It takes a lot of faith to believe in the notion that our tapestry we call an existence is predestined and that life is a series of moments waiting for you to make your entrance and act. Whatever it may be.

Cartman didn't believe in that. But when he walked through the door on a Tuesday afternoon, expecting the usual after school routine; he walked in on something extremely different.

When he saw his mom, slumped on the kitchen floor with gleaming ribbons of red on her forearms and profuse rivulets of blood travelling down the grooves of the tiles, he had no choice but to believe.

A moment had arrived, pushing him into the spotlight like a blinded animal and he was forced to act. Sink or swim, kid, what's it gonna be?

"Mom" he whispered, dropping his bag on the hallway carpet, everything disconnecting and blurring into a sprinting, pulsing fear that clogged his eyes with terror itself than tears, that made his insides feel like lead and his senses dissolve into one unimportant, indecipherable white-hot blur. A panic attack mixed with pure horror. Somehow, in the nightmarish space he found himself in, that unappreciated, primal instinct made him scream "MOM!"

And he ran, as if the ball was firmly in his hands and the try line was close enough to taste. Nostalgia pricked at the blind, overwhelming panic and allowed the lucid scent of grass and dirt to fill his nose, allowed the harlequin crowd to cheer distantly in his hollowed head.

But the floor fell beneath him and he seemed to land on air as he knelt close to his mom, too close; the blood staining the white of his sneakers.

"Eric" She was crying, a distressed, scratched sob like a deer shot and left unwanted in the woods. But when the kitchen knife had claimed its first road of flesh, oh, how she had screamed, howled and if she was a deer, surrounded by diamond bluebells, the birds would've flown from the trees in a frenzied hurry and she'd be left alone in the undergrowth. "Eric... Please... You have to understand..."

Cartman refused to accept the drowning lights in her eyes. NoNoNoNoNo she can't Her chest rising and falling like her failing lungs were broken wings This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to leave me like this, before Nebraska this wouldn't have happened, if that summer had vanished and been lost in infinity, this wouldn't have happened. Kyle was wrong, some events do last forever The whispers How dare you. HOW DARE YOU. Can't you see what you're doing to us?! Can you?! The blood, God, so much of it.

"No" Cartman shouted through gritted teeth, before pulling at his hair until he felt strands separate from his scalp and he cried madly "NO! I don't understand and I never will! I hate you!"

"I know" Lianne moaned mournfully, on a celestial precipice and she hated this suspense. She wanted to plummet. "I-I hate myself... But I love you so much"

"No, you don't" Cartman sobbed, wanting to rest his head on her shoulder. He remembered the smell of her perfume and how it reminded him of being tucked into bed at night, or being picked up from kindergarten. "You wouldn't have done this if you loved me!"

Lianne shook her head and she imagined herself smiling wryly, but her mouth felt numb "I have my reasons"

Cartman was already dialling 911 and staring helplessly, wide-eyed, at her blood stained arms.

"What are you doing?" Lianne whispered, her eyebrows knitted laxly in confusion and her head lulled.

Cartman ignored her, chewing on his lip and blinking away the stinging tears from his eyes.

"Eric" She painfully whispered, nervousness shredding her voice into shards "What are you doing?"

"Shut up!" Cartman shouted, before sighing shakily and saying more calmly "I'm getting help"

"No!" Lianne screamed, falling into him in an effort to grab the phone and Cartman wretched at the feeling of her arms on him, the hideous ringing in his ears from her screams and the mere thought that she wanted to die right here on the kitchen floor. "No, leave me! Go! Go to your room, right now! Eric, I'm begging you-"

"Listen to me" Cartman seethed, trembling with a heady mixture of terrifying emotions and without realizing he had grabbed her with one hand and was holding her failing body intimidatingly close to him "I am not going to my room and ignoring the fact that I'm letting my mother bleed to death on the kitchen floor. This is not the way this fucking shitstorm is ending, you got that? Because what we have may be miserable, but I will not sink that low and let you die when I sure as Hell know I can do something about it"

"But I want this to happen! Let me go!" Lianne screamed, thrashing crazily in her son's arms and Cartman felt half-dead himself as he held her, the phone ringing.

