Chapter 31 – Confessional Part 1
"Well that was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life," Lisbon muttered to Jane as they left Wainwright's office, her cheeks ablaze. He'd insisted on speaking to both her and Jane about the 'change' in their relationship. Jane, of course, had slipped into relaxed character easily, unperturbed by Wainwright's verbal meanderings on romantic shenanigans getting in the way of detective work. He'd been more amused by the younger man's own sense of discomfiture in broaching the subject than he had in answering him. In fact if things between himself and Lisbon were not still on shaky ground he would have enjoyed in prolonging both his superiors' awkwardness with a few innuendo laden comments. The word 'propriety' had been bandied about more than once during the discussion. Only Lisbon's hard glare had stopped him from answering that he would never have solved a single crime if he had considered any kind of propriety in the workplace.
"Oh, come on, could have been worse," he replied with a wave of his hand as they made their way to the break room.
"Suppose," she agreed, "he could have insisted you switch teams. I'm still your supervisor, it's hardly appropriate behaviour."
"He knew better than to try that, I'm sure he heard what happened when Bertram tried to put Ray Haffner in charge of me," he grinned.
She smiled at the memory. Softly, "Even now you feel the same way? You'd have me as your supervisor instead of someone else?"
He stopped his tea preparation and gave her his full attention. "You understand me," he answered with a small shrug as if his response was obvious. She was inexplicably moved by that simple statement that could encompass a multitude of meanings and as the moment became increasingly charged between them he suddenly turned and took his cup from the drainer. A smile crept up on his lips. "Besides, I don't feel much like breaking someone new in," he joked to dissipate the thick tension.
"Ha ha," she replied with an eye roll after a second's recovery time.
"The fact you're technically my boss never worried you much before," he said in a more conversational manner.
"Well that was when hardly anyone knew." She had already noticed the looks and smirks they were now getting from colleagues and they'd only been 'together' an hour and naturally hated being the topic of tawdry office gossip.
"The die is cast now, Lisbon. No turning back. Don't fret. We'll be old news in a day or two. People are only interested today as the office pool on the subject is finally closed."
"Van Pelt's cleaning up just in time for her wedding," she commented as she fetched some coffee with a shake of her head.
"Nice little trousseau I'd say," Jane nodded.
"Sorry," she sighed as she drank from her cup. "This was my idea, shouldn't be whining about it."
He smirked over the rim of his cup. "Well isn't that what good boyfriends are far? Listening to their girlfriend's whining."
He placed the cup on the counter and took a breath, becoming serious again. "Do you want to come over to my place tonight?"
As she drew her head back in surprise at the intimate sounding invitation he added quietly, "I believe I have a promise to make good on."
A beat passed as she continued to frown. "Oh, right," she nodded in realisation as she expelled a breath, "the Red John and Janet Walker stuff."
"Time to fill you in. If you still want to be that is."
"Of course I do. On a scale of one to ten how mad will I be?"
He shrugged. "We'll see, won't we?"
"I brought Thai," she said as he opened his motel room door hours later. She glanced nervously from side to side as she stood on his doorstep, knowing they had to make some kind of sign that showed they were romantically involved in the likely event that Jane's place was being watched. He bridged the gap and kissed her softly on the lips in full view of the parking lot as he took the bag from her. "Great," he smiled, gesturing with his arm for her to enter, his eyes lingering outside as he closed the door behind her with a heavy sigh.
She looked around the beige motel room and asked, "How are you settling back in here?" as he grabbed some cutlery.
"Oh, it's fine. Has everything I need," he smiled. He gestured to a small table that sat opposite the bed, "Please, take a seat."
She removed her jacket and sat down, fiddling with her cross for a few seconds as Jane opened cartons in front of her, his eyes darting every now and then in her direction as he did so. "Well this smells good," he commented. "I'm starving. You?"
She shrugged noncommittally.
"Eat," he ordered her, "I'm not saying anything until you do."
She rolled her eyes at him but began to pick at a few items from the plastic containers. When she'd satisfied the appetite she didn't realise she had she drank from a bottle of water. "I've eaten. Now it's your turn to fess up."
