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WARNING: Mentions of self harm.

Chapter 8

Blood and tears covered Emma's shaking hands. She put the penknife down, wincing at the pain that shot through her body.

She regretted it. But then she didn't.

She needed to feel physical pain, to distract herself from the real world around her. The lines on her stomach were prominent against her pale skin. They stood out as a reminder of the pain she was suffering.

She hadn't cut herself in a long time. The last time she had, she'd been young and unfortunately in a similar situation. Nothing in her life had been right, no one had loved her; it was a way out.

She just felt so helpless. She felt as though she was drowning and everyone she loved was standing watching, unwilling to help. She put her head in her hands and sobbed, amazed that she even had any tears left inside her to cry.

A sudden knock on the door jerked her from her thoughts. She sat up quickly, hissing from the pain it caused. Thankfully she'd remembered to lock the door.

"Emma?" the unmistakeable sound of Snow's voice floated into the room. "We're going for a walk if you would like to join us. You have an appointment with Archie this afternoon anyway."

Emma frowned. She did? She didn't remember agreeing to that. As if Snow could read her mind, she continued.

"We organised it for you. We want to help you, Emma. You'll be having appointments with him at least once a week going forward. And one with some of us there, too."

Emma's eyes widened comically. She felt a bit weird having this conversation through a door, but she wasn't fit to be seen right now.

"Er, what? Sessions with some of you too? Is that really necessary?"

She could practically hear Snow roll her eyes through the door. "Yes, Emma, it is. We are going to work this out together, ok? So get dressed and come downstairs in the next twenty minutes. You're going to see Archie today whether you like it or not."

Snow's footsteps sounded down the corridor, indicating she had left. Emma sighed. She needed to clean herself up; her family couldn't see her like this. They had no idea of the extent of everything, and now was not the time to find out.

She went into the bathroom and tried to avoid looking at herself in the mirror. She got into the shower for the second time that day, almost crying out when the water flowed over the cuts on her body. It stung like hell. Emma knew she shouldn't have done it, but she was just so tired of feeling helpless.

Making sure to scrub any traces of blood away from her hands and face, Emma finally exited the shower. She dressed in her usual jeans and tank top combo, feeling an odd sense of calmness as she put on her red leather jacket. It was something consistent, something that had been her armour for so long. It protected her against the world, even when it felt like she couldn't breathe.

Unfortunately the cuts were still fresh and some were still bleeding. Emma dabbed them as best she could and made sure to wear a black top, just in case. She could still feel some pain but revelled in it. It was something she could control, something tangible. When everything else was slipping away, she could control what physical pain she felt. It was something in the mess that was her life.

She went downstairs and found everyone waiting for her. She sighed inwardly, knowing this was going to be an extremely awkward and uncomfortable day.

"I'm starving. Can we go for lunch?"

Henry's voice reached Emma's ears and she froze. She hadn't seen anyone else outside the four she was currently with in the last few days. News was sure to have spread about what happened, and everyone who saw her was likely to give her a pitying look, a rushed hug, or some other words of well-wishing.

She didn't know if she could deal with it. It was hard enough being around her family all the time; she didn't need the added pressure of the whole town. She was about ready to object, when unfortunately Snow answered for her.

"Of course, Henry! Everyone is dying to see Emma. I think the social interaction will do her good."

Emma raised an eyebrow, annoyed. "If you don't mind," she began, "I think I can speak for myself. I would really rather not see everyone right now, thank you very much."

Snow faced Emma, a look of condescending pity etched onto her face. "Emma, be reasonable. You can't hide in the house forever, you have to face everyone. And what better time to do it than now? There won't be too many people there. Come on." And with that, she grabbed Emma's wrist and all but dragged her to the diner. Any protest died on Emma's lips. Snow was determined, and there was no dissuading her from something once she set her mind on it. It would be pointless to argue, no matter how afraid and nervous Emma was feeling.

They reached the door of Granny's and Snow finally let go of Emma's wrist. Emma rubbed it, sure there was going to be a bruise from her mother's vice grip.

As soon as they entered, there was a noticeable hush among the customers. Everyone was unabashedly staring right at Emma, which made her extremely uncomfortable. Some people even resorted to whispering and pointing. The people of Storybrooke had a complete lack of subtlety.

Snow smiled brightly at them all and proceeded to a booth, followed by the rest of the group. Emma wanted to crawl in a hole and hide for eternity, but she forced herself to power through. She was going to need some serious alcohol later.

"Hey guys!" Ruby came sauntering up to them, a big smile on her face. Her eyes lingered on Emma a second longer than the rest of them. "What can I get you?"

