6/4/00

Oh god, I did the most terrible thing today, I'll be lucky if Clarisse ever speaks to me again.

I accidentally slept in this morning and Clarisse left her suite before I had a chance to stop her. Of course she found out about her son, got really upset and invited me into her office for a private talk. When I arrived I took a seat and stared at her – she had tear stains and mascara lines all over her face. I was going to hold her and apologise for lying to her, but she yelled at me before I got the chance, "SIT!"

I did as she commanded and watched her walk over to me and slap me across the face, "How dare you! How dare you hide my son's death from me! You had no right!"

"Darling I'm sorry-"

"Sorry just doesn't cut it! You told me nothing was wrong! You said it was your son!"

"I only did it to keep you happy, I hate seeing you depressed."

"Well Joseph you'll never have to see me cry again, you're fired!"

"Now wait just a second-"

"I can't believe you manipulated me into sympathising with you when it should have been the other way around."

"Can't you at least let me explain?"

"No! I've heard enough of your pathetically fabricated explanations!"

I raised my voice a little and stood up, meeting her gaze, "I lied once about something I thought you would have preferred not to know about!"

"How do I know that? How do I know you haven't been lying to me all along? About everything!"

"Clarisse I can assure you I-"

"And DON'T you DARE call me that again!"

"Oh? Would you prefer I call you incoherent?"

Suddenly she did something to me that was all too familiar, she tried strangling me again. Doesn't she know when to give up? Doesn't she know by now that she can't harm me with physical strength?

I grabbed her hands and pushed her onto the floor, "Alright, what's really the problem?"

"I'll tell you what the problem is," she screamed, while picking herself up from the floor, "Your son! It should have been him in that harness, not my beloved Philippe!"

That was just too much, I was able to tolerate her calling me a pathetic and manipulative liar, but to wish my son dead was another thing. That's when it happened; I slapped her. One light strike across the face and she was on the ground crying.

"You know what you are, Clarisse?"

"Get out!"

"A heartless bitch!"

She clutched the side of her face as the tears streamed down her cheeks, "NOW!"

She put her head in her hands and fell to the floor, I walked over and placed a comforting hand on her back, but she slapped it away, "Don't you dare touch me, Joseph!"

I kicked the side of her desk and stormed out of the room. I was so angry with her, but I feel so sorry now. I want to go back and apologise, but I'm not sure what she'll do, what she'll say, if she'll even speak to me...

I 'm wondering if she meant what she said when she told me I was fired, I need to talk to her.

7/4/00

I went into her suite late last night, just after I had finished writing my journal. It was very dark in there, so I figured she was asleep. I was going to leave, but I decided that I needed to talk to her then and there, so I whispered her name and walked over to the bed. The moonlight that shone through the window allowed me to see a figure lying in the bed. I sat on the opposite side and whispered, "Darling, are you awake?"

She didn't say anything, "Darling?"

I tapped her shoulder, but she didn't respond. I tried again and realised that what I was tapping was too soft to be a person, so I drew back the covers and to my surprise, I had been talking to a pile of pillows that were impersonating Clarisse, "What the…?"

I felt around the bed some more and turned on the lamp, she was nowhere to be seen.

I searched the entire suite for her, but she wasn't there. As I was about to leave, I heard a sound in the bathroom, 'That sounds like a noise,' I thought. I hadn't tried the bathroom because there was no light shining through the bottom of the door, so I walked over to the door and twisted the knob – it didn't open. I then tried knocking, but I got no answer. I tapped on the wood again, "Darling, are you in there?"

I waited for a reply, but I wasn't given one, "Darling?"

I tried twisting and pulling the knob at the same time, but it was a lost cause. My attention was drawn to her dresser and the hairpins lying atop it. With my excellent lock-picking skills I had the door open in no time.

I turned the light on and looked around for her, she was crouched between the sink and the bathtub, shielding her face from the light and from me. Something I noticed right away was the small white cylinder burning in her hand, bright, fiery, and pleasant - she had been smoking again.

"Clarisse…darling…I'm so sorry."

Her voice was husky and upsetting, "Go away…"

I took a step towards her, sensing the hurt and pain she was feeling, "Please don't come any closer."
I stopped still, "I only want to talk."

"No, please just go away."

I stepped towards her and took her hand - she flinched. I placed my hand on her sore, red cheek and looked deep into her eyes. For once, I saw fear in them, fear which was caused by me, "God, I am so sorry…I didn't mean to…"

A tear fell from my eye and she watched it fall to the floor. I put a hand over my eyes and started crying like a schoolgirl.

"Joseph…"

I looked at her and noticed that she was crying too, her hand reaching out to touch me. As I continued looking into her eyes, I felt her lips pressing against my own and soon we were locked in a deep and passionate kiss. Not to ruin the moment or anything, but her breath was disgusting, it tasted of marijuana and wine, much like it did last year at around this time. I broke the kiss and drew her into my arms, "I am so sorry, darling."

