A/N: I'm really nervous about this chapter, you'll see why as you read on...
Like always
Cartman took more comfort in those words than he would care to admit. He took more comfort in them than he did the sealed wounds on his mother's wrists and the knives sleeping in the drawers.
Because just like those drawers, the wounds could be opened. If she was so inclined. After all, wasn't this just like Nebraska? A slick coat of optimism, discharge papers and bags in the hallway. Because while the medication was humming and the smell of the hospital still lingered on her clothes, Cartman knew that they couldn't alter or repair his mother's thoughts. And call him cynical, but he really didn't think they screamed 'recovery!'. Far from it.
Walking back into his house, he could have sworn he was eight years old again. Three months, a week, Cartman had been taught to think of them the same way.
"Mom, what are you doing?" Cartman asked suspiciously, since she hadn't acknowledged the slam of the front door. Instead she was stood quietly by the sink. Perhaps looking out over the mountains and the overcast sky?
"Making coffee" Was her lazy, gentle reply "Do you want some?"
"No" Cartman answered "But, still, let me do it..." Somehow finding the strength in his currently wavering legs to walk to the kitchen.
"Sit down, mom" He instructed softly, ignoring Lianne's obedience. He would rather focus on the pedestrian task of making coffee.
"Well, this is nice" Lianne spoke and Cartman felt a strange sense of relief when his mouth twitched into somewhat of an amused smile "Should I expect this all the time?"
Cartman shook his head and smirked "Maybe for a couple of days. But I'm not gonna be your butler, do you understand?"
"Fair enough" Lianne sighed, a playful edge to her voice that Cartman swore he had never heard before "It's best that I just get on with things, right? Do things on my own like I used to, which I'm perfectly capable of, aren't I? Can't wallow in self pity, I've done enough of that..."
A hard lump rose in Cartman's throat at hearing those words, but he swallowed it quickly. His mother actually taking responsibility? Not being so infuriatingly delusional about her situation? It almost garnered a slither of respect. But, still, almost. Cartman wasn't stupid enough to fall for it all just yet. Too soon.
So he decided to slightly change the topic. "So, uh, how are you feeling anyway?"
Lianne exhaled heavily, as if the weight of all these troubled years was exhausting. Cartman supposed that it was. He certainly felt tired. "I don't know, Eric" She finally answered, with a painful honesty in her voice.
"Happy to be home, I guess?" Lianne said, before her voice became firmer "No, I'm definitely happy to be home."
"Happy to see you" She smiled warmly when Cartman handed her a mug of coffee and hesitantly sat down next to her. Lianne couldn't pretend not to see the caution, she felt it was deserving of her. "Darling, I missed you so much..."
"I visited you everyday" Cartman cringed.
"Eric, you don't understand" Lianne frowned, shaking her head. "I had so much time to think in there. I thought about all these years. And I still don't know how I feel, except that I regret not giving you everything you deserved. I regret being so selfish at your expense. You do not know how much I regret not being there for you, whether you needed me or not. And that's why, even though you visited me everyday, I missed you. Because it just reminded me how much of your life I've let slip by, and I can't take it back. But I can try to make it better, can't I?"
"Mom..." Cartman whimpered helplessly, utterly conflicted as too many emotions washed over him at once "I know that you did your best-"
"I know that too" Lianne interrupted "And I have a lot of wonderful memories where I made you happy, and so I was happy. But, now, when you look back, as a young man, can you honestly say that I gave you the childhood you wanted?"
"No" Cartman whispered, staring down at the floor. Unsure whether it was out of guilt or that he didn't want his mom to see the tears in his eyes.
"And that's okay" Lianne soothed, tipping Eric's chin up with her dainty fingers "Because you're right"
"So now what?" Cartman asked, hostility threatening to spill over. How could he not feel this way when he was so defeated? So confused? "What can you do about it?"
"Well, I can't change what I did" Lianne began, pausing then as the bloody, regrettable scene flashed before both her and Eric's eyes "But that doesn't mean I should do nothing about it. So the hospital referred me to a counsellor and I'm going there in two days"
"Really?" Cartman asked, disbelief marring his skepticism.
"Yes" Lianne nodded proudly "For weekly visits"
"That's..." Cartman began distantly, before matching his mother's smile, albeit sadly "That's great, mom. Honestly"
"I'll have to be patient, of course" Lianne reasoned "But I hope it'll be worth it"
"I really think it will..." Cartman spoke to himself, but glad that his mom heard him.
Lianne sighed in exasperation before burying her head in her pale hands "God, I don't know what I'm feeling. Is that a good thing or a bad thing, do you think?"
"A good thing" Cartman answered, with a confidence that startled him and his mom "Because if you don't know what you're feeling then the options are infinite" And Cartman felt his heart ache in his chest at Kyle's words that he knew he would never forget.
"Where did you hear that?" Lianne laughed.
"Kahl" Cartman confessed, blushing. Saying his name in front of his mother when he could still taste him in his mouth and when he was craving him so longingly felt oddly dangerous.
"Well, that's very insightful of him" Lianne nodded thoughtfully.
"He's a smart guy" Cartman pointed out, praying that he wouldn't start blushing as thoughts of Kyle silenced everything else.
