– Tell me what happened exactly – the surgeon asked me when the ambulance arrived. I could barely think; Sonny looked so damn innocent and sick. I was on the edge of crying.
– Well, you know, Sonny and I are in a healthy homosexual relationship and we were making love because we haven't seen each other in a long time. – My voice was trembling.
– Did you try something new this time?
– Actually yes, it was always like him being inside me, but he wanted to have me in him, so we tried, but he got really weak during I tried to... Is this really necessary?
– I'm sorry but yes it is.
– So my pointing finger was inside him only. And he recently got sick and fainted.
– Did you or he use drugs, alcohol, or any stimulating medicine?
– As I know we didn't. What do you assume?
– I really don't know what to think. I hope nothing serious.
– Can I go to the hospital? – Of course. As we arrived at the hospital a nurse took blood from Sonny's arm and sent it to the desperate disease class. I was going crazy while waiting and I couldn't see him. I was out of my mind and crying so I decided to go for a short walk to clear my head. I got some coffee and when I got back the surgeon doc was waiting for me.
– Please tell me they are good news. Please. But his face was telling me the opposite of that.
– I'm sorry I'm afraid I can only serve the truth. We found a malignant carcinoma in far gone status in his anus. Now he is in the operating room, the experts are doing everything they can to save or at least elongate your partners life.
It was terrible to hear this. Sonny being cancerous. He was always lovely, sporty, healthy and happy, why is it that now I'm maybe losing him? I didn't want to believe it. I loved him so much he can only imagine. I can't lose him, not now, I just got him back! I tried to stay strong but my imagination got me thinking about the worst. The operation last more than 3 hours. The cancer expert doctor explained me things about Sonny's shape such as his blood may brought tainted cells to other parts of his body and they don't know the cadence of the damage. I could see him through the window of his ward. He was so gorgeous and so in peace although he seemed grey and so weak. The skin around his eyes was dark and tubes were making him stay alive. But still. He was the most beautiful and handsome man I've ever seen. And I was so in love with him. There was no way of me losing him. No way. I loved him too much to let this happen.
– Hey, sir...
The nurse woke me up from my dark thoughts.
– Yes, sorry...
– You should go home, sir and get some rest. The sleeping pill works about 15 hours. He won't wake up until tomorrow.
– Thanks but I'd rather stay here. There's no way I could sleep right now...
And I was sitting there next to his room thinking about what we had with Sonny. Next morning I opened my tired eyes and yes, the nurse was right Sonny was still sleeping. At least he is alive. And I believe that he will stay with me. He wouldn't let a stupid illness to come between us. I went to the nearest shop and bought some coffee and bakery product and when I got back it was the morning visit time. The doctor took blood from him and he let me in his ward. I sat down next to his bed and stared at him. I blamed myself for what happened to him, and I didn't dare to even touch his hand. His heart was beating slowly and he was breathing weakly. My eyes started watering and I turned around because I didn't want to wake him up. And I cried without any voice. But something touched my back.
– What the...
– Will... – It was Sonny. He was awake and his voice was weak but it also was the most beautiful noise I've ever heard.
– Sonny! Oh my god, I'm so happy to have you here. How are you?
– Have been better... – He smiled at me.
– Sonny, I am so, so, so sorry. Please, forgive me!
– But you didn't do anything. Although I knew you will blame yourself, so okay, I forgive you and we are done and never talk about it anymore okay? Deal?
– Deal. – I was relieved. He wasn't angry with me.
– What did the doctors say?
– They said that you had a malignant carcinoma in your ass and they operated it out of you. But your blood may drive cancerous cells to other parts of your body, so your blood is under check-up. But Will…
– I know you are sorry. shut up. So I'm cancerous.
– You were. I mean I hope you just were. We can work this out, can't we? Sonny, I love you so much, I can't lose you, and I can't live without you!
– Me neither. I don't want to leave you here. I don't want you to live without me! And I love you too.
Two days later.
Sonny' POV
– I feel much better! – I told Will and I pulled him into a soft embrace but he pulled back.
– That's great but we can't do this and you know that.
– What is so horrible in a kiss we cannot do?
– Sonny, don't do this okay? We have to get home and talk about it privately between 4 eyes. Can you wait until we get home?
– Honestly? No I can't. Please, I want to feel you, it would be just a kiss! Just a kiss!
– You know you are unbelievable. – And he leaned closer and his lips softly touched mine and he tried to pull out but I didn't let him. I grabbed his collars and pulled him back to me and my tongue slipped into his mouth. Okay, it wasn't just a kiss. It was so much more. It was all of my confessions to him. All the love we shared, all fears we had, all the pain we've been fighting with, the acceptance we've been fighting for, all the tears that rolled down on our faces when we were apart and all the dreams we had about our future together... And he must have felt it, because he didn't pull away, he leaned even closer. He brushed my hair with his fingers, and I heard the monitor beeping faster and louder. We started laughing and he sat back down on the chair. A few minutes later the doctor came into my ward with the final results of my blood examinations.
– So according to the results your body is mostly clear of tainted cells. Your lungs are tainted only. But this type of cancer is one of the most serious ones.
– What does that mean? I will die?
– We don't know. It's unpredictable. 1-15 years. And you need intensive chemotherapy.
– So my maximum time is 15 years?
– Actually no. You can get better if you change your life. Healthy foods, sports, a lot of sleeping, and avoid casual illnesses, and take the chemotherapy seriously.
– I will do that. I want to live! I have to live!
To be continued…