She was running, trying to flee… something. She wasn't sure what was chasing her, but she was definitely being pursued. Her lungs ached as she ran, her legs heavy from the exertion. There was a sharp pain in her stomach, as though she'd been lanced through by an enemy spear. She held tight to it and kept on running.
Or – no, she wasn't fleeing. She was searching for someone. Was it Peeta? Prim? She could hear them both calling her name. A cry echoed in the distance. Somebody needed her desperately, she just couldn't remember who.
The forest was alive around her; the trees rippled and shimmered as she flew by. She stopped to wonder at its beauty – everything was so pretty and shiny - until she suddenly realized she was in danger. Everything around her was on fire. The heat from the flames enveloped her entire body.
But she was tired; so, so tired. Maybe she should sit down and rest. Just for a minute.
Her head hit a soft pillow of leaves. A bird flew overhead, singing in a soft voice. No, not singing – speaking? The notes were soothing and familiar.
"She's still asleep, but the doctors said everything went fine." The hushed tones of her sister's voice floated through the haze. "Peeta's with the baby now."
The baby?… Oh.
Swimming against the weight of the drugs to open her eyes, Katniss found Prim sitting in a chair at her bedside.
"Mom, she's waking up. I'll call you later." Prim ended the call and leaned in to grab her sister's hand. "Katniss! How are you feeling?"
Katniss looked around the room, trying to get her bearings. "I'm okay," she whispered hoarsely. Her throat was raw and sore, and she struggled to swallow past the lump that was forming as the memories of the afternoon's events came flooding back.
"Where's Peeta? The baby… is everything okay?"
Prim grabbed a damp washcloth and dabbed at her dry lips. "She was a little small, and her temp is a bit unstable, but it's understandable since she's a month early. They took her to the NICU, but it was mainly a precaution. Peeta went with her."
She.
Her.
Katniss closed her eyes, a mix of relief and confusion flooding her veins. "So… it really is a girl?"
"Of course it's really a girl!" Prim chuckled. "What did you expect after those ultrasounds? Did you think something would suddenly change?"
Katniss shook her head. "No. I just … This is all a little hard to absorb, you know?" She looked down at her torso, covered in blankets, and still somewhat swollen. Only a few hours ago, there was a baby in there, and now –
"Is it - is she - really okay?"
"Really. I wouldn't lie to you." Prim gripped her hand tighter and gave her a comforting smile. "I got a quick glance at her as they wheeled her away, and I think I caught a glimpse of dark hair."
Katniss smiled thoughtfully. The idea of the baby – her… daughter? – having tangible features like dark hair was still too hard for her to imagine. She tried, but couldn't picture anything but the grainy ultrasound photos Peeta had pinned all over the refrigerator.
"I thought I heard a new voice. " A nurse came around the corner and leaned on the foot of the bed. "I'm Amy, the recovery nurse. How are you feeling?"
"Okay." Katniss tried to shift in the bed and felt the ache in her abdomen for the first time. "My stomach hurts. And my throat's kind of sore."
"That's all totally normal." Amy checked the settings on some of the monitors and pushed a few buttons before looking back at Katniss. "I've just given you some more pain medicine through your IV, but we don't want you too comfortable. The goal is to get you up to your room and moving as soon as possible to avoid any complications from the surgery. Besides, as soon as you can get up and in a wheelchair, you can make a trip to the NICU to meet your baby! I hear she's a real cutie."
The nurse made a few notes on readings, checked the wound dressing, then showed Katniss the call button before heading out to check on another patient. Prim excused herself shortly after to make a few more phone calls, closing the curtain behind her so Katniss could get some rest.
Alone with her thoughts, Katniss found the idea of seeing her baby for the first time both thrilling and terrifying. She was relieved to finally put a face to this mysterious creature once and for all. But… what if she still didn't feel that thing she was waiting for all these months? What if the baby didn't like her, or recognize that she was her mother?