They all placed their orders, Emma neglecting her usual cheeseburger and fries for a BLT. She hadn't eaten much in the last few months, and her appetite seemed to have shrunk. Thankfully no one commented and Emma was able to eat quietly, avoiding conversation as much as possible. When the group moved on to talk about the baby, Emma found she couldn't stand to listen anymore, so she excused herself to go to the bathroom.

She was so occupied with getting away that she didn't notice where she was going. She bumped into Ruby and accidentally knocked the tray she was holding from her hands. Before she could bolt or awkwardly apologise, Ruby spoke as though it hadn't happened.

"Emma. It's good to see you. I've missed you, you know."

Ruby tried to appear as calm as possible, but her eyes betrayed the worry and fear she was clearly feeling.

Emma felt a pang of guilt. Even more people than anticipated had been hurt at what she'd done. She should have known though; Ruby was one of her best friends. She could have been angry with Emma, but in that moment she looked sincere and a little nervous. Emma forced herself to smile. "I've missed you too, Rubes. We should have a girl's night soon. Or coffee. Or something."

Despite the half-heartedness of the proposal, Ruby's eyes lit up and she nodded enthusiastically. "Of course! That sounds great, I can't wait. Oh and Emma…just so you know, you can talk to me anytime. I'm sure it's a bit much having everyone around you all the time, so if you ever need to cool off, I'm always here. I may not know the right thing to say, but I have food and drink."

Ruby shrugged as if that was the answer to every question, then turned on her heel and left Emma standing alone, feeling confused but glad. She at least had somewhere to go that was indoors when it all got a bit too overwhelming. Emma knew Ruby wouldn't judge her. And as she watched Ruby walk away, she realised she should have spoken to her sooner. She'd been neglecting everyone since the incident, and now she felt guilty.

Sighing, Emma ran a hand through her hair. She had a lot of relationships to heal.

Looking at the therapist's door, Emma took a deep breath and knocked.

Archie opened it, smiling. "Emma, welcome. Please come in." She nodded at him and walked through, sitting on the couch with her hands clasped over her knees. Archie took a seat opposite and opened his notepad. He regarded Emma's uncomfortable stance.

"Emma, it's ok. These sessions are confidential. I'm not going to judge you, or tell you whether you should or shouldn't feel something. I'm here to listen and help you figure things out."

Emma sighed. "Look Archie, you're a great person, really, but I don't like talking things out. It's never really helped in the past."

He simply smiled at this comment, choosing to ignore it. "I want to help you, Emma. Let's start with the living arrangements. How are they going?"

Emma leaned back into the couch in defeat. She was going to be forced to come here every week, so she might as well talk. It was better than sitting in awkward silence.

"Fine. I'll talk. But if I feel uncomfortable, I'm stopping. Ok?"

Archie nodded. He didn't say anything else, indicating that it was Emma's turn to talk.

"The living arrangements…I'll be blunt; they're not going well. I am constantly reminded of why I did what I did. I hate that I can never get away. And I hate how they're all acting; they smother me one minute and the next they forget I exist. Are you happy now?"

Emma glared at Archie once she'd finished. He simply polished his glasses for a moment before putting them back on his nose. "I'm not happy that you're not happy, Emma. I'm sorry that you feel that way. I would say that I think you need some time to yourself, a couple of times a day. Just go somewhere where there's no one else around. But why do you think they forget you exist? The whole arrangement is for you, and I'm sure that could never happen."

Emma stared at her hands for a long moment. "There are times when…I dunno, I guess they have more important things to worry about. Then I become second on their list. That's not going to change; I'll never be first for any of them. This arrangement is as much for them as it is for me. My parents particularly want to feel like they're helping. They want to be able to show people that they're doing something."

"It sounds as though you think their motives are selfish. Would you mind elaborating on that for me?"

Emma huffed out a breath, folding her arms across her chest. "They want to have the perfect daughter, and the perfect daughter doesn't come with mental problems. They want me to become like them– sickeningly happy. They want me to fulfil my role as the saviour and the product of true love, when I'm just a girl who got forced into a harsh world against her will. Nothing more, nothing less."

"You are much more than that, Emma. People respect you, look up to you and love you. You may not feel like the saviour but you have saved lives, and you did break the curse."

Emma looked wistfully out the window and sighed again. Archie furrowed his brow at the dejectedness he could see in Emma. It was as though she'd given up.

"Ok fine. I may have saved some people, and I broke the curse. But all I did was kiss Henry. It wasn't like I rode in on some steed and destroyed all the evil. And besides, I 'saved' everyone else; I never got saved. Everybody has their happy endings, and I don't. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy."

"Emma, please stop talking yourself down, this isn't going to help you. Of course you are meant to be happy. You have a son who loves you, along with parents who also love you. You are a strong person who has dealt with many hardships in your life but you have kept on going regardless. You must have hope. You are resilient, Emma. You will get your happy ending. Right now the fight may not seem worth it, but I assure you one day it will be."

