Sorry, Xiao Wie Xiao, whatevever you guessed was a Code Ment reference wasn't one. This is based on the buying-clothes-at-the-soup-store meme. I actually haven't heard of Code Ment, so I guess the meme could've come from that? Might have to check it out. So here's chapter four. It's taken a bit longer than the others. Comedy is actually pretty hard to write :| . Anyways hope you like this one as much as the last three. (That Touka-I-am-your-mother scene though XD I laughed writing that one!) So here it is, chapter four, in which the CCG have a few minutes' break... but only until Arima wakes up, after which point they have to listen to more insult-slinging and allusions to previous arguments.
Shinohara and Kuroiwa were now eating potato chips. Most of the top-ranking CCG officers were, the major exceptions being Arima, who was still out cold from laughing too hard, and Washuu, who was busy trying to wake him up. Someone had brought in snacks, and everyone who's had to deal with men for a long time will tell you that if you leave out food they'll go eat it.
"WAKE UP ALREADY!" came Washuu's voice from the other room. That was somewhat disturbing. Had ghouls finally killed Arima, though the murder weapon was laughter rather than kagune? Was it even possible to die of laughter?
"Who brought in these potato chips? They're incredible." Kuroiwa asked.
"I'm not sure. Actually, I don't know who set up the snacks," Shinohara told him.
Thirty minutes later, after wandering off, Kuroiwa came back.
"Uh, Shinohara? Nobody seems to know who got the snacks set up. You think this should be disturbing?" Kuroiwa asked.
"Mm. Well, I guess we'll all know whether it was poisoned, won't we? I mean, we all ate some." Shinohara responded.
Just then Juuzou walked in. He made a beeline for the snack table. When he started walking to Shinohara, he had a plate full of snacks and was stuffing his face. If it was poisoned, Suzuya was going down too. This could become a major problem if the food actually was poisoned...
"Hiiee! What's been going on while I wasn't here, Shinohara?" Juuzou asked.
"Well, we've been studying a videotape from a phone tap. It's quite funny, actually. We suspect they are the ghouls Rabbit and Eyepatch, but if they are they don't get along in day-to-day life as well as they do in battle and it is hilariously funny. In other words, even if this turns out to be a false tip, we'll always think of Rabbit as being the Violent Mama Ogre and Eyepatch as the Grammar Nazi. There's more to the grammar nazi insult but it's not said in a workplace."
"Can I join you? I wanna see it too!" Juuzou cried.
"Well... you'd have to ask Washuu... but it really shouldn't be a problem," Shinohara told him.
"Where's Washuu?" Juuzou asked.
"In the meeting room, trying to wake Arima." Kuroiwa told Juuzou. Juuzou happily skipped toward the conference room.
In the meeting room, Juuzou found Washuu having trouble with Arima. To be specific, Washuu was walking back and forth between Arima and the water dispenser, pouring freezing water on Arima's face. Juuzou noted Washuu's annoyed posture and the large puddle around Arima's face, from which he concluded Washuu had been trying to wake Arima with the water trick for a while now. Juuzou guessed correctly.
"Hi Washuu-sama- can I join the meeting and watch the silly video?" Juuzou almost sang.
"You wake Arima, and you can sit in the conference," Washuu said. "But you better not cause lasting damage with it, Suzuya."
"Okay, I will," Juuzou said.
Juuzou proceeded to search up the opening to The Lion King on YouTube. He turned the volume up as far as it would go, held his phone next to Arima's ear, and hit play just as he dealt out a nasty low-blow. That did the trick, all right. Arima barely restrained himself from a flurry of cuss words at the rude awakening.
"C'mon- we need to finish that video!" Juuzou sang.
'I'm gonna murder your face you bastard ghoul-raised living voodoo doll acrobat!' Arima thought. He might have said it had Washuu not been in the room. Suzuya wouldn't take offense, and even if he did Arima could take him. They had sparred before. The results weren't pretty, and for once Arima had been given a run for his money, but he had beaten the little squirrel. Eventually. Arima didn't know Suzuya would be able to beat him around so many office supplies. Washuu's presence probably saved Arima's life.
