2/9/86

I went to see Clarisse today, I figured that maybe if I saw how I felt when around her compared to my family, I might be able to come to a decision…I did.

I drove up to the palace gate after I dropped Sammy off at school and asked if I could see her, but the stupid idiots that guard the gates said that unauthorised personnel were not allowed to simply walk in. I informed them of who I was, but they still wouldn't grant me access. I picked up the car phone and dialled Paul's number. He came out a minute later and told the guards to give me a break. I thanked him and drove up to the palace.

I had a hard time finding Clarisse, she wasn't in the garden, or the kitchen, or anywhere else I looked. I asked someone where she was and they said she was in her suite, so I walked there and was announced by her ladies maids. She asked them to leave, so they did and I sat down next to her. She was the one who spoke first, "It's nice to see you…finally."

"I didn't know you wanted to see me."

"Oh I did, believe me. How are you?"

"I'm…fine thankyou, yourself?"

She shrugged her shoulders, "I can't complain."

She propped her elbow up on the back of the couch and stared at me. I felt awkward, so I decided to speak, "Nice suite you have here."

She nodded and looked around, "It is rather lovely, isn't it?"

"Hmm…and I like your hair, it's…different."

She rolled her eyes, "Do you really like it? I hate it! Mother made me get it done and I cried the whole time. It took me years to grow it so long and then she comes along and decides it needs to go."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"So, Joseph, how has life been treating you?"

"Very well, actually…I have a son."

"I know, he's adorable."

"You've seen him?"

"No, but if he's anything like you…" she stared sadly into my eyes, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"That's okay, you're entitled to your opinion. I think he's adorable, too."

"That's good."

I flipped open my wallet and showed her a picture of Sammy which also had me, Lauren and Blake standing in the background. Subconsciously I covered Lauren's face, I don't know why I did it though. Clarisse looked at the picture and smiled, "You're right, he's adorable. A miniature you…with hair."

We both laughed slightly at that one, if anyone else had said that I would have punched them. She started leaning closer to me and she kissed the side of my head, "So when are you coming back to work?"

"Actually I'm not so sure I'll be coming back."

The expression on her face was wiped off when I said that.

"Because of her?" She pointed down at the photo and moved my hand.

"It's not really just her, it's my whole family. For the first time in my life, I am happy."

"Well I'm glad someone is."

She looked away and I saw a tear roll down her face, "Hey, I'll come back to visit you provided those idiots that work for you let me through the gates and we can go out for coffee sometime…"

"It won't be the same without you here."

"I never knew you cared for me that much."

"Well…I…I…"

I kissed her cheek and looked into her eyes, they filled with tears, "Don't cry."

"I'm not crying."

She wiped the tears away with the back of her hand and walked to the bathroom, I waited on the couch for her to come out. I couldn't help but notice what looked like a pink book on the coffee table, so I picked it up and looked at the front cover, 'Clarisse's Diary'.

At first I resisted the urge to read it, but since she wasn't coming out of the bathroom, I decided to skim through it as I remember she said she once did to my journal. There wasn't anything interesting in there, it was mainly her rambling on about how bored life is and how she wished she had real friends. There was this one page that caught my eye, it said, 'I wish he'd just come back to see me. I want to hold him in my arms, kiss him, ask him how he is, but I can't. I wouldn't want to call him and lose whatever self-respect I have left by begging him to drag himself away from his perfect life and force him back into mine. I just don't know what to do.'

That's as far as I got before she snatched it from my hands and asked me what the hell I was doing reading it. I said that since she read mine, I was entitled to read hers. I asked her if the person she was referring to was me and she laughed, "Ahahaha hell no! Didn't you know the maids read this thing when they think I'm not looking? I wouldn't put anything about us in it, you silly boy."

"Then who?"

"Pierre of course."

I felt pretty damn stupid because I knew she was telling the truth. When she stopped laughing, she apologized and sat back down next to me. Then she told me how she sometimes writes certain things about the maids just to tease them and we laughed. I had such fun with her, until she kissed me. That's when everything became screwed up…

We were just sitting there laughing and enjoying each other's company when I felt her lips on mine. I pulled away and looked at her, "Your Majesty I feel must tell you I'm a married man!"

She sat back and smirked, "Married, Joseph?"

"Yes, for around about a whole month now."

She put her hand over her mouth and giggled.

"Is it that hard to believe?"

Her face went red and she burst out laughing, "Who did you marry? That girl who used to bring my meals or was it my mother?"

"Oh haha, very funny. As a matter of fact it was that girl, as you put it and her name is Lauren. She and I are very happy together, so you can stop making fun of us."

"I'm sorry, I just can't believe you of all people decided to tie the knot."

"I think I'll go now…"

"No, don't go! I want you to stay."

"No really, I have to…pick up my stepson from uh…daycare."

"I don't believe you. Sit down now!"

I did as she said and sat back on the couch, "So you married her…why?"

"Because I thought it was about time I settled down."

"I see. Do you love her more than me?"

"You know, I really should be off…"

I got up to leave and she stood and held my arms, "Do you?"

"You can't ask me that."

"I just did!"

"Well I'm not going to answer."

"Coward!"

"Cow!"

"Bastard!"

"Bitch!"

"Commoner!"

We were suddenly locked in a passionate kiss, arms wrapped firmly around each other. Neither of us planned to break it even though it felt so wrong.

In our heated passion, we somehow made it over to the bedroom where we immediately threw ourselves on the bed and started groping each other. We furiously attacked each other's lips with our own, causing them to swell and turn bright red. I smelt her hair – god, did I smell her hair – it was intoxicating, "Are you using a new shampoo?"

