Chapter 39

The knock at the door was soft, not in a timid way, just not in an overly aggressive way. He'd been staring out the window lost in thought. If he was honest with himself, it wasn't his thoughts that were lost, he was lost. Why was he here? What did he really expect to gain from this trip?

The second knock was the same, soft but not timid. Malcolm looked at the door not sure who it might be. He quickly ran through the possibilities, dismissing them all. Standing he walked to the door prepared to light into whoever was on the other side. Flinging it open, all of the air left his lungs, "Laura."

Pushing past him Laura walked into his suite, "Hello Malcolm." He watched her walk past. Her composure rattled him. What was she doing here? She settled in a chair on the far side of the room as he stood gaping at her. She smiled brilliantly at him, "I decided it was time we chat."

He shook his head in a vain attempt to regain his senses, "Well do come in, make yourself at home. Can I get you anything?"

"No, I'm good but feel free to have a drink if you think it might steady you."

He turned to her lightning flashing in his eyes, "Do you really think an unexpected visit from you would cause me to need steadying?"

Laura stifled a laugh. She remembered the effect his look would have caused years ago. Today it did nothing, "You did seem a bit unnerved when you saw me at the door." The look he gave her she knew had sent powerful men scurrying into corners. This time she did laugh, "If you think that look is going to intimidate me Malcolm you are sadly mistaken. Now why don't you fix yourself the drink you so desperately need and we can get down to business."

Deciding at the very least the act of pouring a drink would serve as a stalling tactic he went to the bar. He poured himself a healthy measure of whisky. Looking at the bottle he smiled, it was her bottle. Lifting the bottle so Laura could see, "Sure I can't offer you something, it's quite good."

"No, I'm fine. Why don't you take a seat and let's get this over with?"

He bristled at her attempts to control him. Stalking across the room he leaned against the wall closest to her chair, "Why are you here Laura?"

A slightly malevolent smile darkened her face, it thrilled him. "Can't a gal just want to catch up with an old friend?"

Taking a long draw from his drink he paused before answering her, "You said we were never friends Laura."

She relaxed into the chair looking up at him, "And you disagreed, so as you are always right, we must be friends. Now, I repeat, can't a gal just want to catch up with an old friend?"

"With friends like you I'm not really sure I need enemies."

Tilting her head quizzically, "At least I never landed you in prison, unlike some of your other friends."

He laughed, "I see you still don't pull your punches."

She shrugged unaffected by his comment, "I learned from the best."

They stared at one another, neither wanting to give quarter to the other, "Why are you really here Laura?"

"To ask you the same question. Why are you here Malcolm?"

He turned to the window, trying to gain a moment's perspective. "It's my suite Laura, I'm supposed to be here."

"Don't be obtuse Malcolm, you know what I meant."

He barked with forced laughter, "Oh you mean in the greater Oxfordshire area? I told you why, I'm lecturing at Lady Margaret Hall."

She lowered her voice, "That might be your excuse but it's not why." She paused waiting until he turned to her, "Why are you really here Malcolm?"

The moment their eyes locked he knew he'd lost the game. There was something different about her. All of the storm he'd seen in her eyes when he'd surprised her at her office was gone. It was replaced with a calmness that unnerved him.

"I don't know why I'm here anymore Laura."

His unexpected candor surprised her. She'd never known Malcolm to be unsure of anything, "Talk to me Malcolm. Why did you come here to start?"

He looked away from her, ashamed of the only answer he could give her. "To destroy your happy life."

She nodded, unsurprised by his confession. "Go on."

"I was angry that you'd found someone to be happy with. And that it was him, the man you left me for made it ten times worse."

Laura blinked surprised at last, "I didn't leave you for Robbie. I was gone long before Robbie came into the picture."

He turned to her desperate, "No, you were still there. It might not have been the way it was but I always had hope we would get there." She blinked, unsure how she had missed this. He dropped to the ground in front of her and took her hand, "Even when you filed for divorce I still had hope. You went through several relationships, nothing ever stuck. You still saw me, talked to me and I hoped loved me."