After he had managed to request an ambulance without crying down the phone at the operator or having a panic attack, his mom was still screaming at him.

"Shut up! Shut up, okay?!" Cartman snapped, running a guilty, clueless hand through his hair and not knowing what to do next. Just wait, just wait, a few more minutes is nothing, you can afford to take a few more rationed minutes He felt like if he let his mom go she would shatter irreparably, a mess of blood, a bruised heart and a pair of fake Swarovski earrings. "An ambulance is coming and there's nothing you can do about it!"

There was an empty (and greedy, Cartman thought) few minutes of silence, where Lianne had run out of tears and Cartman's ears were trained desperately on the unmistakable hook of an ambulance's wail.

"I'm sorry" Lianne whispered "Sweetheart, I really am"

"Don't say that" Cartman spoke dryly, shaking his head in frustration "You don't mean it"

"But I-"

"Don't say anything" Cartman said, his voice filled with tears and he pressed his shaking wrist to his eyes, which were turned away from his mom "I don't think we should talk about this. Not yet, it's... It's too much."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, a cyclone of questions destroyed the silence he had crafted, however, they remained unspoken. Because, sadly, Cartman knew the answers; Why did she do it? Because she was unhappy, so simply complicated. Why was she unhappy? Because she has no God damn clue what she's doing with her life since the one thing that she was so certain about was taken away from her, it would've eventually killed her, but here she was, on the verge of taking her life anyway. And she didn't need the drugs, not really, she needed help. Why wasn't he enough for her? Her own son? And Cartman couldn't bring himself to find the one answer he didn't know.

Lianne's distant, broken voice snapped the silence in half "Oh, Eric..."

And when Cartman turned to face her, his eyes red and wet, his face damp and his mouth trembling, she had managed to hook her limp arm around his own sturdy, thick one.

"My beautiful baby boy..." Her voice was thin and brittle and her eyes were locked with her son's, but Cartman felt like he was staring at a comatose sky. Dead already, and that was a horrifying thought.

"Mom" Cartman whispered, feeling like a child again, like he could fit neatly in the crook of his mom's arm, once warm, now dangerously cold. Fresh tears trembled in his eyes at the word. Mom.

"Something isn't right" Lianne confessed stubbornly, (her own frail brand of pride), stating the obvious.

Cartman couldn't help but nervously smirk at that. Thankfully, his mom didn't notice.

"Yeah, it hasn't been right for a long time" Cartman replied, his voice flat and empty "But it'll be okay" And it felt like a meaningless promise, because he knew it would never follow through.

"I love you" Lianne whispered, but to Cartman it felt like a Hallmark platitude that could be thrown in the trash in a couple of days. So he shifted uncomfortably and chose to avoid a response.

"You love me too, don't you?" Lianne asked and Cartman squirmed. Damn.

"I..." Cartman began, sighing defeatedly before answering honestly "I don't know, mom. Can you really blame me?"

"I guess not" Lianne replied simply and Cartman felt both proud and surprized by her understanding.

And as the sirens still seemed far away, Hell, as the whole world seemed distant and dancing to a more cheerful beat, Cartman and his mom were here. Waiting. Just waiting. For anything. But the only options Cartman could see was the ambulance arriving soon or Lianne dying in his arms. Oh, how he wished for the options to be elusive, at least then the possibilities would be infinite. He'd have to call Kyle. Whatever happened next, he couldn't handle this alone.

"Mom" Cartman whispered, his voice barely heard over the storm of his panic attack "I can't let you die. I can't let you do this. I can't... You can't leave me"

"I know, I know" Lianne tried to coo, she also tried to cry but there was just a depressing hollow in her chest.

"I'm scared" Cartman whispered, his words becoming lost in his mom's shoulder. She didn't smell like that old perfume, but it was good enough.

"Poopsikins, it's all gonna work out, I promise" Lianne thinly whispered into Eric's hair, not sure if she believed it herself.

"Are you in pain?" Cartman asked, thought he felt like an idiot for even asking.