"Change, Eric" Lianne realized, the word making Cartman bristle uncomfortably "That's it. Things need, and are going to, change. For the better"
"Sure, mom" Cartman nodded, but that still didn't dismiss those horrid, anxious thoughts of change taking too much away from him. Doing bad so there will be much needed good. And he thought of Kyle again, with an overpowering, frightened sense of protection. Of never letting him go but wondering whether he was capable of doing that.
Change. Cartman couldn't begin to warm to the word.
"I told my mom about infinity..." Cartman confessed to Kyle, as he stared up at his blank ceiling in his lonely room.
"The concept was completely alien to her?" Kyle asked, confused.
"No, it's not like that" Cartman chuckled and Kyle smiled at how Eric could breathe crisp life into the static "I mean, I explained your thoughts about infinity to her. I think it's catching on"
"Maybe that's what my novel should be about" Kyle suggested, before sighing "Things that are infinite..."
"I think a lot of people would subscribe to the Kyle Broflovski school of thought on the concept of time and space..." Cartman smirked.
"I sound like a physicist" Kyle laughed, pinching the bridge of his nose and musing "I could make a fortune on being a hack"
"You're not a hack, Kahl" Cartman replied, his voice becoming soft and so naïvely hopeful that it pained Kyle beautifully "That's one thing you could never be"
"Cynical. That's one thing you could never be" Kyle smiled and Cartman cringed because that was far from the truth "So young. It's sweet. Take it from an old man, you wanna preserve this attitude."
"Alright, first" Cartman began, sitting up in bed "You're not even thirty yet. Even I'm offended that you just called yourself an old man. Secondly, I happen to be a very cynical teenager, but just not around you. Because, quite frankly, you're the only person I can let myself believe in"
"Well, I am honoured. Truly" Kyle smiled fondly, satisfied with hearing Eric's soft breathing and the flattered swoon of his heart. "So, what exactly did you tell your mom about my philosophy?"
"Well, she said that she didn't know what she was feeling-"
"Understandable"
"Yeah, but a part of me thinks she's lying. Or rather, withholding information. I think she's guilty and scared but she doesn't wanna admit it out loud and certainly not to herself"
"Understandable also"
"And she was worried whether not knowing what she's feeling is a good thing or a bad thing and I told her it was a good thing. Because if you don't know what you're feeling, or what you want, then the options and possibilities are infinite"
"Spoken like a true student" Kyle jokes, before both ends of the line crumbled into hushed, secretive laughter.
"God, I miss you already" Cartman sighed, burying his face in his pillow in utter disappointment with himself.
"I miss you too" Kyle hated to reply.
"You know what my mom said to me after you left? She said that things need to, and are going to, change around here" Cartman said incredulously, as if the idea was absolutely blasphemous "But what if I don't want them to change?"
"I thought you didn't like the way it was before?" Kyle asked, furrowing his eyebrows but understanding Eric's resistance.
"Well, of course I don't want things to be like they were before but..." Cartman paused, pursing his lips together before his half-formed, not so coherent thoughts could stumble out of his mouth without consideration or tweaking. "Change is huge. It has this gigantic domino effect, stepping on a butterfly and changing the course of history effect, and there's no way to stop it. Or be careful. It takes way too fucking much, things that you thought were in your control but they're not. You ask for an inch and suddenly you get given a mile that you didn't want and has destroyed your town, you know? Am I making any sense?"
"You're making perfect sense" Kyle smiled, half amused and half defeated by inevitable truth "That's why I regret the promise I made earlier"
"What promise?" Cartman asked quietly.
"I promised that I'm not gonna let things change between us" Kyle replied "But as I drove home I realized exactly what you just said. Change is gonna happen, it's gonna happen right under our noses. Because it's a sneaky bastard. Nobody can stop it. And I don't like making promises I can't keep. It's not fair. So, I propose, that we embrace the change. Whatever that may be"
"But what if it's for the worst?" Cartman whispered, wishing Kyle would keep talking because silence would only be bearable if he was in his arms.
"Let's not think about that" Kyle answered, both him and Cartman convincing themselves that it was with confidence "Remember, we don't know what's gonna happen. The options are wonderfully infinite. We could barely survive, we could get married-"
They both set their imaginations free and laughed like Hell at that one.
"We could break up or we could get eaten alive by panthers that have escaped from Denver Zoo" Kyle concluded, the ridiculousness of liberated jungle cats did a remarkable job of softening the blow of the former possibility.
"And forever could be possible?" Cartman suggested, biting his lip hopefully.
"Exactly" Kyle grinned, which caused Cartman's smile to widen "And I'd like to see if that happens, wouldn't you?"
"Definitely" Cartman said, assured.
"Excellent" Kyle smiled and after a comfortable silence, grinned "Still insanely, overwhelmingly in love with you, Eric"
"Still insanely, overwhelmingly in love with you, Kahl" Cartman giggled, but his heart pounded to the syllables of every serious word.
Along with their promise to be each other's only predictable things, it seemed that Cartman and Kyle had made another pact with the universe; They would embrace whatever change came their way.
