I am so so sorry for taking so long to update! My dad was in hospital for a while which was super stressful and then I came back to uni, so it's all been a bit hectic. I've got myself together now and will make sure to update more frequently! Thanks for being patient :)

Disclaimer: I don't own OUAT or any of its characters.

Chapter 10

Emma awoke with a start, shaking. Her nightmares had got much worse over the past few days. Dredging up old memories never did her sleeping any good.

Thankfully and miraculously, Snow and David seemed to have got the hint about the name Mark. Goodness knows why it took them and Regina so long to figure out, but something seemed to have clicked. It was no longer included in their list, and they didn't pry.

Emma sighed, running her hands through her hair. Perhaps it was better that they didn't ask. She didn't want their pity, and she knew they would all blame themselves for what had happened to her in her life. Even though Emma still blamed them for some things, it wouldn't do to have an emotional Snow about the house.

Looking over at the clock, Emma acknowledged the time with a groan. 2am. She shouldn't have been awake, but the blasted nightmares wouldn't leave her alone.

She got up and stretched, not feeling at all rested, and decided to go downstairs. After the nightmares there was no way she was going back to sleep, and having a drink always seemed to comfort Emma when she was down.

The house was eerily quiet as Emma walked through the corridor. Usually she could hear David or Henry snoring, but it seemed as though they had both managed to be quiet tonight. The silence was promptly broken however by Emma's cursing as she stubbed her toe on the bannister at the top of the stairs. She rubbed it, wincing at the pain.

After waiting a while to check she hadn't woken anybody, Emma stealthily made her way downstairs, careful not to trip on anything or injure anything else. She made it to the kitchen safely and relaxed as she poured herself a glass of water.

As the liquid ran down her throat, Emma sighed in relief feeling calm wash over her. She was awake, she was in Storybrooke, and she was fine. Well, physically speaking.

The moon shone through the kitchen window, illuminating the smooth granite of the island in the middle. Emma traced its outline absentmindedly, her eyes glazing over.

She didn't hear the quiet padding of footsteps on the stairs, or the small intake of breath from the person behind her.

What brought her out of her reverie was the softly spoken "Emma?" that seemed deafening in the silent kitchen.

Emma spun round in shock, thankful that she had put her glass down or she would have dropped it. Regina stood in the doorway with a hesitant expression. She looked remarkably awake for two in the morning, but still wary as she eyed Emma with apprehension.

Emma regained her senses and swallowed nervously. Remembering there were others in the house, she also spoke softly.

"Regina. What are you doing up?"

"I might ask you the same question," replied Regina with an amused smile. At Emma's sheepish expression she chuckled. "I didn't get to sleep at all tonight actually, there was too much on my mind. I heard a noise outside my bedroom and figured you had gone downstairs, so I came to talk to you. I hope you don't mind," she added hastily, picking at the sleeve of her robe with obvious and uncharacteristic nervousness.

Emma shook her head. "No that's fine. Although I apologise for the noise…" she blushed slightly as she remembered the choice words she had employed at the top of the stairs.

Regina inclined her head with a smile. "An what, pray tell, are you doing up at this hour Emma?"

Emma gulped nervously. Running a hand through her hair, she exhaled slightly shakily, then shrugged.

"I couldn't sleep either. I guess I had a lot on my mind too. It's been a crazy few weeks, y'know?"

Regina nodded but her eyes narrowed, suggesting she knew exactly what Emma was hiding. She didn't ask however, and walked around to the freezer where she pulled out a tub of ice cream. She retrieved two spoons and handed one to a very shocked Emma.

At Emma's questioning expression, Regina rolled her eyes. "It's low fat," she said by way of explanation. "Are you going to eat it or just stare at it?"

Emma shot a glare her way but reluctantly moved forward. She tasted a spoonful with a doubtful expression on her face, but gave in immediately when she tasted it.

"For low fat," Emma said between mouthfuls, "this is very good."

Regina's only acknowledgement was a smirk.

After they had devoured most of the tub of ice cream Regina put it away with a wistful expression, and Emma had to hide a smile behind her hand. Regina normally didn't indulge in things like ice cream, but sometimes she 'went wild' in her own way and had half a tub.