"I can't really tell" Lianne replied hazily.

Cartman didn't care that he was still sobbing into his mom's shirt when the ambulance crew came and he watched with a stern, helpless expression as his mom drifted in and out of consciousness on the stretcher. She had already passed out before the ambulance arrived, but Cartman hadn't even noticed.

Reality came rushing back to him when he was on his way to the hospital, sitting in silence with total strangers, and his mom, who looked so pale and fragile against the harsh, clinical background.

He reached for his phone with trembling fingers.

"Hello?" Cartman bit back more weak tears at hearing Kyle's voice. It sounded so warm and safe, like nothing bad could ever happen to him again if he wrapped himself up in it.

"Hi" Cartman breathed out tearfully, biting his lip angrily when he realized how shook up he must have sounded.

"What's wrong?" Kyle asked, the anxiety in his voice peeling away some of the safety "Eric, what's wrong? Where are you?"

"An ambulance" Cartman replied simply "My mom, she..."

"She what?" Kyle whispered firmly.

"She tried to kill herself" Cartman answered, choking on another horrible sob.

"Oh my God" Kyle interrupted, lost before his tone became pained and shocked "Oh, Eric..."

"Yeah. I know. I mean, I don't know, God, Kahl, everything is so messed up..." His voice thick with tears as he continued "A-anyway, I'm calling because-"

"Are you on your way to Denver?" Kyle interrupted, nostalgia once again embraced Cartman at hearing Kyle so authoritative. He could smell the scotch, the cologne, Kyle's sheets...

"No" Cartman whispered, brokenly "They're, uh, taking her to Hells Pass. In South Park."

"I'll be there" Kyle answered, strong and stubborn and everything Cartman needed right now. He could just imagine Kyle busily moving around his apartment, trying to find a jacket and working out the bus schedule in his head "I promise. As soon as possible, alright?"

"Alright" Cartman brought himself to smile, relieved, as Kyle hung up.

Screw the bus this was Kyle's last coherent thought before it all became a fearful, nervous chatter in his mind.

The bus journey would've taken him too damn long, he reasoned, the possibilities of what could've happened during the unfathomable, drawn out minutes was too much. And he needed to see Eric. He didn't know what he could do or say or offer him, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to try. That didn't mean he wasn't going to be there.

So he called Stan, and as the phone rang he prayed that he wasn't busy. Thankfully, he wasn't and Kyle was surprised that Stan could decipher his impatient, fractious rambling. Maybe it was just Kyle's distressed tone that gave Stan a clue and how he kept repeating the word 'car'.

Kyle drove to South Park with a hollowing pit in his stomach. He couldn't appreciate the eternal April sky in all its technicolor glory, all he could really process were the thoughts that refused to shut up and how his hand burned against his tight grip on the steering wheel.

And when he finally saw the hospital, a sigh of relief was twinned with the screeching of the brakes.

Who the fuck names a hospital 'Hells Pass'? He chuckled and shook his head at the thought, selfishly glad that he was distracted momentarily from this blind panic.

Kyle was twelve the last time he had been toa hospital, for a diabetic related emergency. He had passed out during school and next thing he knew he was in a hospital bed, with Ike looking pale and his mom thanking the Lord that he wasn't in a coma.

But Kyle had never visited anyone in hospital, or had to support his sort-of boyfriend who was probably having a panic attack right now.

Kyle didn't realize he had sprinted from the parking lot and through the sliding doors of the hospital lobby until a few startled patients and concerned nurses noticed him.

But he ignored them all. Wondering where in the Hell Eric would be and how he could find him. Kyle called him many times in the car but it was all in vain.

He searched through a couple nameless corridors, that looked so morbidly pale and lifelessly sterilized. Wanting to call out Eric's name, so Eric could hear and appear before him magically. If only life was so perfectly poetic...

But finally, in a place that didn't seem so stripped back and claustrophobic, he saw Eric. He was chewing on his nails and pacing back and forth, from one end of the waiting room bench to another. Ignoring the TV's canned laughter and meaningless punchlines, ignoring the magazines stained with fingerprint smudges and coffee rings.

