8/7/00

The princess and I arrived here at about 4:00pm yesterday afternoon. She was excited to see the country, "Wow, it's beautiful," were her exact words.

We had a few pleasant conversations on the way over, mostly about Clarisse, Rupert and her father. Oh and my personal life, too. She's now well informed of her family history, well what I know of it anyway, I decided to leave something for Clarisse to discuss with her. Of course I am dropping no hints that Clarisse and I have something going together, as she would probably drop me if I told anyone. No, we just talked about family history and the history of the country and stuff.

Strangely she told me about how romantic it was when she dropped Michael off home the other night. She said he kissed her and used tongue, then I said, "TMI!" and she laughed. TMI means too much information, something I picked up from her. I wonder how she'd feel if I told her about some of the stuff her grandmother and I get up to, she'd probably need to see a counsellor.

When we arrived at the palace, she marvelled at how large it was, "Oh my god!"

"You like?"

"Yeah I like."

"I'll show you around then."

"Okay," she smiled, walking towards it.

We linked arms and walked inside, greeting the guards at the door, "Oh my god, are they like those guards in England?"

"No, annoy them and they will take action."

She gripped my arm tighter and practically galloped into the ballroom.

"Welcome to the palace, your highness," Charlotte cheered, "I'll inform her majesty of your arrival."

"That won't be necessary, Charlotte," I quickly interrupted, "We'd like to surprise her if you don't mind."

"Oh, sure, she's in her office. Go right in."

"Thankyou."

I took Mia up the staircase, "Oh my god, look at the walls, they're like a wallpaper painting!"

"Yes, I have seen them before."

"Oh sorry Joe, you must think I'm acting like an idiot."

"You're excited, it's alright to be excited when it's your first time visiting."

When we reached the top and turned the corner, she stopped still and gasped, "Woah! Do all of these doors have rooms behind them?"

"Yes, there are over one hundred rooms on this floor alone."

"Woah!"

"Think that's impressive? The employee's floor has over three hundred."

"Wow! Are they all being used?"

"No."

"Is your room on the employee's floor?"

"No, it was when I first arrived here, but as I rose the ranks I, for security purposes, was given a suite near your grandmother's. Two doors over."

"When I own all of this, I'm going to buy scooters for everyone."

I laughed at that, Clarisse would disapprove of scooters.

"Well people can't be expected to walk along these long halls all the time, they'd get tired out!"

"They've managed for the past few hundred years."

"Well they didn't have scooters back then."

"Come, let's go see your grandmother."

I said that more because I wanted to see her, not because Amelia did. Guiding her down the hall she said, "Oh my god," a few more times, I had to get rid of her.

"Here we are, princess, your grandmother's office."

The guards opened the doors and I led Mia inside."

"Do they always open the doors when you walk towards them?"

"Generally, yes."

"Cool."

I turned around and saw Clarisse at her desk, scribbling something on a piece of paper with her glasses on the tip of her nose. I smiled, I can't remember the last time I was so happy to see her, "Your majesty, your granddaughter."

She looked up from her papers, saw Mia standing in front of her and ran over to hug her, "Mia darling, I'm so happy to see you. And you too, of course Joseph."

She released her from the embrace and smiled, I was expecting her to run over and hug me, too, but she didn't, "How was your flight?"

"It was great, thanks. Joe and I had lots to talk about, didn't we Joe."

Clarisse gave me a disapproving look, as if she thought I told Mia about us.

"Yes, we had much to talk about."

"Mia, would you like my ladies maids to show you to your room? It's just, I'm a little busy at the moment and-"

"Would I!"

She grabbed their hands and led them out the door, despite the worried looks on their faces. The door was shut behind them and Clarisse continued staring at me, "Well?" She asked. I had no idea what she was talking about.

"Well what?"

"What were you two talking about?"

"Family history."

"Nothing about-"

"Why would you even think I would tell her about us without asking permission first?"

"You don't know that was what I was thinking."

"Yes I do."

She leant against her desk, I stood where I was as she looked me up and down, "I was actually wondering why you're standing at the door instead of giving you queen a proper greeting."

Slowly I started moving towards her, "And what sort of greeting would that be?"

Our bodies were almost touching when she moved her arms around my neck and leaned back on top of the desk, pulling me down with her. The sensation of kissing her then was overwhelming, we hadn't been able to do that for a whole week. A leg flew around my waist, pulling my body closer to hers. Between kisses, I asked her if she'd gotten her test results back, but she didn't have a chance to answer because the doors suddenly came open and we broke apart.

