Still 23/8/04

Clarisse and I had to have been stuck on that mountain for at least twelve hours. The only reason we were saved is because I was having difficulty sleeping and walked down to the main road after she dozed off and waved down a car. I used some person's car phone to call for help and returned without Clarisse knowing I left her. Early morning we were found and escorted off the mountain to the nearest garage where we bought some very expensive, but high quality tyres and went on our way.

The car was quite filthy on the outside, despite the rain, so we went through the car wash. It wasn't one of those ones you see in movies where the car moves along a conveyor belt or something, it was one where you drive in, turn off the car and wait about ten minutes while a machine cleans, waxes and dries your car for you.

Clarisse must have been really bored because she spent a whole minute trying to tune the radio, then she gave up and jumped on top of me. It was very squashy and oh so squeezy trying to make love in that car, her head kept hitting the roof and I was dealing with the full body of her weight on my lap. I asked her why she couldn't wait until we got to a motel and she said because she thought it would be romantic…

Romantic?

She explained that the misty spray on the glass was like summer rain tapping on the window, the foamy scrub reminded her of how we take bubble baths together, the wiping of the sponges brought swimming jellyfish into her mind and the blow dryer caused her to think of a cool breeze blowing in from the west.

I commented on how poetic she was being, but in my mind I was asking myself why I married such a freak. She's been having weird personality changes ever since that blessed day when we married, she seems happier, more in touch with herself – more human.

Instead of going to France, we decided to simply stay on the border at a motel located in the middle of nowhere. We ate a nice meal, watched a few movies and had a wonderful bath together - the bathroom here is fancier than Clarisse's one at the palace! It has maroon walls, a chandelier, white laced curtains and a large bathtub trimmed with gold. Pretty much what you'd expect for six hundred bucks a night. The bedroom isn't as fancy, but it still beats the décor of our suite at the palace. We're planning on staying here for the whole week, but Mia rang earlier and said she's finding it hard to juggle a new boyfriend and her new job, so I wouldn't be surprised if she rang up and begged us to come home.

So I'm going to be spending the week waiting for that inevitable call beckoning us to travel back north and resume our royal duties.

For now, I am going to lay back in bed listening to my wonderful wife breathing peacefully beside me as she attempts to enter the land of nod.

24/8/04

Mia called us early this morning, but she rang to invite us to the opening of a new orphanage, I told her we couldn't make it. I don't want to travel back just yet, I want to spend some more time just lazing around, eating luxurious food, sleeping in a large comfortable bed, making love in it with Clarisse.

By late afternoon I was beginning to get bored, so I suggested Clarisse and I go and see a movie, she asked rather curiously, "A movie?"

"Yes, I hear there's a lovely cinema in town right next to a French restaurant, I thought it might be a nice way to spend the evening."

"Possibly…but my favourite television programme is on tonight."

"Then tape it!"

"…tape? Wouldn't that be considered illegal piracy?"

I shook my head and walked away from her laughing.

"Just be ready by seven and dress nice."

She straightened up her jacket and gazed at me, "Which movie are we to be viewing?"

"We'll decide when we get there, but I don't want to see a chick flick."

That was a lie, I do want to see a chick-flick.

People think that because of the way I act and dress I'm automatically into action/adventure or spy movies, but I actually prefer a good lovey-dovey feel good chick-flick.

As were driving up here yesterday, I saw a sign at the cinema saying they were going to screen 'Titanic' every night of the week for a whole week. Secretly I want to go and see it, but I don't want to let on, so I'm going to let Clarisse pick the movie then pretend to be disappointed when she chooses Titanic - her most favourite movie in the world. Nevertheless, I will "agree" to see it with her and we'll both be happy.

Well, I'd better get ready to go, Clarisse has just started on her face, so she's about two hours into her getting ready…only one more to go.

24/8/04 (after the film)

Tonight certainly didn't go to plan…

First off, Clarisse couldn't quite decide whether to change her blue underwear to black underwear…I said:

"Clarisse, I'm going to remove them at the end of the night anyway whether they're blue or black, so really it makes no difference to me."

Then she wanted to call the palace to see how her god-damned dog was doing, but I accidentally made her upset by saying:

"Hopefully it's dead in a gutter somewhere."

Then she wouldn't come out of the room after I apologized repeatedly and begged for forgiveness.