Kyle sighed silently, his shoulders draining and he smiled sadly, chest hurting.

"Eric" Kyle whispered weakly, clearing his throat and shouting with a clarity he didn't think he was capable of "Eric!"

And when Cartman turned to see him, his eyes were damp and his face was flushed, his trembles visible even from where Kyle was standing.

"Kahl" Cartman breathed out, the sudden urge to step forward and come closer, rose and fell. Instead, he spoke to himself "You came"

Mindlessly, they made their way over to each other, their movements purposeful and oozing with need even though whatever train of thought they had, had dissolved.

Cartman fell into Kyle, sobbing his name as he did, while Kyle protectively clawed at his back, as if he could inhale every inch of him and find a way to keep him safe. Kyle's heart broke and sunk as his shoulder grew wetter and Cartman's fingers trembled over Kyle's sturdy, unmoving self, desperately trying to grip something real and right.

Cartman breathed Kyle in greedily, addicted to how he felt in Kyle's arms and their hearts ferociously pumping together, defying the craziness around them and stubbornly beating for each other. He wished he could stop crying, but he thought that if he stopped, Kyle would let him go. A small, hopeful voice whispered thinly in the back of his mind that would never happen.

But Cartman eventually lifted his head and started to take shallow, hard breaths, something intangible and cruel making him want to fall on the floor.

Words rushed back to Cartman, like an injection of oxygen into drowning lungs and he found himself saying, breathless and hysterical, tears clogging his voice as he did "It was horrible. God, Kahl, it was terrible. She was just slumped on the floor and there was so much blood running down her arms and on the floor, and fuck, on her clothes and I couldn't hear her crying until I rushed over to her and it was even worse up close. There was so much and it was so red and I screamed at her, Kahl. I fucking screamed at her because I hate her and what she's become and what she's done but she can't die, she can't, because she's my mom and I need her, I want her around. She can't end it like this, she can't die, I won't let her, Kahl, I won't, I swear to God, I won't..."

"I know, I know, you won't" Kyle moaned, his slender fingers had slid up Eric's jaw and he planted passionate, reassuring kisses all over Eric's tear-stained face. Tears filled his own eyes, made his own lips tremble. Kyle smirked weakly "You're a very determined young man"

Cartman stared around, bewildered, trying to find his words as he felt like his lungs were being ripped apart by carnivorous, scraping breaths.

"Everything is so messed up, you know? I was crying so much and holding her because I couldn't let her go, because God knows what would've happened but then the ambulance guys came and they said she had passed out... I hadn't even noticed, Kahl. It just didn't feel real or possible, it felt so bizarre and cruel and I wish it could all just end with no ramifications. But, but, fuck, all I knew was, I needed you. I needed you here, I needed you so badly because I don't know what to do and I don't think I can handle this alone, I can't-"

"It's okay, I'm here, it's alright" Kyle reassured, his voice strong. He continued to kiss Eric's face over and over, kissing his forehead, his cheeks, his jaw, his nose and his eyes when they were closed "I'm here, everything will be fine"

And Cartman wanted to believe him, because it was all he had. So he stopped talking then, grinding his teeth in searing anger at this whole situation.

He pressed his forehead to Kyle's and stared deeply into his eyes, and Kyle's eyes held the same intense look.

They began to soften, their breathing slowing down and they were too exhausted and overwhelmed to find any words.

But as soon as Cartman started to cry again, Kyle firmly pressed his lips to Eric's. And Cartman had never been more grateful for Kyle's kiss.

"So, where have they taken her?" Kyle asks, not expecting a response.

"I dunno" Cartman shrugs, the first time he'd spoken in a couple of thoughtful, panicked hours. "She's probably in an ICU or something. I dunno. The cuts are pretty bad..."

There was too much on his mind to really articulate, and he figured it was best to dream about any words he could say, than actually talk.

The panic attacks every five minutes didn't help either.

