Eight:
No Such Thing as Normal

Harry went to work, Daisy went to school, Malcolm went to the market, and Ruth made friends with the cats again. Scarlett was sweet as ever, licking her eagerly and loving on her with dog-like devotion, but the cats… the cats were pissy because she'd left them.

Jamie and Rose went out into the garden to play together, and she watched them from the window with a smile on her lips as they ran around amongst the snowflakes that fluttered down around them. After a while, Rose brought Jamie inside and said, "Let's get the good chocolate and make hot chocolate the way mum likes it, okay?"

"Yes," Jamie agreed breathlessly, happily, a smile on his face. "It's cold outside, mummy."

"Yes, it is," Ruth agreed with a small smile. "Did you and Rose have fun?"

"Uh-huh," he said, crawling up onto one of the kitchen chairs that was too high off the ground for him. He grunted and had to work hard at it, and by the time he was seated, his little feet were swinging wildly off the ground. Scarlett came trotting into the room for her food and Jamie stiffened. "Mummy, the doggy is there," he said in a scared voice.

"Scarlett won't hurt you," Ruth assured him gently.

Scarlett proved the point by running over to Ruth and licking her hand before heading off to her bowl for food and water.

Fidget stalked through the kitchen and disappeared into the laundry room with Lily on his heels. Rose laughed and said, "Darcy must be stalking them again. She's adorable but such an evil little brat."

And on cue, Darcy skittered into the kitchen, careening around the adult cats before looking bewildered when they buggered off and left her alone. She mewled, then went to wind her way around Rose's feet.

Rose poured three cups of hot chocolate and used the cooking scissors to cut pieces of French marshmallow off into them. It was still a tradition, still them, after all this time. She was passing it on, keeping it alive, and it made Ruth want to cry.

Rose set a mug down in front of Jamie. "Careful," she warned. "It's really hot. You don't want to burn your mouth."

Jamie, in all of his innocence, blew on it, watching the marshmallow dance around his cup with a giggle. Ruth loved it when he laughed, when he smiled, because he was just like Harry then.

They were just about to settle in with their treat when the doorbell rang. Rose motioned for Ruth to stay put. "I've got it, mum," she said. "Not many – if any – people know you're back."

When she came back, she was trailing Ros in her wake. Ruth blinked a couple of times, then smiled. Ros's hair was shorter than it had been, and she was just as rail-thin as ever, but there were a few changes that were visible to the naked eye.

"Ruth," Ros said by way of greeting, slightly frosty, but not entirely icy.

"Ros," Ruth replied in kind.

Jamie looked up at Ros and said, "Mummy, who's that?"

"This," Ruth said, "is Ros – she worked with mummy and daddy before you were born."

"I see you did well for yourself," Ros commented wryly, "once away from us."

Ruth nodded and reached over to wipe some foamy chocolate off of Jamie's cheek. "Ros, this is Jamie – the love of my life."

Ros smiled a bit, wonderously, and said, "Ruth, I need to speak with you. Can Rose watch him so we might take a walk?"

"Of course, Aunt Ros," Rose said. "Take all the time you need – Uncle Malcolm should be back from the market soon. We're having shepherd's pie tonight if you want to come for dinner."

Ruth leaned down and kissed the top of Jamie's head. "Be good for Rose," she said softly. "Ask her to read you a story when you're done with your chocolate, love."

"Okay, mummy," Jamie agreed.

Ruth headed out to the entryway where the coats were all up on their hooks. She said, "I still have your coat, Ros."

"Throw it away," Ros said sagely. "I've replaced it twice over now."

Disposable, transitory, the definition of their existence as spooks. It was something Ruth had never intended for her life to become, but by requesting her secondment from GCHQ, it had become the very embodiment of her life. She got her coat on and tugged on her gloves as well. If it was still flurrying, it would be chilly.

They walked to the park just a few minutes away, and settled in on a bench. Ros looked over at her and said, "I didn't know you and Harry had been trying for a baby."

"We kept it quiet," Ruth said with a sigh, "because we kept being disappointed. I had an implantation just a couple of days before Maudsley went down." She glanced over at Ros and said, "But that's not why we're here, is it?"

