Chapter 5: Destruction
"I'm getting suspicious here", Lilith said, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Prosperity all around? Come on, Jessup, what's bad enough that you have to sugarcoat it with that many good news? This is Pandora, things tend to go wrong."
The soldier scratched his bald scalp. "Sorry to disappoint, ma'am, but apart from the usual wildlife attacks, nothing awful has happened to any of our men or any of our facilities. We didn't lose as much as a limb in the past two days. Maybe these aliens are really watching out for us..."
"Doubtful", Lilith replied bitterly and passed a glance to one of the posters on the wall, showing Roland in all his strength and confidence.
"Well, if you're in the mood of not-so-good news." Jessup cleared his throat. "Old Haven has been all but nuked."
Maya stared at the Lieutenant, then passed a quick glance at Lilith, who looked equally flabbergasted. "Could you repeat that, please?"
"The whole city has fallen victim to some very violent explosions." There was something odd about the stress put on 'explosions'. "Nothing nuclear, though, that was just the idiom... Well, apparently the blasters used some Slag infused bombs, a modern version of salting the ground."
"Who the hell would do that?", Lilith stammered. "And why? I mean, the city is abandoned. No one left there, I took personal care of that matter."
Jessup cleared his throat yet again. Maya was tempted to offer him a lozenge. "We already know the culprits, ma'am, and they've already given us their reasons."
"That's impressive", Maya said, encouragingly, but Jessup just made a face. "Ah, it's not as if we caught them or something like that. They... they broadcasted the whole thing on the ECHOnet."
"Cut it!", Private Spinski screamed and tossed a glass at the new holo-screen. It passed through the hologram of a happy, guitar-playing Country-singer and crashed against the wall.
"What, you don't like Country music anymore?", Jessup said with a grin. Agreed, he wasn't the biggest fan of this singer himself, but that wouldn't stop him from teasing Spinski. In his private opinion, Country had been past ist peak since the death of Johnny Cash three thousand and oddball years ago. Impressive how some things simply didn't get better over millennia.
"Country music is a sin against humankind", the young Private announced. "Hey, Cindy, mind changing the goddamn channel or what?!"
"Customer's always right, sugar", the waitress replied and waggled over to the holo-device.
"Hun, I know you're doing your best, but please leave the sugars to Moxxi", Jessup sighed. "No criticism, really, it just.. doesn't sound right."
"Only trying to uphold the standards", Cindy smiled back. Since Mad Moxxi had relocated to her Underdome 2.0 in the Badass Crater of Badassitude, Cindy had taken charge of the bar in Sanctuary and for the most part, she did a great job. Especially concerning cleavage.
The Country singer vanished and was replaced by a man advertising the wonderful world of Aquator. Vast blue ocean and floating homesteads were shown in the background, lavish cruise ships plowed through azure waves... well, on the holograms everything looked slightly azure.
"And that's preferable to Country?", Jessup picked up again at teasing his comrade. He got a non-committal: "Yep", for an answer and pressed on: "If I remember correctly, you have been listening to the Space Riders over and over back when we were stationed in the Fast..."
"Yeah, so what? Youthful folly." Spinski signaled for another drink.
"Is your sudden hate of one of the best Country bands in recent years somehow tied to a young, red-haired Vault Huntress who just happens to dislike Country music as well?"
"Gosh, Jessup, you just have to spell it out, don't you?"
The Lieutenant grinned broadly. "Am I right?"
The holograms flickered, static filled the screen for a brief moment and then the hologram of an extremely muscular, topless man with sunglasses and a red bandana appeared. "HELLO FELLOW FANS OF GUNS, EXPLOSIONS AND AWESOME!"
"Oh shit", Jessup whispered. The Torgue Corporation had worked a little miracle as it was the only company to date that had come to Pandora and withdrawn in perfectly orderly fashion. They had taken everything that was worth taking, including everyone on the ground who wanted to leave, the better part of the Forge, every SDU capable of digistructing one of their robots as well as their vending machines, and left what they felt was unnecessary, including the big arena that had been reworked into the Underdome 2.0, the housing facilities of the Beatdown and of course their most famous spokesperson. The board of executives had quite simply kicked Mr. Torgue from his very own company and was actually pondering to change the corporation's name. The burly man of show business and explosions had ended up in Sanctuary, tinkering with weapons and playing Bunkers & Badasses with Tiny Tina, mostly sulking.
Apparently he had just now decided to make a comeback of one kind or another.
"It has been a FUCKING LONG TIME since I was last able to broadcast AND IT FEELS AWESOME TO BE BACK ON THE AIR! First off, as you may already have noticed, the doctor removed the digital censor attached to my voice box, which finally allows me to call those MOTHERFUCKING DICKBALL SHAREHOLDERS MOTHERFUCKING DICKBALL SHAREHOLDERS! THIS IS AWESOME, THANKS AND A HIGH-FIVE TO BADASS DR. ZED OVER IN SANCTUARY!"
