A/N: Sorry for the delay, readers! I went on vacation for the first time in three years! But I'm back, so on with the story. Now that Mary has her memory back - what exactly does she remember? With the morning after comes - angst. Language and tissue warning for this chapter.

"You've been havin' real bad dreams,
You used to lie so close to me,
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love,

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again."

-PINK

The clap of thunder directly overheard snapped Mary's eyes open and for a moment, she blinked in the darkness of her bedroom in confusion as the dream faded from her consciousness. She remembered being on a bus, looking out the window as the miles passed by listening to her Walkman and then- what? She shifted slightly in bed and her casted lower leg came in contact with another person and she froze. Raph? Wasn't he supposed to be on the road with the team?

A flash of lightning illuminated the room just as she turned her head and caught sight of Marshall's sleeping profile. Panic blossomed in her gut before more recent memories flooded her mind and she relaxed into her husband, lifting his arm to curl around her middle. She remembered how he had always given her space while she slept, unlike Raph who clung to her back like a second skin. Marshall stayed close, never retreating to the edge of the bed, which allowed her to choose when and if she wanted to pull him closer during the night. Like now.

She rolled over and buried her head in his bare chest, inhaling the scent that was uniquely him and letting herself relax for the first time in years. Raph wasn't the first man she had slept with since leaving Marshall and Will, but he was the first man she had let into her bed. The others had been more of a way of blowing off steam but had never evolved into an actual dating relationship. Raph, however, had been persistent and had refused to let her leave his apartment without her phone number and before she could change it, he had called and she had grudgingly agreed to go on a date with him. Mary closed her eyes, wishing she could block out the memories as easily. She should have never encouraged him. Something inside of her had known that something wasn't right – that it was somehow wrong to get involved with him. But of course she had shrugged those thoughts off for a little sexual release and pleasure now and then. It was easy to ignore the fact that she could never seem to completely relax in his presence because she couldn't relax in any man's presence. And if he sometimes hurt her during sex – well, whoever said it wasn't supposed to hurt?

"Mary?"

She startled at the sound of Marshall's voice. She'd been so lost in her memories that she hadn't realized he'd woken up. Tilting her head back, she met his eyes, which were surprisingly clear and full of concern.

"How long have you been awake?"

"I'm a light sleeper – the storm woke me about an hour ago. I've been drifting in and out but your touch pulled me back to consciousness again."

"Sorry-"

He trailed a finger down her cheek and frowned at the wetness he felt. "Don't be – what's wrong?"

"I'm fine-"

"Bull shit, Mer. Are we really going to do this song and dance number again?"

"I'm not following you."

He sighed. "Our wedding night? I woke up in bed alone only to find you watching a thunderstorm, crying. This feels like déjà vu to me."

"I'm not crying."

"Your cheek is wet."

"Maybe it's sweat – you gave me a rough ride, cowboy."

"That was three hours ago – I think you've recovered by now. Are you going to tell me what's on your mind or do I need to assume I'm lacking in the-"

Her lips covered his in a fierce kiss which he allowed for several seconds before pushing her back. "Mary – this isn't going to solve anything. Talk to me."

"I will – I just wanted to let you know that this has nothing to do with you – it's me. It's all me. I – I'm broken, Marshall."

His frown grew deeper. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh God," Mary rolled away from him and curled herself into a ball. "I should have told you all this before we had sex – and definitely before you put my ring back on my finger."

He sat up in bed, running a hand through his hair. "You're scaring me. Are you saying you don't want – that you do want to sign-"

She shot up in bed to place a hand on his chest. "NO! I'm going to burn those papers the first chance I get and if I have anything to say about it this ring is never coming off my finger again." She bit her lower lip. "But – you may not feel the same way after I tell you what I need to tell you."

Marshall placed a pillow behind his back and leaned against the wall. "So tell me."

She cleared her throat and licked her lips, attempting to moisten her mouth and gather her thoughts. Deciding that it was best just to bite the head off the snake, she blurted, "Raph wasn't the only one."

Marshall waited for her to say more, but when she didn't, he shook his head. "I don't understand – he wasn't your only what? Fiancé? Boyfriend? Lover?"

