Chapter 35 - Rollercoaster

He puffed out a breath and spoke softly. "Because I don't need a band of gold as a memento that I was once married to a wonderful woman. Nor do I need it to remind me of my quest to defeat Red John. When...when we became a couple I should have taken it off then-"

"You were afraid of Red John finding out about us. I understood that, Jane."

He smiled at her and took another breath. "I've come to realise I was afraid of more than that. And I think you always suspected as much."

The infinitesimal movement of her hand towards her cross before she stopped herself gave him his confirmation.

"I've used Red John as a justification for not moving on with my life since he entered it. Being afraid of what he might bring to my door again has kept me from confronting my own fears of what that might require from me. And while the threat of what he might take from me again was and is very real I need to address my own shortcomings too. To have the courage to give myself fully to another person without being consumed by the fear of losing them, no matter how that might happen. And the truth, Teresa, is that I was a pretty lousy boyfriend to you."

He put his hand up to stop her when she opened her mouth to refute the allegation. "Please let me finish. I'm not saying I was when we were alone with each other. Those times, I was the best I could possibly be and I know I made you happy. But then I'd leave you in the middle of the night, make sure I maintained what we had but gave you no indication of what a future with me might look like or move us any closer to that future. The fact is when I fell in love with you, another wonderful woman, I should have removed it then.

"You didn't push it perhaps because you had your own guilt to deal with. Plus you're not the type of person who'd make me do something I wasn't ready for. Maybe you thought us being together in a somewhat part time way was all you deserved from our relationship because of how it started. Or maybe because you only ever gave a small part of yourself away to every other man until me it didn't matter to you straight away."

He laughed softly. "Apart from when your patience ran out and you couldn't help yourself ask me for more."

Tears pricked at her eyes at his heartfelt words. "Jane, I always knew what the deal with you was. How much you were willing to give me. I accepted that. But when I did ask you for more you gave it to me. You were far from a terrible boyfriend. You need to realise that."

He shrugged, his expression disbelieving of her words. "A weekend away was nothing compared to what I should have had the guts to do before then." He waved his hand around the romantic environment they were sitting in. "I should have done all this with you back then too. Romantic dinners, walks in the park...whatever. Instead I blamed my fear of what Red John might do stop me from experiencing the joy of what being with you would actually have been like on a full time basis. I used him as an excuse so I didn't have to consider my own failings. Maybe if I'd committed to you more...if I'd shown you how serious I was about you then you'd have felt more able to be more honest with me too."

His impromptu and honest confession silenced her momentarily. She fiddled with the napkin while she gathered her thoughts as he took a large glug of water. "I don't know about any of that, Jane. You had a legitimate reason for being afraid. And, as for making a commitment to me back then... well I was so consumed with what you might do if I told you about your cure I may still have kept quiet. If you'd been more committed I might have felt there was even more to lose."

"Maybe. Or you might have felt more at ease and we'd have talked it through somehow. Guess we'll never know. But we can't change any of that now, in any case."

She glanced at his bare ring finger. "So...you should have taken it off for me, that's what you're saying?" she clarified.

"I should have taken it off for us, Teresa."

"But what's the point of making this gesture now? We're not together anymore, Jane."

He licked his lips and looked deep in her eyes, suddenly aware his heart was hammering in his chest. He grabbed hold of some bravery as he took a breath. "Is that how you want it to stay?"

A waiter approached and Lisbon breathed out, picking the first thing on the menu she saw, her mind no longer on food as her stomach performed a somersault after his question. Jane ordered quickly, glancing at her as he did so, obvious in his reading of her.

"You don't know," he told her as soon as the waiter had excused himself. "You don't know if you want this to be real again."

After his honesty she felt compelled to be just as truthful. "You're right. I don't know, Jane. There's been so much anger, hurt and so much pain on both sides. And you're not all that long back after being gone for so long. And now...with Red John back in our lives again...and this whole thing with Stiles...there are so many reasons why us being together for real is a bad idea."

He hid his deflation and nodded. "I understand. You're most probably right."