By now everyone inside the bar had gathered around the holo-screen, even the dart players had left their boards and some passersby were silently slipping in. Apart from Mr. Torgue's thundering voice, the bar was perfectly silent.
"TODAY I intend to produce THE GREATEST EXPLOSION PANDORA HAS EVER SEEN! So stay tuned, loyal friends, as me and my assistant here ARE GOING TO BLOW THE WHOLE CITY OF OLD HAVEN SKY-HIGH! As courtesy demands, I'm now going to make room for my assistant to say some words. YOU MAY KNOW HER, SHE IS A TRUE EXPERT ON THE MATTER OF EXPLOSIONS AND I AM SO HAPPY TO HAVE HER HERE TODAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: TINY TINA!"
Mr. Torgue left the focus of the camera and Tina literally jumped whooping into the picture. However, as the camera was apparently fixed in place, only her head could be seen on the screen. "Helloooo all you fans out there! It's very nice to see your interest in explosions and if you're not interested in explosions turn off now before I come and get you in your sleep!"
"Just for the record, this can be turned off?", Jessup asked.
"I could turn off the whole receiver, but I can't swap the channels", Cindy replied. "Already tried."
"How does he do it?", Spinski pondered.
"Now", Tina continued with an air of uttermost importance on her, "as my much valued colleague already explained, we are going to blow up the derelict city of Old Haven and we'll do this as a favor for a veeeeeery speciiiiiiiial friennnnnd of mine, butunfortunatelyshewantstostayanonymous. So, we're not no never telling her name. Girl, if you're watching now, this is for keeps." Tina spun around as if she had suddenly lost her interest in the camera. Odds were high that this was actually the case. "And of course it's a great chance to blow stuff up, which is always a good thing!"
"I couldn't have put it better, even if I tried", Mr. Torgue announced. The camera was picked up and followed Tiny Tina who was walking along the main road of Old Haven. Jessup knew the place from his time with the Lance, some of the corners shown held fond memories of shootouts with a certain group of Vault Hunters, even though the buildings were overgrown with vines and moss was plentiful on the walls. Then the facility came into view and Jessup dropped his glass. A number of high, square, stainless-steel towers rose up into the sky where the town centre had used to be. They displayed hardly any sign of wear and tear, the flat roofs held the usual ramshackle Pandoran buildings, indicating the facility had literally risen from the ground, and an orange sign was stenciled into the biggest of these towers: GP.
"So that's what they've been talking about", Jessup muttered. "When they told me some Hyperions had unearthed the Gortys Project... I always thought of them digging around in some badly lit tunnels."
"Now, this whole matter is a big FUCK YOU to Atlas", Mr. Torgue continued to explain, the camera zooming in on the towers. "For leaving their soldiers and workers on this planet to die, for destroying the lives of countless people, including Tina's special friend, and FOR BEING DAMNED TOUGH CONCURRENTS BACK IN THE DAYS WHEN I OWNED A WEAPONS COMPANY! BUT GUESS WHO'S STILL IN BUSINESS?! So because of Atlas being such marvelous assholes, we decided to skip on subtlety and drive our point home WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER! Figuratively."
The camera showed a close-up of the biggest tower. Explosives had been rigged to the wall, the lights on the detonators were blinking in perfect synch, acting like a luminous advertising that read: FUCK U ATLAS.
"But we got more!" The camera briefly zoomed out and focused on the next tower. The charges there formed a hand flipping the bird at the universe in general and Atlas in particular. "And last but not least..." The third tower filled the screen, equally adorned with explosives, this time in the shape of...
"They gotta be kidding", Spinski muttered.
"You should know a little more about Tiny Tina since that battle in the Tundra Express", Jessup remarked dryly.
"Now, of course, this depiction of a cute little bunny has nothing to do with our general message to Atlas, but it is REALLY CUTE and AWESOME and THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED TO PUT IT UP, EXCEPT REASONS!"
"Well, you gotta know, partner, that this bunny's kinda like my trademark", Tiny Tina drawled. "Gotta mark yar territory for those noisy bandits and it's a nice tribute to ol' Mushy and Felicia. Now can we go on and start to blast things? Please? Pleeeeease?"
The camera swung around at a sickening speed (in fact, Jessup heard one of the other patrons throw up) and moved back the way it had come. "Of course these charges on the towers are just the tip of the EXPLOSIVE-BERG. We've mined this city thoroughly! Now we will quickly escape to a safe distance, before Tina will have the honor of making the countdown and THE CITY WILL BLOW UP BEHIND US AND I'M GOING TO ACCOMPANY IT WITH A SICK GUITAR SOLO AND IT WILL BE THE MOST AWESOME THING TO HAPPEN ON THIS PLANET SINCE THE VAULT HUNTERS FOUGHT THE BADASSASAURUS!"
"Badassa... what?", someone asked. Jessup spared a glance and was not surprised to see one of the smugglers. Only someone from abroad could ask about the Badassasaurus. Every Pandoran who had access to an ECHO-communicator knew in detail about the events of the infamous Campaign of Carnage, though not necessarily by choice. In order to broadcast off-planet, Torgue's signal had been strong enough to extinguish any other incoming (pirated) ECHOnet-channel for a full month.