She nodded, refusing to meet his eyes. "Raph was my only fiancé, yes. But there were other men that I – had sex with to – relieve stress."

He flinched as the words hit him like a thousand tiny stinging insects that burrowed under his skin and he didn't know how he'd ever get them out. There was a strange humming sound in his ears as her words echoed round and round his brain until he shook his head violently to make them stop.

"How many?" he whispered.

"I don't – does it matter?"

His eyes fluttered shut and he pinched the bridge of his nose. He took several deep breaths before he whispered. "No, I don't suppose it does."

An uncomfortable silence fell between them, broken only by the raging thunderstorm outside. Mary didn't have time to reflect on the irony though as Marshall flipped back the covers and reached for his pajama pants.

"Marshall? Are you leaving?"

He turned back to her with an unreadable expression on his face but his eyes – one look at them and she wanted to weep. "I'm not getting dressed, Mer. I – I just need a little space. Are you hungry?"

She shook her head. "Not really."

He shrugged. "Me either but it will give us both some time to collect our thoughts and hopefully not say something hurtful that we'll regret later. Why don't you take a shower and I'll make us some food."

"I don't think I have anything-"

"I bought groceries yesterday."

She smiled sadly. "You're still taking care of me." Standing, she wrapped the sheet around her and walked towards the bathroom. "You'll be here when I get out?"

Words failed him but he managed a tight nod as Mary disappeared into the bathroom.

Marshall went through the motions of making breakfast without really focusing on what he was doing. Years of getting up early to make school lunches, feed his son, and get him out the door when he himself had literally just walked in the door two hours before came in handy now as his hands performed the routine tasks while his head spun and his heart ached.

He was in love with Mary – that was the one undeniable fact that he couldn't change. Since the day the two of them had collided in Jersey Joe's, his life had never been his own – it had been entwined with hers. Living without her all these years had been living half a life, even though he'd had Will, the best parts of them both.

They had rushed last night. In the harsh light of the morning, Marshall knew that. He should have been able to control his body's urges – but his emotions had been all over the map after discovering that their fathers had known each other in high school and then when Mary remembered everything –

Marshall shook his head. What had he expected? Mary had been engaged less than a week ago to another man – did he really think that Raph was the only one she'd had sex with since they'd been apart? Mary was a very passionate, sensual woman that needed – again, his eyes fluttered shut against the pain. He needed to get his emotions under control. He knew Mary needed to talk to him about this but he didn't know if he could listen to her tell him about other men touching her – kissing her – loving her when he was-

The glass he was holding in his hand shattered into pieces and blood trickled from the miniscule cuts. He swore under his breath and he heard the shower turn off as he held his hand over the sink and began to pick out pieces of glass, wondering where Mary kept her first aid kit. He'd just finished picking out all the ones he could find when he heard her footfalls behind him.

"Something smells-" her voice broke off and he knew she had seen the broken glass on the floor. "Marshall?"

He didn't turn around but waved at her with his uninjured hand. "I'm fine – just a little culinary accident."

"I'm not a chef, but doesn't that usually happen with a knife?" She moved to his side and peered down into the sink, letting out a soft gasp at the sight of his hand. "What happened?"

"A glass broke."

She studied his face for a long moment but he refused to meet her gaze. She produced a cloth from somewhere, got it wet and wrapped it around his still bleeding hand. "Come on, I have a first aid kit in my bathroom."

Mary closed the lid of her toilet and pushed Marshall down to sit on it while she hunted for the first aid kit she rarely used. Finally locating it under the sink, she turned to see that Marshall had closed his eyes and was leaning his head against the wall wearily, his wrapped injured hand cradled in his lap.

"This is probably going to sting like a mother fucker," she warned as she uncapped the bottle of betadine. She waited for him to make some sign of acknowledgement but it was as if the man had turned into a statue. With more force than necessary, she swapped and cleaned the multiple cuts, deriving a private satisfaction when he winced once or twice. She sterilized a pair of tweezers and picked up the magnifying glass that she had unearthed from her junk drawer. Scanning his hand, she frowned. "There are some tiny pieces of glass still in there – you or me, Marshall?"

