17/8/04

Oh good, there's time to write up my journal before I have to escort Princess Mia to her wedding, so I'll start off by saying I'm in a state of shock and confusion.

Last night when I went for a walk with Chloe, she ran off after picking up a scent, so naturally I followed her out of the garden, past the stables, past the lake and through a bunch of bushes all the way to a small clearing in the middle of nowhere. Not even I recognised my surroundings, only the smell. Looking around I spotted Clarisse sitting on a concrete bench smoking a cigarette with her legs crossed and her head in her hands. My first instinct was telling me to hide, so I quickly jumped behind a bush hoping she hadn't seen me, but unfortunately for me she still has that instinct of knowing when I'm near.

Looking up, she spoke, "Either I'm hallucinating or I'd say somebody was trying to avoid me."

Knowing the game was up, I stepped out from behind the bushes, "Can you blame me?"

She closed her eyes and shook her head, then motioned for me to sit down, which I did with great unease. We hadn't spoken properly since the argument, so I was lost for words.

"You're leaving," she stated.

"What reason have I to stay?"

She looked at me as I turned away from her, "Mia needs-"

"This has nothing to do with your granddaughter. Nothing."

Lowering her head, she took a drag of her cigarette and whispered, "No, it doesn't."

"So what then? What is it? You keep rejecting me over and over, I think I deserve to know the real reason, not the unbelievable bullshit you keep infecting my ear with."

I looked directly at her when I said that, I wanted her to know I saw through her lies. All she could do was sit there and shake her head, "I can't tell you, it's complicated."

"If it's that you don't love me, then just come out and say it."

"It's not that I don't love you because I do. It's just, it really has nothing to do with you."

"How can it not? I'm the one suffering here."

"It's a long story."

"I have all the time in the world."

"I don't want to have to re-live the memories, can't you understand that?"

"Not until I know."

Clarisse tried to distract me by putting out her cigarette and lighting another. I pulled it out of her hands and ripped it apart, "Tell me."

"I can't!"

She stood up and started walking away, "Come, Maurice."

I stood up as well and grabbed her arm before she could get anywhere, "Talk to me, I need to know why."

Our faces were so close to each other that I almost tried to kiss her, but I kept enough distance not to. We locked eyes and after keeping that position for a minute, we reached an understanding. Cautiously I pulled her back to the bench and sat her down, she began to speak, "Many, many years ago before you came to work here, I started a long running affair with one of my employees. You may remember Baxter?"

My eyes widened, I did remember him, Clarisse's former bodyguard whose job I took. I never knew they were involved with each other, it never showed.

"Well ever since I was introduced to him I felt an intense attraction, a great desire, something I had never felt before. He was tall, strong, dark haired and had these bright green eyes you could lose yourself in. He was older than I by ten years. We lusted after each other from the word go, we often took walks together, kissed in private, shared his bed. Much the same as what you and I do, or used to do."

I was sort of becoming even more heartbroken than I already was when she told me about him. It sounded to me as if she really loved him and cared for him up until she said, "…then he told me he was in love with me and I didn't know what to say. I didn't return his feelings, not like I do yours. It was lust, but he simply wouldn't take 'I'm not in love with you' for an answer. He kept trying to pursue me even after I let him down and being the stupid girl I was, I kept going back to him. He's the best lover I have ever known."

For a moment I wondered if she meant the best lover she'd had at that point in time, but her words suggested he was the best ever - better than me. As harsh as I thought that was, it was nothing compared to what she later said which lowered my self-esteem even more - I'll write about it a little later, but for now:

"Just before you came to work at the palace, he asked me to consider marrying him, but I was still with Rupert at the time, so I told him I'd think about it even though I had already made up my mind. A few months later I went to his suite for our weekly get-together and he asked me if I had thought it over. I told him the truth, that I wasn't in love with him and couldn't possibly marry him, but he went crazy and tried to hang himself in the wardrobe. Luckily though, the beam broke and he came tumbling to the ground before he lost consciousness. I was scared of that wardrobe ever since, and of the room itself. I couldn't face it, I almost made a man kill himself."

I nodded my head realising why she never came to see me when I was in that room.

"After that incident I knew he could no longer work here, he was insane. I asked Rupert to fire him, giving the reason that I wasn't being properly taken care of and he was gone within a week. That's when I started coming to see you, I was scared he might come back and attack me. Of course that's not the only reason I came to see you, I'm sure you remember I was going through a lot of other things at that time."

"The miscarriage," I nodded, suddenly coming up with a curious question, "Was Rupert the father?"

She gave me a questioning look.

"Of that child. It's just that the dates add up and…"

Narrowing her eyes she stared at me, "Of course he was. I was always careful when I was with men other than Rupert."

"So when does this story get to the part where you don't want to publicly be with me?"