"Alright, we have now reached safe ground", Mr. Torgue announced. The camera swirled once again (and once again Jessup heard someone retch) and was eventually mounted on a fixed position, showing Torgue, Old Haven with its redesigned skyline in the background and occasionally Tiny Tina who was jumping in and out of the picture like some sort of hyper excited bouncy ball. "At least we're going to presume that it is safe ground, because everything else would take away from the BADASSITY of all this."
"Lemme do the countdown, lemme do the countdown!", Tina demanded vigorously.
"All right then, fans, friends, watchers, this is it, THIS IS THE GREATEST EXPLOSION PANDORA WILL EVER SEE AND I'M SO PUMPED RIGHT NOW! WHOOHEY! COUNT AWAY, TINA!" Mr. Torgue posed in front of the camera, raising his arms, ready for the guitar solo.
"He has never worked with Tiny before", Jessup said, shaking his head.
"How can you tell?", one of the patrons inquired.
"Because he allowed her to make a countdown."
"Here we go folks!", Tina squealed in delight. "Ten... Nine... Eight... Seven... Ah, should do!"
The blast was deafening and Jessup had the distinctive feeling he heard it in the distance, not only through the speakers. The three towers of the Gortys facility erupted in glorious columns of fire and heat, reaching higher and higher into the sky, to the point where some people left the bar in a hurry, apparently hoping to catch a glimpse of them in real life. The initial shockwave ran through the lesser buildings of Old Haven like a scythe through wheat, literally cutting houses in two or simply crushing them flat. A millisecond later the charges in the city went off, ripping the ground apart, spewing debris and even more flames in every direction. Mr. Torgue managed to be louder than all that, shredding away on his air guitar and making unintelligible noises that sounded suspiciously like serious acoustic feedback. And still more and more bombs exploded, adding to the overall picture of utter destruction, until the showman was performing in front of a wall of flames.
"Slap me", Jessup said to no one in particular.
"Why?", Spinski asked curiously.
"Wanna make sure I'm not dreaming this up."
"I take that as an official order, Lieutenant, sir."
Jessup received a hard slap on the back of his head. "Ah, hurt. Fair enough. Thank you, Private."
Gradually, the fires died down. Pieces of debris were falling liberally from the sky and they were everything that was left of Old Haven. A regular nuke wouldn't have been half as thorough. The city had been replaced by a crater, pockmarked by cracks in the bedrock and lesser craters. And it was deep, too, leaving no trace of the shafts where the Gortys Project had been hidden for so many years. The ground was blackened, glowing purple in some places. Jessup had done enough fighting in the Ashes to recognize Slag when he saw it. The substance would leave the land barren for the next decade at least. If any one place on Pandora should have been classified a wasteland, the Lieutenant would have voted for this crater.
"MEEHOWEEHOWWEEEH! WAOH WAOH WAHOHWEEEE! THIS WAS TRULY AMAZING! And just to top it off we're going to show it again, this time in SLOW-MOTION! Stand ready!"
The screen dissolved into static for a couple of seconds, before the towers of the Gortys Project reappeared and their destruction was shown in slow motion, until Torgue stopped the footage. The charges had already gone off, but Jessup clearly saw the hand with the rude gesture, the writing concerning Atlas and the cute bunny's face outlined by explosions.
"And that, my friends, it art! True art! I mean, WHO DID EVER WRITE SOMETHING IN EXPLOSIONS?! I JUST DROPPED A SINGLE MANLY TEAR FOR THIS AND THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN VERY OFTEN, SUCKERS!"
"Did ya say sumthin?", Tiny Tina chimed in yet again, her voice sounding strangely off. "Thought ye sayed sumthin. Wooho, you recordin, ha? Gimme that, wanna say hi to the fans. Did I just say sumthin? Huhu, Imma talkin an I canna hear me own voice..."
"Oh, my assistant has been temporarily deafened, but don't worry, time will fix that! And as a man who has had more holes in his eardrums than ANYONE BEFORE OR AFTER I can assure that in writing. Now, this was Mr. Torgue and I'll return to you soon, with more explosions, more awesomeness and a hundred percent more guitar solos! OUTRO JINGLE! MOOHAWOOWOO MAHOWAHOW WOOMWOOM WAHOH!"
The freeze hologram of the explosive artwork flickered and was replaced by the regular ECHOnet program. Cindy turned it off immediately.
For the first time in years it was silent in the bar. Then someone in the background cleared his throat and asked the only logical question: "So, if he's back on the air... does that mean they'll continue with these collectable plastic models of explosions?"
The smugglers in the bar quickly exchanged glances and quietly slipped outside, leaving the crazy Pandorans to their own ends, as the discussion erupted. Jessup watched them go and reminded himself to question Spinski about the sudden change in his taste of music, once things had calmed down a bit. Not even the biggest explosion ever performed on Pandora would get the poor Private off that particular hook.