They were both guilty of nervously pondering the parameters of this pact. If things looked like they were about to get ugly, should they fight? Could they fight? After all, that's the problem with intrinsic, universal concepts and natural laws, they're intangible and rigid and it's never a fair fight. But yet, Cartman and Kyle were the only people brave enough, or stupid enough, to make a pact with the universe.
Cartman had been home for five days, and while he was weary of being haunted by his mother's behavior after Nebraska, there was definite, noticeable improvement. For one, she was recognizing that there was an issue, a problem that had plagued her for years and admittedly should have been addressed long ago. Before there was another impressionable life that depended and relied on her. That could be, and was, so scarred.
Her first day with the counselor was a day that filled Cartman with both dread and relief. Yes, it promised something better for the both of them, but it also meant cutting off denial and facing truths that Cartman didn't know if his mom was ready to hear just yet.
So he wasn't surprised to find his mother sobbing on the couch when he came from school. He silently hugged her and let her cry into his shoulder, instead.
After Nebraska, it was so easy to feel alone. With the possible exception of Kenny, Cartman felt friendless, and even with Kenny around, he felt too boyishly stubborn to confide in him about how unspeakably difficult life was with his volatile mother. Even if he did want to open up, he didn't understand how he was feeling and he was sure Kenny couldn't give him any answers.
Luckily, things had moved on since then and after, what felt like, a big catch up with Kenny on his second day home, he filled him in on everything. Kenny was aware of Nebraska and Lianne's problems but only on a factual level, he didn't push Cartman for any more details because he feared making things worse, and he always felt that Cartman would rather die than talk to him about his feelings.
Of course, Cartman also had his predictable thing. Kyle. And while it had felt like forever since they had seen each other, touched each other, been entirely wrapped up in each other, Cartman still took comfort in the late night phone conversations he stole with Kyle. Although they both couldn't shake off the distance, they still embraced this change. If only to keep each other sane.
Cartman hated how blindly he slipped back into his old routine.
His days seemed to consist of uncompleted homework, rugby practice, listening to music on a grey, rainy walk home and hanging out with Kenny. It was only now, after Kyle had shown him a glimpse of something more, did he start to resent and feel so dissatisfied with it all. He'd often find the 'You're beautiful and doing okay' text Kyle had sent to him, scrawled repeatedly in the margin of his English notebook and smile, reminiscing about every moment he and Kyle shared, and how he felt like a better, more honest version of himself when he was with him.
However, there some nuances to the paradigm. Constantly worrying about his repairing mother because, while she was undoubtedly getting better, recovery was harder than she thought. Cartman had came home from school or the basketball courts and finding his mother dangerously upset more than usual and, although he hated to admit it, it was exhausting. Especially since he insisted on staying up with her when she found it difficult to sleep, talking in the kitchen until the early hours of the morning. Lianne would profess that she was fine, telling Eric to go to bed since he had school in a few hours, but he wouldn't budge. Eventually, she would fall asleep on the table, murmuring how good Eric was to her as he carried her to her room.
Cartman felt he could only blame himself for being so tired and drained. Although in his darker moments, he found it easier to blame his mom.
Needless to say, Kyle was starting to become worried with this empty, sad Eric who he was struggling to converse with. Along with an ever-growing ache to see him, a ceaseless anxiety had crept its way in. Their phone conversations were starting to become less frequent, but even though Cartman was starting to feel more indifferent to everything going on around him, he still tried to keep in contact. Usually texting Kyle during study hall and between classes. While Kyle appreciated this, it still didn't stop his fear, or all the times Eric's phone went straight to voice mail.
Although they were too proud and frightened to admit it to each other, this was a change they were not sure they could embrace.
And suddenly four days went by without a text or a call.
'Desperation; a side effect of falling in love'
Kyle couldn't remember who told him that, but it was important enough to have made Kyle cautious for so long. All these years, all these boyfriends and fleeting infatuations never became anything more because of that one, simple - what Kyle thought was - fact. Love makes you desperate. Especially if it's unrequited.
Clearly, Kyle had never been in love. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been so easy to stick by his one principle.
Until Eric came along that is. How quickly Kyle was able to disregard it, without him even noticing. Because Kyle had found something that was worthier of protecting, of possessing than self-preservation. And that thing was loving a boy, a man, who seemingly without even trying, had claimed every part of Kyle that he thought he'd never give up.
But as Kyle listlessly typed, practically forcing himself to continue writing about the one person who he needed to stop thinking about, he felt desperation silently crawl over him. Kidding only himself when he tried to ignore it, what was the God damn point? He reasoned, when he had reached a stage of withdrawal, of cruel worry, that made throwing away all his pride just to hear Eric's voice, a favorable option to pretending this change wasn't horrendous.
Four days. Kyle wondered how he had held out for so long. Furthermore, he wondered when did four days seem like a cyclical infinity that stubbornly refuses to let up?
Reaching for his phone and calling Eric seemed to become a mechanical, subconscious action now, Kyle had stopped listening to the voice mail that couldn't compete with the real thing.
As Kyle waited unexpectedly on every ring, his eyes floated across the screen. He didn't care about the words he couldn't remember writing, even now, as he was supposedly reading, it failed to register. God, he felt so desensitized. He was unsure if Eric actually picking up the phone would rouse something.
"Hey" Eric yawned.