Mia ran into the room screaming, "I love it, grandma!"

Clarisse brushed out the creases in her skirt and took a breath of air – how long had we been kissing, exactly?

"I'm so glad you do."

They hugged again and she asked her to lunch, I had the feeling she just wanted to get away from me to avoid answering my question and I was right.

Later on, I found her alone in the kitchens eating a snack and staring at the flowers in the center of the table. I kissed her neck, surprising her a little as she started choking, "Ack! Joseph! Don't sneak up on me like that!"

"Would you prefer I sneak up on you some other way?"

"No, just not at all."

"Are you in a grumpy mood?"

"No, I just don't like being surprised."

"I'm sorry."

She turned to me, "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I'm grabbing an afternoon snack."

I started going through the refrigerator, "Clarisse, I didn't get a chance to hear your answer before."

Momentarily, I looked back at her, then resumed rummaging through the fridge, "Clarisse?"

An orange, a banana and an apple seemed tempting to me, so I took them out and looked back towards Clarisse, but she was gone, "Clarisse?"

I sensed something was wrong, so I decided to eat my lunch, before confronting her later on.

For the rest of the day, I played the princess's tour guide and I grew so sick of her saying, "Oh my god" all the time that after I'd shown her the basics, I made an excuse and left. Spending too much time with somebody is never a good thing.

It was time for dinner when I finally got away, so I went to find Clarisse. She was in her office, working of course, with her ladies maids standing by the window. Slyly I walked up to her and asked, "Will you be joining me for dinner?"

She looked up, sort of shocked that I was in the room, "Umm…uh…not tonight Joseph…I'm…uh…dining with Amelia."

"Oh. Well I'll be on my way then."

I quickly walked out of the room and back down the hall to find Charlotte, she was in the ballroom, "Joining me for dinner, Charlotte?"

"Sorry, Joseph, I've just eaten."

"Oh."

I'm not one to eat dinner alone, so I decided to go to my room to 'surf the net' for sites about breast lumps. A majority of the websites I visited said, 'most lumps turn out to be not cancerous'. This information made me relax a little, it meant that Clarisse was probably not infected after all.

At 11:00pm I ventured out of my room and bumped into Charlotte again, "Good evening Joseph."

"Good evening, Charlotte, do you know if Clarisse has retired for the evening?"

"Yes, she has, about an hour ago."

"And Amelia?"

"If you count her being in her room admiring the bed, TV and room service, then yes, she has also retired."

"Thankyou, Charlotte."

That was good news for me, after a long wait I had the chance to see Clarisse in private. Skipping down the hall slightly, I stopped outside her door and attempted to go in, but the guards blocked my way, "Sorry, Joe. Her majesty has requested that nobody enters until morning."

I found this strange since she usually makes exceptions for her head of security, that's when I realised she was avoiding me.

"But I'm the head of security. I need to talk to her!"

"Sorry, she said nobody."

"Morning, you say?"

"Yes."

Leaning against the wall, I said swiftly, "I shall wait then."

"You're going to stand there all night?"

"Nope, just until twelve."

"Why twelve?"

"Because that's when morning begins."

They smiled and continued guarding the door, I felt quite proud of myself for finding a loophole in her orders.

I had no idea what Clarisse's problem was, had I done something wrong? Was she upset that we almost got caught together in her office? Was she unsure of how to act around me since we made love again? No, none of those were the case.

As soon as the clock struck twelve, I burst into her suite and shut the doors. She was in the bedroom sleeping, as I knew she would be. I removed my jacket, shoes and pants, then climbed into her bed and wrapped my arms around her waist. I knew she was no longer sleeping because her breathing was too fast, so I waited for her to say something.

"What are you doing in here, Joseph? The guards said-"

"The guards said you wished to be left alone until morning, look at the time."

She shifted her head and looked to the bedside table, "I meant sunrise."

"You weren't specific."

"Have you been waiting out there all night?"

"Just the past hour."

"Why?"

"You know why."

"Because I refuse to answer your question."

"Exactly. Clarisse is something wrong? Is it bad news?"

Feeling her shift around to face me, I brought my face closer to hers, "Tell me."

She let out a long breath and shrugged her shoulders, "I didn't go in for the tests and I've been avoiding you because I didn't want you to know."

"What? Why didn't you get them done?"