The rest of the dinner was spent in avoiding the subject again and they discussed cases and the approaching wedding to distract them from any awkwardness it had caused between them. By the time they arrived back at Lisbon's condo conversation had dwindled to a few words, however, and a heavy atmosphere was prevalent as Jane cut the engine. He suddenly felt like a teenager again, palms sweaty as he turned to her.

"Look, Lisbon, I'm sorry if I said too much earlier-"

"You didn't," she came back with quickly though the contemplation and trepidation in her eyes told him otherwise. "Thanks for dinner." She licked her lips nervously. "And for your honesty." Then she added quickly, "Would you like to come in?" Even in the moonlight he knew she was blushing as she stuttered, "For...for tea, I mean."

Before he had a chance to talk himself out of it or decipher any hidden meaning behind her words he answered. "Yes. Love to."

They walked to her front door with just the sound of a cat meowing nearby for company, the lightest sweep of his fingers on her lower back as she fumbled for the key in her purse. He saw the pulse point in her neck jump at his touch and his heart rate picked up in return as he stood at her side.

As soon as they were inside she took a few quick steps away from him and motioned to the living room they were standing in, making a gesture she needed to make a sweep. He nodded in understanding as both a rush of relief that he had a few moments alone to centre himself and a flood of disappointment that she hadn't bounded into his arms as soon as they were through the door coursed through his body.

"I'll make us some tea while you get those heels off," he said as she dashed off to check for listening devices. He exhaled slowly as he imagined she was doing, the tension between them intensified now they were alone.

He performed his perfunctory tea making ritual, hoping by doing so his heart rate would slow down but the rapid thumping against his chest told him otherwise. Unfortunately his biofeedback training also seemed to have malfunctioned. Maybe accepting her invitation had been a mistake. He was in danger of making a damn fool of himself if he stayed in her company for much longer. She'd given him the brush off, hadn't she?

But her words were ambiguous. Of course there were many reasons why they shouldn't be a couple again but there were many reasons before too and they'd still taken that leap. And he hadn't actually told her that he wanted them to be one again, only what he should have done when they were in a relationship before. As usual, clear communication between them was one of their biggest obstacles.

He stood opposite the stove in the kitchen, his eyes fixed to the gas flame under the kettle, concentrating on it solely to stop visions of green eyes and naked freckled skin swimming through his head.

"You look like you're deep in thought," she proposed as she leaned against the kitchen doorframe and watched him.

He turned towards her and raked his eyes over her body, smiling when he saw her still in her dress but barefoot. "Everything okay?"

She nodded, "Yeah, all clear. It's a pain in the ass checking every time I come home."

"Better that than him listening to every sound."

"I guess."

He turned back to the stove and turned the whistling kettle off. "I made peppermint, hope that's okay."

"Sure," she smiled, taking a step forward so she stood beside him.

He focused on pouring boiling water into the two mugs before dipping teabags into them. He saw her hand move to her cross from the corner of her eye and was somewhat relieved she was feeling the effects of the charge in the air between them too.

He turned his back to the counter and took a long sip of tea. "Teresa, I don't want to create any more tension between us. If it's easier to forget what I said earlier-"

"Why didn't you kiss me last night?" she asked as she moved to stand at the opposite side of the kitchen.

Her question came out of the blue and he frowned. "Sorry?"

She ran her tongue around her lips to moisten them. "When I left your place last night you barely kissed me. Then I thought...well I thought it was because you wanted us to keep this act up, to only kiss like that so we didn't get confused about what's real and what's not. But...but...if I deduced what you were trying to say earlier then...well then-"

As she struggled to get the words out he finished the thought for her. "Yes, you deduced correctly. I want us to get back together. For real. And no half measures this time."

Well, there it is out in the open he thought to himself as he took a large gulp of tea again before placing the mug on the counter, shoving his hands into his pockets and fortifying himself for her response.

"Why?"

"You need me to say it?" Instinctively he didn't think she was ready to hear or believe those three words from him again just yet.

He was proved right when she quickly shook her head. "Why now, though, all of a sudden?"

