19/3/95

My boy met the king and queen today after he solemnly promised me he wouldn't mention anything he read in my journal. It started off a bit bumpy at first as Sammy didn't have a clue what to say and Clarisse just stood there gob smacked. I think she was surprised to see a similar version of me standing in front of her. Eventually when Sammy got into deep conversation with the king, I led Clarisse out of the room, because she appeared to have needed air.

"My god!"

"What?"

"He looks just like you!"

"I know, doesn't he?"

"You raised one…heck of a beautiful boy and he's so polite."

"Thankyou."

"Would you give my apologies to your son, I must get a drink and take a walk outside."

She stumbled off down the hall clutching her stomach, so I went back into the king's office and sat down – Sammy looked really happy. He saw me and almost screamed, "Dad, the king offered me a job!"

"Oh?"

Rupert stood up, "It's a chauffeur job, so it's not exactly full-time, but it's a job nonetheless and it pays a fair rate."

"Wow, congratulations Sammy," I turned to Rupert, "Thankyou very much, I'm sure my boy could use some extra cash."

"I'm sure he could, he tells me he's getting married."

"Yes, in the summer."

"Perfect season for it. I hope you chose the right woman, Samuel, you wouldn't want to be stuck with someone you don't love."

He allowed himself a quick smile, which soon faded to a look of sadness. I thought he was getting a little too personal, so I excused Sammy and myself and we walked out of the room to get some lunch.

It's going to be exciting having my son working close by, it will give us a chance to spend more time together.

23/3/95

Clarisse and I are back to being friends again, except I make sure I never touch her, unless I have to for security purposes, I never spend more than an hour alone with her and I never look into her eyes for too long.

We haven't been spending much time together, as my role is to protect the king and as hoped, I haven't fallen back in love with her. I spent last night at home with Lauren and the family. We played scrabble, watched TV, ate Lauren's much improved cooking and talked for ages in front of the fireplace.

After that we went to bed and made love. Lauren found my position as head of security quite arousing and she frequently told me. She wanted to try role-play, but I lied and said I wasn't up to it. My real problem with it was that she was sort of treating my job as a joke.

In the morning we went to the park and had a family picnic. Blake kicked the football with Sammy and Catherine while Lauren and I lay on the rug observing them and talking about what we had done over the past few days. We started kissing, but stopped when Blake ran up and said, "Eww, gross."

We laughed and broke away from each other. Isn't it strange how when people are young, they think a man and woman expressing affections is disgusting, but when they reach a certain age they can't get enough? It's just something I was thinking earlier.

26/3/95

I am amazed, I've been at the palace for over a week and Clarisse hasn't tried anything yet. I expected her to kiss me or come into my room late at night, but she didn't. She's acting exactly like a queen should act, not sleazy, not desperate, not anything. It's like the time she got back from spending that "rehabilitation" time with Maddy, who to my surprise is still alive. Clarisse no longer says anything that's out of line, she laughs at things that are supposed to be funny but aren't, she reads constantly and drinks a LOT of tea. Boring is the word to sum her up. She never talks to me about her personal life anymore, problems with Rupert, problems with her sons, problems with herself – she just absorbs everything that happens to her.

Our conversations have become solemnly based upon the weather and her eyes are as dark as an Antarctic night. It's as if somebody has sucked every last drop of human emotion out of her. She is now just an object who sits and reads, taking the occasional walk around the grounds with her trusty pooch. That dog seems to be the only thing keeping her sane, I've seen the way she looks at it. It briefly brings the colour back into her eyes.

Anyway, enough about her. Ever since I was titled Head of Security, the maids have begun to wink, touch and stare. Honestly, every time I pass them, they stare, wink and then discreetly brush my buttocks with their hands. There has to be some sort of law against it, I mean it was amusing at first, but now it's just ridiculous. I'm a married man! I have two kids! I'm almost 60 years old!