It wasn't supposed to be like this - their meeting delayed for hours while she had time to second guess and overthink everything. Katniss was disappointed that hers was not the first face the baby saw when she opened her eyes. It was some consolation that Peeta was there in her place, but she had to admit she was even a little jealous of him. They were supposed to do this together.
"Hello?" Katniss heard a soft voice outside the curtain, pulling her from her thoughts. It opened slowly, a familiar tuft of blond curls peeking in, followed by cautious blue eyes. A grin lit up Peeta's face when he saw her watching him. "Hey."
Katniss couldn't help but smile back. "Hey."
He came in and sat at her side, grabbing her hand and leaning in to give her a gentle kiss. "Prim let me know you were awake. How are you feeling?"
She felt her muscles relax, the calm Peeta brought to her allowing the tension to release from her body. "I've been better," she uttered, a tear leaking out and cooling her warm cheek.
He brushed it away with his calloused fingertips. "I can imagine. I wonder…" He studied her face as he searched for the right words, his eyes shining with excitement. "Do you want to see a picture of her?"
She stiffened again at the reminder that he had already met their daughter, gone ahead and crossed that threshold and left her three steps behind.
"Sure," she replied, trying not to let the bitterness seep into her voice.
He pulled his phone from his pocket and quickly navigated to the photos. "She's so beautiful, Katniss… " His finger swiped across the screen, passing several blurry photos that he must have taken with shaky hands. Finally he stopped on a clear one, turning the screen so she could see better without letting it go.
"She's small – but she's perfect! Her little fingers and toes are so delicate, and she's got these tiny fingernails…"
Katniss tuned out his proud rambling to focus on the screen. It was filled by a small red creature, wires taped to her chest and attached with a piece of beige gauze wrapped around her tiny foot. A knit pink cap covered most of her head, but she could see a few stray pieces of dark hair poking out in the front. Her eyes were closed, her head thrown back mid-cry.
She waited for that moment – that recognition, some awareness that this person on the screen was a part of her. But it never came.
"…wouldn't let me hold her yet, but they said definitely when the two of us go back later, we'll be able to." She drew her eyes from the screen and watched him as he swiped to a close up of a miniature hand. His dimples were showing, and his voice took on that trill it always had when he was bursting with nervous energy.
She tried to put a smile on her face, but it felt more like a grimace. Peeta looked up from the phone, his own smile fading as he took in her pained expression. "I'm sorry, I know I'm rambling, I just –" He shrugged. "I'm just so glad she's finally here."
Katniss smiled sadly, feeling a little guilty at tempering his obvious joy. "Me, too. I'm just a little tired right now."
Peeta sighed, relief flooding his face. "Of course, I'm sorry. Between the medicine and the surgery – you must be exhausted." He adjusted her bed and helped her lay back. "You get some rest; we'll talk some more later."
She lay back against the pillow and closed her eyes. Her mind was racing, and she knew sleep would elude her, but she was too weary to put on a happy face right now.
xxxxxxx
"I have a roommate?"
Katniss took in the small room, divided in the middle by a curtain. As the nurse wheeled her bed to the space closest to the window, she looked around at the beige walls and older television hanging above two bed spaces. This certainly wasn't the cozy birthing room she had been in before the surgery.
"Yes, c-section patients are here in our surgical unit. You're in the hospital a bit longer than for a normal birth, so we have to double you up."
The implication that her daughter's birth wasn't "normal" stung, but Katniss brushed it off. She looked over to the empty bed and wondered where her roommate was.
"In any case," the nurse continued, "she may be discharged soon, so if things stay quiet, you might have the room to yourself for a couple of days."
Peeta set her bags down in the only chair as the nurse plugged her bed back in and began the process of reconnecting her wires to the room's monitors. Glancing around, she seemed satisfied with her work and stepped over to the whiteboard at the foot of the bed to write her name in looping curves.
"So –I'll be your nurse until 7. I've got another patient to check on, but then I'll be back to help get you up and walking. Then you and your husband can head to the NICU to meet your baby."