They stood in silence for a few minutes, but the atmosphere quickly transitioned from calm to tense. Emma had feared the talk she would need to have with Regina about their relationship, and unfortunately it seemed like now was the time.

As if reading Emma's mind, Regina sighed. "Now is a good a time as any. But we can put it off, if you really want." She fidgeted nervously, waiting for a response. Emma mimicked her stance, wishing she were anywhere else but there at the moment.

"N-no, it's fine. It has to happen sooner or later, I guess."

Regina relaxed at this. "Well, how about we go somewhere more private? I wouldn't want anyone to overhear our conversation during potential night-time wanderings."

Emma nodded and Regina started leaving the room, motioning for her to follow. They went upstairs and Emma raised an eyebrow in surprise when they entered her own room. Regina shut the door and murmured a few spells so that they couldn't be overheard.

"I thought you might be more comfortable in here," she said hesitantly. "We can go somewhere else if you want."

Emma shook her head and sat on the bed with her legs crossed. "Here is fine."

Regina pulled up a chair and sat opposite Emma, not meeting her eyes. Her hands were shaking slightly as she ran them through her hair. Taking a deep breath, she began speaking.

"Emma. I don't really know where to start. I know it's too late and it might not mean anything to you, but I-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know that a lot of this is my fault. I hurt you terribly, and I ignored you and demeaned you. I can never make up for what I did."

She looked into Emma's eyes, and finding nothing to make her stop, she continued.

"I remember the day this all started. How could I not? I broke your heart. But I also broke mine. You said I was lying to you when I said I didn't love you. And I was. I was lying to you and myself that day, and many days after that. I lied to protect myself. I thought that if I opened myself up to love again it would get taken from me, like it always has. But the day you nearly…well. It made me see things more clearly."

Regina wiped a few tears from her cheeks, inhaling deeply as if to give herself courage.

"I realised that I love you. I love you so much, Emma. And I have for a long time. My heart has probably been yours since the day I first laid eyes on you. And I wish I could say that I would never hurt you, but I already have. I trampled on your heart and destroyed mine. I lashed out because I was scared. And I know that's no excuse, but I was, because saying that makes it real, like it's forever."

She leaned forward and gently grasped one of Emma's hands in her own.

"But even though I'm scared, I realised that I want that. I want forever with you, Emma. I want to love and cherish you for the rest of our lives, if you'll let me. I won't let fear get in the way of your or my happiness ever again. And I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying to make it up to you and show you how beautiful you are. I freely give you my heart, Emma. You do not have to give me yours, but if you do, I will make sure it is treasured like it should be. I love you, Emma."

Emma could only blink in shock. That was quite a speech, and she had no idea how to respond. She hadn't been expecting that at all. She opened her mouth and closed it several times, trying to get words out, but nothing came. Regina sensed her astonishment and gave a small, sad smile.

"I'm going to go and let you process all this, as I'm sure it was a lot to take in. Perhaps in a few days you will tell me your thoughts. For now, goodnight."

Regina stood up then hesitantly yet lovingly caressed Emma's cheek. With tears falling from her eyes she whispered, "I love you" one more time before exiting the room, leaving it in silence.

Emma tried to shake herself out of her stupor, but she couldn't. What on earth had just happened?

The night hadn't really made things any clearer for Emma. She lay awake for hours trying to decipher Regina's words. They had seemed completely sincere. Regina loved her. She loved her.

That brought a smile to Emma's face and made butterflies dance in her stomach. But it was always tempered with the harsh light of reality. Regina had hurt her badly. She had ripped out her heart and trodden on it. She had made Emma feel completely worthless.

But at the same time, Emma could tell Regina was sorry. She seemed to know exactly what she had done and wanted to make up for it. But the idea of a relationship again…that was too much at present. Emma felt she would need to gain Regina's trust first and foremost, if they were to get back together or even be just friends.

Looking over at the clock for about the hundredth time that day, Emma groaned again. It was now 8am. She'd have to be up soon and face Regina. Of course, she had a few days to mull things over, but it was impossible for things to not be awkward after their talk. And Snow would guess something was up. Then all hell would break loose.