She lifted the joint back up to her lips and breathed it in, shaking as she did so.

"I thought you said you were going to get rid of it."

In between sobs she managed to reply with, "I…was, but…I couldn't bring myself…to do it."

I kissed her forehead and picked her up, taking her into the bedroom. I thought she'd be more comfortable on the bed than she would in the cooped up bathroom. I hopped under the covers with her and kissed her lightly, my hands finding their way around her waist, pulling her closer towards me.

"Joseph?" She whispered.

I buried my nose in her hair, "Mmm?"

"This is hard for me to say…but I just want you to know…whatever happens…I love you."

I was shocked – she said the three words I had been longing to hear ever since the day we met, "Oh Clarisse…"

I started kissing her again, this time harder and more demanding. Her hands met behind my back, gently pulling me on top of her. I drew back for a moment and slid her nightshirt off, dropping it lightly onto the floor. My hands wondered up her sides and came to rest on her breasts, she shivered slightly and broke the kiss momentarily in order to catch her breath. I ran my lips down her neck to her collarbone and sucked at her raw flesh, every now and then she would sigh and increase her breathing. I made my way down lower, causing her to shake even more. She brought my head up to hers and resumed caressing my mouth with her own.

From that moment on, I gave in to all my morals and boundaries and just made love to the woman. I needed her at that moment and she needed me too, all I could think of was how she had finally admitted her love to me. It made me come to the realisation that I didn't need a piece of paper to tell me if she was committed to me or not, those three words were all I ever needed.

In the morning I woke up with the Clarisse impersonators in my arms, which were impersonating her once again. In other words, she had already gotten up and decided that it would be funny to put a bunch of pillows in my arms. I buried my face into them and smiled.

For the rest of today, I spent my time wondering the gardens in search of the perfect rose to give to my perfect rose. Of course, I couldn't find one of equal beauty, so I picked the prettiest one I could find and gave it to her when nobody was watching. She seemed a bit nervous when I went to kiss her, but she soon warmed up to it…at least I think she did.

9/4/00

Clarisse called me into her office today for a "chat". The exact words on the note she had sent to me were, 'We need to talk. Meet me in my office no later than twelve thirty. Clarisse.'

"We need to talk."

My face went dull when I read that, I knew what "we need to talk" meant, I'd been through it with Lauren.

It took me a whole ten minutes of standing outside her office for me to actually go in, I was scared of what I thought she was going to say. I was right to be scared…

I walked in and kissed her hand as we sat together on the couch.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Joseph, about the other night…" She looked down at her hands, "I was mixed up."

"You're breaking up with me, right?"

"Not exactly, I just think things may be moving a little too fast."

"I agree, but..."

"Let me finish, please. I'm under a lot of stress at the moment with the death of Philippe, the changing monarchy…you, dare I say it. I don't want you to think I used you, because I didn't, I just wanted to show you how I felt, I wanted to be loved by you. I did mean what I said when I told you I loved you."

"What is it you're really trying to say?"

"We need to postpone our…relationship for a while. As you know, we have to fly to America in order to convince Philippe's daughter to accept the throne and as much as I want to be with you during that time, I just can't. I need to set an example for my granddaughter, what would she think if she knew you and I were having an affair?"

"It's not an affair…"

"Queens aren't supposed to have secret relationships with their employees."

"So lets not keep it a secret."

"I'm sorry, but that's not an option…the press add stress."

"I know."

"You're not angry with me, are you?"

"No, just disappointed."

She cupped my cheek, "When my problems fade, you shall appear."

Soon after she said this, she went into professional mode and filled me in on all of the details of the trip to America. She asked me to help her every step of the way and to do everything in my power to make young Amelia believe that taking the throne would be a change for the better.

The trip is going to take place in less than two months, because despite the events of last night, Clarisse is still depressed. There's a lot of security planning I need to take care of here and in America, because we're not taking any of our staff excluding Charlotte and I, we are hiring them from America. I'm not looking forward to this trip, because I just know it's going to add even more stress to Clarisse. I plan to stick by her the whole way through this thing and at the end, she shall be mine.

16/4/00

Clarisse has been spending her nights crying and her days working. I've been telling her to take a break from it, but she says that since there isn't anyone else to do the work, she must take it upon herself to complete it. How I wish she would take some time for herself.

A few days ago she suggested I go to anger management classes, which I thought was a fair idea seeing as though I sure could use it. I went to my first class yesterday, we all sat in a circle and told everyone why we were there.

I said, "Hello, I'm Joe and I'm a rageaholic."

Then the group replied, "Hi Joe."

"Why don't you tell us about yourself, Joe? Why are you here?"

"I have trouble controlling my hand, I hit people when they aggravate me."

"Okay, next person."

As we went around the circle, I realised that some of the other people had done far worse things than me – this made me feel slightly better. When it was back to the start, the group leader spoke, "Now what should we do when a person or thing aggravates us? We close our eyes and go to our special place, the place where nothing can go wrong. The place that makes you feel safe and secure."

