This is a head canon I have for Cana involving Gildarts. A special thanks to my super awesome friend, CK, for helping with edits and advice!
Disclaimer: I don't own Fairy Tail, but I wish I did.
Warning: Mentions of alcoholism and psychological addiction.
We all have our vices. Our addictions.
Whether it's sex or drugs, fighting or alcohol. There's always something that we start, then never find a way to stop. Do we lack the courage? The conviction? The motivation it takes to stop?
I don't think that's it. I just think that sometimes, however bad our vice is, a world without it is worse.
My name is Cana Alberona, and this is how I discovered my vice.
There had always been something missing while I was growing up, but I could never figure out what. The obvious answer would be an actual relationship with my dad. But that wasn't it, or not exactly, anyway. Without telling him who I was, we were close enough. I'd like to think we were friends. He would always check up on me and see how I was doing on the rare occasion he bothered returning to the guild hall.
I was quick to learn that Gildarts took long, difficult missions almost exclusively.
I was sad to see him leave every time, knowing he'd be gone for several months at least, but I knew I'd get a wide grin and a pat on the head the next time he walked through those doors.
Studying spells helped to pass the time, and my fortune telling was able to give me some warning when Gildarts was coming home. When he found out that I was learning card magic, my dad grinned and ruffled my hair. My heart almost gave out, it was beating so fast. He was so proud of me.
But something was still missing.
Maybe it was because, while his praise meant a lot to me, it wasn't any different than what I received from the other guild members. We were all family in Fairy Tail. All supportive of each other's accomplishments. Wakaba and Macao were especially enthusiastic about my progress, but it was different with Gildarts.
He was the only one I cared about making proud.
It wasn't until my 16th birthday that I realized that wasn't completely accurate.
I was sitting at one of the tables with Macao and Wakaba, each with a pint of beer in front of them. I asked Macao if I could try some. Why not? It was my birthday, after all. He debated for a bit, but Wakaba convinced him that a little sip wouldn't hurt me. Plus they were celebrating my birthday, so with a sigh, the corners of his lips twitching upwards, Macao slid his cup over to me.
Then the bells started to ring, and the whole guild went into an uproar. Guess I'm not the only one excited to see him. I didn't want to seem too interested in his entrance so my gaze fell back to the borrowed pint before me. My hands wrapped around it. I hear the guild doors open. The cheers. I ignored it, and as I begin lifting the pint to take a sip, a large hand came from above me and snatched it out of my hand. A bit of crash magic sent it clattering across the hall.
When I looked up, my dad was standing over me. There was something about the way he was looking at me. Narrowed eyes. A frown. A furrowed brow. Was he mad at me? Disappointed?
My heart skipped a beat.
He scolded me. Told me I was too young. That I shouldn't become a drunkard like my friends.
It skipped again.
Heat crawled up my cheeks, and I lowered my head in embarrassment.
Damn dad.
My heart thumped, and I held back a gasp as my eyes widened. This feeling was...
My lips formed a smirk, eyes sparking with mischief, and I quickly grabbed Wakaba's beer. Making direct eye contact with Gildarts, I took as large a gulp as I could handle. It was a strange bitter taste and not overly pleasant either, but I fought back a shudder while I watched my dad's face turn a dark red as he gritted his teeth. Snatching the beer from me again, he tossed it over his shoulder.
"No," he told me. It was the most parental thing he'd ever done. It was irritating. It was embarrassing. It was...addictive.
I was hooked. I knew what I had been missing.
From that day on, whenever Gildarts came back to Fairy Tail, I made sure I had beer in front of me. It worked the first few times, but then he started to just shrug and ignore it. Accept it. So I took it farther. I would chug enough so that a pleasant warmth built in my belly, my cheeks red and my eyes unfocused, and it worked. The first time he took away the beer, and I could see that disappointment and frustration, I was so happy. Once again, I was able to pretend that he actually knew I was his daughter.
Then he got used to me being tipsy.
So I took it farther.
Instead of tipsy, I was sloshed.
The first time left me puking my guts out in the guild hall's bathroom. I kneeled on that tiled floor, sweat clinging to my forehead as my stomach rebelled, but I didn't care. Because he had frowned at me. Was displeased with me. Just like I wanted.
So I took it farther.
Instead of sloshed, I was incoherent.
Obviously, I don't really remember the first time I got blackout drunk, or any of the many times after. Just faded images. Drinking with the guild. Puking. Fooling around with random guild members. More drinking. But most importantly, amongst the flashes, some of which I'd rather not remember, is a pair of narrowed black eyes.
So I took it farther.
As my tolerance grew, I started drinking from barrels instead of pints.
The look on my dad's face when he saw me holding my own personal barrel to drink from is ingrained in my memory. The disbelief. Running a hand through his auburn hair while he furrowed his brow. That disappointment.
I craved that look. Would lay in my bed, mind hazy from the alcohol, and dream about it.
Soon after, I became the infamous drunkard of Fairy Tail.
I made him watch as that innocent girl he first met outside the door became a raging alcoholic. And he doesn't even know I did it all for him. But I was left with nowhere left to go. Nothing else I could do to up the ante in order to get his attention.
So he stopped noticing.
Once I realized that drinking was no longer helping me, I was going to stop. Promise. No point in it if it couldn't keep getting me my dad's attention. But every time I tried, I would remember why I started. I would think about how I wanted him to act like a parent. How, when I used to drink, he did. Maybe the next time he would care again. He would scold me. So I kept drinking.
He never did, and each taste of alcohol brought that image into my mind. The one I saw when I was 16. That frown. The narrowed eyes. The furrowed brow. A beautiful mixture of anger and disappointment. The kind you could only see from a parent to a child.
That was my vice. Is my vice. For Gildarts, my dad, to scold me. To be angry with me. Disappointed in me. To act like a parent. To make me feel like his daughter.
Is that so wrong?
~I~
Cana leaned back in her chair, stretching her arms up over her head. It was late, after three in the morning according to the clock on the wooden desk. The brunette had gone to Lucy's apartment earlier that evening to talk. To seek advice. She still couldn't find the words to admit that Gildarts is her father.
She folded her hands behind her head and closed her eyes, tilting the chair back onto its hind legs. The apartment had been totally silent since Lucy went to bed a couple of hours ago. Ever the writer, the celestial mage had suggested that Cana write down what was bothering her. Looking back over what she wrote, the card mage couldn't believe that that was what had started her drinking habit. At the time, getting Gildarts' attention was all that mattered so Cana didn't even think about what she was doing to herself. After that, drinking was just something she did. It became a part of who she is.
Maybe it's time to finally cut back, she pondered. Dropping the chair back onto all four legs, Cana reached into her back pocket and pulled out that small, silver flask she kept for emergencies. Her finger circled the cap once. Twice. One last time before she popped it open.
Cana took a large gulp.
She saw a furrowed brow. Narrowed eyes. A frown.
Her cheeks flushed, whether from the liquor or shame she did not know.
Hey, dad.
Hope y'all enjoyed it!