12/5/72

The queen was terribly upset today, which was a huge change from the other night when she couldn't stop smiling. I saw her in the early hours of the morning walking towards the stables with tears running down her face. It was still sort of dark outside but that didn't stop me from following her.

She rode down to the lake like she always did when she was upset and threw herself on the ground and started crying. I walked slowly up to her and placed a hand on her back. She jumped up and looked at me. Obviously, she didn't think she'd been followed.

"I should have known you'd find me here. You always do. I need to find a new hiding place."

"I'll find it."

"Then I'll have to find another one."

"I'll find that, too. Do you want to talk about it?"

She shook her head and closed her eyes, "No."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing you need to worry about."

"But I do need to worry about it, it's making you unhappy."

She looked at me and I wiped her face with a tissue.

"I think we should officially declare you my bodyguard."

"Don't change the subject."

"It's Rupert."

"Of course."

"What do you mean of course?"

"It's always him. Do you think I haven't noticed you two are constantly fighting? What's he done this time?"

"It's not what he's done, it's what he said."

She paused for a moment then continued, "Remember how happy I was last week at the ball? I had just found out that I was pregnant. I'd always wanted a third child, but I told Rupert last night and he said he didn't want it."

"You're pregnant?"

"Yes."

"Then you should not be riding a horse."

"Does it matter?"

"Of course it matters. Just because he doesn't want it, it doesn't mean you should deprive yourself. I say if it makes you feel good, then do it."

She smiled at me and wiped the remaining tears from her eyes.

"Now, lets get back to the palace before you catch a cold."

I slumped my jacket around her shoulders and put an arm around her waist.

"Wait! What about the horses? We can't just leave them there."

"I'll come back for them later, now can we please concentrate on getting you inside?"

We walked all the way back to the palace garden talking about nothing in particular, then we saw the king searching frantically for his wife. She stopped still and stared as he called out her name and ran his hands through his hair in a fit of despair. I immediately removed my arm from her waist and watched as he became aware of our presence and started rushing over. He asked her where she had been and thanked me for finding her. I was then dismissed, so I went inside and stared at them through the window. She wasn't looking at him while he spoke, but I saw her look up after he'd finished. She raised an eyebrow and jumped into his arms. I couldn't help but feel jealous, even though she was his wife.

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted when I was scared to death by Lauren wrapping her arms around my shoulders and yelling, "Whatcha staring at? Or should I say whom are you staring at?"

I put my hands over hers and continued staring out the window, "Nobody."

She started breathing hot air on my neck, "It doesn't look like nobody."

"Can we drop this?"

"Can you stop staring at her?"

I reluctantly directed my eyes away from the window and stared into her eyes.

"Isn't that your jacket?"

"Where?"

"Over there around that woman you're supposedly not staring at?"

"What are you doing up so early?"

"I could ask you the same thing. I am on my way to the kitchen to make a start on their majesties' breakfast, what's your excuse?"

"I couldn't sleep."

She brought her lips to my ear and whispered, "Joey's in love."

I forcefully pulled her body against mine and kissed her, "Have fun at work."

I then let her go and walked to my room to have a shower. It was awfully chilly without a jacket.

Later on, I encountered her majesty in the great hall and stopped to ask her if she was alright. She told me that she and the king had worked everything out and that he was willing to welcome the new baby into the family. She then thanked me for the support and handed me my jacket, which by the way she was STILL WEARING! I thought she would have taken it off the second she got inside, but no, she was still wearing it for four hours after we got back. When she was out of site, I held the jacket to my nose and breathed in. It smelt heavenly, just like her. I stood there for ages just breathing in the scent. I am never going to wash that jacket again, nor am I going to wear it. It has her scent on it! How can I consent to washing that away?

Note to self: Buy new jacket.

That was the highlight of my day apart from the fact that Lauren asked me who I was thinking about after we'd finished having sex. I would have expected her to be jealous, but she isn't. Is that a good thing?

15/5/72

I've noticed the queen is a lot happier now. She's really looking forward to this new baby. She says she hopes it's a girl, but the king wants another boy. They're going to announce the pregnancy sometime during the next couple of weeks. All this talk of babies is making me realise that I'm almost 37 which is probably halfway through my life and I don't have a family. I know I've never wanted one before, but I'm starting to warm up to the idea. I suppose I can wipe the idea out of my head altogether because the only woman I would ever consider being with for the rest of my life already has a family and she most certainly wouldn't leave it for me. Maybe I should just settle for what I already have, Lauren. I don't think I could ever love her, but she seems to be my only choice.

16/5/72

I asked Lauren today if she would ever consider starting a family with me and she said, "Joey, I don't think it's a good idea. I mean come on; you're in love with someone else! How can you build a family if you're not building it with love?"

And I said, "Easy, like this."

I threw her onto the bed and climbed on top of her. She laughed and told me to stop in case she changed her mind.

I know she's right about the family thing, but I really think having a child is a good idea. I could like the idea of having a smaller version of myself running around and I know for sure that my mother would be pleased. Perhaps I should wait a few years to see if I can find my real TRUE love…oh who am I kidding? She's right there and I can't have her! What am I going to do?

I saw her walking with the king today – that was a first. I'd never seen them walking together before, but they were and they were holding hands. He was touching her stomach and they were both smiling and laughing. The jealousy bug started creeping up on me again and I started imagining myself in the king's position. He is so lucky to have a woman like that. Oh how I envy him.