21/12/04

Something irritating happened to me this morning, I had the decency to wake up at 2am to drive to the airport to pick up Mia's aunt and great aunt whom I've never even met and the stupid bitch treats me like I'm a piece of shit. When I arrived at the terminal I held up a plastic sign with their names on it, then two women approached me and asked to see my identification, then the older one looked at me as if I were the most vulgar thing she's ever seen! Then as I went to escort the two ladies by taking their arms, the older one (my age) slapped me across the face and said she could walk without assistance. I kept my cool and wished I hadn't volunteered to pick them up. The younger one, Mia's aunt Maggie, was not as rude as the other one, in fact she seemed quite intrigued to meet me. She said she'd wanted to meet me for a long time, though I didn't understand why, it's not like I've been famous for long. Marissa didn't approve of Maggie taking a shine to me, even in the car as I looked in the rear-view mirror I could see Marissa eyeballing her niece as she stared at the back of my head. It was the most awkward situation I've ever been in! I was so relieved when I got the two to the palace and passed them off to someone else.

I practically ran to Clarisse in order to wake her up and tell her about the craziness of my morning, but she was much more interested in getting some sleep rather than listening to my rantings. So my morning was quite unpleasant and the fact that I'm stressed to the absolute core about whether or not my painting will be ready by Christmas is making life even more difficult for me. I really don't want to have to find an alternative gift for my new wife because she is one of the hardest people to buy for! I can't get her jewelery, because anything I pick out wouldn't be expensive enough, DVDs are too impersonal and she doesn't watch them much anyway, clothing - enough said and any trinkets I buy for her would probably be thrown in a box never again to see the light of day. So if I don't get this painting done soon, I'm going to be in big trouble.

Another thing that's been eating me lately is the stress of our ever-growing retirement mansion on the beach. Clarisse keeps adding extra pointless rooms. I mean who has ever heard of a room being specifically designed for BLOWING YOUR NOSE!? Right now I don't think Christmas really is the most wonderful time of the year.

After my terrible morning, Mia's aunt and great aunt were formerly introduced to Clarisse and I, Maggie (the younger one) hardly acknowledged Clarisse, she seemed more interested in being near me. Perhaps she has a crush on me or something?

Marissa (the older one) still stuck up her nose at me and was 'fakely' pleasant to Clarisse. Mia observed our meeting with a look of concern on her face, she calmly tried to bring light conversation into the group, but because her great aunt is such an unpleasant bitch, nobody had anything to say. THEN we had to eat dinner with them, which I don't even want to go into again because I'd rather forget about the fuss that was made over insignificant things and the kicks in the shin I received under the table. Luckily Helen had arrived just in time to calm the mood. I think I may find an excuse to miss dinner the next two nights and attempt to avoid these two ladies at any cost.

22/12/04

Today was officially the end of the year for the full-time members of the palace staff. I offered Charlotte a lift to the airport in order to:

a. get away from Mia's horrible aunts and

b. spend as much time with my best friend Charlotte before she returns to America for a month's holiday with her family.

I'm going to miss her, I always do at the end of the year - she's the only person I can really talk to.

She left a present for me under the tree in the ballroom, Charlotte always gives good presents - I wonder what it is.

24/12/04

Well life hasn't been getting any easier for me these past couple of days, it's Christmas eve, I have no present to give my wife in the morning because the stupid painter I hired has gone into hiding, Marissa is still the bitch from hell and something freaky happened to me earlier today.

How would you feel if a fifty-three year old woman whom you've barely just met came up to you and asked to be held? Because that's what happened to me! Maggie came into my private study when I was reading today and sat down. I was instantly on the edge of my seat wondering why this woman wanted to be in the same room with me. I didn't give her my full attention as she asked questions about my personal life, I merely thought of an excuse to leave, however when I tried to exit the room, she asked if I would just stay a moment to...hold her. She wanted me to wrap my arms around her and just hold her a bit. Initially, I objected, however when I realised I wasn't going to escape, I very reluctantly did as she asked. The whole thing felt wrong, I didn't know why she wanted to hug me, nor did I know why she wouldn't let go until I practically threw her off me. She had tears of joy in her eyes as she left, whereas I had a mind full of questions in my head.