"Just do it."

Sitting on the edge of her tub, Mary drew his hand into her lap and this time she was as gentle as possible as she probed and pulled out glass with the tweezers. Her mouth tightened with every jerk of his shoulders in reaction to her questing fingers. She didn't have to ask what Marshall had been thinking about to cause him to become so enraged he had shattered a glass with his bare hand. She knew her news would hurt him – possibly cause him to want to sign the divorce papers but she didn't think he would resort to caveman like actions about it. She knew he would never physically hurt her – but punch a wall or break a glass? She supposed she shouldn't have been surprised after the way he had come charging to her rescue yesterday with Raph.

"Mary?"

She jumped. "What?"

"Is the piece out? You've been digging in the same spot for the last five minutes."

She withdrew the tweezers guiltily, her face flushing. "Sorry – I think I got them all but we should have someone look at it when we're at the hospital later."

He withdrew his hand, cradling it to his chest. "I'm sure it's fine."

She stood and angrily threw the tweezers into the sink, listening as they landed with a plink against the porcelain. "Do you mind if I wrap your hand so you don't go bleeding all over my house? Or are you going to insist that you don't need a bandage either?"

"Mary-" he sighed as he opened his legs and snagged her wrist, pulling her into him. "Of course my hand needs to be dressed and that's something I can't really do one handed, so if you wouldn't mind-"

She quirked an eyebrow. "And if I did? What if I just left you sitting here and went to the hospital to see Will?"

"Visiting hours aren't open yet."

She yanked her hand out of his grasp as she reached for gauze pads, wrapping, and tape. "You have an answer for everything, don't you?"

He shook his head. "Not everything."

Her eyes met his and she swallowed hard. "I didn't know I was married."

"But I did."

Mary dropped the gauze she was holding as her mouth fell open. "What are you talking about?"

"I knew you were married. I knew where you were. I could have come and found you years ago – told you about us and Will. Then everything-"

Mary cut him off with a short, sharp laugh. "Then everything what? Would have been perfect? We would have kissed and fallen into each other's arms like the end of some fucking movie? That's not how real life works, String Bean."

She stared at him in disbelief and he couldn't help but smile slightly as she used nearly the exact same words he had when talking with Will not that long ago. And yet here they were, the morning after having wild sex – and her ring was back on her finger. But they were standing on the edge of cliff and there was no telling how long it was going to stay on her finger or if they could step back from this precipice without breaking their necks.

"You would have known the truth so much sooner. You and Raph would never have gotten together - he would never have had the opportunity to hurt you to say nothing of those other men you-" he stopped, unable to force the words past the lump of emotion in his throat.

"You can't protect me from the big bad world – I was very good at taking care of myself before you came along and I managed just fine after you too."

"But you don't have to-"

"Marshall! I don't need a protector – I just need you, all right?"

"And that's why I should have come sooner. I stayed away in some crazy misguided notion to protect my heart and shield Will in case you really didn't – but I should have trusted you. The guilt is mine."

She slapped a piece of tape across his bandage. "So – all my one night stands – my cheating on you – that's your fault? Do you have any idea how fucked up that sounds? Marshall, I'm a big girl and I'm responsible for my own actions."

He placed his good hand on her hip and tugged her towards him. Mary fought the smile tugging at her lips as he guided her down to sit on his lap.

"Can we continue this discussion elsewhere?"

"What's wrong with the bathroom?"

"We're sitting on the toilet, Marshall."

He kissed her temple. "You clean up in here and I'll get our breakfast and meet you back in bed."

"Seriously – food? I, for one, have completely lost my appetite."

"Hey, I cooked and you're going to eat it, woman."

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, Dad."

Mary tried hard to eat the delicious omelet that Marshall had gone to the trouble of making but after three bites her stomach rebelled and she ended up just pushing the remainder of it around her plate, waiting for him to finish.

"Are you going to eat that?"

She looked up to see that his plate was empty and gave a tight smile. "No, do you want it?"