Her voice became squeaky, "I tried! I dialled the number, but when I got an answer, I hung up. I was terrified."

She held onto my arm, while I pulled her closer and kissed her forehead, "Is that the problem? You couldn't make the appointment?"

Hearing her head shuffling on the pillow was an indication that she was nodding.

"Would it help if I made the appointment for you?"

I felt myself being held tighter, "It might."

Her tears fell onto my face as I pressed my lips to her. She was shaking violently, I tried to relieve some of her pain by informing her of my findings, "Darling I was reading up on breast lumps before I came here and I found that not many lumps turn out to be cancerous, so you probably have nothing to worry about."

Her hand touched my face, "Joseph, my family has a history of breast cancer. All the women in my family had it, my mother had it, my grandmother had it, my great-grandmother had it!"

"That's how your mother died?"

"No, she stayed out in the sun too long and melted. Of course that's how she died, it's how they all died!"

"Why didn't you tell me about this before?"

"Because I knew it would make you worried. Now you know why I'm too terrified to get tested."

Her head moved to my chest, tears burning through my shirt, "Don't worry, I'll be right beside you holding your hand. I'll make the appointment for you, when are you free?"

"I don't want to die."

"And you won't. I'll call the doctor tomorrow and ask him how soon he can see you."

"What will Mia do without me?"

"Clarisse, you're not going to die yet!"

"And how will she learn how to be a proper queen without my guidance?"

I started lightly shaking her, "Clarisse! You are not going to die! Not yet! Okay?"

She nodded, "Okay."

We held each other close for most of the night, savouring what could possibly be one of our last moments together.

Hopefully we'll have many more years together - many, many more. I don't know what I'd do if she died, I don't even like to think about the possibility of her going. I've spent most of my life obsessing over this woman and I never want to let go of her.

9/7/00

It's nice to sleep in my own bed again, but it's not so nice not knowing where my love has gone. She disappeared after dinner telling Charlotte that she needed some "alone time" with herself. Earlier on, I called her doctor and set an appointment for 10:00am Tuesday (tomorrow). After I told Charlotte to clear Clarisse's schedule for it, I told Clarisse herself and she seemed surprised that I actually went out of my way to make the appointment. I made it quite clear to her that she must meet me in her office at 9:20am in order for me to escort her to the car, I will then be driving her there.

Amelia spent today meeting parliament members, Clarisse kept her eye on her, waiting for her to stuff up or something, but she didn't, she did quite well.

Clarisse did well too. Honestly I don't know how she can keep a happy face during all of these meetings and things when she has her own problems to worry about. I guess it must just take her mind off it. I haven't stopped stressing about her, what if she really does die and I'm left all by myself? What will I do?

10/7/00

Clarisse annoyed the hell out of me today. First she pretended to have forgotten about the appointment and then she tried to make me believe that it was scheduled for tomorrow!

I had to be gentle with her though because I know how scared she is about going in for the tests, but I just got so angry, especially when I finally got her into the car. She spent the whole time shuffling in her seat, saying, "I don't think Dr. Stelter will see me on such short notice."

And then I'd hold my temper and mumble, "Yes he will, he only has one other appointment for today and that's at five."

I observed her through the rear-view mirror, most of the time she was looking at the door handle. When we were waiting at the traffic lights to turn into the street the surgery was in, I looked at her again. She was taking off her seat-belt with a scared expression on her face, "Clarisse, what are you doing?"

The lights were still red, so I turned around fully and watched her open the door and exit the car almost getting hit by a four-wheel-drive as she crossed the street, "Clarisse! Get back here!"

I was going to get out and chase her, but I didn't have the chance to because the person behind me was beeping their horn. Quickly, I drove on and found a parking spot on the side of the road. The streets were so crowded on account of it being school holidays and I couldn't find Clarisse anywhere. I ran up and down every street looking for her, but it was a lost cause. My mind was racing – what if she gets hurt? What if a stranger who turns out to be a murderer picks her up? What if – there was no time for those thoughts. I had to find her and make sure she was alright. Her mobile phone (yes, she has one) was switched off, so that was no use, I had no way of finding her!

Charlotte was the first person I called for help, she said that if she showed up, she'd tell me. Next I called Dr. Stelter and told him Clarisse had done a runner, then I hung up and continued my search.

After searching through the town for almost an hour, my phone rang; it was Clarisse, "Joseph, is that you?"

"Clarisse? Where are you? I've been looking all over for you."

