9/6/99

It's been almost two weeks since the funeral and Clarisse is still depressed. She told me she disposed of the briefcase and is now taking anti-depressants, however I don't think they've been working well. Pierre packed up and went home after Clarisse repeatedly informed him that she would be fine without him. Philippe has started bonding with her much more, which I think is something she really needs right now. I'm doing my best to help her through the tragedy, but there is only so much help one can offer without being too obvious.

She came to see me last night when I had just finished writing my journal and she was still there when I woke up. I was shocked, as normally she would leave in the middle of the night and go back to her own suite. She didn't try to get into my pants, which surprised me somewhat…all she wanted was somebody to hold while she slept, which I was more than happy to do. I still love the smell of her hair – it was banana scented this time – I sniffed it while she was sleeping (as per usual).

In the morning she told me about some of the funny things Rupert used to do like uncontrollably twitch his eye when she wore something sexy, hold onto her arm for dear life as the plane took off, pretend to snore while she was getting changed...

It made me understand why she was so upset about him dying, I never knew how close they were before, all I ever saw was how they ignored each other. When I first arrived at the palace all those years ago they continuously fought, which led me to believe they hated each other. I guess it was a cover up or a way of keeping their hands off each other during the day so they didn't do anything indecent in public.

Sammy suggested to Philippe that they start going rock-climbing together as a way to get his mind off the death of his father, he agreed. They're going to train first before tackling real mountains, as I suggested it would be a much safer idea. I want to do it too but I'm afraid my knee will give way. Boohoo.

11/6/99

Philippe has announced that he wants to wait a year or so before assuming the throne so he'll have the chance to find a new love to produce heirs with. I'm not so sure if he'll ever find another woman to love because according to Sammy, Helen is still number one in his heart. I really do feel sorry for the man, Clarisse should do something about it, like apologise for one since she's the reason he gave her up in the first place. Oh well, I suppose he'll meet up with her in a couple of years (when Amelia turns eighteen) as they planned. Clarisse started putting pressure on poor Philippe today, "You have to re-marry! Forget love! Find a wife! Produce some heirs for heaven's sake!"

I told her not to rush him, but she wouldn't listen. I think she's either desperate to secure the throne since there are only two heirs left, or she just wants some more grandchildren. I'm expecting her to start hassling Pierre soon to marry and have children, hopefully she becomes sane before that happens.

22/6/99

Sammy and Philippe had their first rock-climbing lesson today, I asked Clarisse for the day off so I could watch and she let me. Sammy seems to be a natural at it, I guess that comes from all the tree climbing he did when he was younger. Clarisse seems to have recovered from Rupert's death, but still continues to come into my room to sleep. It's nice having her in there, especially when we wake in the mornings and kiss each other softly, gently, knowing that no sex will come out of it, although we do sometimes allow our hands to slip under the covers to caress each other in more private areas. I love the time we spend together, it really is quite lovely to have a woman in my arms when I wake up, even more lovely since I'm finally allowed to "date" her after being in love with her for so long. I'm thinking of asking her to marry me, but I'm not sure how she really feels about me since she's never once said the words "I love you". I wouldn't want to be rejected and have weirdness between the two of us, I just couldn't handle it.

It has led me to thinking about what she's aiming for in our relationship. Does she want to be together? Does she actually plan to marry me someday? I have no idea about her, she changes her personality more often than she changes her underwear! I'm not even sure if I want to be with somebody like that – a snake, if you'll forgive me. God I am so confused with that woman, she's so frustrating. We'll have to discuss our relationship tomorrow or something.

23/6/99

Well I didn't get around to asking her anything because it didn't seem right, it was strictly business today. We talked about this upcoming ball Clarisse is going to be holding for all her old school friends, Chester included. Is it just me or is she always holding balls? Anyway, this is like a 45 year school reunion, she wants to show up all her old friends, enemies and acquaintances by saying things like, "Look at me! I married for money and look where I am now, reigning monarch! Bow down and stare in wonder!"