He shook his head as he reached for her plate and placed it on top of his, stacking them on the tray he brought into the bedroom. She watched him take another sip of orange juice, waiting for him to say something but when he remained silent, she growled in frustration. "Are we going to talk about this or –"

"You're the one that brought it up, Mer. I'm in the dark here, waiting for you."

"Damn it, Marshall. Don't you dare play the martyr card with me – it doesn't suit you. Things wouldn't have turned out differently if you had come and found me sooner-"

"You don't know that."

She bit back a scream. "How long have you known? When exactly did you rake the system and find out where I was?"

Marshall's eyes skittered away from hers. "Brandi came to me before her wedding – she wanted you there so much, even after all the years apart. So I promised her that I would do all I could to find you and that's when I searched the system and found out you were a Marshal and living in Chicago at the time. But this was six years ago and Will was only twelve, so I decided not to tell him. I just told Brandi-"

"She never called," Mary whispered, her throat tight with emotion.

He shook his head. "No. Once I gave her the confirmation that you were alive and well, she got mad and flew into a rage. It was like she'd been grieving your loss for twelve years but now that she had proof you were alive, she moved into the next stage of grief."

"And she's still mad."

"I'm afraid so."

Mary shrugged. "It's understandable – she was still a child when I left and I didn't try to contact her but don't try and distract me. Why do I get the feeling you're holding something back? Are you sure that's the first time you looked for me?"

"Brandi and Will think it is."

"But it's not, is it?"

"Mary, I don't see what difference-"

"No, tell me! You have some crazy notion that if you'd found me sooner, everything would be peaches and cream, Marshall – and I'm getting this tingling feeling in my gut that you've known where I've been for years – am I right?"

He hung his head. "I've known where you were since I became a Marshal."

Mary's heart was in her throat. "When was that?"

"Mary-"

"When did you graduate, Marshall?"

"2002."

Her eyes fluttered shut. Twelve years ago. She wanted to scream and sob at the same time. She wanted to scream at him that he was right – if he'd come then she would have had the opportunity to raise her son along with him and they could have been a family for the last twelve years. She wanted to cry for all the time they'd lost and could have gotten back if he hadn't been so – she drew a deep breath as the rational side of her brain kicked in. There was no going back to fix what was already broken.

Marshall was still speaking in a desperate, strained voice. "I became a US Marshal to help people but in the beginning it was all about finding you. I never dreamt it would be so easy – that you would go into the same profession. When your name popped up in the system, I couldn't believe it, but your picture was there in your file and I had to fight the urge to hop on a plane to come and get you and bring you home that same day. But then I picked Will up from school – he was in first grade – and he was talking about his day and his friends and the field trip I'd promised to come on as a parent volunteer next week and I lost my nerve. I told myself I could go when school got out, we could both go. But as the months passed and I had time to think about it, I began to get angry. If I had found you in the system so easily, why hadn't you found me? What was preventing you from coming to us? You were the one who left – maybe you didn't want to come back. Maybe you didn't want your son-"

Mary buried her face in her hands as the tears coursed down her face. "You really thought-"

He scooted closer but didn't touch her. "It had been six years with no contact – what was I supposed to think, Mer? By the time summer vacation rolled around, I decided to keep track of you, but not make contact for Will's sake. I wasn't going to risk having his heart broken – not when he was old enough to remember it."

Her heart ached to deny the words but her head knew he was right. Walking out on a six week old baby was very different from refusing to be a parent to a six year old boy. She lifted her head and met his stormy eyes. As much as knowing that he could have found her years earlier, she would not have him carry this weight alone. There was more she needed to tell him.

"Marshall – you are not – this is not your fault."

"How can you say that? If I'd been just a little more willing to take a chance, we could have been together for the past twelve years, Mer. You have to see that."

She swallowed. "Perhaps – but I'm stubborn and selfish. I could have also thrown you out on your ass and refused to listen to a word you said. I might have even signed the papers back then."

He shook his head. "I should have come to you-"

She leaned forward and cupped his face in her hands, stopping the movement. "This is not all your fault – I am also to blame here, all right?"

"I don't-"

She sighed. "Marshall, I lied. I knew about Will."

A/N: What the ***? Want more? Reviews are LOVE!