Emma reluctantly got out of bed and changed her clothes. She hoped to persuade her parents to let her work today. David was still technically Sherriff, and after taking some time off to be with Emma he was now back at work. Being out of the godforsaken house they were currently in would be a welcome distraction from the turmoil of her mind. With a firm determination, she went downstairs in search of her parents.

On entering the kitchen she found Henry sulking, a clearly annoyed Regina, an amused David and a worried Snow. She looked at all of their faces, the time, and then raised an eyebrow.

"What on earth happened here?" she inquired, stepping around the tension in the room to make a coffee.

Regina looked at her son. "It's Monday, and the school holidays are over so Henry has to go back to school."

Henry lifted his head up and glared at Regina. "I don't want to go back! I want to look after Ma!"

Emma sighed. She walked over to Henry and brought him into a one armed hug. "Henry, I know you want to look after me, but I'll be ok. Your education is really important, you know that. You can't avoid school. And in fact, I've decided to go into the station today. I need to get a semblance of normal life back, and sitting here all day won't help me. So what do you say we both brave the world today, hmm?"

Henry thought this over for a minute, then smiled and nodded. "Ok, if you're sure. You'll be ok today?"

Emma ignored Snow and David's stares and nodded. "Yup, I sure will. I think it's time for me to try and become myself again."

She pulled Henry into a proper hug and then proceeded to make breakfast like nothing had happened. Snow and David wouldn't like it, but it was time. It was time to try and return to normal, even though normal would forever be changed.

David's truck pulled up outside the Sheriff's station. After a mini-argument with her parents, Emma had managed to convince them to let her go into work. It had been surprisingly easy.

As they entered the station, Emma dug her nails into her palms fiercely to control her emotions. It had not been a place for happy memories the past few months, and it had been many weeks since she had actually been in there. Trying to push these thoughts aside, Emma flopped into the seat by the spare desk. She drummed her fingers on the table top.

"So…what shall I do?"

David chuckled at the question, and drew out various papers and files from his desk. He strode over to where Emma was sitting and dropped them with a loud thunk onto the table.

"I remember how much you like paperwork," he said, eyes glinting mischievously. "Enjoy."

Emma groaned. She absolutely loathed paperwork. It was so monotonous and pretty much pointless in a place like Storybrooke. Well, she thought grimly. I did ask for this.

The paperwork kept Emma occupied for the best part of three hours. It all concerned complaints and incidents from around the town. Mostly these were things like Pongo running away again or cats getting stuck in trees.

Just as Emma was about to take a well-deserved lunch break, the next file caught her eye. It had her name on it.

Checking that David was occupied with his own work, Emma cautiously opened the file. She was met with several pages of incidents that she was responsible for. There were some for damaging town property, being drunken and disorderly, and even harassing several residents.

Shame boiled up in Emma like lava. How could she have done these things? She had ben so caught up in her own misery and so completely drunk in the months before her attempted suicide that she hadn't really considered what she'd been doing to others, or how she'd been affecting the town.

Tears began to prick at her eyelids but she forced them away. She also forced herself to look through every single item in that file. She noted the incidents in her mind, determined to make things right for each one. She sighed, putting her head in her hands. Everything was a pretty fucked up mess right now.

She hid the file amongst the others then proceeded to take a break. She walked over to Granny's slowly, having decided to go alone. She needed to reintegrate herself into the world again, no matter how painful it was.

The stares around town had calmed down a lot now, but she still received a few gaping stares as she entered. Emma resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Some people in Storybrooke were infuriating.

When Ruby came to take her order, Emma realised that one of the places she had been disruptive and caused damage was in fact at Granny's. Her eyes widened and she gripped the table so hard her knuckles turned white. Everything was completely messed up. She had hurt people and caused destruction, but she had been and was hurting so much. No one really understood what she had been going through, and those who saw that kind of behaviour probably just wrote her off as just emotional or crazy. And that was so far from the truth.