Kyle swallowed, frightening himself when something started to thaw. And for reasons that he couldn't reach yet, he decided to cling to anticipation. Daring for another word.
"Kahl?" It pissed Kyle off that Eric said his name with only a slither of concern. "Are you okay?"
"It's been four days" Kyle blurted out, his tone uneven, but he doesn't know if he's supposed to care.
"Fuck, I know" Eric sighs heavily after a silence of, what instinct told Kyle was, guilt. "I'm sorry, it's-"
"Eric, you don't need to apologise" Kyle interrupted blankly, although it would've been appreciated "I'm just worried that's all"
"Me too" Eric replied, in a tone so helpless that it makes Kyle uncomfortably antsy that he isn't there with him, unable to see everything that's happening. "About everything..."
"What 'everything'?" Kyle asked, his eyebrows knitted together "Eric, you shouldn't worry about things that you don't have at least a semblance of control over, alright?"
"I should've called you before" Eric despairs "I miss you so much and I feel like a dick for not letting you know that"
"I know, Eric" Kyle reassures, smiling fondly "I know that you miss me"
"Well... Good" Eric smiled, and it was nice to just laugh quietly with each other. It felt almost secretive, as if for once, in their grand pact with the stars, they were in control.
"Is your mom okay?" Kyle asks, although he didn't particularly want to hear any bad news.
"I think so. It seems like she is" Eric replied reluctantly, a lack of confidence in his answer "But it's like, I dunno, I have the problem. I can't let myself believe that she's getting better. Or that she won't do it again, you know what I mean-"
"Yeah" Kyle interrupted, sparing the trouble of Eric actually verbalizing what he didn't want to say. "I do"
"It's all so self-inflicted" Eric continued "This lack of trust I have in her. But that doesn't make me a bad person, does it?"
"Of course it doesn't" Kyle answers vehemently "Eric, what you're feeling is perfectly justified"
"It's a habit I don't think I'll ever grow out of..."
"I dunno" Kyle shrugs "Maybe you will someday"
Kyle fidgeted uncomfortably at the momentary drops in conversation.
"I'm really tired, Kahl" Eric sighs apologetically, but Kyle didn't need to hear it "Fuck, I should've called you..."
"Cut it out, Eric" Kyle reprimanded, an edge of playfulness to his voice "I don't wanna hear it"
"You sure?"
"I'm sure" Kyle nodded, his voice becoming softer and more concerned when he thinly implored "Try to get some sleep, Eric"
"I'm not a baby" Eric smirked, a sheen of impatience to his voice.
"It'll do you good" Kyle pressed. He paused thoughtfully and awkwardly as he hesitantly asked, his chest seizing with the possibility of rejection "Maybe, if you want, I can come over and see you? It could make you feel better?"
"Uh, Kahl, I really don't know..." Eric replied gingerly.
"Why not?" Kyle asked tenderly, obviously hurt.
Cartman did have an answer. But even with how understanding and patient Kyle had been with him, it felt so much safer when he told himself that Kyle just wouldn't be able to comprehend his overwhelming anxieties about Kyle visiting him. Even that afternoon in the park came with its apprehensions.
"God damn it, Kahl..." Eric muttered under his breath. "It's nothing"
"See! You don't even have a reason, Eric!" Kyle snapped, frustrated "Or do you? Just tell me!"
"I, I can't" Eric whined, clearly desperate for Kyle to just drop it "Fuck, do I need a reason?"
"When I'm driving myself crazy with worry over you then you better have a fucking reason!" Kyle shouted, suddenly springing out of his chair because sitting him down was only making him more fractious.
"Well, I don't, okay?! I'm sorry but I honestly don't!" Eric shouted, his voice scratchy and Kyle could only allow himself to feel a small stab of guilt, before it was once again overrode by his incredulity.
"Don't you wanna see me?" Kyle asked, deflated by the possibility that Eric didn't.
Kyle could've hated Eric in the silence he left him with. But he hated himself more.
Kyle continued, if there was even a point of doing so "If not, then... Then let me come over for myself. You can at least give me that, can't you? Because, fuck, there's no other way to say this, I need to see you, Eric... I need to know that you're alright"
"Kahl" Eric began, before his voice dropped off somewhere unknown. Kyle didn't realize he had started to cry until his face felt damp "Of course I wanna see you too."
"Then it's a date" Kyle simply replied, laughing to himself under his breath for no reason whatsoever, but relieved when Eric somehow understood, and began to laugh back.
"I'll see you later" Eric smiled weakly, leaving Kyle with infuriating ambivalence.
Just like he vowed, Kyle showed up to Cartman's the next day.
Although Cartman loathed the thought of Kyle being even the slightest bit immersed in a past he would rather forget, it still didn't deter the knowing smile that appeared on his face when he heard a knock at the door. He appreciated Kyle's determination and honesty, something Cartman felt was lacking in himself and everybody else in this town.
Drops of rain clung to Kyle's hair, caught in the oddly humid shower and the water ran in fragile, quivering rivulets down his neck. His arms were folded tightly, almost self-consciously across his chest and he offered Cartman a genuine, uncontrollably warm smile.
"Hi" Kyle smiled breathlessly, as if the weight of all these missed days were slipping away.