"I don't know whether I believe in hope anymore," Emma whispered, tears starting to run down her face.

"It may not seem like there is any right now, but the future is always brighter. The only way you can go is up. Sufficed to say that you are at rock bottom right now. You know what they say: You have to hit rock bottom before you can get back up."

Archie wasn't sure of the actual saying, but it served its purpose. He watched as Emma's face, for a brief moment, lit up with a semblance of hope. It was fleeting, for sure, but it was there.

Emma, for her part, felt as though someone had sparked something within her. Maybe she could be happy one day? Unfortunately, a huge part of that happiness was no longer open to her. But maybe she could find something worth fighting for. She felt like she was grasping at tendrils, trying to find something tangible to grab onto. At the moment she had nothing.

Archie leaned forward. "Give it time, Emma. One day you will be happy. It probably won't be tomorrow, or the day after that, but there is hope."

Emma didn't know what to believe. She felt as though there was a war waging inside her mind. If the fight was too hard, Emma knew she would give in. She'd been fighting for so long now that she felt weary: in bones and in spirit.

She thought of all the people she loved, and how much damage she'd done to her relationships with them. She hadn't meant to hurt anybody, but of course she'd ended up doing so. She shook her head as she thought over everything.

"I know I've been acting selfish lately," she said slowly, "and I know I've been neglecting people. I guess I just feel like no one's ever fought for me. And now I suppose people are, but I just don't really know how to deal with that. And it's hard when they forget about me for a moment for something newer and more exciting. I know I have no right to want it, but I want to be fought for whole-heartedly. I want someone to be selfish about me. Does that make me a bad person?"

Archie's eyes were filled with sympathy. "Not at all," he said quietly. "You are not a bad person, Emma. You have been through some terrible things in your life, things the people close to you cannot understand. They do not know what level of pain your life has caused you. I am not you, so I don't understand fully either. All I want to do is help you to find happiness. That means working through your pain; facing it. I am not going to be naïve and think I can make it all go away, but I want you to be able to live without it dragging you down."

The clock on the mantelpiece chimed, signalling that the session was over.

"I'm afraid our time is up. I shall see you at our next session, which some of your family may be attending. I'm sorry if it will be too hard for you, but we'll see how the first one goes, shall we?"

Emma nodded, wiping her cheeks. She stood, said goodbye and left in a daze. Her mind was still in turmoil. She felt so lost and confused. Happiness had never been truly granted to her. Could she have it now? Was it worth the fight it would take, and was there even a happy ending waiting for her? Emma sighed as she walked out into the fresh air. She didn't know what to think.

"Ma? Will you play with me?" Henry held out a frisbee, looking at Emma slightly nervously. After Emma had returned from her appointment, they'd all sat outside, enjoying the pleasant day.

Emma smiled up at him, Archie's words ringing in her ears. "Of course, kid. I bet I can beat you though," she said with a wink.

He rolled his eyes. "No way! I'm so much better than you!"

Emma jumped up and faced him in a mock fighting stance. "Bring it on."

They threw the frisbee around, laughing heartily. Emma was better than Henry, but he had improved rapidly in the last few months and was giving her a fair fight. Snow and David smiled as they heard their daughter laugh genuinely. To their ears, it was the most beautiful sound. The smile on Emma's face reached her eyes, and she seemed lost in the moment as she played with Henry.

After Henry missed a particular shot, Emma danced around wildly. "I win!" she exclaimed. "I beat you, mister!" She ran towards him and started tickling him mercilessly. Henry tried to get away but ended up laughing and collapsing on the ground.

"Ok ok," he said, fighting off tears of laughter. "You win, Ma. I'll beat you next time, though."

Emma smirked. "In your dreams, kid."

Henry suddenly grinned mischievously. "How about one more round? This one doesn't have to count; I just want the practice." He looked at Emma pleadingly, who she didn't seem to notice the glint in his eye.

"Sure," she shrugged. "One more round can't hurt. Bring your best shot."

Henry scrambled up off the ground and grabbed the frisbee. He tried to recall all of Emma's tactics. He threw it so that it looked like it was going close to Emma's left side but at the last moment it spun wide, going an unreachable distance away from her. Emma lunged for it, but was too late. She fell and landed on her side with an 'oomph' bursting from her mouth as she hit the ground unexpectedly.

Henry was laughing uncontrollably at Emma's expression; she looked truly bewildered. She shook her head at her son in amusement and got up, but immediately after she clutched her stomach in pain and almost doubled over. "Shit," she muttered, feeling some of the cuts from earlier split from the jump and landing. She hadn't meant to cut as deeply as she did, but she clearly hadn't noticed what she was doing to herself.

"Ma? Are you ok?" Henry's nervous voice gained the attention of Snow, David and Regina, who hadn't been paying much attention before. They could see that Emma was in some pain, and Snow immediately got up and ran towards her, fear etched onto her face.