Cartman had held Kyle's hand tightly during the first panic attack while Kyle jolted in groggy surprise. Once their hug had broken, Eric withdrew from any further contact and although Kyle couldn't help but want to hold him, he understood that if Eric felt more comfortable in his own reclusive shell; then that was okay. Still, that didn't mean Kyle couldn't ponder what it would be like to bring Eric close to him, stroke his hair and murmur that everything was going to be fine. Although, in all honesty, Kyle wasn't sure whether that was true.

But when Kyle felt Eric grip his hand, his own panic set in and he helplessly looked around for a nurse to magically appear and calm Eric down. But it was just them. In an empty waiting room who's cloying attempts at comfort were taxing.

So Kyle tilted Cartman's chin and forced their eyes to meet and before they knew it they were taking deep, calming breaths together. As if that would extinguish any anxiety ridden thoughts.

Kyle hoped that Eric would keep their hands firmly intertwined, if only to assure him that Eric was okay. But as soon as the heavy breathing simmered down along with the crippling panic, their hands broke away.

Kyle tried to hide his sigh of disappointment and Cartman went back to barely controlling his thoughts.

Kyle fidgeted uncomfortably before asking "Has she ever tried this before?" Although he had the impression that if she had tried this before, Eric would've told him about it.

Cartman shakes his head, his eyes a forlorn reflection of their usual, tenaciously vibrant selves. Everything about him seemed drained, and he sure as Hell felt it. And if the damn lights weren't so intrusive and bright and if the world didn't seem so threatening, he would've happily fallen asleep.

"I'm so tired..." Cartman groaned, an understatement if he'd ever heard one.

"Me too" Kyle yawned, nudging Eric's arm and saying "Maybe you should go to sleep. I'll stay up so if any doctors come over to talk to you, I can wake you. Do they know you're here?"

"Yeah, this is where they told me to wait. Although I was the only one here" Cartman replied "And it's okay, I'd rather stay awake"

"If you're gonna stay up, you're gonna have to drink some coffee" Kyle pointed out, rubbing Eric's shoulder softly.

"Stop telling me what to do" Cartman muttered irritably, meanly shrugging Kyle's hand away.

Kyle bit his tongue before he could ask 'What's the matter?' because that was obvious. Instead, he asked "What do you mean?"

"It's pretty clear" Cartman snapped, running a frustrated hand through his hair "Just stop telling me what to do"

"I'm not telling you what to do" Kyle replied defensively, though he admitted to himself quietly that he kinda was. But he wasn't gonna tell Eric that.

"Yes you are!" Cartman shouted "I don't wanna go to sleep! I don't want coffee! Honestly, I don't know what the fuck is going on! Nothing is making sense to me! And if I can't make my mind up then I don't want you feeling like you have to do it for me!"

Kyle sighed, his face reddening with both anger and guilt. His voice was tense when he replied, as calmly as possible "Look, I get that you're confused and beyond upset right now but-"

"It's-" Cartman interrupted, his voice strained with some incomprehensible frustration, he took an unsteady breath before continuing, gently but still conflicted "God damn it, it's not that"

"What?"

"I'm not pissed off at you telling me what to do because I'm confused or upset..." Cartman began to explain, even though Kyle's words held a considerable amount of truth. "I'm pissed off because you don't have any faith in me!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?!" Kyle shouted, his trademark anger flaring. Even in his exhausted, mixed up state, Cartman kinda liked that. It was that eternally burning passion that he couldn't help but be intrigued with, excited by.

"You think that in situations like these, I'm just a naïve little kid who has no idea what he's doing, or understands how big of a depressing fucking deal this is!" Cartman shouted, he had almost forgotten how intimidating he can be when he's mad, how prepossessing his voice can be when he shouts. Before Kyle can interrupt (who was staring at Cartman with unshakeable, fierce eyes throughout all of this, his immunity to Cartman's rage was undeniably and infuriatingly hot) Cartman continues "Just because I'm younger than you, doesn't mean I don't know how to handle it when things all go to shit! I'm not a clueless moron!"

Kyle pursed his lips together, inwardly sighing stubbornly before exhaling, agitated "But I-"

"I don't wanna hear it!"

"Well, tough fucking shit, you're going to, okay?!" Kyle snapped and Cartman couldn't help but yield. "I never meant to make you feel that way-"

"Alright! So can you at least apologize?"