"Hey" Cartman nodded, his hand fidgeting against the door and he jolted in surprise when Kyle pressed his lips to his.
The hand that was resting on Eric's neck, guiding the kiss, faltered disappointedly as Eric remained frigid and withdrawn, as if he had disconnected as soon as their lips had touched. Kyle blushed at the unresponsive kiss, pulling away quickly, as he thought that trying to pry apart Eric's mouth with his tongue would only make things worse.
"Come in" Cartman murmured, staring down at his sneakers guiltily. He never expected to feel so hollow around Kyle, even when he felt like he was going through the motions in a life that he would escape one day, Kyle always seemed to possess some magic ability to make him feel more passionate, more whole. Maybe it was because they hadn't seen each other in so long? Although, Cartman was sure that the first kiss of their reunion would be his undoing, weakening him in a way that only Kyle was allowed to do.
"Jesus, you're drenched" Cartman smirked quietly, Kyle looked even wetter now he was indoors. And Kyle sure felt it.
"It should have calmed down by now. At least I would've thought" Kyle replied, shrugging off his damp jacket and smiling politely when Eric quickly took it off him and hung it on the tall coat rack.
"I'm guessing your mom's not home?" Kyle asked, slowly closing the gap between him and Eric.
Cartman looked down at Kyle's mouth with thoughtful, hooded eyes as he blankly replied "No, she's seeing her counselor"
"Oh" Kyle hardly whispered, nodding before wrapping his arms around Eric's neck and carefully studying his face with both concern and longing. Kyle supposed it was a good thing that Eric was so focused on his mouth, deep in thought and Kyle wanted to dare him to initiate a kiss.
"Eric" Kyle breathed, tempting and sending a familiar shiver to crawl gratefully down Cartman's spine. His thoughts clouding over when Kyle trailed his hand away from his neck and squeezed his upper arm.
Cartman smiled, briefly simmering in the kiss as Kyle whimpered in surprise. Admittedly, a better kiss than the one at the door. Cartman hooked his strong, thick arm around Kyle's waist, forcing them to come closer, while his other hand gently slid up Kyle's jaw, loving how coarse Kyle's stubble felt against his palm.
To Kyle, it felt like he was teaching Eric how to kiss all over again. Their mouths were working at a steady, satisfying rhythm, fully indulging in one and other. The silence of the house and the muted noises of outside somehow seemed to make their lips feel more tender, their mouths hotter and the both of them gasped when Kyle's tongue licked at Eric's invitingly. It held all the anticipation, the nervous chemistry of any first kiss and the both of them were thankful for a little escapism. For the illusion of a new beginning.
Soon, Kyle felt himself raise on his tiptoes, their bodies pressed flush together, as Eric became more confident or perhaps more eager for the kiss to deepen. Still, it felt as though Eric was trying to prove something, whether it was to Kyle or himself remained to be seen. Regardless, it perturbed Kyle and he grumbled in frustration how he couldn't let himself enjoy a great kiss, never mind the agenda behind it.
With a weak growl rumbling in the back of his throat, Cartman freed Kyle from the sizzling hold on his lips and instead moved to his neck, gladly inhaling the scent of rain that was still present on Kyle's skin.
Kyle moaned, Eric's lips feeling wonderfully sensitive, making Kyle still cling to him desperately and his eyes flutter open in fight and submission. His gaze dropped to Eric, his hand clawing across his wide back.
"Look at me" Kyle raggedly demanded.
Cartman ignored him, figuring that conversation would only make him anxious and allow him to over-think. This was decidedly better. His thoughts were purely physical, lusty and didn't demand any elaboration.
"Eric" Kyle whined as Eric mouthed at his ear. "Look at me!"
With a disappointed groan, Cartman untangled himself from Kyle's hold. He refused to meet Kyle's eyes, running a tense hand through his hair.
Kyle sighed through his nose, staring down at his shyly clasped hands with a keen of guilt. His eyes were plaintive, seeming bigger, when they looked up at Eric's uneasy self. Kyle felt himself soften then.
"Hey" Kyle gently murmured, his hand barely ghosting across Eric's cheek before Eric scowled and turned away. "You alright?"
"Yeah, I guess..." Cartman sighed, his eyes glimmering somewhat brightly when they met Kyle's. "A little tired, maybe..."
"Thanks for letting me see you" Kyle nodded appreciatively, ignoring how Eric rolled his eyes and laughed to himself in exasperation.
Eric stepped closer to Kyle as he smiled, amused "You make it sound like I don't want to see you"
"Isn't there some truth to that?" Kyle shrugged, but it came out so forlorn that the both of them became uncomfortable. Kyle ran an embarrassed, ashamed hand through his hair and whispered "Sorry. That's unfair"
"No, it's not" Cartman shook his head, his voice hard, jolting Kyle from undesirable thoughts "And you shouldn't apologize. Apology unaccepted." The both of them smirked goofily at that.
The way Eric sighed so heavily made Kyle wince. He felt that he should open his mouth to say something, to warn Eric not to say anything he didn't want to hear.
"I'm exhausted, Kahl, and I don't know if I'm thinking straight" Cartman confessed "Just be patient with me, can you do that?"