The din of call bells and crying babies was muffled as the door closed behind her. Katniss smiled at Peeta, grateful for the moment of quiet.
But the peace was short lived. Their attention was drawn to the door as it was thrown open again with a frustrated grunt by a slim woman with cropped dark hair. She stormed into the room, muttering to herself as she kicked off her shoes and stepped into a pair of slippers.
"These doctors are a bunch of idiots." She pulled open the curtain between the beds to reach for a machine that had been moved closer to Katniss during the transfer, plugging it into the outlet between the beds. She continued to grumble while pulling open the snaps on the front of her shirt and revealing her bra. "Never a straight answer, never any sign of a plan. I'd almost bet they're just making it up as they go along."
From a bag at her bedside she retrieved plastic parts that she connected together and to the machine before tucking two shields into the front of her exposed bra. "I mean, you'd think after all the money they throw into these fancy letters after their names that they'd have some clue, but oh noooo –"
She stopped and waved her fingers at the stunned couple as they tried to discretely look away. "Wait - neither of you are doctors, are you?"
Peeta and Katniss shook their heads, bewildered. "I didn't think so; you don't have that sickening air of superiority about you." She switched the machine on and flopped onto her bed with a huff. "I'm telling you, they think they're a bunch of gods, the whole lot of them."
With her speech apparently finished, the room was silent save the sound of the breast pump – as Katniss now realized – whooshing rhythmically between them.
"Ah, ahem." Stunned, Peeta looked between the whirlwind in the next bed and his wife. He ruffled a hand through his hair before clearing his throat. "We're, uh, the Mellarks. I'm Peeta, and this is my wife Katniss. I guess we're going to be roommates for a little while."
"Johanna Mason. Pleased to meet you." She reached her hand out, and Peeta leaned over to shake it while carefully keeping his eyes glued to the painting above her bed.
"So, 'Mellarks', what's your story?"
"Excuse me?" Katniss bristled. Who was this woman? "Our story…?"
Johanna adjusted a setting on the pump and pulled her legs in on the bed. "Like, for starters, boy or girl?"
Peeta looked to Katniss, trying to gauge her comfort with this conversation. "We, um – Girl. We have a daughter."
"Uh huh, and where is she?"
When neither responded right away, she sighed loudly. "Listen, you aren't my first roommates, okay? I've been here for almost a month now, and I've stayed with all kinds of people: older moms on their fourth or fifth kid, teenagers scared shitless, a lesbian couple with twins… I've learned a few things about this place. Like, if something terrible happens to your baby, they have the courtesy to give you a private room, but other than that, they throw the rest of us 'surgical patients' in here to fend for ourselves without much concern to our feelings."
"So-," Johanna glanced around the room, "if your baby isn't here, she's in either the nursery or the NICU." She quirked an eyebrow, waiting for a response. "And judging by the dazed look on both of your faces, I'm gonna guess NICU."
Katniss was overwhelmed by this woman. She had no idea how to respond except to nod her head. Luckily, it was enough to get the message across.
Johanna nodded back before leaning back against her pillows and sighing. "Yeah, me too," she said quietly. Her eyes looked pained briefly before hardening, the fierceness from her original speech returning.
"Anyway, if you're gonna be my roommates, you might as well know a little about me. First, I hate hospitals. All this sterile canned air makes me sick. Even the smell of the soap around here makes me want to vomit. I can't wait to get the hell out of here, and get back to my cabin in the woods where I can breathe again." Katniss couldn't help but smile a little, finding something in common with the woman.
"Second, I don't mince words, so don't expect me to hold my tongue. I've been through a lot the past few weeks: induced coma, infections, multiple surgeries… And now some doctor is conspiring with my shitty insurance company to kick me out, because I'm 'healed.' But you know what? That's bullshit. I'm not going anywhere, because the one thing that matters to me in this world is still up on that sixth floor.