"What?! Why?"

"Because I need you too, alright? Just quit acting so perfect and innocent and apologize... Then, we can move on, I really don't wanna keep fighting. So just apologize even if you don't think you should."

"Fine" Kyle sighed after a proud few seconds "I'm sorry"

Cartman nodded, lukewarm and still unsatisfied. Meanwhile, Kyle stared at him, looking for any sign of supposed forgiveness or just any sign that he was doing alright in the slightest possible way.

"Happy now?" Kyle asked flatly.

"No..." Cartman smiled sadly, shaking his head and pressing his wrists to his burning eyes. His breath stammered and as he slumped into Kyle's shoulder he muttered self-loathingly "God damn it, Kahl"

Kyle welcomed him unconditionally, wrapping his arms around him. His fingers found themselves in Eric's hair, reminding themselves just how much they loved running through it. Kyle stared at Eric in a gaze of both pity and adoration.

"I'm a fucking dick, Kahl" Cartman murmured sincerely, and although he detested how it sounded in his own voice, he hugged Kyle tighter and whispered wetly into his neck "I'm sorry..."

"Shut up" Kyle smirked wickedly into Eric's hair. After a while, Kyle rested his cheek on Eric's head and smiled warmly at the scent of his shampoo and how the chestnut shade of his hair looked up close. Cartman closed his eyes thankfully, wondering why they hadn't been sitting like this the entire time.

"You had a point, though" Kyle confessed uneasily "I was kinda bossy, but that's just what I do in scary situations."

"You're scared?" Cartman asks, though it sounded more like a whimper.

"Of course I am" Kyle replied, like it was obvious, squeezing Cartman protectively he continued "I'm worried about you"

He lowered his voice and added "You may not have noticed this but I like you a lot"

"God, I didn't notice at all" Cartman teased.

Kyle ruffled his hair and grinned into Eric's lovely hair. Becoming more serious, he added pensively "And I know you're capable of handling this. I think you're capable of so many great things, you just haven't realized it yet"

"You think so?" Cartman asked, nobody had ever told him that. His elementary school class reports hinted at a wasted potential, application of himself would take him far but all of that paled in the harsh, critical light that he found himself swathed in. Words like miscreant, troublemaker, bastard, delinquent, asshole, terror were spat and stamped on him until he started to strive to be that way, because he figured nobody wanted him to be any different. Prove them all right. It never occurred to Cartman to prove them all wrong. Even his own mother despaired over him, her love was unconditional to a point of delusion, but after Nebraska, like so many things about her, it started to wane. But here he was, being held by this wonderful man, who wanted him and cared for him like Cartman dreamt somebody would, and he was telling him that there was more, that he fervently believed in him; just another kid with tons of baggage from a pissant mountain town. Cartman had found Kyle at long last and it seemed like a forever ago.

"Totally. You have no idea how much faith I have in you, Eric." Kyle answered sincerely, kissing Eric's hair. "You're gonna be fine, better than that... You're gonna be great"

And, for Cartman, there were no more 'maybes'. In that moment he knew he was in love with Kyle, regardless if it was a bad idea or a great one.

Cartman was half-asleep when Kyle forcefully nudged him.

A jaded, unphased doctor stared at them with a lukewarm slither of curiosity before Cartman and Kyle composed themselves.

"You're Eric Cartman, yes?" The doctor asked, his voice a sleepy yet sobering tone that could give you a miserable prognosis and the football score in the same breath.

"Yeah" Cartman nodded, tempted to yawn.

"And I don't believe I know who you are" The doctor unsurely directed at Kyle, who exhibited none of Cartman's awkwardness or exhaustion.

"Kyle Broflovski" Kyle said, extending his hand for the doctor to shake, and from what Cartman could gather, Kyle seemed to be the person who was putting the most effort into this pleasantry.

"I see..." The doctor nodded, and Cartman scowled at this asshole's unfair distaste of Kyle. Seriously, who the Hell did he think he is?