"Of course I can, asshole" Kyle chuckled, rolling his eyes. Somehow finding himself with his arms wrapped around Eric's chest and only feeling slightly disappointed at how hesitantly Eric hugged him back.
"Kahl?" Cartman asked, a whimper into still damp curls.
"Yeah?" Kyle spoke into Eric's chest, looking up when a loving hand ran through his hair.
"I'm glad you're here" Cartman partly lied.
"Me too" Kyle whispered wetly, completely honest.
"Come on, let's go to the living room" Cartman said, trying to defuse the anxiety that had melded with his guilt.
The next hour and a half was spent in conversation they could have had over the phone. Still, it was nice actually watching each other listen, instead of imagining. It was nice knowing that there wasn't going to be an unwanted stopping point before they would be disconnected entirely.
Cartman was unusually quiet about school, Rugby and his mother. Kyle felt like he was pulling information out of him, for no particular reason other than reassurance that Eric was alright, although Kyle was starting to believe that less and less.
The only time Eric seemed to relax was when Kyle was the center of attention; inquiring about the progress of the novel Kyle had told Eric he was writing, although Kyle didn't want to divulge too many details. He felt it was somewhat of a bad omen for a writer or an artist to explain their creation to the muse who inspired it all.
Maybe muse wasn't the correct word. Since Eric was the story itself; a story that Kyle finally cared about.
However, conversation tapered off into a self-conscious silence, one that's festered in acute, dangerous awareness. And the two found themselves barely watching the TV, too distracted by pensive thoughts to strike up another conversation.
Cartman's mouth flickered a shy, half smile when Kyle's arm wrapped around his chest, eliciting goosebumps and rousing a welcomed spark of sensation, when he placed a plush, affectionate kiss on Cartman's jaw.
Blushing, Cartman averted his gaze from the forgotten TV screen and swallowed the visceral guilt that Kyle was overwhelming him with. It seemed like Kyle was waiting for him to do something, but Cartman didn't know if he could. It unsettled the both of them, and as Kyle thoughtfully and pointedly brushed his lips against Cartman's cheek, Cartman couldn't help but sigh shakily, inexplicably nervous.
Marred only slightly with disappointment, Kyle moved his lips to Eric's neck and moaned quietly as a slither of arousal peaked at the feeling of Eric's soft, hot skin against his teeth. Eric slid closer towards Kyle, smiling quietly to himself at hearing Kyle's pleased, muffled giggle as he continued to nip and kiss at his neck and shoulder. Kyle's hand stroked more firmly at Eric's chest, the both of them jolting at the brief, chaste friction.
Cartman mindlessly gave in to Kyle's intoxicating kisses, allowing an unabashed, breathy moan to escape from his mouth. Although he cringed as Kyle tricked his lips into a hungry, demanding kiss, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion but secretly enjoying Kyle's warm mouth cushioning his.
"I've missed you so much" Kyle moaned, its heartfelt tone pained Cartman. Kyle's hand had left Cartman's chest and instead was limply cupping his face, his fingers finding their way into Cartman's hair.
Eric groaned, finding this embrace cloying and uncomfortable. But he still continued to kiss Kyle, as Kyle's mouth seemed like the only safe place.
"I've missed you too" Cartman answered honestly, the words making him feel slightly liberated, as if they were constricted by his much-loathed insecurities that were determined to eat him up.
Kyle grinned approvingly, before licking Eric's mouth open again.
"Wait" Cartman gasped, fidgeting uncomfortably "Can we, can we just stop for a minute? Please?"
"Sure" Kyle murmured, obviously hurt. He became shy and limp as he slowly eased himself away from Eric.
Kyle had never felt like he was doing anything wrong whenever he looked at Eric. Now, it felt like he was intruding on something, as if there was an invisible partition between them and Kyle was studying him purely out of greed.
Cartman rubbed at the back of his neck, his mouth opening and closing with discarded words. But Kyle would've listened to anything Eric said if he just let him.
"Eric" Kyle said slowly, relieved when his delicate hold on Eric's shoulder wasn't batted away. "What's wrong?"
"I told you I'm fine, Kahl" Cartman answered, his words feeling false, angering Kyle slightly as he couldn't bear Eric lying to him.
"You're not, Eric" Kyle said simply, shaking his head. He didn't flinch when Eric's sad, conflicted eyes rose to meet him. "I can tell when you're anxious because you shut yourself away from me. It's almost as if you're scared of people coming too close, or comforting you"
Cartman didn't have a reply to that. He never realized he was so predictable.
"I can leave if you want me to?" Kyle suggested, although he didn't know if he could face leaving Eric alone like this, even if he insisted that's what he wanted.
"No" Cartman protested, shaking his head and sighing heavily "No, God damn it, that's not what I want"
Kyle pursed his lips together and glanced around the room before he hesitantly asked "Do you have any idea of what you want?"
"I haven't given it much thought" Cartman confessed "To be honest, I'm spending a lot of time thinking of how wrong things are. I'm too busy to try to figure out how to fix them"
"Who says they need fixing?" Kyle asks, moving closer.
"I want them to be fixed, Kahl" Cartman says helplessly "I want things to get better, and I can't fucking take the worrying anymore" Cartman shook his head, before running a flustered, defeated hand through his hair.