"I fought for my life, and I survived when no one thought I would. And he's fighting just as hard, I can tell. So I'm staying right here."
Peeta cleared his throat. "I'm so sorry to hear-"
"NO." Johanna leaned forward and pointed a finger at him. "And that's number three: no pity. I don't need your sympathy, blondie. I'm so sick of social workers and psychologists and priests coming down here, wanting to comfort me, wanting to cry with me. Like they have a fucking clue what I'm going through. No. They look at me like I'm some fragile little girl that's gonna break or something. They have no idea how strong I am. How much I can endure." She gave them both a stern look. "You got it?" Peeta and Katniss nodded. "Okay, then."
She lay back against her pillow and crossed her legs. "Now -" Grabbing her remote, she turned on the TV above her bed and the room filled with a raucous laughter. "I hope you enjoy reality shows. Because when I'm not at my son's bedside, nothing relaxes me more than a good catfight."
xxxxxxx
"We're the Mellarks. We're here to see our daughter? In pod 12?"
Peeta signed in with the receptionist at the front of the NICU unit while Katniss took in the waiting area from her wheelchair. There was a sign beside two steel doors with a list of rules about visitors. She watched as a member of the medical staff swiped a badge for admission before the heavy doors shut behind him.
On the wall above the receptionist desk was a large mural of baby photos labeled "NICU Graduates". There were hundreds of photos of tiny babies in cribs, often next to pictures of an older child she assumed was the baby all grown up. She spotted older children with gap toothed grins, some with glasses, a few wearing sports uniforms, and several smiling from wheelchairs.
To her left was a comfortable looking couch, unlike the standard-issue waiting room chairs scattered around the rest of the room. Above the couch was a plaque marked with a tiny carving. Katniss recognized the Winnie the Pooh characters, Kanga and Roo, holding hands and walking down a path. Katniss leaned in to read the inscription.
In memory of our baby girl, Rue
Your fighting spirit inspired mommy, daddy & the nurses in pod 11
Fly high, little bird
3/11/05 – 7/29/05
She stared at the little carving of Roo smiling at his mother and tried not to dwell on the sobering reminder of what lay ahead.
"Okay, we're ready." Peeta touched her shoulder, drawing her attention to the doors that were opening automatically. He wheeled her to a washing station where he instructed her on how to scrub her hands and arms properly before entering the unit. The hot water counted down the time, turning off only after the required minutes had passed. Peeta grabbed a clean gown from a bin beside the sinks and put it on over his clothes.
When they were both sufficiently sterile, Peeta wheeled her into the main part of the NICU. They passed several rooms with isolation signs and warning notifications taped up on the doors. Moving further in, Katniss recognized the "pods" as groups of four to six bassinets stationed in groups with several nurses attending to the babies inside. Some had curtains pulled slightly back to allow for privacy, but for the most part, the pod was an open cluster of babies, medical equipment and rocking chairs.
"She's in Pod 12, the last one on the right," Peeta murmured in her ear. "Visitors aren't really supposed to look around when they come in here, to give the other families some privacy. Luckily, her pod is at the end, so we won't get much traffic through there." Katniss just stared straight ahead and nodded.
Finally, they passed a sign declaring "Welcome to Pod 12!" and entered a group of six bassinets. Two stations were empty and curtains were drawn between two of the others, though Katniss could see feet underneath as someone rocked in a rocking chair.
Peeta parked her wheelchair beside one of the middle stations and walked around to the side of the bassinette. "Hey baby, I'm back," he murmured as he put his hand in to touch the baby inside. "And I brought Mommy this time."
A nurse wearing Mickey Mouse scrubs turned to greet them. "Couldn't stay away, I see," she addressed Peeta, giving him a friendly smile before directing her gaze to Katniss. "You must be Mom. I'm Portia, your daughter's nurse. I was here when she was admitted, and I'll be on for a few more hours."
"I'm Katniss," she explained, her eyes never leaving Peeta as he leaned over to stroke the baby's skin.