"It was hardly all of a sudden. Since I've come back we've become closer again, especially the last few days. Why tonight? Well, someone talked some sense into me today. Told me something I already knew, actually, but made me look at myself and face it head on."

"I see," she said quietly, dipping her head towards her mug as she drank from it. Then she placed the vessel on the counter behind her and approached him.

His breath hitched as she stood facing him. Not only his biofeedback but his reading skills had practically eluded him. He could only glean the question she asked earlier was still on her mind but nothing else. Certainly not her intentions. "I didn't kiss you properly last night because...well because I didn't want him to witness that. If he was watching us I didn't want him to see us like that. And I know that's supposed to be part of the act but...but he's already taken away so much from us, Teresa-"

Her mouth found his and his words turned into a low moan as he relished the feel of it against his own. He brought his hands up to her waist and kissed her back, slipping his tongue easily into her parted lips, putting all the emotion and desire he'd wanted to place into the kiss the night before into this one instead. As they continued he pulled her tighter against him as she leaned into his body, hanging her arms around his neck and playing with his hair, drawing his head closer to hers. They angled their heads so they could kiss each other deeper, soft moans of pleasure abating to a louder and more desperate need.

"Better than last night's effort?" he smiled as they drew apart for air, breathless and flushed.

She breathed, "This is probably still a really bad idea."

He captured her lips again. "No, it isn't."

She took a half step back and shook her head. "I'm still not sure, Jane. I'm...I'm afraid..."

He nodded and took a deep breath. It wasn't fear of Red John that was Lisbon's problem, of course; it was the fear of having her heart broken again. By him. Afraid of him upping sticks and leaving her alone again. There were no words he could think of to dispel her fear. But he was hopeful she could push through it or he never would have said those words to her. But she needed to work through her anxieties just as he had. So he asked her softly, "Do you want me to leave?"

She blinked for a few seconds then slowly shook her head. "No. But I can't promise you anymore than what happens between us tonight. Not yet."

He closed the gap between them and kissed her quickly before he smiled cheekily at her. "Then I'll take tonight."

She arched an eyebrow, "Oh, you will, will you?" she smiled.

He leaned down and placed soft kisses down her neck, his smile widening as she made little keening sounds as his lips brushed her skin. He whispered between kisses. "Allow...me to...finish...I'll take...tonight." He paused again as he kissed the pulse point on her neck. "For now."

His lips descended on hers again before she had a chance to reply, ensuring all coherent thoughts left her mind as he put his arms around her again and trailed his hands slowly over the soft fabric of her dress before running his fingers lazily over the cheeks of her derriere. She took his hand and led him towards the stairs, their progress impeded as they kept stopping to kiss on their way there. When they approached her couch he pulled her towards it instead, passion overtaking the comfort of a bed. They grinned and he flopped down on it before her as she hitched her dress up a few centimetres to straddle his lap. They became lost in kisses as his hands grasped her thighs and she began to unbutton his vest and shirt. His head rolled back against the back of the couch when her fingers made contact with his bare skin. Tiny fires erupted as her nails scratched his chest gently. He flung his head forward again and brought his lips towards hers again, more urgently and hungrily as he nipped at them. Her nails dug deeper, eliciting groans of gratification from both of them. She knew exactly how to turn him on, her small fingers experienced in finding that perfect threshold between pleasure and pain. Before she made him a quivering wreck he turned her body and brought her legs up to lie across him, one arm holding her in his arms. She adjusted her own position accordingly to sit on his lap and linked one hand around the base of his neck while the other began working on his belt as they continued kissing. He ran his free hand up the bare skin of her legs as he lowered her head to the armrest, pushing her hand away from his belt until it lay at the side of her head. He kissed her neck and cleavage as his fingers ascended.