"Emma, are you alright? Are you hurt? Do you need an ambulance? I can get the first aid kit if you want. David?!"

Emma held out a hand and stood up fully, wincing as she did so. "Whoa. Hold the fire, Snow. I'm ok. I, uh, bashed my ribs earlier. Nothing serious. It just hurt when I landed on my side, y'know. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm fine, seriously." Emma tried to smile through it, but it came off as more of a grimace. The skin was still sensitive where her cuts were, and some were probably bleeding again. Great.

Snow relaxed a little. "Alright then, if you're sure. How about we start making dinner?"

Emma nodded. "Sure. I'm just going to go change into something more comfortable." She went quickly into the house and up to her room. Once there she took of her top and surveyed the damage with a groan. Most of the cuts were small, but there were a few that were deeper than they should have been.

"How did I do this to myself?" Emma mumbled. She didn't remember cutting that deep, and she hadn't even noticed it during the day. Her mind had been so full of pain and confusion that she didn't have time to think about it.

Sighing, Emma changed into sweatpants. She decided to do something about the cuts. They weren't that bad, but she felt she should at least clean them up or put plasters on them or something (that's what they did on tv, anyway). She found a first aid kit in the bathroom and tried to find something that would help. The only problem was, she'd never really used such a thing and didn't know where to start.

Emma was so engrossed in figuring out what to do that she didn't notice the sound of footsteps coming closer to her door. The door that she'd forgotten to lock.

Regina came up to check on Emma, since she'd been gone longer than expected. She assumed Emma was dressed and when she found the door was unlocked, opened it and poked her head around to see if Emma was there. What she saw however, made her blood run cold.

Emma was attempting to tend to some deep-looking cuts on her abdomen. When Regina looked, she could see a lot of smaller cuts that looked very fresh littering the rest of the blonde's stomach. She gasped as she realised what Emma had done. Hearing the sound, Emma's head snapped up and her jaw dropped in fear. She hadn't heard anybody approach, and now she was looking up at a scared and emotional Regina, whose eyes were trained on her very obviously self-inflicted wounds.

Regina came into the room and shut the door, locking it behind her. She faced Emma with tears in her eyes, as Emma remained frozen in the same position, various wipes and plasters scattered around her. She knelt down in front of the blonde, grasping her hands in her own, which seemed to snap Emma back into reality.

"Emma," Regina whispered, her voice full of sadness. "What are you doing?"

Emma gulped and looked away, trembling. There was such concern in Regina's eyes that it was overwhelming. She realised there was no point in lying now. It was very obvious what had happened.

"Emma. Did you…do this to yourself?" Emma couldn't look at Regina or speak in that moment, so just reverted to nodding, shutting her eyes tightly as though she wanted to disappear from the situation very badly at that moment.

Regina could see the pain etched onto Emma's face, and she could see the way she was shaking. She then looked at the cuts. They looked painful, but they weren't as bad as she had originally thought. Regina took a deep breath.

"I'm going to take care of this for you. I'm used to this kind of thing, so it will go a lot quicker. Is that alright?"

Emma nodded again, and Regina set to work. She had tended to every cut and bruise that Henry had ever got, so she knew what she was doing. She'd also had a number of nasty incidents in her own life. She could have healed the cuts with magic, but she didn't think Emma would want that. All of this indicated that Emma wanted to feel something, and if that happened to be physical pain at the moment, then Regina wasn't going to take that away. She would try to prevent it from happening again, but for now she let it be.

As she got a wipe out of the kit, she bit her lip nervously. "This is going to sting a bit."

She applied it to a cut and Emma immediately hissed in pain, grabbing onto Regina's forearms to brace herself against it. Regina stopped, looking at Emma. "I'm sorry, but I have to keep going. Will you be ok?" Emma nodded, but didn't remove her hands from Regina's arms, gripping tightly when she continued what she was doing. She worked with expertise, but incredible gentleness.

Regina said nothing about it. Although the circumstances were less than ideal, this was the first bit of real contact she'd had with Emma in months. She let Emma hold onto her, feeling as though she had been brought back to life in that moment. Emma's touch made her feel so alive in a way that no one else's ever had.

She finished what was needed and reluctantly released herself from Emma's hold. She stood awkwardly in front of her before turning to leave.

"Wait," came a small voice behind her. Regina turned to look and found Emma fidgeting and looking at her nervously. "Thank you."

Regina's heart melted in that moment. She smiled. "Of course. I won't tell your parents, you know. That is none of my business. But if you ever want to talk about it…I'm here." She turned and left the room, shutting the door behind her. She braced herself against the wall as she let a few tears slide down her face.

"My Emma," she whispered. "I will save you, just as you have saved me."