"Would you like some help to get closer?" Portia asked. It was difficult to see what was happening inside the bed from her wheelchair. Before Katniss could answer, Peeta rushed back to his wife's side.
"Oh - I'm so sorry, Katniss! Let me help you stand up." Peeta locked the wheelchair and put an arm around Katniss as she gingerly stood up. She held a hand to the bandages to support her damaged muscles and made her way to her daughter's bedside.
Katniss recognized the same fuzzy cap that she had seen in Peeta's photos, but already the baby looked different. She was wrapped tightly in a white receiving blanket from her neck to her feet. Rather than the scrunched up cry she was caught in earlier, her face was relaxed with sleep, her full lips forming a small pout. Her skin had started to lose the strong reddish hue and faded to a more pinkish tone.
"You know, she still needs a name," Peeta reminded her, pointing to the 'Baby Girl Mellark' sign at the base of the bassinet. "What do you think?"
In the weeks leading up to her due date, Katniss had been waffling over names for the yet-unseen child growing inside her. It was hard for her to make a decision, probably because it made the whole situation feel real somehow.
But there was nothing more real than the perfect creature in front of her.
"I think we should go with the one you suggested," Katniss replied, giving him a small smile. "It suits her."
Peeta's face lit up. Over the last few months of her pregnancy, he read into the meaning of every name he heard. He'd recently stumbled across one that meant 'beloved' and had been making a not-so-subtle pitch for it ever since.
"Are you sure?" he asked, trying to hold back his grin. "But it's not a flower name. Those are a tradition in your family… Won't your mom be disappointed?"
Katniss shook her head. "I was thinking her middle name could be Rose, like my grandmother." She shrugged. "But this is our family now. We should start our own traditions. And I want her name to mean something to us."
Peeta leaned over and kissed her temple. "I love that idea."
"Did I hear correctly?" Portia interrupted the couple as she stopped to take the baby's temperature. "Does this little girl have a name?"
Peeta looked to Katniss, who nodded her approval. "She does. Cara Rose Mellark."
"Aw, that's beautiful." She entered some notes into the computer, and turned to Katniss as she rubbed her hands with sanitizer. "So, are you ready to try breastfeeding Miss Cara?"
Katniss stepped back a bit, panicked. Yes, she had planned to breastfeed. But now? Here? In the wide open, where anyone could see? She was already nervous about breastfeeding in theory; she needed more than a few minutes to mentally prepare herself for the reality of it.
"I –uh," she stammered, looking to Peeta. She wasn't good with words like he was, but he would understand.
"Um, could we actually hold her first for a minute?" he asked, sensing her discomfort. "We didn't get a chance to do that earlier, and well, I was hoping maybe we could all get acquainted for a bit."
"Of course." Portia pulled two rocking chairs over from the empty bedsides. "In fact, we can probably do some kangaroo care, if you're up for it."
"What's that?" Katniss asked as Peeta helped lower her gingerly into one of the chairs.
Portia loosened Cara's blankets, disturbing her slumber and eliciting a small cry from the baby. "Skin to skin contact. It helps regulate her temperature, which she's been struggling with, plus is good for blood pressure and her other vitals. It's a great way to promote bonding, especially for babies in the NICU."
Peeta sat in the chair next to Katniss as Portia lifted Cara out of her bassinet. "How does it work?"
"Pretty much just like it sounds," Portia smiled. "You'd take your shirt off, and then we'd tuck her in on your chest, skin to skin."
Portia lifted the baby up, and Katniss marveled at how she fit perfectly into her two hands, head and rump in each one. She looked so fragile, so helpless as she fussed from being disturbed. A terror washed over her – could she do this? - and she grabbed Peeta's hand. "Why don't you go first?"
Peeta squeezed her hand back. "Are you sure?"
Blinking back tears, Katniss nodded. She cleared her throat and pushed down any thoughts that she was already failing as a mother.