I imagined myself making love to Clarisse the other night and suddenly began to feel calmer and relaxed. I thought it was a very helpful thing to do, so from now on whenever I get upset I will go to my special place and calm myself instead of hitting people.

18/4/00

My little boy became a father today! Catherine went into labour last night and had to have a c-section done, it took all night, but her and the baby are fine. Joseph is his name, guess who they named him after? Catherine's dad…oh and me as well.

I'm so happy now that I'm a granddaddy, I went in to see my grandchild early this morning, I love his little hands and feet. Holding that baby made me feel calm and relaxed, much like my special place does. I long for the day when we can do fun things together like playing sports and things like that. Of course it won't be for a few years now, but a man can dream.

31/4/00

The preparations for the trip to America are complete, on my part anyway. I'm not sure how Clarisse is doing, she has to organise for all of her paperwork and stuff to be sent over. Also, she has to arrange the flight over on Genovia One. That plane needs to be serviced before we fly on it anywhere. I'm not looking forward to the ride over, airplanes are not my cup of tea on account of the fact that they take too long to get where they're going and I feel safer knowing that if I were ever to become claustrophobic, I could go for a walk outside – not something one can achieve on a plane.

I think I may just sleep during the flight.

5/5/00

Clarisse seems to have gotten over the loss of her son, maybe "gotten" and "over" are the wrong words, "come to terms with" is probably a better way to describe it. She still gets teary if she sees his photograph or something he owned, but I assume that that will always be the case – it can't be easy to lose a son.

I think what made Clarisse happy again was the fact that her mother passed away after about sixty-five long years of tormentation towards her. She was over the moon when she got the phone call, it was the first time I'd seen her smile in weeks. I was in her office at the time she received the call.

"Hello?" She said, "Yes, this is she…what? No way!"

I saw her make a 'yesss' motion with her fist, "Oh yes…that's dreadful news…"

She held her thumb up at me, "Alright, thankyou for informing me…bye."

She hung up and threw her hands up in the air, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

"Something wrong, madam?"

"No, everything's perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect!"

She collapsed on the couch and smiled wickedly, "This has to be the best day of my life."

"And why is that?"

"My mother's dead! The old hag finally carked it!"

"That's a terrible thing to say."

"Oh I knew you wouldn't understand, I know you had a soft spot for her…"

I blushed, "I did not! We slept together a couple of times, that's it!"

I was glad she was happy, but her happiness being at the expense of a dead woman simply disturbs me.

27/5/00

Happy Birthday, Clarisse. Yes, our shining beauty turned sixty-five today. I was planning to propose to her with the ring as a birthday present, but since she told me that we're on a break, I thought it inappropriate, so I just gave her a bouquet of roses. She loved it (she's a floral fanatic).

There was no ball held, because besides the fact that she didn't want one, we are leaving for America tomorrow.

28/5/00

I am currently on a plane on my way to America.

Clarisse spent the first five hours doing paperwork, five hours straight! I noticed this when I was trying to draw a picture of her as I seem to always do on our flights. She was straining and putting her hand on her forehead a lot, so I walked over and snatched the pile of papers off her lap, "That's enough for tonight, your majesty, you need to rest."

"I was just about to take a break…"

"That's what you said an hour ago. Come on, we're going to have some tea and cake and then we're going to try and get some sleep."

I took her glasses off and placed them in her handbag, I then led her to the culinary section to pick out something to eat. She chose a slice of carrot cake, while I chose a slice of chocolate mud cake. The airhostess brought us our tea, so we thanked her and started to "chow down".

Clarisse kept talking about how much she's looking forward to meeting Amelia, that's a good thing – she's enthusiastic, unlike fifteen years ago.

After we finished eating, I asked her if she'd play a game of chess with me, naturally she accepted. I beat her twice; in the first game I was able to get her in checkmate within six moves.

In the second game all she had left were two rooks, her king and her queen, so I took the two rooks and moved in on the queen. All she was left with was the king, and kings are easy to put in check. She decided that she didn't want to play anymore after that, so she dozed off in one of the comfy armchairs. I watched her as she slept – beautifully, elegantly.

We should be landing in about five hours, it's currently midnight according to San Franciscan time and it will take about three hours to get through customs and drive to the consulate. I remember it all from last time.

We should arrive at the consulate at around eight a.m.

Damn, I stuffed up the dates. I didn't take it into account that they actually stay in America for a few weeks o0

Philippe should have actually died in March or something, but don't worry, instead of changing all the dates from the past two chapters, I'm just going to change Mia's birthday to the sixteenth of July, but you won't even notice, since I'm going to change where it says the sixth of June in another chapter. Well, maybe not right now since it's twelve forty on a school night and I've already spent fifty minutes proofreading and need to sleep.

P.S: Guess which word I made up this time lol.

Would you believe my proofreading took me from 2518 words to 3407? Lol. So tired…need sleep…

R & R!