"You have to let me finish. When Baxter found out he was being fired he attempted suicide again by this time walking into oncoming traffic. He was in a coma for two years, then he woke up one day and discovered he'd lost the use of his legs. He became very angry and tried to attack the palace without success. Remember when we all woke up that morning all the windows were broken?"

I nodded, I did remember waking up to find the windows in the palace broken, but I had lost my journal at that particular time, so I never wrote about it. Not in detail anyway. "How do you know it was him?"

"I was phoned the next day. He said it was payback time. I knew that if I told anyone he set up the attack, he'd tell everyone about us."

"Blackmail."

She took a long breath and continued, "Five years later he attacked again. Remember when the library caught on fire?"

That was another thing that happened while my journal was missing, but I remembered it.

"He had someone shoot a flaming arrow through the window. He called me the next morning and told me he would attack every five years until I was either dead or as miserable as he was. I wasn't certain about whether to believe it or not, but when he blew up the west tower I was convinced. Remember when the bomb hit just before you and I tried to make love for the first time?"

Smiling, I nodded once more – an action I had become accustomed to during the conversation. So it wasn't a plot to take over the crown after all…she lied…again!

"I became very frightened after that, I knew he meant business."

She paused to catch her breath, then continued, "The next time he attacked, you weren't there. He cut the brakes on all of the limousines, but luckily for Rupert and I, they're always tested before we're allowed to use them. The next time he attacked, he tried to shoot Rupert from a distance, but noble Paul noticed and took the bullet for him. I never got over the guilt that he died because of me. If I had known Baxter would go crazy I never would have gotten so close to him."

She took a moment to light another cigarette, "In the year 2000 he killed my dog, well he had someone drown it in the lake because he didn't have the physical ability to do it himself being in a wheelchair and all. God knows what he'd do to you if we went public."

So that was it. The reason she doesn't want to go public, because there's a small possibility I'll be killed. I'm not sure whether to believe her or not, because she's lied a lot to me over the years, but I've checked my journal and a lot of the things she said really do add up.

Back to the conversation, I protested, "He wouldn't do anything, I wouldn't let him."

Shaking her head she replied, "Yes he would. He'll get you when you least expect it."

"Well then I'd prefer to take the risk rather than live without you by my side."

She turned to me, "Well I wouldn't. I don't want to bring you into this mess I created."

"Don't you understand that I don't care? I just want to be with you and if that means risking my life, then let me be the one to deal with it."

Clarisse opened her mouth, but no words came out. I stood up and started walking away, "Joseph."

I stopped and turned around.

"I still love you, Joseph."

"I didn't think it possible for a woman of your experience to love a man."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh nothing, just that for the past 30 years I've been obsessing over what I now know is the village bicycle."

She frowned, obviously not understanding, "What does 'village bicycle' mean? I don't believe I've ever heard the concept."

Rolling my eyes I turned back around and headed to the exit of the clearing.

"What does it mean, Joseph?"

Stopping to turn around, I noticed her standing right behind me, "It means how many other of your many ex-lovers are out there that I'd have to be aware of if I were to be publicly involved with you?"

Obviously she didn't like that remark because she slapped me right across the face, "I have only ever been with four different men, four!"

"Only four?" I replied, sarcastically.

"You can talk. You claim to have been with many, many more women than I have men, although I have been doubting your honesty."

She had me cornered with that remark, I'll admit I have been with considerably more women than she has men, but I'm a guy! It's okay for me to sleep around.

Alright, so it's not, but I'm no queen and Clarisse is. She was supposed to have stayed faithful to the one man.

I asked her curiously, "What makes you doubt my honesty?"

She turned away and started walking back to the bench, "You won't be happy if I tell you."

"Tell me."

"Well," she paused, "for someone who claims to have had a lot of sexual experience, it doesn't exactly show."

"You're saying I'm a bad lover?"

"Not really bad. Boring is more the word I was looking for," she admitted, sitting down, "And I'm not just saying that because I'm angry with you for that village bike remark. You actually are really bad, but I've never had the heart to say so."

"I've had high kudos for my performances."

"Well, not from me. Do you know you haven't once found my special spot? Nobody else had any trouble."

I fell silent at that moment, it's not easy to hear from the woman you love that you're bad in bed. I decided to defend myself…poorly, "You know you're not so fantastic yourself."

"Well I'm hardly inspired."

She put out her cigarette and lit yet another one as she crossed her legs, "Next time we make love, I'll be on top. Then you can feel what real pleasure is."

"What makes you think there's going to be a next time?"

"You always come back, Joseph."

It was undeniably true, I am always drawn back to that woman no matter what.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, Clarisse, but I can assure you there will be no next time."

I started to walk away once again, it was going to be my big dramatic exit, that is until she said, "I'll give you one thing Joseph, you're an excellent kisser."

Scanning for sarcasm, I realised she was being genuine, the smile on her face said it all.