Peeta removed the gown he had donned and pulled the t-shirt underneath off over his head. Portia instructed him to pull the gown back on his shoulders as a robe he could pull around the two of them, then snuggled the baby onto his chest. She placed the blanket back on top of Cara and pulled the robe closed to keep her warm.
Instinctively, Peeta's big hand came up to hold her close, her head snuggling into the soft hairs on his chest as she settled down. He looked at Katniss, his eyes shining. "Thank you, Katniss," he said, his voice cracking. "Thank you so much."
She choked out a laugh, the sight of her tiny daughter on her husband's chest filling her heart with a surge of love so strong it stunned her. "For what?"
"For her." Peeta looked down and stroked Cara's head gently. "For this amazing gift."
Katniss frowned and shook her head, feeling unworthy of his gratitude, but said nothing. She didn't want to interrupt this moment with more talking. Reclining her head back against the wooden chair, she rocked slowly and watched the two Mellarks beside her. She marveled at the wisps of dark hair escaping her daughter's hat and how it contrasted with the lighter hairs on Peeta's chest.
The family rocked in a companionable peace, with Portia periodically checking in. Cara slept soundly for a while, but after some time she began to stir. A whimper escaped her as she burrowed further on Peeta's chest. He tried to reposition her, but eventually the mewling turned to a full-fledged cry. At the sound, Katniss sat up straighter, her muscles tense with concern. A protective instinct washed over her; she needed to do something.
"Can I-" She met Peeta's concerned eyes. "I think… I'd like to try. To hold her."
"Yeah." He smiled sheepishly. "Guess she's tired of me now."
Portia came back over to help with the transfer. Katniss hadn't had a chance to shower and put on her own nightgown from home yet, but the hospital johnny was already split in the front for ease in breastfeeding, so she was able to leave it on. Portia took Cara from Peeta and settled her onto Katniss, tucking her down between her breasts. The baby made a small sighing sound and turned her head to the side, calming instantly. Portia pulled the curtain around them closed a little tighter, giving the new family more privacy.
Katniss looked down in wonder. Up close, she could see that Cara had long, fine eyelashes that seemed to tangle together. For the first time, she was able to see her daughter's eyes open, and she noticed they were a light blue very similar to Peeta's. She reached down and removed the pink knit cap, revealing a shock of dark hair that stuck up in every direction. A laugh bubbled up from her throat before she could stop it, disturbing the baby on her chest and causing her to squirm slightly before settling down again. Katniss reached out and touched the hairs, whisper soft as the down on a baby bird.
"I was wrong."
Katniss looked up to find Peeta staring at Cara, his eyes intense and watery. "What?"
"I was wrong," he continued. He looked up at her and smiled, wiping at the corner of his eye. "I thought holding her was the most incredible thing I would ever experience in my life. But this is. Seeing you with her – it's like I've been waiting for this moment my whole life, and I didn't even know it. The two of you are my whole world."
Katniss rolled her eyes at her cheesy husband, though she couldn't hide the smile at his sentimental side.
Cara was calm and quiet, allowing Katniss to study every inch of her. But eventually, she became restless again and began to whimper. Katniss held her close as she wriggled on her chest, nuzzling closer to her breast.
Portia heard the fussing and poked her head in to check on things. "Sounds like Miss Cara might be getting hungry."
Watching as her daughter rooted around in frustration, Katniss felt an ache in her chest. She surveyed the sheltered area Portia had created for them, telling herself they were in their own private cave, just the three of them. No one could hurt them here. It was time to let go of her fears and worries.
She wanted to do this for her daughter, but she needed to do this for herself.
"Portia," she asked. "Can you help me? I'm ready to try breastfeeding now."
"Absolutely." Portia gave her a smile, then rubbed her hands with sanitizer again.
"Let's get to work."
Thank you so much for reading and all your kind feedback, and I apologize for my slow pace. I'm on Tumblr as sothereff if you'd ever like to chat. :)