1/4/95

There's going to be a birthday ball for Rupert in a couple of weeks. Apparently he's turning 74. He looks terribly old when he stands next to Clarisse, but she does colour her hair so that must give her some sort of advantage.

At the ball, there will be about 100 guests, 400 finger sandwiches, 50 different plates of miscellaneous snack foods and 500 glasses of champaign. It's going to be one heck of a bash.

As Head of Security I get to join the party, but still have to keep a close eye on the king. I know Clarisse is going to be dancing with him for a majority of the night, so I hope she's not going to wear something I'd find attractive.

My job entails me to also organise all of the security details, which I have to go over with Rupert and Clarisse by the end of the week. I'm half done, there are just some minor things I need to get through, for example, who is at the gates, who is guarding the doors etc.

7/4/95

Rupert was very impressed with my organisational skills, as was Clarisse. They said I'm already almost as good as Paul was. I did spend a lot of time watching him when he was alive and I am a fast learner.

Clarisse asked me to take a walk with her afterwards, so I did and we talked about weather, politics, the garden and everything under the sun that bores me to death. I found myself excusing myself from her after only five minutes. I used to love it when she'd tell me about her thoughts and feelings, now I'm lucky if she even uses the word think.

Heres what our conversation today consisted of:

"Lovely weather we're having, isn't it, Joseph?"

"Yes it is."

"I was certain it would rain today, but there's not a drop in the sky."

"Mmmhmm…"

"I hear parliament are going to do something exciting."

"Wow…"

"Apparently they're putting up a fountain commemorating the Prime Minister."

"Ah."

"Look at the petals on this flower, they're withering up and dying."

I felt like saying, "Just like you," but I kept my mouth shut.

"The gardeners really shouldn't be so careless."

"Maybe you should put some gloves on, get down on your hands and knees and do it yourself! It would bring some sort of meaning back into your life!" (That's something else I kept to myself.)

"Well, I'm thirsty, care to join me for a cup of tea?"

"No thankyou, I have some…things to do."

"Oh? Like what?"

"Well for one I'm going to…talk to…your husband about some security arrangements for the ball."

"But we just finished discussing them, they're perfectly alright."

"Well I carelessly forgot to mention one thing."

"Which is?"

"It uh…it doesn't concern you, see you later."

See what I mean? Boring!

I started walking back to my room and found my Sammy standing in the doorway. He was waiting for Clarisse because apparently he had to drive her to 'Les Masquite' for a dress fitting. I talked with him for a bit and then told him where Clarisse was. We said goodbye and went our separate ways.

10/4/95

I was introduced to a young lady today, she's the king's new assistant. She's quite pretty, looks as if she's in her mid 20s, but apparently she's 31. Her name is Charlotte. We talked for a while and found out we have a lot in common. If I weren't already married I think I'd probably try pursuing her. She's a very shy woman, all she would tell me about herself is that she graduated from college and took up a teaching job at a primary school, but she couldn't stop the children from misbehaving. She decided to give up and take a quieter job as a sales attendant at a perfume shop. She said she dropped a one thousand dollar bottle and was fired as a result of it. That's when she met Rupert. He was purchasing a bottle of 'Aurevoir 2' for Clarisse's birthday and offered her a job when he saw how upset she was.

That's practically all she told me about her life, but I won't ask because she appears to not want to talk about it.

I told her about my family and myself, and then we went for a ride on two of these mustangs that Clarisse has been raising. They're quite fast horses, we raced to the lake and back – she won, but that's only because I let her. The horses seemed to lift her spirits a little, I figure she must have had past experiences horses.

We set up a picnic in a clearing where we talked some more and ate our lunch. I had fun with her; she has a great sense of humour.

16/4/95

Tonight was King Rupert's Birthday Ball.

I danced with Charlotte all night and then walked her to her door afterwards. It was nice to be in female company for a change, especially since she talks about more than just the weather.

I spent a majority of the night observing Clarisse as she danced with Rupert. Her smile was so fake it made me sick. She was smiling only with her mouth, not her eyes – I felt like shaking her to death. I don't know what it is, but that "smile" simply aggravates me.