I decided to consult Clarisse about it immediately after it happened, mainly because you can never be sure who's seen you do what in the palace and I thought the truth would sound best coming from me rather than twisted down through the grapevine. So I asked her opinion of what it was all about and she didn't hit me like I thought she might, she just sat there thinking. She couldn't quite understand it herself.

I wish this year would end immediately! I wish Christmas would be cancelled and I wish these weird relatives of the new queen would just get out of my life!

25/12/04

Christmas day actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I planned to wake up before Clarisse in order to find something I could give to her for Christmas, but I slept in as usual and she was in the ballroom along with everybody else while I was upstairs dreaming. I came down at about 9am and found every member of our extended family sitting on the rug with arms crossed looking quite angry with me.

"Where have you been? We've been waiting two hours!" Clarisse snapped at me, "Trust you to sleep in."

I stared at the dozens of wrapped presents under the tree, "Why didn't you start without me?"

"This is our first Christmas all together!"

Choosing not to argue, I simply said, "Merry Christmas," to everyone and sat down. Presents began circling the room, Mia's creepy aunts had their eyes fixed on me and I was quite disturbed. Not only did I have to share the same residence as these highly peculiar women, but I had to spend the whole day with them. Four presents were handed to me. They were a PlayStation 3 from Mia, a brand new watch from Helen and Patrick, a new journal made from real Italian leather and a Parker pen from Charlotte and a blue box with a set of keys in it from Clarisse. My face lit up when I saw them, last time she gave me a set of keys I ended up with a 300,000 dollar car, I wondered what she'd bought me this time.

When everybody else had opened all their presents, Clarisse turned expectantly to me with a smile on her face, "Well, aren't you going to give me my present?"

This is what I had been dreading for the past few weeks, I had nothing to give her and I had no excuse why. It didn't help my nerves that everybody in the room was staring at me, I tried not to make eye-contact with anyone as I stumbled to find the right words to get myself out of this. My wife kept looking at me, her smile becoming dimmer with every second that passed. Suddenly my eyes were drawn to attention by a large package I had neglected to notice earlier. A rectangular gift with red wrapping paper roughly wrapped around it. I hesitantly stood up and stepped over to it praying to god it was the painting Le'Andre should have had ready over a week ago. I gently lifted the giftag and read some corny message which was obviously not written by me, and I smiled with relief, lifting the package with great care. It was about 2 ft in height and 3 ft in length. I handed it to Clarisse and the smile came back to her face.

"You could have wrapped it a little better," she eyeballed me, "and it wouldn't have hurt to write the card yourself."

I thought this was stupid because for as long as I have known her - which is quite a long time - she had never ever wrapped her own presents or written her own cards.

She unwrapped it and immediately gasped, clenching her hand over her mouth. She pressed the painting against her chest before anybody could see it and rose from her chair, taking the painting with her. I followed.

When we were out of earshot, she whispered, "How could you give me something like this in front of everybody! Do you know how embarrassing it could have been?"

"What's the matter? It's a portrait of us! What's there to be-"

Suddenly she turned it around to face me, I was shocked and aroused at what I saw - Le'Andre must have been hiding in a cupboard or hanging around outside our bedroom window or something because he had painted a portrait of Clarisse and I making love. It showed us naked between silk sheets locked in a passionate kiss with our arms wrapped around each other. Nothing too pornographic, but erotic nonetheless.

"I like it," I managed to say before she slammed it against her chest and started pacing up the stairs.

"Yes it's wonderful, but it's hardly appropriate for a family Christmas."

"Alright, I'm sorry."

We reached our suite and went in. She removed the remaining paper from it and placed it on the sofa, stepping back to admire it, "Thankyou, it's lovely. Who painted it?"

"An idiot I'll be glad to see the back of."

She smiled and turned to me, wrapping her hands around my waist and kissing my lips, "Merry Christmas, darling."

We kissed for about ten minutes before I realised I still hadn't seen my present.

"So what's the deal with these keys?" I asked, holding them up.

"Oh! Would you like to see it?"

She grabbed my hand and practically pulled me through the door, leading me down the stairs, out of the palace and into the garage.

My heart was racing with excitement, what was it? I asked myself, a motorbike? A racing car? No, I looked around and saw a 32ft luxury Mustang with a huge red bow tie around it.

Okay, so it wasn't what I was expecting. A motorbike or another convertible would have been better, but I guess a boat's okay too. I mean I do own a boat licence, but I've never driven one before and I confess myself slightly afraid of travelling on water.