"I need you to consider coming back to Section D," Ros said.

"No," Ruth replied. "My place is with my children right now –"

Ros nodded and said, "Yes. I know. Believe me, I understand that better than you might think." She pulled a necklace from around her neck and flicked open the locket, handing it over. "Her name is Emma. Emma Lawrence." A picture of a smiling, toothless baby with a big white bow and non-existent (or rather just platinum blonde?) hair greeted Ruth's gaze. "If I didn't think it was worth it, I wouldn't have come back at all. After all… Section D managed to get her father killed. I spent the first two months in TRING, but I'm stronger than anyone thinks."

"You have to be, to survive," Ruth said softly. "Did you love him?"

"I didn't just sleep with him," Ros said quietly, and Ruth noticed she was twisting a ring around her left ring finger – a wedding band. "Everyone asks that. Yes, I was originally a honey trap, but there was a moment when I knew he wasn't a part of what we thought he was, and in that moment, I let myself fall in love with him." It was intensely personal, intensely private, but Ruth knew Ros was opening up to her because she understood; no matter what else had happened between them, Ruth knew sacrifice and pain. "And he was in love with me. It was fast, it was intense, it was a bit of a whirlwind, to be honest. But I wouldn't take it back – aside from the bit where we only had seven months together."

Ruth blanched a little. "Oh god, Ros – I'm so sorry –"

Ros shook her head. "No one needs to be sorry." She took a deep breath and said, "As Section Chief, I made the decision to get the Pakistani President out of the hotel first. I blame Section D because… I can't keep blaming myself." She glanced over at Ruth and smiled, a hint of bitterness twitching at her lips. "I have Emma to look after, now, you know."

"There's no one to blame aside from the people who were in Nightingale," Ruth said.

Ros sighed. "I… I wish things were different. That I wasn't alone in this." She looked over at Ruth and said, "He was looking forward to having a family together, so much. His mum is incredibly good about the fact that I'm still here and he's not, but I know she's silently judging me for not trying harder to get him out of that hotel."

"You tried as hard as you could," Ruth said softly. "He knew what you all were up against –"

"He made me go," Ros whispered. "I wasn't going to leave him. But he forced me to go."

Ruth wanted to reach over and comfort Ros, but she knew it wouldn't be taken well. "You have no idea how difficult it was for me to leave Harry that morning," she said softly. "Like a piece of me would be forever missing."

"Yes," Ros said quietly. "Like that. Exactly like that." She glanced over at Ruth. "Harry doesn't know I'm here," she admitted. "I'm sure he'd be very pleased if you stayed at home and played mummy. But I'm here. And I'm asking you to come back to Section D."

"So much has changed –"

"Yes," Ros agreed. "People come and go, but Section D is forever."

"Adam, Zaf, Jo –"

Ros flinched. "Yes," she said with a frown.

Ruth said, "You can't guarantee that I would come home every day."

"You can't guarantee that something dreadful won't happen when you go to Tesco," Ros pointed out. "Usually it involves a wallet and some ghastly kid's food or another. Or nappies. Bloody nappies. I'll be so glad when Emma's potty trained."

Ruth said, "Yes, but then she'll be running around and always asking questions and –"

Ros shot back acerbically, "Well, you seem to manage."

Ruth rolled her eyes heavenward, and sighed. "I'll think about coming back," she said. "But not until Jamie is comfortable here."

"I'm not asking you because we're friends… or because we share a history," Ros stipulated. "I'm asking because you're Ruth Evershed and you were the best analyst Section D ever employed. I'm making a tactical decision."

There was a long pause, and Ruth finally broke it with a quiet, "Thank you for that." She reached over and held Ros's hand for just a fleeting moment, then pulled away. "I wish I could have known the man that melted your heart."

Ros smiled sadly. "He would've fallen for you instead of me," she joked wanly.

"And Harry would have put him firmly into his place," Ruth replied. "Come on – I'll make you a coffee to warm you up."

"I should get back to the Grid," Ros said. "Dragons to slay and all that –"

"The dragons will wait," Ruth said. "They always do."

END PART EIGHT