Maybe it was the frail balancing act of all kinds of emotions that made Cartman shift uncomfortably in his seat and add, both pointedly and thoughtlessly "He's my boyfriend"

Kyle bit the inside of his cheek to contain a proud smirk at Eric. But that didn't stop him from shooting him a surprised, impressed look.

"Well, it's nice to meet you" The doctor coughed into his startled fist, with a politeness that couldn't be more fake if he tried.

"How's my mom doing?" Cartman asked, itching to get out of this chair.

The doctor rolled his shoulders back, almost in preparation for what Cartman was about to see, before he pushed his glasses further up his nose and said "Follow me this way"

As they walked the short distance to Lianne's room, Cartman stared at his sneakers like he was willing for his feet to move faster. Every attempt Kyle made to hold his hand was fruitless, since Eric's hands were fidgeting with some defensive, impatient energy.

"Here she is" The doctor announced, presenting her like she was an auction piece at the County Fair.

Cartman didn't know whether he was allowed to go in her room, but he couldn't bring himself to turn the doorknob. Kyle's breath hitched expectantly behind him, trained on Eric and wincing as soon as he started to tremble, knowing that if he tried to touch him, he would just be batted away.

Looking at her pale, cleansed body fading into the starched white of the bed, Cartman reminded himself of the first few days after Nebraska. Where hour-long naps extended into nights and days. Cartman would watch contemplatively from his mom's bedroom doorway, she wouldn't toss or turn into her lavender scented pillow, she didn't move or whimper like she was enveloped in dreams, she sprawled herself under clean pastel sheets like she'd been caught in a warpath. An empty vessel that couldn't even cling to that one merciful piece of fat that her purifying drought that had left her. But now, Cartman realized, as his own reflection blurred in the door's tiny window, she looked numbed, a vessel now bloated on medication and a terrifying reality to wake up to. Bandaged and sedated like a doll that's in constant need of fixing.

"She's stable" The doctor droned on, Cartman was barely listening while Kyle was self-appointedly hooked on every word "But she's on a lot of medication since she was in such agonizing pain. She lost so much blood that we were unsure she'd make it, but she seems like a very strong woman underneath it all. Very determined to keep holding on-"

"I think that runs in the family, doc" Kyle murmured, his fingers ghosting the nape of Eric's neck and Eric weakly smiled in appreciation, a blush growing behind his ears.

"There are concerns obviously about her mental well-being, and we'd feel more at ease if we kept her here for a while. Maybe organised some psychiatric help, counselling and such..."

Cartman nodded, glancing back at the doctor to show him he was taking this very seriously. That he was mature, like Kyle.

"I'm assuming that it's just you and your mom at home, yes?" The doctor asked.

Cartman nodded, not even wanting to think about home. All the lights will be off and those kitchen tiles will still be screaming red.

"I'm sure you're perfectly capable of looking after yourself, young man, but if you think you'd feel safer staying with others, if I were you, I'd start trying to arrange-"

"He's staying with me" Kyle interrupted firmly, gripping Eric's hand and challenging the doctor with his fervent emerald stare.

Meanwhile, Cartman studied Kyle's face for even a hint of hesitancy, but he found none.

"I think I want to leave now..." Cartman had dryly whispered after a few more thoughtful, silent minutes of staring at his mom through the small window.

Kyle sighed deeply before clearing his throat and muttering "Alright. Let's go..."

They both took one last look of Lianne before they started to walk away. She was a very attractive woman, Kyle had realized, and even though the features of her face were distant, they were still undeniably Eric. The delicate, ski-slope nose and a bottom lip that was slightly fuller than the top one. Still, it was hard to imagine her and Eric behaving like mother and son, greeting each other in the morning and when he came home from school, celebrating birthdays and having arguments over chores and curfews. Determined she may be, but to Kyle she certainly didn't seem strong-willed or responsible.

It wasn't until they reached the lobby did Cartman rest his head on Kyle's shoulder and warmly welcome Kyle's arm wrapped around his waist. But the rest of the car ride was spent in, an expected, silence.

And for once, when Kyle gently placed his hand on Eric's knee, he didn't mind when Eric didn't respond. He just kept his fingers right there, smiling pitifully to himself when he glanced over and saw that Eric's damp eyes were trained on the night sky and the rows of darkened mountains.