Then they'll say, "Oh how we love you. We're so jealous."

I'm actually wondering how many of the people are still alive. I'm also wondering how I'm going to react to seeing that Chester man again, I know I've never been formerly introduced and have never even talked to the man, but for some reason, I hate him. I guess it's because he IS Clarisse's dark-half and he does make her do bad things. Who am I kidding? I'm probably just jealous because she's closer to him than she is to me. Maybe I'm scared that she'll fall in love with him and marry him in ten years time when she has no obligations and…oh my god! I just thought of the perfect way to see how she feels about me without scaring her off or making a complete ass of myself!

24/6/99

I had the perfect opportunity to ask this morning and I took it. Even though she's over Rupert, she still comes to sleep in my bed…I guess she isn't used to sleeping alone yet, but wait a minute, she's been sleeping alone for years...

She was lying against my chest when we woke up this morning, so I kissed her and looked into her eyes, "Where do you see yourself in ten years time?"

That was it, our eyes were locked together and she was trapped, she had to answer, "Well...I…I haven't really thought about it."

"Think about it now."

"Okay…let me see…um…well of course I'll be long-since retired as Philippe is taking the throne next year, I'll…live in a house somewhere in town so I can still keep an eye on things without having my privacy invaded. Is that what you mean?"

"Sort of…"

"Give me an example then, where do you see yourself in ten years time?"

I wasn't expecting that – oh how I wasn't expecting that, "I think I'll also be living in town somewhere, I'll also be retired, but I'll be living with the woman who's occupied my heart from day one and I will no longer have to dream about being with her because she will be forever mine."

If she was wearing a smile before, it was long gone. All she could do was stare into my eyes, her body completely frozen on top of mine. It's obvious she knew that she was the one I was talking about, the one I'd been obsessed with ever since I'd met her.

"Clarisse…I…"

"Don't…just…don't say another word…"

She peeled herself off me and headed towards the door, staring into my eyes the whole time. I'd made a mistake – a huge mistake! She shut the door behind her and I couldn't help but bang my head against the bedpost thinking about what a stupid idiot I was. That confirmed it, she's been using me the whole time, I know now that all she ever wanted from me was a quick fifteen minute ride in bed. I have wasted my life on that woman, wasted my love…I should have never come back. I was so happy before I came back and now I'm miserable again because this woman I love has rejected me. I haven't seen her since, or rather I haven't talked to her since this morning and I don't plan to either. What do you say to someone who's just broken your heart? I know she didn't actually say she disapproved of my ten-year plan, but it was the look she gave me, it wasn't a happy face. God, I have to go over security details for the ball with her tomorrow, too.

25/6/99

She didn't say anything about us at all, she just went through the plans with me and then I was dismissed. Normally she would say, "Shall we adjourn to the garden for some tea?" But not today…

"Thankyou Joseph, these are excellent as always, you may leave now."

I bowed and left the room feeling more rejected than when I went in. She didn't make eye-contact with me the whole time I was in there, not even when I greeted her by kissing her hand. She's angry I think, why else would she not invite me to tea? I'm being ignored…I hate it how she can just pretend to forget all the things we've ever been through together.

29/6/99

We spoke last night – finally. I couldn't handle us not speaking on friendly terms, so I barged into her suite at 10pm when she (unbeknownst to me) was changing for bed. She was standing in her underwear, not attempting to cover herself up, not saying anything until I put my hand over my mouth.

"Is there something you wanted Joseph, or do you walk in on every woman who's trying to get changed in her own private suite?"

"So sorry, your majesty."

She slid her silky white nightgown over her head, "I should think so."

I uncontrollably stared at her face, she hadn't yet removed her make-up, "Is there something you wanted?"

Just you…

"No, I just wanted to…talk with you," I looked at her maids who were staring at me in disbelief, "in private…"

She clapped her hands together, "Alright, everybody out, you're dismissed!"

They bowed and walked out nudging each other and whispering things I couldn't hear.

"Sit!"