"Patience, Juuzou, " Washuu said. "We took a break while you were unconscious, Kishou. Go to the bathroom, get a snack, and then we'll resume the meeting."
About fifteen minutes later, the CCG meeting was back in session. Arima was now giving Juuzou the stink eye- not that Juuzou noticed. Suzuya was too busy looking at the projector screen.
"Alright! We have had a break, but now it is time to get back to work, men! We are to decide whether there are reasonable grounds to suspect the pair in this video are ghouls! We may be hunted for tapping this video, we may be hounded by the press if it is revealed we are hot on the tails of two powerful ghouls, and we may laugh to death as brave Arima almost did! We will not be deterred from our mission! Start the video, Arima!" As always, there was a little bit of eye-rolling at Marude's speech, but Arima almost snickered at the 'laugh- to-death' clause. 'Control yourself! You better not be getting giddy, Arima Kishou!' Arima thought.
"Where were we in the video? I didn't look before I passed out."
There were a few quiet groans at this.
"It was about ten minutes and thirty seconds, wasn't it?" Kuroiwa asked no one in particular.
"Yes, I think you're right, that's where we were," Shinohara said.
"I wouldn't know, I wasn't there," Juuzou said.
"Who invited him?" someone asked.
"Me," Juuzou replied.
Meanwhile, Arima had been fiddling with the projector. He was cursing fit to make a sailor stare within the confines of his brain. In four different languages, no less. Eventually, maybe ten minutes later, he had the annoying machine up and running. The sheer idiotic randomness called the CCG's latest wiretap started where it had been cut off.
"You fat meat market!" Kaneki picked up.
"You skinny old lady!" Touka yelled right back.
"Oh, so now I'm your grandma as well? Your family is seriously messed up!"
"YOU FAT DIRT!" Touka seemed to be running low on insults.
"Jeez, you two really have no clue what the words 'peaceful coexistence' mean, do you?" Hide commented.
They basically just ignored him.
"You skinny rat!" Touka wasn't the only one running low on insults, apparently.
"You squeaky-clean fly!"
"This squeaky-clean fly can't find the raincoats by following your directions, Ogre-brain!"
"How can you not see them, you idiot! They're literally right in front of you if you followed my instructions!"
"I followed your instructions to the details and look-" he held the phone and gave a good view of the aisle- "-they're not here! So enlighten the guy you crowned King of the Idiots yesterday!"
Juuzou found the fact that she'd crowned him King of the Idiots hilarious. So did Arima. Both of them started giggling.
"Why you think you bossin' me around, Idiot King?" Touka demanded.
"If I'm King of the Idiots, you're one of my subjects. That's why." Kaneki told her.
"Fine. Go to the end of the aisle- OTHER way, King Idiot!- now turn left. There." Touka said.
"Finally," Kaneki said. "I was starting to think you were trying to get me lost in the store."
"I was," Touka said. "You could get lost standing still in the middle of a gymnasium."
"Always so flattering, Touka-chan," Kaneki said dryly.
"Do I need to send Hide to bring you home?" Touka asked smugly.
"I sure hope not! Hide actually did get lost in the gym once!"
"Was it necessary to tell my crush that?!" Hide said idignantly.
"I did you a favor, now she won't beat the heck out of you for asking to be her boyfriend," Kaneki told him.
"Now I'll never have a chance to see if she will beat my teeth out my nose for asking," Hide whined.
"Don't worry, I would," Touka said.
Author's Note
It's been a few days since I updated this story, so here it is, possibly the longest chapter I've written. Also has the most CCG humor, so tell me what you guys think. Unfortunately this fic will probably end soon, the phone chat wouldn't be super long 'cause neither of them really like long heart-to-heart talks and Kaneki's phone would run out of battery [Touka's is plugged in] :(
But hey, I might throw in a battle scene where, I don't know, Shinohara or somebody comes across the two of them in battle, thinks of this conversation, says something about it that they overhear and it's like 'oh crap they know about that conversation'- because this whole thing would be seriously embarrassing to either one of them.