She was broken and damaged. It was like she had been ripped from her true self. She felt like her mind was constantly cloudy, like the hazy fog of depression was invading her every thought. She had dealt with it the only way she could —destroying herself. And it hadn't worked at all. It had just exacerbated the problem to the degree that she didn't know how to start fixing it.

Her rage, her sadness, her behaviour were all a way of coping. They weren't a wrong way of doing things; they were hers. And no one could judge her for it. No one could tell her to act in a different manner or 'control' herself. No one truly understood, as no one had experienced exactly what she had. If Emma knew anything, it was that people dealt with depression differently. Every single person had a different response.

She hoped there was a way out this time that involved living her life.

Emma was suddenly aware of a hand waving in front of her face. Ruby was still standing there, looking concerned. Emma blinked and shook her head, realising that she had spaced out in the middle of Granny's. She forced a smile.

"Sorry Rubes, I guess I just got caught up in my thoughts. The usual, please."

Ruby didn't look convinced but nodded and walked away anyway. Emma relaxed into the booth chair, her mind on what she'd read earlier.

David obviously didn't know what was in the pile of files he had given her. She didn't doubt that if he had, he would have removed it. She decided to slip it back into his own pile when he wasn't there. It wouldn't do to have him worrying about it.

The door chimed open and to Emma's surprise, Regina walked in. She spotted Emma immediately, and hesitantly walked up to the booth, trying to gauge whether or not she was welcome.

Emma indicated the space opposite her. Regina smiled and gracefully sat down, ordering her usual salad.

"So, you went back to work today too?" Emma asked, picking at her sleeve.

Regina chuckled. "I haven't been completely absent from work recently. I've been going in almost everyday and doing other business by phone, as well as completing paperwork. But I suppose in a full-time sense, then yes I have."

Emma smiled a small smile and began to eat her food that Ruby had just delivered. The silence was quite tense but Regina broke it after a few moments, clearly feeling as uncomfortable as Emma.

"How is your first day going?" she asked lightly, although Emma could tell she was really curious.

Emma shrugged. "It's ok. David's got me doing loads of paperwork. I forgot how much I hated it, to be honest."

Regina laughed but then sobered as a flash of sadness crossed Emma's eyes. Emma couldn't stop thinking of the files. She knew she needed to try and forget it. The incidents were in the past, after all. But a voice in her head kept reminding her of what she had done.

This inner conflict was remarkably well hidden behind Emma's usual emotional mask, but Regina knew her better than anyone and could tell something was up.

"Are you alright, Emma? You seem distracted."

Emma sighed. She knew Regina could tell she wasn't ok, and she knew Regina would be able to detect a lie. That was the downside of knowing somebody so well; they could read you like an open book.

"Well, there is something." Emma pushed her plate away and wrung her hands together nervously.

"One of the files David asked me to look through was…mine."

Regina raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean it was 'yours'?"

"It contained all of the…infractions I've committed in Storybrooke in the past few months. What I've damaged, how I've behaved, everything. It shook me a little, I guess."

Shock flitted across Regina's face for a moment before it was hidden behind polite curiosity.

"What was it exactly that shook you Emma?" she asked gently. She made a move to place her hand atop Emma's but at the last minute seemed to change her mind and awkwardly ran a hand through her hair instead.

Emma leaned back against the booth, shoulders slumped. "I'm just really confused, I guess. I feel guilty about everything that happened, but at the same time angry that I'm being blamed for something that was out of my control. I can't control my mind, especially in a situation like this. But the fact that it actually did some damage…I can't deal with this. I don't know how to fix my life."

Regina's eyes filled with tears. "Oh Emma," she said, actually grasping her hand this time. "Nobody blames you for that. Others might not understand, but I assure you that I'm trying to. I don't know how to fix things either, but I know that I want to. And I think you do too."

Emma smiled weakly. Regina's eyes were shining with love and concern. For this brief moment in time her mask was completely gone, leaving only her sincere feelings completely open to Emma.

Emma looked at Regina in awe. She was showing so much adoration and love for her, for Emma, that she couldn't believe it. In that moment she knew Regina had been telling the truth when she'd said she loved her. There was no denying it anymore.

Emma felt butterflies go wild in her stomach. Oh dear, she thought. What have I got myself into?