"And you score high marks for presentation," she added.

"Well I am the only man I know who showers at least once a day."

The magnetic force surrounding her started drawing me back in and reluctantly I sat back down. We stayed seated for about ten minutes staring at the ground in silence, I was thinking about how she could possibly think I'm bad in bed, she was probably thinking about the next lucky man whose life she could ruin. Suddenly out of nowhere I just blurted out, "How am I boring? What do I do differently to other men?"

She stayed silent momentarily in order to take a puff from her cigarette, then she shook her head and said, "Truthfully, it all goes rather quickly. You practically rush through the foreplay and jump straight to the sex, during which you are too soft and care too much about not hurting me. You suffer from what I believe they call premature ejaculation, and a word of advice, just because it's bigger, it doesn't mean it's better. Does that answer your question?"

BOOM went my self-esteem. How cold does a person have to be to say something like that?

"Let me get this straight, you hate it when I make love to you?"

"I wouldn't say hate, it's just not as pleasurable as I'm accustomed to."

"Well I apologise if my inadequate performance wasn't up to the queen's impossibly high standards."

"Joseph…"

"I have been told by many women that my performance is above that of many others. Do you want me to prove it to you?"

Suddenly I found myself grabbing her around the buttocks and attempting to lay her down, "I'll prove it to you."

"Joseph don't…"

Quite violently I pressed my lips down on hers and started running my hands through her hair, much to her resistance. She half-heartedly kept telling me to get off her, but when I did, she pulled me straight back on top of her. I took that as a sign to continue.

So that's what happened, we made love on a concrete bench on a cold night with only her cloak and the heat from each other's body to keep us warm. I took note of everything she told me not to do and put it to the test. I made the event last for well over forty minutes and when we were done I collapsed on top of her, desperate for breath.

As I struggled to get as much air as possible, I heard her casually say, "Better."

Better! That was it! I put in so much effort and all she could say was 'better'. God, I'll never be able to please her, perhaps it's best we're to be parting at the end of the week.

Almost immediately after I caught my breath she was lighting up another bloody cigarette. I swear she'll end up with cancer if she keeps smoking so much.

My head rested beside hers on the bench, it was a very uncomfortable excuse for a pillow, but I really needed to rest after trying so hard to please her majesty. Shortly I fell asleep on top of her, too buggered to move or say anything.

This morning I woke up to a few drops of cold water splashing down on my bare back. It was only raining very lightly, but it was annoying since I wasn't fully awake at the time. Eventually it woke me up completely. I opened my eyes and looked at my surroundings wondering where I was, then I remembered the previous night. Carefully and painfully I lifted my head up and looked at the figure underneath me -Clarisse. I don't know how she could breathe with my weight on top of her, but she managed to stay alive, or so I realised when I noticed she was awake and staring up at the sky.

It was a hard task trying to separate our bodies, mainly because my muscles were sore and my skin was stuck to hers. Nevertheless I slowly peeled myself off her and sat up, clutching my head and realising just how much sleeping on that bench would take it's toll. I ached from top to bottom.

My clothes were scattered on the ground all around the bench along with hers, picking them up I realised they were wet. After I loosely dressed myself, I put my shoes on and started regretting sleeping with her when I promised myself I'd never go back. I don't know why I can't stop being in love with her, I never thought anything could be as hard as this. When I was tying my shoelaces she sat up and slid her hands around my waist, "Good morning."

I didn't say anything, I didn't know what to say.

"Sleep well?"

I still kept my mouth shut.

"Not happy I take it?"

"This was a mistake."

I stood up, not wanting to make eye-contact for fear that I'd cry.

"Well you may think it's a mistake, but it's one I don't regret. My back might, but I don't."

Pulling my jacket on, I started to walk away, feeling her eyes on me, "You are staying, aren't you?"

The meaning of that sentence wasn't clear to me, did she mean staying there with her or staying at the palace? Either way my answer to both was a simple, "No."

With that I left and returned to my suite at the palace to take a long shower. The warm water felt so good on my skin, I was freezing from spending the night outside in nothing but a woman.

I must have spent at least an hour under the shower just thinking about her - it really was a mistake.

I took a walk outside just before and saw Clarisse out with Maurice, she seems to have already gotten over everything as usual. That's just how she is. I stared at her for ages wondering whether I should really leave or not. I've come to think that if I did leave, I'd be right back the next day hungry for her, needing my fix. I hate her so god-damned much.

Well, I have to get changed now and collect the princess from her suite in order to take her to the alter where she will no doubt make the biggest mistake of her life. I feel about as sorry for her as I do for myself.

I have wanted to write this chapter for so long it's not funny. And now, four or five days after I started it, it's finished and posted. FYI: I am continuing this story and don't worry, aserene, I've put too much work into getting the dates in order to make an alternative ending. R & R!