Tears fell down her cheek as she realized what she'd inadvertently done to him, really done to them. If she'd just let him go, would they be here right now? "I thought we were friends. I thought we had turned a corner. If I'd known…"

"If you'd known what Laura? If you'd known I was still in love with you that I always have been. If you'd known I was just waiting for you to come back to me. If you'd known that I would have given it all up for you. What Laura, what did you need to know?" He looked at her pleadingly. She could see all of the pain in his eyes.

Looking down at their hands she shook her head, "I'm sorry Malcolm. It's all I can say. I've hurt you in ways that are unimaginable to me. I never meant to."

He pulled away from her leaning his head into the glass of the window, "Was it all a lie? Were we a lie?"

She looked up, stricken by his question. She screamed, "No!" The tightening of his shoulders softened her, "We had something incredibly special."

The pain in his voice killed her, "Then why wasn't I enough? Why didn't we work?"

Laura stood and walked slowly to him. She placed her hand on his back softly, not wanting to startle him. "It wasn't that simple, nothing with you ever was." She moved closer wrapping her arms around his waist. She buried her head in his back inhaling him, "You were exciting and brilliant; I couldn't have loved you more. I was so proud to be with you. Most times when we were together I felt like I was taking the best bite of the plum."

His eyes closed and his arms came to rest over hers, "What changed Laura?"

"It was all of the rest of it Malcolm. It was all of the chaos that surrounded you. I just didn't need the chaos as much as you did."

"I thought you liked the roller coaster? Remember our trip to New York, we went to Coney Island. You rode that one roller coaster, what was it called?"

He felt her smile against his back, "The Cyclone."

He laughed, "Right, The Cyclone. You rode that ride at least 10 times."

"That ride was tame compared to you. Amusement parks can be fun every once in a while but not every day."

He turned in her arms and wrapped his around her, "I always felt calm around you. I thought you knew it."

She looked up at him, "It was always just a rest until the next storm. You lived for the storms. That was why we worked when you were in London and I was here. I got to sample the storm and you got to experience the calm."

"And then you had your own storm."

She nodded, "It hit much too close to home. And there you were offering me calm and comfort and all of these familiar things. I thought it was what I wanted."

"I wanted to give up the storm. I wanted to find someplace that was just ours. I thought you wanted that too."

"Malcolm, at that moment, I did. I wanted it more than anything."

His dark blue eyes filled with tears. Tears he hadn't shed at the time. Finally they fell down his cheeks as he asked what he needed to know, "What happened? Why wasn't I enough?"

"He knocked on my door and asked me to take a walk."

Malcolm dropped his arms, pushing against her hips. He needed her to be away from him, "So it was him, you chose him over me? It wasn't about storms and chaos at all. It was all about him."

She started to argue then realized she couldn't, "You're right." He turned to her anger flashing again. She held up her hand to stop the coming tirade, "I made a choice. Because as he stood on my doorstep all he wanted was to take a walk around the block. He wasn't asking me to give up my life and run away, just take a casual stroll. I knew then it was what I had been looking for since Lily died." She took a tentative step toward him waiting to see how he would respond. When he didn't move she closed the distance between them and took his hand, "I don't believe, and I don't think you do either, that we would have ended up together had we gone away."

He tightened his grip on her hand, "I wanted us to."

"I know and a part of me wanted it too."

He smiled down at her, "But you wanted more calm than I could give you."

She nodded, "Yes."

His free hand cupped her cheek, "I love you Laura and I suspect I always will."

She smiled brilliantly at him, "I love you too. I always have and I always will. I'm just in love with someone else."

"We were something weren't we? Alive, beautiful…"

She nodded, "Spectacular."

He lowered his head and kissed her. Her hands wound around his neck. They each poured all of the hurt and love of their combined twenty years into the kiss. The kiss ended as suddenly as it began. Laura stepped away and Malcolm let her go.

Without looking back she walked across the room and opened the door. Before she walked through it, she whispered just loud enough for him to hear, "Goodbye Malcolm." She didn't wait for a response.