"I'm at the National Park."

"How in the world did you get there?"

"I walked."

"Alone?"

"Can you please come and pick me up?"

I ran my hand over my face, "Where abouts in the park are you?"

"The playground."

"Which one, east or west?"

"East."

"I'm on my way, stay where you are."

"Joseph."

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry."

I think she was expecting me to reply to that, but instead I hung up. How she managed to get to the park within an hour on foot was a wonder to me, it took me fifteen minutes to drive there and I was speeding!

Only once before had I been to the National Park, (with Sammy and Lauren), but I remembered it well enough to find the east playground without a map.

Clarisse was sitting on the park bench wearing her sunglasses and sipping on her drink. Discreetly, I walked up behind her and lay my hands on her shoulders. Under normal circumstances I would have strangled her, I wanted to, but I couldn't. She was upset, vulnerable. She seemed startled by my touch, but she stood up nevertheless to face me, "I'm so sorry, Joseph."

"Shall we leave, your majesty? I think it may be about to rain."

She looked at me momentarily while I directed my hand to the exit sign, then we started walking. Keeping five paces behind her, I noticed she was looking back at me and then quickly turning back in the direction she was walking in every so often until suddenly she stopped and turned around.

"Out with it!"

"Something wrong, your majesty?"

"I know you have something to say, so say it!"

"Whatever do you mean, your majesty?"

"That's what I mean! You walk silently behind me, you address me formerly, you're acting almost how a real security personnel should act!"

I didn't raise my voice for once, I just put on a mocking tone, "Is that not what I'm supposed to be, your majesty?"

"You know what I mean."

"Do I, your majesty?"

"Call me that again and you can walk home."

"Has the firing squad got a day off?"

"Joseph!"

"Yes, your majesty?"

She rolled her eyes, "I know you're angry at me, so yell! Don't keep it bottled up! Express yourself!"

I lowered my tone, "I am angry, I'll admit that, I do want to yell, but I won't because despite the fact that I understand how you must be feeling, this is hardly the place to start an argument."

"We'll fight in the car then."

She smiled slightly and then turned around and continued walking.

We didn't fight in the car as she suggested, although she was trying to start an argument, "I can tell you wish to discuss my behaviour."

"Umm…are you trying to make me lose my temper or what?"

"I just want you to get it off your chest."

Still, I kept the same low tone, "Alright then, I will. I think you were wrong to run out in the middle of traffic, you should have gone for the tests, you should have told me or Charlotte where you were going and you shouldn't underestimate my ability to hold my temper."

"See, doesn't that make you feel better?"

"Not as much as it makes you feel better about yourself."

It ended there, I didn't want to actually lose my temper, I was doing quite well maintaining it considering the circumstances. I wondered if she was actually trying to make me lose it just so we could have an argument, because that's certainly how it seemed.

When we got back to the palace, I stopped the car and turned back to her, "Clarisse, if you care about your health and your life as much as I do, you will allow me to reschedule your appointment."

She stared at me for a second and watched as I picked up the car phone, "If it makes you happy, you can schedule one for tomorrow at two."

"You have a parliament session at two."

"Well, better make it one thirty then."

"What if you're not back in time?"

"Twelve then, I don't care."

"Twelve it is."

As I rang the doctor and made an appointment, one of the guards opened the door and Clarisse stepped out of the car, Mia was there to greet her. I snuck inside and went straight for the toilet, as I had been holding my bladder for a long, long time. When I came out I went straight to sleep. I was awfully tired. I'd only been back in the country for a couple of days and already I'd been out on a royal goose chase. God she is a frustrating woman.

11/7/00

Today. What can I say about today? It was more of a goose chase than yesterday!

I woke up bright and early (7:00am), got up, showered, brushed my teeth and threw on some clothes, then I went to Clarisse's suite to see if she was in there – she was. Sleeping like a baby, I thought as I knelt beside her bed. It was unusual for her to not be up by eight, she must have been tired from yesterday's escapade. While awaiting her awakening, I ordered some breakfast and read the paper, nothing exciting in there. Twenty minutes later, a tray of bacon and eggs with orange juice and coffee arrived at the door. I thanked the maid and woke Clarisse. Tiredly she wiped her eyes and looked up at me, "Holy sh-"

"Shh!" I covered her mouth with my hand and released once she stopped squirming.

"Joseph, that is not a pleasant way to be woken up in the morning."

"What? Seeing my beautiful face shining right in front of you?"