"It was a joke, darling, I swear."

And finally, when she did come out she wanted to drive the car, to which I simply replied:

"Over my dead body!"

All this before we'd even gotten to the cinema!

When we arrived at the Frenovian Cinema Complex, I asked Clarisse to pick a movie…she said, "Why don't we see that new car-chasing movie that's in no way different to all the previous car-chase movies? You should like it."

"Actually, I want you to pick something you would like, don't focus your attentions on me."

"Oooh! They're screening Titanic! But you wouldn't want to see that, would you?"

"As much as I despise that movie, if it would make you happy, I could very much oblige to go and see it."

"No don't be silly, I'll simply choose something else."

Clarisse must have gone through half the list trying to figure out what to watch, in the end much to my disappointment, she picked a horror film. I sat there the whole time shielding my eyes from all the bloodshed and guts that were being spilled all over the place. Clarisse, to my surprise, couldn't contain her laughter – she was the loudest person in the cinema, and the most embarrassing person to sit with. Halfway through, I walked out of the room and ran straight for the toilet. I felt sick from the sight of blood and vomited three times. After the movie Clarisse rang me and asked me "where the hell" I'd gone, I told her I was in the toilet feeling quite ill from the pop-corn, then I told her I'd be at her side in a matter of moments.

Later, we sat at a restaurant and had a look at the menu – to my horror, everything was in French. I attempted to translate the menu, but I couldn't remember any of the French language I learnt in the forth grade. I didn't want to offend anyone by asking what the choices were, so I picked three courses and waited thirty minutes for them to appear on my table.

"Bon appetite!" The waiter announced, pulling the lid off the first course, revealing raw meat with a side-salad.

"What on earth did you order that for, Joseph?"

"What IS it?"

"Raw beef and salad it looks like, I hope you're not planning on eating it," she laughed, bringing a full fork of grilled steak to her mouth.

"What am I supposed to do with it? Put it on my face if I get a bruise?"

She looked lovingly at me and smiled, "If Maurice were here, you could slip it under the table. When Rupert took me to an Asian restaurant on one of our anniversaries, I ordered something that he assured me was delicious, but turned out to be sheep testicles. He only told me what they were after I'd swallowed one – after that the rest went to my dog."

Giggling slightly, I focussed my eyes on Clarisse's bag and pondered emptying the contents of my plate into it. Shaking my head I knew that if I did do it, I'd regret it later, so I sat there poking it with a fork and trying to spread it out over the plate to make it look like I'd eaten some, but there was just too much damn meat!

I thought about paging myself and pretending there was an emergency, but I couldn't think of anything. Another thing I thought of doing was ringing the fire alarm, but that would have ruined dinner for at least fifty other people.

The waiter was the first (apart from Clarisse) to notice I hadn't eaten anything, "Something wrong, monsieur?"

"Whatever do you mean?"

"You haven't touched your food."

"I'm…uh…I'm waiting for it to ah…cool down."

"Is too hot for monsieur? No worry, I get you another."

With that he took the plate and came back with…drumroll…

A practically frozen plate of raw meat.

"Great," I moaned, "Thankyou…ha…looks delicious."

Clarisse was covering her mouth and trying not to laugh at me, I took that as a go ahead to dump the meat in her bag.

I was staring at that plate for another ten minutes while thinking about how to get Clarisse to look away while I piled it into her bag, I tried the 'oh what's that thing in the sky?' tactic to try and get her to look away, but she was too quick and I only managed to get a spoonful in it. My next plan was more successful, though I felt bad for the poor waiter. I tripped him up and let Clarisse attend to him while I stuffed the entire chunk of raw meat into her bag. We sat back down and apologized to the waiter, then wait for it…

Clarisse got up to use the toilet.

Seriously, couldn't she have gone before I settled on the idea of tripping the poor man over?

I rolled my eyes and leaned back in my chair, which wasn't built very well considering it collapsed from under me and gave me my kamuffins.

So all and all my attempt for a romantic night was a complete disaster, but I'm finally able to have some rest and relaxation here in our suite.

"Joseph," Clarisse just asked, "What is your dinner doing in my handbag?"

Uh-oh, I'm in for it now!

Night!

A/N: Shorter, I know, but it's either this or wait another few weeks. Review please!