I did as she said and took a seat on her bed, she sat next to me, however a few inches away, "You have five minutes before I jump into this bed for the night, ending all lines of communication, so make it snappy."

I didn't know what to say, I'd come to her room to talk with her, but I didn't have anything to talk about, "Lovely weather we've been having lately…"

"I know."

"I like what you're doing with the garden…it's very…pretty."

"I know."

"That's not what I came here to talk about."

"I know."

"It's about the other morning…"

"Yes, I know."

She took my hand and rubbed it with her thumb, "What about the other morning?"

"Did I say something out of line?"

"Why ever would you think that?"

"Because you've been avoiding talking about it."

"I haven't been avoiding talking about it, it just hasn't come up in conversation."

I had to admit, she was right, but still, "You've been avoiding me. We only seem to speak when there's business matters at hand."

"I haven't been avoiding you, I have a ball to plan! You can't expect me to spend every minute of the day with you if that's not what my work entails."

"You're right, I shouldn't have brought it up."

"No, I think you were right to speak what was on your mind, I'm glad we had this talk. Now if you'll excuse me I really must get some sleep."

"Goodnight then, your majesty."

"Goodnight Joseph."

I started walking towards the bedroom door when it hit me, "Wait a minute, you have been avoiding me! You're doing it now by sleeping in your own bed."

As she slid under the covers, I noticed the look of utter shock on her face, "Do you mean to tell me that you think that since I haven't been sneaking into your room at night I must be avoiding you?"

"Is there any reason to think otherwise?"

"Joseph, the reason I haven't come to see you is that as you may have noticed, my husband has been in the ground for a matter of weeks now and I have come to terms with the fact that he is gone."

"But then why-"

"Ah, let me finish. I only came to see you afterwards because I wanted some male company and you're the only male in this god awful place that I actually trust, apart from my son, that is."

She was smiling slightly at me, "Does that clear everything up for you?"

I nodded.

"Good, then perhaps you'd like to join me."

"Do you mean sleep with you? I mean sleep in your bed…with you…"

"Naturally, what did you think I meant?"

"Nothing."

I stripped down to my underwear and climbed into her bed, I was astounded by how many unnecessary pillows and blankets there were. You could sleep fifty people with the amount of superfluous sleepwear on that bed.

I pushed all but one pillow on the floor and lay down next to my queen. She put an arm around my waist and rested her head on my chest. I decided that since I was on a good roll I would attempt to talk about something else I had on my mind – our relationship/friendship/whatever the hell it is, I wanted to find out.

"Clarisse…"

She was falling asleep already, "Mmm?"

"That wasn't all I wanted to talk about."

"Well, you'll have to save whatever else you have to say for another night."

"Why?"

"Did I not say you had five minutes to communicate with me?"

"But…"

"Did I not say that?"

"You did say that…sorry."

"Good, now go to sleep…"

I closed my eyes, but just as I was about to fall into a deep sleep, she finished her sentence, "and I want you out of here by 6:30…sharp. Might I suggest you leave a little earlier?"

My eyes flew open, "I thought you said the lines of communication are no longer available."

"Don't be a smart…"

"What?"

"Nevermind."

I silently giggled to myself before drifting off to sleep.

I was glad we worked things out, but I can't help but feel I was manipulated somehow…damn, I always think of something to say after the conversation has ended, this time it was about what she said before she left the room the other day, "Don't…just…don't say another word…"

That seems somewhat suss to me, but I won't dwell on it since it's quite late now. Goodnight.

A/N:

God you are fast at reviewing, aserene. I posted the last chapter and within a couple of minutes it had been reviewed by you, I admire your dedication.

I was asked a few chapters ago whether or not I think Joe was a womaniser and I've been forgetting to answer, so yes I do believe he would have been one.

I've stayed up too late writing this (it's a schoolnight). I'm so tired and I still have to have a shower.

Also, yes I do realise this chapter is damn boring, but it's one of those annoying, yet necessary fill-in chapters or whatever they're called.

Thanks for reviewing! Goodnight (well, technically morning now) everybody!