"What do you want to do, now?" Kyle asked when they finally arrived at his apartment, to Cartman, the car journey felt like hours.

"Sleep" Cartman yawned, leaning against the wall and pawing lazily at his tired eyes.

"Right" Kyle whispered, but Cartman had already started to make his way to Kyle's room and he threw himself on the bed.

Kyle had silently crept to the open doorway of his room, resting his head against the frame and with a small smile, he stared at Eric with fascination. Curled up, with his back facing him, for such a tall guy he seemed like a detached, frightened child, trying vainly to keep warm but with his defenses raised ridiculously high.

The artificial lights of the city meant that Kyle's room was never truly dark, and seeing a troubled Eric lying on his bed so innocently, Kyle had never been more grateful for the constant presence of forever-glowing streetlights.

"You can come over here, if you want" Cartman suddenly spoke, Kyle smirked at his caustic laced tone "It is your bed after all..."

Kyle rolled his eyes and quietly chuckled, before lying on the bed next to Eric.

"How did you know I was staring at you?" Kyle asked, wrapping his arm around Eric's waist while the other arm was rested under his own head.

"I dunno" Cartman shrugged sleepily, moving his body closer to the wall of heat behind him. "I just sort of... figured out you were there, I guess"

"What do you think that means?" Kyle joked, playfully nipping at Eric's ear.

"That I'm psychic" Cartman deadpanned, his vision blackening as sleep began to claim him.

"Smartass" Kyle teases, nuzzling into Eric's hair and kicking the back of his leg.

"Get used to it" Cartman smirked, his hand reaching out for Kyle's, their fingers becoming intertwined and charting the rise and fall of his breathing.

Kyle squeezed Eric's hand in appreciation and melted when Eric arched his back ever so teasingly. Kyle had to shift slightly so he wouldn't get too excited, he thought a boner would kill the moment and attending to said boner would be the last thing on Eric's mind.

"Do you realize that this is the first time I've ever stayed the night?" Cartman asked.

Kyle had noticed, but he played it cool "Oh, yeah, I guess it is..."

"It's kinda sad. I never thought this is how I'd spend my first night with you in bed"

Kyle's eyebrows quirked in surprise, some excitable, sizzling heat in his groin twitching. He got the feeling that controlling his arousal may be difficult. "Well, how did you imagine it?"

"I just thought, well, that we wouldn't be lying over the covers for a start" Cartman replies "And we certainly wouldn't have our clothes on, and we'd be too strung out to talk, but so satisfied that we don't really need to have a conversation. It'd be like every other time we've laid in bed after having sex, except it'd last longer. I wouldn't have to worry about going home..."

Silence. Trespassed by distant sirens and car horns. It wasn't the kind of after sex silence that the both of them so enjoyed and cherished. In a way, it was even better. It was a silence of understanding and appreciation, that they were so chastely and dreamily close, that they were intangibly surrounded by such tender protection.

"There's always tomorrow night" Kyle grinned, trailing his hot lips down Eric's neck.

"Can't wait" Cartman breathed out, smiling wickedly when his head dipped back and Kyle took full advantage; claiming his neck with lovebites, before ending his conquest with a sweet peck on his chin.

"Good night, Kahl" Cartman whispered, feeling limp.

"Good night, Eric" Kyle replied huskily, making a pillow out of Eric's shoulder.

And Cartman felt pretty damn glad that he fell asleep to the feeling of Kyle's kisses on his neck.

As usual, in Kyle's apartment, Hell, in Kyle's arms, his problems felt miles away.

A/N: Yay! Drama bomb (sort of) dropped.

Honestly, guys, I don't really know what's gonna happen with his fic. I really want to finish it because I'd feel bad if I didn't, but I also just feel so underwhelmed by this fic in general. I dunno. Plus, I have a lot going on with school and stuff lately so maybe after my A Levels finish I'll feel more positive. So, I'm not technically giving up on this story but, yeah, I figure that the readers of this story should know how I'm feeling about it all.