M section – will let you know when it's over, sorry, it's a lengthy one for those who aren't fans

She panted and closed her eyes as she felt his fingers make contact with the apex of her thighs before he began to rub the soft cotton of her panties with his thumb. "Oh my god," she gasped as her breathing increased after only a few passes. He grinned; nuzzling her neck as he continued his sweet seduction below before he kissed the extremely sensitive spot at the back of her ear. She shuddered and gripped his hair as he increased the pressure with his thumb and quickened the pace. He kissed her earlobe and nibbled on it as he moved his hand beneath her cotton briefs, moaning gutturally as he felt her slickness. He continued to stimulate her, a finger joining his thumb as she became wetter still. He kissed her mouth again, his tongue joining hers in a torrid tango as he excited her further. Suddenly she yelled his name as her muscles spasmed around him, her orgasm hitting her like a freight train. He moved his hand to her rear and caressed it tenderly underneath her underwear and brought her head into the crook of his neck as she rode it out, kissing her perspiration gleaming cheek with small pecks. "God, I've missed hearing that sound," he whispered, kissing her forehead.

"I've missed making it," she replied, out of breath and wide eyed. He chuckled in return as she moved to straddle his hips again, pushing her hair from her face as she took a deep breath. His hands moved to the zipper of her dress and he pulled it down slowly as he watched her breathing even out. A second later he pulled it over her head and threw it on the floor behind them. His eyes glazed over as he saw her perfect little body once again, encased only in a black cotton bra and briefs. Teresa Lisbon never required expensive lingerie to look sexy as hell in his books. "You're beautiful," he whispered. "I never told you that enough." His voice cracked as his vision wandered over her freckles, right in front of him again and not in some of the tortuous dreams he had the past year.

He was so engrossed in watching her he only realised she had loosened his belt when he heard the zipper of his pants make a sound and saw her hands push them down to the top of his thighs. She smiled smugly as he looked down, her fingers already snaking their way inside his boxers. He took an intake of breath as she took hold of him and began her slow and teasing arousal while she kissed his neck and chest gently. His head rolled back again as his hands went back to her ass and began rocking her hips gently. As she started to grind against him he unclipped her bra, raising her head and kissing her lips passionately as he discarded it. His mouth found an erect nipple and he brushed it with a swipe of his tongue before his lips covered it, lapping it as she increased the motion of her hand. He ventured to the other breast, his mouth giving it the same treatment while his thumb ran over the previous wet peak.

Then she pushed him back against the couch suddenly and he stared at her, plump lipped and flushed, her irises dark green with want. But more than that, he saw the power she knew she had over him at this moment. She smirked and left his lap, getting down on her knees in front of him. He shook his head weakly at her intention and swallowed, his throat dry and his breathing increasingly ragged, unsure if he could maintain control after so long without her, unsure if he could last another minute before the need for her became too much. But he was more certain he was powerless to stop her take advantage of the dominance she held over him currently. She leaned forward and darted her tongue out, her eyes staring into his before she tasted him, slowly and with savour. His body jerked immediately and he grasped the seat cushion beneath him, digging his nails into it, inwardly begging his biofeedback to kick in. When she took him into her mouth his eyes rolled back in his head until he closed them, the image in front of him too sensuous for him to bear. Gradually he found some strength as she expertly worked him and he opened his eyes again, licking his lips and meeting her eyes as she continued. She grinned wickedly and he shook his head at her but she merely grinned again before drawing him in deeper.

"God, Teresa," he whispered, his eyes on stalks as she increased the pace. The blood was coursing through his veins like a high speed locomotive and before it derailed him entirely he took hold of her shoulders to dislodge her mouth. She licked her swollen lips and he pounced on them with his own, his hands travelling to her face where he kissed her without restraint as he held her cheeks in his hands. Her arms whipped around his neck as he tore off his shirt and vest before pulling her closer again and she kissed him back with ferocity as soon as they were skin to skin. Then they were on the floor, Jane hovering over her as he rained kisses on her face, her neck, her collarbone, her breasts, and her stomach as he kicked off his socks and shoes and rid himself of his pants and underwear. She moaned as he crawled lower on her body, pushing the coffee table out of the way to create space. A lamp on the table beside it toppled over behind him and he glanced back quickly before shrugging and continuing as he kissed her navel as his fingers danced over her breasts. Lisbon barely registered the sound it made as she clasped her hand over her face and panted. He arrived at the band of her panties and stopped, lingered, grinned at her until she looked at him. When she did she nodded in return with a knowing smile, recognising it was her turn to be driven crazy now. He quickly pulled off her panties with one hand before he raised her hips and breathed in her aroma, the sweetest perfume he could imagine. Soon she was writhing against his mouth as his tongue toyed with her briefly before she jerked her head up from the carpet and her hand shot out to her side to steady herself. Inadvertently she caught the floor lamp to her right and knocked it over with a loud thud as she came again.

