30/7/04

I happened to catch a glimpse of the princess practicing her archery skills, or should I say trying to eliminate everybody in sight. I don't understand how the girl can have so much trouble shooting a bow and arrow, I can hit the bullseye in less than three shots. Oh well, it at least gave me my entertainment for the day. I'm just about to leave to see Clarisse to find out if she's thought about what I said, I think one day is long enough.

Later…

Obviously I was wrong.

I went to her office and asked her to go for a walk with me, so she said yes, I asked her about the "us" situation and she said she hadn't given it a second thought, which I translated into, "Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies."

How could she not have thought about it? Doesn't she ever think about me?

When I asked her how long she needed to think, she said I should give her room to breathe and stop spending every spare minute of my time with her so she would have a chance to think. Is that a sign of rejection? Her not wanting me around seems very rejecting. I wonder how much time she needs to think about it, well I'll wait for her to come to me, not the other way around. I've made the final move and now it's her turn to decide how it ends.

So now I'm stuck in suspense until she gives me an answer. Why does she not already have one? She's had thirty years to think about it!

I think if she did plan on bringing me into the public eye she would have told me by now instead of leaving me to dangle. God, I bet she's going to say no, but I shall still remain hopeful and confident.

2/8/04

It seems our princess has once again been causing mischief, this time in the throne room. "A chicken situation" I think is how Charlotte put it when she told me of the disaster earlier. I wasn't actually there myself, because it was another Shades training day, but Charlotte told me all about it. Apparently Mia was given live poultry as an offering from one of the Genovian citizens. She got it out of the basket only to chase after it seconds later when it jumped out of her hands.

I saw Clarisse after the session ended, commented on her beautiful, sparkling, virgin-white outfit and then continued walking – my idea of giving her space.

Tomorrow there will be an event I most certainly must attend, the reviewing of the royal guard. Usually I never look forward to these kind of things, but at the moment I need something to take my mind off Clarisse. I have been thinking about her non-stop ever since I saw her earlier, she dominates my mind completely, even interrupts my sleep. I need an answer…soon…

3/8/04

Yet another disaster for Princess Mia today caused by one Viscount Mabrey. Everything started off well, Mia rode in very slowly on her horse accompanied by the footman, I watched from the crowd, something went wrong and I had to act. I saw the footman pull something out of his pocket for a couple of seconds then Mia's horse went wild. I waited for Andrew to leap in to the rescue, but all he could do was stand there going, "Oh, ah," so I took it upon myself to rescue the princess. That didn't work out very well because I accidentally ripped off a wooden leg I never knew she had, causing her to shriek my name. After that she rode off and the ceremony came to an end. I decided to investigate the matter, so I went after the footman and grabbed him by the collar, "What happened?"

"I don't know," he lied.

The thing I had seen him pull out of his pocket was still hanging out so I grabbed it and held it up to his face, he was beside himself, "I…I…"

"I think we need to go for a little stroll."

Dropping him, not lightly, onto the ground, I grabbed his arm tightly and lead him down the gravel path, "Explain."

"That man over there paid me to scare the horse," he whimpered, pointing to the laughing Viscount, "It was nothing personal, at least not on my part anyway. I'm sorry…if I'd known…please don't fire me, I need this job."

By the time he was through saying that he was on his knees, I decided to take pity on him, "Alright, your job is safe for now, but if I ever see or hear about you consulting with that man again, I can assure you there won't be a job for you to even beg for."

Quickly I walked away with what I noticed was in actual fact a rubber snake. That's what was used to spook Sandy.

After that little incident I walked to the stables and found Lord Deveraeux giving my granddaughter-to-be a hard time, so I told Mia Clarisse wanted to see her and I was left alone with Nicholas, but not for long. The Viscount himself actually showed up looking for his nephew, so I asked Nicholas to leave in order for me to talk to him.

I told the nasty man that I didn't like what he was trying to do to my girls and he retaliated by bringing up my relationship with Clarisse, which I didn't take kindly to because he had no right to say it. The only way to react to a prick who says something about my girl is to threaten him and I threatened him so good he must have had to clean his underpants afterwards. When I was through talking to him I slapped the snake onto his shoulder and made a smooth exit. He shouldn't cause too much trouble now.

4/8/04

Clarisse actually asked me to join her in her suite for tea earlier this evening and gave me some news – there is to be a party. What I thought she invited me up for was to tell me she'd come to a decision about us, but she didn't, she just came right out and said, "I'm throwing a party."

"Why?" I asked, thinking it might be an engagement party for the two of us.

"Because I want to test Mia to see if she has been paying attention."

My heart sank once again, "Why all of a sudden?"

"Nicholas raised the issue of her not being at one with the people."

"And you're throwing a party because of it?"

"Yes."

"Right…when?"

"Next week. Tuesday."

"That doesn't leave much time to prepare now does it?"

"Why do you think we have party planners?"