"Let me help you" Kyle implored "We can try to make things better together if you just gave me the chance..."
"We can't!" Cartman exclaims, frustrated with himself as he angrily stands up.
"We can't?" Kyle asks, vehemently wanting to prove Eric wrong.
Cartman was already pacing when he snapped "I don't fucking know, Kahl! Maybe we can, just..." He faltered then, burying his head in his hands and he exhales shakily through the caverns of his fingers when he mutters "Just not here"
"What?" Kyle asks, confused.
"I said, not here!" Cartman snaps, sitting down as he was too exhausted to keep standing up and pacing fruitlessly.
"What do you mean?" Kyle asks, caustic and demanding Eric just cut to the chase.
"It's just that... When you're here, something doesn't feel right" Cartman begins to explain "It's not your fault or anything, or that anything is wrong with you, but it's like you don't belong here with me. Or maybe I just don't belong here at all"
"Oh, Eric" Kyle says soothingly, frowning with palpable concern as he pulls Eric into a loose, comforting embrace. And when he feels small, unwanted tears on his shoulder, he smiles sadly into Eric's hair. "You're right, you don't belong here. If you're unhappy somewhere, then that's clearly not the place you're meant to be"
"But where else can I go?" Cartman asked, Kyle felt so strong and indestructibly real under his fingers, it made Cartman want to nuzzle into his shoulder and dry his tears. However reluctant contact made him when he was upset, with Kyle it felt undeniably right.
"Well, where could you go that would make you happy?" Kyle asked, stroking Eric's hair and not feeling wrong or greedy at all as he stared.
"Anywhere you go" Cartman replies, the honesty and the desperate need, ached. He just wanted to fall asleep on Kyle's shoulder "But far away from here"
Kyle laughed reassuringly, wetting Eric's hair with relieved tears. Eric's confession and their closeness healing the part of them that was broken.
"You can't let me fall asleep, Kahl" Cartman mumbled, although his eyes were beginning to close.
"I don't care if you fall asleep" Kyle laughed, nuzzling into Eric's hair and whispering gently "I'll hold you, anyway"
And Cartman knew he would, but he still shook his head and snickered "No, I can't fall sleep while you're here. That would make me a bad host"
"Do whatever you want, Eric" Kyle sighed as Cartman softened in his arms and his breathing became more relaxed and rhythmic.
As Kyle stared at Eric, he thought about what Eric said he wanted and how as he slept he was partly free from a life that Kyle didn't know he was so unhappy leading. It reminded Kyle of his own angst, his own nameless frustration with living in Littleton and not being able to full experience the world he knew lay beyond it. Not necessarily a fantastic, wonderful world, but a world with more opportunities, more people, more chances for Kyle to feel accepted, content. Kyle knew there was a place for Eric out there, a place that he could understand and would understand him, a place where he didn't have to hold back anymore and finally grow up. And although Kyle felt that Eric was perfectly capable of doing all that without him, it touched him greatly to know that Eric wanted Kyle to be there with him, that Kyle was part of a bigger dream Eric saw himself one day living. He didn't want to deny Eric of that, because Kyle would gladly follow him forever.
"We should run away together" Kyle realized out loud.
"What did you say?" Eric mumbled sleepily, stirring and rubbing at his eyes.
"I said, we should run away together" Kyle repeated more confidently, his fingers circling Eric's shoulder-blade "We should run away and leave everybody behind"
"Kahl" Eric warned, his eyes widened with both cautious fear and apprehension, sitting up and looking at Kyle questioningly "You're kidding, aren't you?"
"Well, I-"
"Kahl" Eric said firmly "You're kidding, please tell me that you're not serious?"
"What if I was serious?" Kyle asked, his voice trembling with the weight of an answer he didn't know he was so desperate to hear and the devastating crumble of what seemed like such a good idea.
"Then you're insane!" Eric exclaimed, his skin burning feverishly with a fervid anxiety and his chest felt hot as his heart started to beat disturbingly loud in his ears. He was aware of how terrified he sounded, and he could see the pained disbelief on Kyle's face, but he couldn't kiss him or comfort him because right now there was something so frightening about him. "Kahl, I, I can't, I can't run away! Even if I wanted to-"
"But that's exactly it!" Kyle interrupted pleadingly, roughly grabbing Eric's shoulders as impassioned determination replaced rationality and he felt struck as Eric so violently shrugged himself away from him. Like he was a stranger, like he was afraid. "You said that you don't feel like you belong here!"
"That's right! I don't!"
"And that you're not happy here!"
"I'm not!"
"So why shouldn't you find a place where can be happy? Why shouldn't we find that place together? You know it's what you want! You want to be with me! And I want to be with you! So let's just do it, if you really want to leave so badly, then why don't we just do it right fucking now?!"
"Because I have someone who needs me to stay!" And in the middle of their yelling match, where they had never heard their voices get so loud and laced with searing emotion, Cartman shouted the one thing that Kyle didn't take into consideration and the both of them trembled, wide-eyed and panting harshly as their weak, rough voices descended into sharp breaths.
"What, your mom?!" Kyle shouts in furious incredulity.