"I didn't mean it like that, you just surprised me. How long have you been in here?"

"Twenty minutes maybe."

"Why?"

"I want to spend some time with you before you start your busy day. Are you hungry?"

"Now that you mention it, yes I am."

"Good, then you'll join me in your sitting room for breakfast."

"What are we eating?"

"You're favourite."

"I suppose I'd better get up then."

After breakfast, she started work in her office. I sat on the couch reading, I wasn't going to let her out of my sight today - I planned to follow her everywhere she went. Unfortunately she caught on to what I was doing when I followed her to the toilet and waited outside until she'd finished. She looked me over suspiciously, "Why are you following me everywhere?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Yes you do! Wait a minute, you're making sure I go to that appointment, aren't you?"

"Is that so wrong?"

"Damn right it's wrong! If I choose to go, I'll go."

I stayed silent while she walked out of the room, I only allowed her three seconds before I went after her. She ended up back at her office, shuffling through papers and grabbing her bag.

"Clarisse, where are you going? We don't have to leave for another two hours."

She turned around and pushed me, "No, I don't have to choose to if I want to leave or not for another two hours."

"It's for your own good!"

"I know, but I haven't prepared well enough for depression yet."

"Who says you're going to fall into depression?"

"I say, because it happened to all the woman in my family when they found out they had breast cancer!"

I assume she would have cried had we not been in the middle of the hallway, but since we were, she just kept walking and ended up at the kitchens. She poured two glasses of orange juice and handed me one, since I was thirsty, I drank it, only to regret it later on.

Ten minutes to eleven, my bladder became weak. I already needed to go beforehand, but the orange juice was the icing on the cake, I hadn't been to the toilet since seven thirty. Finally, while I thought Clarisse was engrossed in her work, I snuck off to the loo and when I came back, she was gone. I asked her maids if they knew where she went, but they said she didn't say. I then asked everybody I bumped into if they had seen her, even Mia. She gave me an interesting reply, "I've seen grandma for about six hours tops ever since we got here, what makes you think I've seen her today?"

Even Charlotte didn't know where she was. I spent a total of three hours looking for her, I looked in all the rooms she was likely to be in, the stables, I even checked the bomb-shelter, but she was nowhere to be seen - I panicked. Finally I decided to check all the secret tunnels and passages and at last, I found her. She was sitting on the ground in the tunnel under what used to be the west tower – her solace.

She was stressing, I could tell by the cigarette that burned brightly in her hand and the fact that she was sitting on the dirty ground with her knees pressed up to her chin. Her attention was drawn to me and although it was dark, I could see her rolling her eyes, "Oh god."

She flicked the ash of the cigarette onto the ground and blew smoke out of her mouth, "You found me, let's give you a medal."

"I won't deny that I deserve it."

"What are you doing here?"

"You're late."

She raised an unconcerned eye-brow and took another drag of her cigarette, after which I pulled it out of her hand, "This solves nothing."

"Would you please stop suffocating me?"

Her words were filled with pain, I could see the sparkling tears on her face.

"Clarisse," I calmly said, holding her face in my hands, "How long are you going to keep running from this? Making excuses? All I want you to do is go in and find out if there's something wrong. Postponing it will cause serious complications if there does happen to be something there. I don't want to wake up one day and find you gone, I don't want to lose you just because you refuse to see a quack. If I lost you, I don't know how I'd survive. This isn't just your problem, it affects me, too. And Mia, you can't leave her now, not after you've just gotten to know her. You and I both know she needs your instructions and also she needs you to keep the throne warm for a few more years while she prepares to take over. Come on, Clarisse, you are the most special person in my life right now and I care about you so much that I'm willing to give up my days chasing after you instead of doing something constructive. Please, make the right decision, darling, it's for your own good."

Tears rained down her face more than ever before, I decided to leave her there to think. I know she stayed there for a while after I left because Charlotte said she only made the last few minutes of the parliament session. I feel I've done everything in my power to get through to her, except of course, physical strength, but I won't resort to that. It's all up to her now.

Oh no, we didn't get to find out what's wrong! Lol.

God, my chapters just keep getting longer and longer. Do youse think they're too long, or are they better this way?

I understand what you mean by the movie being retarded – it has a stupid, stupid storyline. For some reason though, I like it more. Could it be because Clarisse and Joe get together in it? lol.

I think that's everything covered.

Thanks for reviewing, it's that time again.