"What sort of party is it?"

"Garden. I'll give you the details later on, right now I must get some sleep, I'll see you tomorrow morning, alright?"

Feeling that she hadn't quite said everything she wanted to say, I made an inquiry, "Was that all you wanted to talk about?"

She looked at me with a put-on puzzled face, "Yes, why?"

I shook my head and stood up, "No reason."

That was one of the most awkward moments of my life, staring at her waiting for her to say something she obviously wasn't going to say. Of course it wasn't as awkward as the time I walked in on her and Chester having sex, but it came close.

So now there is all of the security to be planned for the Garden Party, I think I'll just get Shades to do it because I really can't be bothered.

6/8/04

Clarisse is still dragging her feet with the whole answer thing, it's really starting to annoy me. I went to see her again this morning and everything she said had to do with business. As we worked through the party plans together, I felt I had to question her about the seating plan because she said this party is to allow Mia to mingle with people, yet she's seated her at a table with her closest friends and family instead of people she doesn't know. Some way to mingle. Clarisse shrugged her shoulders about it and said Mia would walk around and talk to people. I excused myself five minutes later so I wouldn't die of frustration.

8/8/04

STILL WAITING FOR AN ANSWER!

9/8/04

Garden Party today.

Let me see, it started off boring.

Continued to be boring.

Didn't get any better when Mia came walking up the garden path, dripping wet because, as I hear, she was fooling around with Lord Nicholas again. Mia hasn't yet talked to me about Nicholas like she would have when she was with Michael, but I suppose we haven't spent much time together. I would indeed like to know what's going on between them.

Now I don't know for sure what they were doing in the fountain together, but I was told they fell in. I would actually believe that because it's happened before, that fountain is cursed. At one of Clarisse's 'Strictly Family and Close Friends' parties, her cousin fell into that same fountain because he was drunk and he was severely injured because it's made of solid concrete. So after that Clarisse arranged to have it padded to prevent future injuries, which is a good thing for Mia, or else she may not have the ability to walk down the aisle in less than two weeks time.

10/8/04

Busy, busy month is all I can say. It's been nothing but outings, gatherings and in today's case, parades and parties.

Yes, once again the Genovian Independence day parade was on. Since I don't feel up to describing it, I'll just give you the gist of it.

Clarisse accused me of causing them to be late for the parade, even hough it was her who showed up late! Women…

Charlotte told me Viscount Mabrey was trying to cause trouble again by giving her an unnecessary explanation as to why he wouldn't agree to wave a flag, which she ignored.

Mia stopped a little girl from being teased and allowed every orphan at the parade to walk with her.

Mia has decided to use the winter castle as a children's shelter until they have enough money to get their own.

Mia had a party, which I stayed away from and instead went to my son's house for dinner.

Lots of action today indeed.

14/8/04

Okay, I have been waiting too long for Clarisse to come to me with an answer, so I am just going to abandon my original plan and confront her myself. If she doesn't want the world to know about me she can say it to my face instead of keeping me in the dark about it. I shall ask her tomorrow night.

15/8/04

Well.

I don't know what to say.

I'm through with her.

I hate her.

Never again will I take her back.

Never again will I kiss her tenderly.

Never again will I allow her to rip out my heart and crush it a thousand times before it hits the ground.

I'm through with her.

The evening started off well, I was out doing my rounds, walking past the ballroom and happened to spot Clarisse dancing all alone. I couldn't just let her dance with herself so I skilfully swept her into my arms and swayed with her. She seemed happy at first, but then I asked her about us and watched her facial expression change to a completely opposite. That's when I knew I didn't need an answer, it was obviously no. Before I almost went teary eyed, I pulled away from her and tried to escape the room as quickly as possible, but she caught me and used that same bullshit explanation she used on me the other week when she was trying to avoid letting me ask her in the first place. She said something about the monarchy, which I translated into, "Lies, lies, lies, lies. Lies, lies, lies."

I pulled away again and stormed back outside.

I'm so pissed off with her. I know Amelia isn't the real reason, it's something she won't tell me, something she won't let me in on.

I guess she never really did love me in the first place, she was just using me for sex. I have wasted my life! Do you have any idea how that feels? To wait around for someone for practically 30 years and then find out that person doesn't and never did want you? It sucks. It sucks more than anything I can imagine.

Charlotte knows everything of course.

I went the long way back to my room and saw her walking down the hallway, she caught my arm and said, "What did you say to her?"

I sighed impatiently, "What did I say to who?"

"Her majesty. She totally just had a go at me, what did you say?"

Rolling my eyes I groaned, "I didn't say anything, now will you please let me go back to my room so I can hang myself?"

"She dumped you, didn't she?"

I swallowed…hard, "Not to put too fine a point on it."

"I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Well if you do, you know where to find me."