"Mmmhmm…"

"It's nice."

"Mmm…"

Even though it felt remotely impossible, she pulled my body tighter against hers. I heard her sigh and I grew intensely impatient – I had to rip her clothes off. Her jacket came off so easily that I didn't even have to touch it, her blouse required a bit more time and effort, her skirt I didn't get to though because I discovered a corset underneath the shirt.

I stopped kissing her and stared at it for a moment, "Why are you wearing one of these?"

"Because it's the only thing that doesn't make me look fat."

"You're not fat."

"Oh no?"

She reached behind her back and unlaced the garment, she was right – there were a few extra pounds there since the last time I checked. She lay flat waiting for me to say something, "So I suppose you don't want to make love to me now?"

"Like hell I don't!"

She smiled and laughed as I started licking her chest and sucking her neck. I loved hearing her groan at the mercy of my tongue, it was exciting, it was arousing, it was…time to end it there.

I stared at her body, at her face, at her eyes and immediately my whole life flashed before me; getting ready for school in the morning, getting beaten up by lunch, falling over in the playground, receiving my first kiss, drinking until the early hours of the morning, making love to my first girlfriend, watching my father walk out the door never to be seen again, travelling the world, coming to work at the palace, reliving high school with Dale, meeting Lauren, kissing the queen, realising the exact moment I fell in love with her, watching the expression on her face as our attempted love-making session was interrupted by a bomb, watching her walk back to her husband wearing nothing but my shirt, finding my son, foiling the queen's attempted kidnapping scam, strangling her to death, being shot by her, leaving her for a year, marrying someone else and then the time we had just spent laughing on the couch.

I came to the conclusion that basically every bit of unhappiness in my life was caused by her – the pain, the heartache, the humiliation.

And then I was brought back to that moment, lying on top of her, about to make love, seeing the look of excitement in her eyes…

"I'm sorry, I can't."

I rolled off her and walked out to the lounge scratching my head. She followed and asked what was wrong, "Am I too fat? Is my hair too short for you? Is that it?"

"No, I…I can't explain. I just don't want to be hurt by you anymore."

She threw on a dressing gown and tied it around herself, while I fixed up my collar and sleeves.

She raised her voice, "I never meant to hurt you!"

"So the strangling? That was just for fun, eh?"

"You know what I mean."

"I know jack shit about what you mean! I think hurting me is exactly what you were trying to do all along."

"Oh cut the crap!"

"No, I think I'm onto something there. Every piece of unhappiness in my life has been caused by you."

Her face grew red and she quickly changed her tone to anger, her teeth were furiously grinding against each other. I felt her hands around my neck, she was squeezing with all her might. It was slightly more painful than the last time she tried because it appeared that she had taken my advice on how to do it properly.

"Does lack of sex always do this to you?"

She retracted her hands and opened the door, shoving me out as she did so, "Don't you ever come back!"

The guards stared at me as she slammed the door and (I think) dropped down against it, locking it as she went – I can only imagine what they must have been thinking when they saw Clarisse shove me out of her suite wearing nothing but a dressing gown in the middle of the day, when they had just earlier seen her fully dressed.

I bit my lip and walked to the king's office, Paul was there with the king at the time. I cleared my throat to get their attention and they both looked at me.

"Joseph, are you here to resume your place as deputy head of security?"

I shook my head, "Sorry, but due to certain circumstances I can no longer stay on here."

Paul had a curious expression on his face, "Circumstances?"

"Yes, as you may know I have a family now and I don't think I could cope not seeing them every day. They need me and…"

"I understand," the king nodded.

"Sorry."

"We're sorry to see you go."

"Good luck, old chap."

They both shook my hand and I went to my room to collect whatever possessions I had left in there. It turned out that all that was left were a few items of clothes and the bottle of wine Clarisse gave me all those years ago. I pondered leaving it there, but I thought I'd take it just incase, I mean I've held onto it for so many years, what's a few more? I decided to write a quick letter to Clarisse just so I could tell her what was going through my head:

'For the eyes of her majesty only.

I feel I must explain something to you before it's too late.

You see, that little tantrum you threw earlier isn't the first one and is also why I can't stay here. You get too aggravated when you don't get your own way, you're like a child, grow up!

The point is that the only time I'm ever happy is when I'm with my family, however this also means that I'm only happy when you're not.

When you learn to control your anger and realise that us having a relationship that involves sex alone and nothing else is something I can't commit to, then maybe I'll think about the possibility of us being just friends.

All I ever wanted from you was something you didn't want and were (and still are) in no position to give.

Perhaps I'll see you around sometime.'

I thought about signing my name, but if the maids were to read it, all hell would break loose. I also thought she'd understand who wrote it anyway.

After slipping the note under her door where I could still hear her sitting and sobbing softly, I took one last look around the palace and walked slowly to my car. I put my things on the passenger seat and walked around to the other side. I don't know how she got there so quickly, but Clarisse was blocking the door. Her tear stained eyes would have been noticeable to a blind man and she was still wearing the dressing gown.

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

"Friends?"

"Sure, why not?"

I hugged her and smelt her hair once more, "Do you want to meet for coffee sometime? Say the first Sunday of next month at Martin's Coffee Shop?"

"I'd like that."

"I thought you would, but only as friends, nothing more."

"Pfft, like I want to be more than just friends. What do you take me for?"

We stared into each other's eyes and I kissed her nose before stepping into the car and driving off home.

Ok, must go to bed now. God that was long, I hate proofreading. Thanks for the reviews, write some more!