update."
Caroline pulled the seat next to Kate's and held on to Kate's hand as they both moved to sit down next to the incubator. Kate let the seat take her weight and held her head in her hands seeking some strength at the sight before her. "Why didn't I know that something was wrong with her Caroline? I should have known as her mother."
Caroline leaned over Kate and hugged her again. "Sshh. Kate stop blaming yourself. You weren't to know. These things happen."
"But I'm her mother. I was there with her, feeding her only an hour before. She was fine. I was tired and I went straight to sleep. I should have …"
Caroline stopped her mid flow. "No. Kate don't do that please? I know it's easy for me to say but blaming yourself isn't going to help her now. She needs you to love her and be there."
"Oh god. Caroline. I give that to her and more." Kate laid her head on Caroline's lap. She felt exhausted having woken in the night to Helena crying. When she picked her up she couldn't calm her and got upset crying herself. Noticing Kate's distress the young nurse had come to Kate to help her. As soon as she felt Helena she dashed to phone the Doctor. She was very calm when she told Kate not to panic but she needed the doctor to take a look at Helena. Kate was surprised by the quick attendance of the Doctor and after that everything blurred and merged into one. She was suddenly surrounded by lots of people and voices of concern.
Kate explained the events to Caroline trying to analyse her actions, hoping in some way to find where it had gone wrong. She couldn't help thinking it was something she had done which had caused Helena to become ill.
Both women were brought into the present by a male voice, "Hello. I'm Doctor Caraghan. Are you Helena's parents?"
Both women nodded at the same time. The doctor smiled and apologised. "I know this may be difficult for you but I have to ask. Is the father around?"
"No he isn't. He doesn't want to be involved." Kate answered immediately without hesitation. "Why? What's wrong doctor?"
"Please sit down." The doctor pulled up another chair. "Helena has Group B Streptococcal Disease or GBS. It's not uncommon for newborns to develop infections in their first couple of weeks. Helena's immune system isn't developed yet. She could have picked it up during her birth or after. We will never know."
Kate looked stunned. "So what does that mean now?"