"Yes! She fucking needs me, Kahl! She's messed up and alone and if I'm not gonna stay for myself then I have to stay for her! It's my fucking responsibility!"
"Listen-" Kyle begins, trying to stay calm although he felt like sobbing angrily.
"No" Cartman snaps, quickly turning away as Kyle's quivering hand reaches out to touch him.
"Eric, please-"
"No, I don't-"
"Eric, will you please just fucking listen to me?!" Kyle yells, forcibly grabbing Cartman's shoulders and Cartman doesn't even wince when he feels Kyle's crescent nails digging into his flesh. When his cold, defiant eyes meet Kyle's face, he realizes that this is the first time he's seen Kyle so uncontrolled and yet so fervently passionate in a way that stirred a different kind of admiration in Eric. An unsettling admiration.
"I know that you wanna be there for your mom" Kyle begins calmly, denying his indignant tears before continuing, his voice raised "But sometimes you have to think about yourself. sometimes you have to think about what you want-"
"But you want this too!" Cartman interrupts "Don't act like you're what you're doing is entirely selfless!"
"Okay, maybe I am being a little selfish! But I also care a damn lot about you and it pisses me off how you wanna get out of here so bad but you don't do anything about it! When you could! You fucking could, Eric!" Kyle shouts, almost shaking Eric with frustration.
"You're saying I should just leave my mom?!"
"Well, it's not as if she hasn't left you before!"
Cartman was too angry to cry. Too hurt to yell. The pain was like nothing he had ever experienced before, it wasn't physical, it wasn't bloody or blinding. It was numb and cruelly elusive and it refused to stop aching, stinging, burning. His reeling, disbelieving mind couldn't stop replaying Kyle's blunt words, coupled horrifically with all the times Cartman recalled believing how Kyle could never hurt him.
"Kahl" Cartman said flatly, staring at Kyle, emotionless. He didn't think he would ever look at Kyle that way. Because he didn't think Kyle would let him down this way. A part of him, a hopeful, lovesick part of him that Cartman needed to cling to, wanted Kyle to prove Cartman wrong. To make things better. Still, Kyle continued;
"No, Eric! You're too selfless when it comes to her! You give her everything and you let her hurt you, as if you've forgotten how many times she's abandoned you and hurt you and yet you still stick by her! Even though you're fucking miserable! And I want you to be happy, with me or without me, but it's not fucking difficult to work out that your mom is the reason you've felt so empty and bad about yourself and so damn unhappy!"
"I don't wanna talk about this anymore!" Cartman cries, once again burying his head in his hands to shut out Kyle, the world, the truth that Cartman didn't need to hear because he had felt it his whole life.
"Fucking look at me! I'm gonna get through to you Eric, just look at me!" Kyle snaps, snatching Eric's wrist and pulling his hands away from his face. The anger, the injustice of it all had made Kyle so dangerously mindless, blind to the hurt that for so long he wanted Eric to be free from. Even when he saw Eric's sad, vulnerable face and even with how much it fucking tore him apart, Kyle continued. "You're worried about what's gonna happen to your mom if you left?! Did it ever occur to you if your mom cared what was gonna happen to you if she really did kill herself?"
The detachment, the coldness that replaced the vulnerability on Cartman's face made Kyle shut up. Their breathing was labored and Kyle's words shrivelled in his aching throat.
"Get out" Cartman demanded. He couldn't look at Kyle anymore. He couldn't let Kyle see how much he devastated and hurt him.
Kyle's heart sprinted into his throat and his skin prickled with icy fear, with screeching regret as he began to tremble. His voice was distant, swimming in a thick, futile dream "Wait, Eric, I-"
Cartman broke, his consuming anger melting, but he still desperately needed Kyle to leave. After all, the hurt was still suffocating, threatening to drown him. "Kahl, please just leave..."
"No, I can't leave you, let me apologize. Eric, give me a chance to explain-" Kyle stopped himself, overcome withe the need to smother Eric with deeply apologetic, loving, healing kisses. He winced at what he had said, even if he thought he was doing it for Eric's benefit, he could hardly believe his words.
"Don't, Kahl!" Cartman cried, pushing Kyle away from him and when their eyes met, both were filled with remorse and horrid disbelief. They wouldn't let the terrible, asphyxiating thought of wondering if it was too late to rise to the surface of their irises. "Just get out of here!"
"I love you!" Kyle yelled desperately, although he knew it wouldn't make a difference "Eric, I only said all those things because I love you, I love you, I love you, you need to know that I love you!"
"Get the fuck out of here!" Cartman shouted "Kahl, please!"
Desperation may have been a side-affect of falling in love. But so was admitting defeat. Especially when it was, ultimately, to save the one thing the both of you were fighting for.
So Kyle left wordlessly, without a goodbye, a kiss and without one last look.
Cartman waited for the front door to slam before he let himself angrily sob. Not wanting to think of Kyle but cruelly unable to free him from his mind.
Meanwhile, Kyle was resilient until he reached the end of Eric's street. Because he still felt the damp of Eric's tears on his shoulder and they elicited his own shameless sob.
A/N: Yeesh. Unsurprisingly, the last part was hard to write. Maybe now you can understand why I'm so nervous about posting this chapter?