He took a deep breath as he emptied the takeout containers into his trash. "Fair enough."
She crossed her arms across her chest as he came back to sit opposite her again. He began, "Well first of all I should say that I did give up. After...the night I left. I gave up on everything for a while."
"Even Red John?" she asked softly as she uncrossed her arms.
"Even him." He shook his head and puffed out a long breath. "I was...devastated. I didn't know what had been real and what hadn't. Lost I suppose. Couldn't think of you without thinking about him and couldn't think of him without thinking about you." He laughed quietly without humour. "Sophie's choice. Each option just as painful."
"Jane-"
He saw the guilt in her eyes immediately and shook his head, quieting her. "I'm not bringing this up to hurt or upset you, Lisbon. Just giving you some background, an idea of where my head was at. I'm more than aware I'm not blameless in all of this too."
Softly, "Okay," she nodded. "Go ahead."
He looked off to the window beside him, curtains covering it as he stared at the thin taupe fabric. His voice became distant, removed from the here and now. "So I thought of neither of you. Or tried to. Wasn't entirely successful. I can barely recall the first two weeks. Drove until I couldn't keep my eyes open or simply got drunk all day. End result was falling into a motel room much like this one every night and tossing and turning until the morning."
He was quiet for a few seconds as his eyes glazed over at the memories then quickly turned his head towards her again, cleared his throat. Louder, "I realised one morning as I sat over a plate of eggs and hungover as hell that the only thing worse than having a singular purpose is not having one at all."
"So you resumed your search for him."
He shrugged, his fingers playing with his wedding ring. "Somewhat consequentially but yes."
His words hung in the air for a moment before he spoke again.
"I hadn't ventured much further than California." He laughed softly. "I'm sure a hundred psychiatrists would have a field day why I drove in circles around Sacramento effectively but there you have it. Anyway, I was in San Francisco, had been for a week or so, I'd been gone almost four months by this stage, and was having my breakfast at a diner I went to where the eggs were palatable. Then I noticed this woman after a few days. She said nothing at first but came in every day and sat with a cup of coffee for half an hour before leaving. We started to nod to each other, you know like regulars do."
"Janet Walker," Lisbon commented. "So you didn't meet her when you visited her gallery like you said."
He shook his head. "No, I lied about that."
"Why?"
He shrugged. "Because I felt like it. It was a less complicated story to tell than the truth." He ignored Lisbon's eye roll and continued, "In the diner she looked...out of place there so caught my eye. There she was, a woman of expensive tastes in a cafe that sold two dollar breakfasts. Naturally I was intrigued by her."
Lisbon pushed down the rush of jealousy at his last comment. She had asked him for the truth and had to accept whatever form that took. "So you talked to her?"
"Eventually yes. That's when I realised she worked for Red John. I had half suspected as much just by observing her watch me but that was when I knew for certain."
Lisbon's eyes widened. "How?"
He shrugged, leaned back in his chair. "Body language. Mannerisms to start with. She smiled at me when I looked like something that should be taken out with the trash."
"Maybe she just wanted-"
"Sex with a bit of rough?" he smiled. He laughed softly. "Well I certainly fit that bill at the time but no, wasn't that. There was something in her eyes. Conniving. Smarter than that. So we talked, she told me about the gallery, we discussed art, all of that. But I immediately got the impression there was a hidden agenda, that he'd sent her to spy on me." He rose from his chair and began to make tea. "I was pissed at first. There he was interfering in my life again. I almost called her out as soon as we began talking, almost told her that I saw through her and to go back and tell him I was done."
"But you didn't."
"No. That's when I had my realisation. Before then I was drifting. Into oblivion. That first spark of anger at him after months of trying to feel nothing...it was like an electric shock kick-started my brain. I was angry again and I embraced it. Better feeling angry than feeling nothing I figured." He pointed to a cup and she nodded as he put the kettle on to boil. He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned to look at her, "So I held on to it. That anger. Towards him and...towards you." He looked to his shoes as he sighed. He spoke quietly, "It's always been an easier emotion for me to feel. Much easier than love or pain over the loss of love."