I walked into my suite and shut the door, falling against it as I put my hand on my forehead. I needed to cry, to let it all out. And I did, I cried the hardest I'd ever cried before. Angry and rejected is how I felt, I wanted to kill her so badly and still do. I want to stab her until she has as many wounds on her body as she's caused in my heart.

When I'd regained at least a little composure I walked over to my liquor cabinet and opened the door in search of something to drink. Half of the bottles in there were empty from last time I had fought with Clarisse, I couldn't believe it had been that long since I last had a drink.

Shuffling through all the bottles of vodka and brandy, I found a familiar wine bottle right at the back – it was the one Clarisse gave me all those years ago. I stared at it for ages thinking about my life with her and wished we'd never met. I would have been much happier as a man-whore instead of a queen's yoyo. As I thought about how she's played me all these years I grew even more angry and threw the bottle with all my might against the wall, shattering it into a thousand pieces. The red liquid inside rained all over the floor along with the sharp glass shards, it was like a visual image of what's happening to my heart.

After the mess settled I reached once again into the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of rum. That first sip burned my throat, but I soon became accustomed to it, if I'm not used to pain now, I never will be.

I drained the half-filled bottle within five minutes, then grabbed another two and took them to the bathroom. The tub seemed to take forever to fill, I sat there watching the water rise until it rose too far and flowed over the edge.

Stripping down to my birthday suit, I fell into the cold water and put my head under to breathe it in. I couldn't really feel the cold, or if I did it wasn't bothering me. It was comfortable enough to lie there for two hours staring at the ceiling. I wondered what Clarisse was doing, probably sharing a joke with Mia or taking a walk with Maurice not giving a single thought to what I might be going through.

I think I almost fell asleep in there, I wouldn't have minded, I would have been able to stay away from Charlotte if I had drowned.

There was some unpleasantness between us when I finished my bath.

Stuff happened. Stuff I'm not proud of.

I decided to accept her offer of support, so I went to her room and as soon as I got there she took one look at my face and held me in her arms, soothingly rubbing my back. I cried on her shoulder realising Charlotte is the only woman in the world who doesn't judge me. She just takes me just as I am.

Something came over me as I held onto her, something strange that I had never felt before with her.

Desire.

I wanted her. I had often thought about what it would be like to undress her, but I had never actually wanted to until that moment. She was just so compassionate, so caring and well, she was there.

Slowly I pressed my lips against her shoulder as I cried onto it, but she didn't notice, she would have just mistaken my kisses for tears. Lifting my head up slightly, I moved my lips to her neck and slid my hands up her back, gently rubbing the zip on the back of her dress. She froze as I started pulling it down, kissing the revealed shoulder, I heard her squeak my name as I performed the act.

Groaning, I made my way from her neck to her jaw and found myself being thrown onto the ground, "Joseph!"

Frantically she backed towards the door keeping a sharp eye on me while reaching behind her back trying to zip up the dress, "Listen I don't know what you think I suggested, but I can tell you this isn't it! I thought you were different to other men. I was offering you shoulder to cry on, nothing else."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I…I just need to know I'm worth something."

Stepping towards me she smiled, "Joseph you're every girl's dream, I'm sure you're worth something to someone."

I sat up and put my head in my hands, continuing to cry, "I don't want someone else, I haven't wasted my life on someone else. I've waited for Clarisse ever since we met and now we have the chance to be together and she won't take it."

Cautiously she sat down on the couch and looked into my eyes, "These things have a way of sorting themselves out, maybe she just needs a push in the right direction."

I shook my head, Clarisse doesn't need a push, she needs a shove. A great big shove off the edge of a cliff.

After apologising to Charlotte repeatedly, I left. She said we should try to forget about what we now call the "unpleasantness" and work on just staying friends. I told her I was leaving at the end of the week and she said she'd be sad to see me go, but will keep in touch.

I'm going to fly to Switzerland to marry a Swiss girl and forget all about stupid royal pains in the ass who can't commit. I've always fancied the Swiss, there's just something about them that's so attractive. Oh and apparently they're really good in bed. Already I have booked my car in for a service, the drive there should take no more than ten hours driving at 120kmph, so I should arrive at my destination no later than 7am. I'm not going to speak to Clarisse, I've already written out my letter of resignation and thrown it on her desk – she wasn't in there at the time, I made sure of that. I'll be ready to leave this place as soon as I've packed my things and I'll never have to deal with her majesty the queen ever again.

16/8/04

It seems I'm not the only one having relationship troubles at the moment. Mia and Andrew were 'fighting' earlier because Mia spent the night with Nicholas by the lake. Mia thinks Nicholas set her up, but the Viscount's housekeeper told me otherwise. I haven't had a chance to tell her yet because every time I see her she's either with Clarisse or with someone else. It's not really my problem anyway, my problem is being here at the palace. It's all I can think about. I can't even get any sleep tonight and I have to be up bright and early for tomorrow's wedding. I'm going for a walk.

Where will Joseph end up? I already know, I've started writing it. R & R.