After I expressed my gratitude to Clarisse, I asked her if she would like to step on board with me. It was quite difficult for us two oldies to climb on board, but we managed okay and took a look inside. The interior was beautiful. There was a small kitchenette made of this nice looking wood as well as a table with a long cushy seat, a tiny little bathroom you can barely move in, a huge bed/couch in the stern and under the steps you climb down into the cabin is a double bed. I suggested to Clarisse that we test it out immediately, however she told me we had to get a move on, so I settled for a quick snog on the couch/bed.

Maybe the boat will come in handy, all I have to do is take lessons in driving it which I'll have plenty of time to do since I'm retired. Now I have to think of a name for it...

I tried not to stuff myself silly at Christmas lunch, but the smoked hams, roast veggies and cupcakes were so tempting. I know I should have left room for the huge Christmas dinner later, but when I see yummy food I can't help but eat it.

So all and all the day wasn't too bad.

At the moment I'm just sitting in my den and waiting for my girl to tell me to get ready. Clarisse has spent the last hour getting her hair and makeup done because apparently we have to go out tonight to see some kids dressed up as Christmas trees parading about. She says I was told about it weeks ago, but I don't remember.

Still 25/12/04

Finally got some time to myself after a mindblowingly hectic evening!

We all sat down to was promised to be a lovely dinner amoung family and friends, but what started off as a pleasant evening soon turned into a night of chaos and confusion.

It all started when desert arrived. Everyone was given a plate containing two pears, four grapes and seven cubes of cheese. I ate it all over the space of two hours and forty five minutes because I was extremely full after breakfast, lunch and the half a turkey we had each just eaten a few moments before. I was feeling just about ready to burst, so I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I really shouldn't have eaten that last piece of cheese because it fused itself with the rest of the contents in my body, not to mention the half bottle of wine I'd consumed. So it all mixed together and I felt quite ill. I lifted the seat of the toilet, stuck my head in and everything all came out. I must have thrown up a dozen times before I exited the "lavatory" (a posh word for loo).

When I did eventually come back out after an hour or so, "Great Aunt Marissa" was waiting right outside the door with her arms crossed.

Being the polite man I am, I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were waiting. You do realise there are 472 other bathrooms in the palace you could have used?"

Her face crinkled up, "I'm waiting for you."

Slightly scared I asked, "Why?"

She grabbed the collar of my shirt and pushed me against the door, she had a lot of muscle for her age, "Do you recognise me?"

I looked up and down from her long white hair to her not-so-slender waist then her shoes, "Should I?"

"I remember you. The first man I ever loved, the first man that broke my heart. Though of course you weren't actually a man back in those days, just a boy. I see not much has changed."

Concentrating very hard on this woman, I did sense some sort of familiarity. I already figured out I must have slept with her sometime early on in my life, however since I bedded many women in my younger days - about four Marissa's - I was unsure of which one she was.

Releasing my collar, she slapped my face and shook her head, "Pathetic."

We went back to dinner and she glared at me across the table. Clarisse noticed how uncomfortable I was and held my hand under the table.

When dinner was over we all went to the town square and watched "The march of the Christmas Trees". It was really, really, really, really, REALLY BORING. I felt like my head would fall off if I watched one more kid trip over their own costume. I swear all they did was walk around in circles, then more kids would come out dressed in the same costumes and walk around in circles, then even MORE kids would come out in the SAME costumes. It was driving me insane. Eventually it finished at ten o clock and we were finally allowed to go home. Clarisse was so tired from having got up so early that she spent the journey home asleep in my arms.

When we got home I lifted Clarisse's sleepy head and kissed her all over her face until she slapped me away - she hates waking up to saliva on her face. We had a giggle and got out of the car, then headed up to our suite and made love four twenty minutes - she fell asleep half way through, so being a gentleman, I stopped.

My mind is everywhere, I had Christmas trees running around in my head and I was trying to remember at what time in my life did I sleep with Mia's stupid aunt. She claimed I was a boy back then, so I'm guessing I was somewhere between 13 - 17. But as I said, I slept with about four Marissa's when I was a teenager. If only I had kept a journal back then...

K, again sorry I never write, never can be bothered. Thought I'd end this here so youse have something to read now rather than a few months time. Review please