"I know what you mean," she replied quietly, a lump in her throat.
After a second where he looked sadly at her he cleared his throat and quickened his movements as he fetched teabags and milk. "Right, back to Janet," he said in a more controlled manner. "So I became friendly with her, kept the conversation light, flirted with her as she did with me. It was like a play and both of us could tell the other one was acting mostly but it worked for us."
"You liked her," Lisbon stated.
He thought for a long moment as he passed her a cup and sat down opposite her again. "She amused me. Liked?" He shook his head. "No."
"Well things must have changed if you slept with her." Lisbon stared him down, needing confirmation one way or another of exactly what type of relationship he had with Janet Walker.
Jane studied her, a crease appearing between his eyes. "Somehow you've figured out I never did."
Lisbon did everything in her power to keep her expression neutral, to ignore the pain in her gut that he'd implied he had when he'd returned and ignore the rush of euphoria that he never did. "Why lie to me about that?" She held a hand up as he opened his mouth. "And don't say you didn't actually lie, you inferred it and you made sure I thought you did."
He shrugged and looked to his shoes. "To hurt you. To make sure you kept your distance and I kept mine."
She nodded, releasing a breath. "Okay, go on."
He cleared his throat. "I began to follow her after I suspected-"
"You stalked her?!" she interjected.
"I prefer to think of it as tailing her."
"To lead you to Red John."
"So I hoped," he nodded and got off the chair again, lifting up the edge of the carpet at the far wall. "What are you doing?" she asked.
He ignored her and pulled the beige material away from the floorboards and pulled up a loose one, extracting a brown folder. He stood with it in his hands for a moment before he passed it to her, regarding her warily for a moment before he returned the room to its original state. "Full disclosure is what was agreed, right?"
Lisbon opened the folder and found lists inside, some handwritten, some typed, diagrams with arrows pointing to names and dates and places. She quickly flicked through the contents. "What is all this?"
"My surveillance. I noted everyone she talked to on a regular basis, both those who visited the gallery and those she mentioned to me as acquaintances."
"I'm guessing you think one of these people is Red John."
"Yes. Although whether he told her his actual name or not I doubt it so not sure how much of it is going to help."
"Hmm. He does like aliases," she muttered as she leafed through the pages. She put the folder on the table. "Tell me about Costas. Did Janet kill him?"
"Yes."
She rolled her eyes, "Jane, I need more than that."
He sighed and took a large sip of tea. "It really has nothing to do with Red John."
"I still want to know."
He rolled his eyes. "Fine. Like the story went, he wanted to take the gallery off her so she killed him so she could keep it."
"Her alibi?"
"Faked. She hired a lookalike from some modelling agency to pose as her."
"There must be receipts, booking references-"
"She paid cash. She was clever."
Lisbon bit her lip and took a breath.
"I didn't know about it until afterwards," he said before she posed the question on her lips.
"You figured out what she'd done."
"Yes."
"And threatened to go to the police."
"I did."
Lisbon paused, "That's when you confronted her about Red John. You said you wouldn't if she told you who he was."
He smiled and eased himself back in the chair as he nodded. "It had been going on for months and I realised I was getting pulled into another game of cat and mouse again. He must have realised I'd figured out she knew him but she never came with a message from him or gave me any indication she was going to. I finally had some leverage so I used it. Or tried to."
"He got to her before she could tell you."
"Yes."
Lisbon frowned and then her eyes went wide. "You arrived and interrupted him. It didn't look like a Red John crime scene because he hadn't finished. Jane, was she still alive when you got there? She was, wasn't she?"
He sighed, paused for a second then nodded. "Only just."
"Did she tell you anything?"
"I'm not sure. It may have been nothing."
"Tell me."
"She could hardly breathe never mind talk but she pointed to her left shoulder."
"What does that mean? He has a birthmark there, something like that?"
"A mark of some kind. I think so, yes."
A/N: Sorry for the mostly plot ridden and short chapter but have to start getting into the background of Janet Walker's death sometime. There's more to come next chapter as Jane finishes disclosing what he knows and has been up to secretly thus far.