She was wearing an over the top bright pink frilly ball gown which covered everything except her face. I didn't like it, it was too…pink and very eye-catching (not in a good way).

Charlotte on the other hand was wearing a simple light green three quarter length dress, which revealed slight cleavage and was quite pretty.

18/4/95

I spent the day with Lauren and Blake, as Sammy was off with Catherine looking at property. I'm interested to see what kind of house they choose to live in. Sammy says that they've been trying to conceive a child – ooh, I'm possibly going to be a grandpa – but they haven't had any luck yet.

Possible baby names – boys F:

Fredrick

Frank

Frank (enstein)

Farrar

Possible baby names – girls F:

Fiona

Felicity

Fifi (ha!)

Facharda

I think it will be a beautiful child, just like my Sammy. Lauren thinks she's too young to be a grandma, but she's almost 50!

2/11/95

Sammy got married yesterday! I walked his bride down the isle and stood watching the ceremony take place. There were quite a few people there, I only knew 50 percent of them. That didn't matter though, I got to meet her family and that's all that counts. The ceremony went on for half an hour, the reception went on for one and a half hours and the after party went on all night. I got drunk and passed out in the middle of the dance floor, so I don't remember how it ended. All I remember was having fun.

1/1/96

(New years day)

After returning to my suite from partying at the New Years Ball, I found a message on my answering machine. It was from Lauren, she said, "Hey Joey, honey, I really need to talk to you. I can't talk about this over the phone, so will you come around and see me tomorrow if you're not too busy? Okay, I'm going to go now…so um…bye!"

I wonder what she wants…

2/1/96

She wants to see other people. Our marriage is that bad we need to see other people? I told her what I thought about that;

"There's nothing wrong with our marriage!"

"Joseph, we're drifting apart!"

"Hey, you're the one who told me to take the bloody job in the first place!"

"I didn't know it would be like this…"

"Nothing has changed, I still love you. We may not see each other every day but I still love you."

"That's not the only reason."

"What?"

"I'm worried you'll get attached to…to…to her again."

"Who, Clarisse? I can assure you I have no feelings for her anymore."

"I'm sorry, I don't believe you. I want to believe you but…"

"Why is it so hard? Clarisse and I are ancient history! We haven't touched each other for years."

"I'm sorry, I simply can't believe you have no feelings whatsoever for her."

"I don't! She's the most boring person in the world, I swear I don't know where she is these days."

"But if she was exciting again, you'd jump right on her and forget about me."

"I…"

She was undeniably right. Even though I don't feel anything for her now, I know that if she ever came and spoke to me about something other than the flowers in her garden, I wouldn't make excuses to leave. If she ever touched me, I wouldn't brush her off. If she ever propositioned me, there's a slim chance I'd say no…oh god, I am still in love with her.

"Lauren, I really think that our being apart is bringing us closer together."

"Well I don't! Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to come home to nothing but a couple of kids and an endless load of housework? To have to wait a whole week until you can finally have some male company that isn't biologically related to you? I've put up with it so far, but pretty soon I'm just going to snap. I need a man, a man who can take all the pain away from being virtually a single mother."

I nodded and swallowed the forming lump in my throat, "Then if that's how you feel, fuck whoever you want! Why should I care, I'm just your husband!"

I grabbed my coat and slammed the door behind me. I guess this means I'm free to pursue Charlotte, if only she hadn't already found herself a boyfriend…I am so pissed now that I didn't make a move on her.

A/N:

Thankyou for your kind words, Jen. I find it an accomplishment that I have 30 chapters and over 50,000 words. I hit two milestones with one stone. Haha.

Rebecca - Sorry, I didn't mean hate as in hate, I just prefer people to be surprised by my ideas…however, I do appreciate you trying to help. I bet you'll never guess how Philippe dies :)

Anyway, thanks for your reviews, time to write another.