"Now we're even," Jane chuckled as the noise beside her startled her from her unrestrained elation.

She laughed and he soon was beside her again as they kissed and held each other, their passion slowing down as they regained their breaths. He kissed her softly and looked deep in her eyes as he ran a finger down her cheek in adoration. She nodded, blinking a couple of tears away as she pulled him to cover her body with his. They kissed deeply and slowly and she nodded again as he centred himself over her. One final gentle kiss and he was inside her. Neither moved for a split second as they relished the feel of each other again as they stared into each other's eyes. She pulled her legs up around his hips to encourage him and he pushed deeper, their eyes closing simultaneously before they found a slow rhythm. They kissed gently and delicately as they moved together, both afraid it would be over too soon if they allowed their passion to run away with them too quickly. "I'm so sorry I hurt you," he whispered in her ear, his voice breaking.

"I know," she breathed, her hands squeezing his biceps. "I'm sorry too."

"It's forgotten." He kissed her bare shoulder, the bullet mark inflicted by O'Laughin. He wound his arms around her, holding her tighter, fear of losing her again taking hold of him briefly. In turn she did likewise, not knowing what the future may hold for both of them and wanting this beautiful moment between them to last as long as they could make it.

After a few minutes their willpower slipped and their movements sped up, Lisbon pushing Jane onto his back as she took control once more, increasing the pace again as he held onto her waist, their gentle kisses becoming passionate and hungry again. As he felt her near her climax he flipped her onto her back again and thrusted into her with abandon, stimulating her core as a thick film of sweat covered his body. Lisbon clasped his damp locks as she rocked with him in this final frenzy until they both found their release together with a loud roar of satisfaction.

M section end

Jane shifted his weight off her and lay nuzzled against her shoulder as they both regained their breaths.

"Wow," he said as he shook his head.

"Definitely wow," Lisbon agreed at his side, shaking hers.

He raised his head slightly, glancing around the living room. The coffee table was lodged against a chair, two lamps had fallen over and an array of clothing scattered the space around them. "Did we just have an earthquake?" he chuckled.

Lisbon giggled, "More like three of them, I'd say."

He laughed and kissed her shoulder, his left hand lying across her stomach. She ghosted her fingers over the indentation left by his ring.

"Must feel strange, not wearing it?" she asked softly.

He took hold of her hand and snuggled into the nook of her neck. "Well, I'll have to adapt some of my magic and card tricks certainly. Weight is different now, you see-"

"Jane," she said, "stop kidding around. Tell me."

He kissed her neck gently, smiling as felt her pulse quicken in the hand he held. Quietly, "Feels a little strange, of course. But not as strange as I thought it might. Turns out it was just a ring, not an object with some kind of mystical power over me. Removing it actually makes me feel...stronger, more courageous."

"More courageous?"

He raised himself up on an elbow to look at her face. He smiled softly at it, rivulets of perspiration on her forehead, her cheeks roaring red from her exertions, her hair a tangled mess around her head and her lips deep burgundy and inflated. Her green eyes shone back at him, full of vitality and the after glow of sex. He kissed her gently, hardly believing his luck the night had ended like this.

"I told you what I wanted this evening. I think removing it gave me the courage to voice that."

Then he saw her expression turn worrisome, a slight crease appearing between her eyes. "It's okay, Lisbon," he said to her, "I heard you earlier. I understand your reticence in making this something more permanent presently. Just because I removed my ring it doesn't mean I expect anything from you in return. It's staying off no matter what happens between us. Angela was my past. And I...I hope you'll be my future but I'm not naive enough to think that some mind-blowing sex is going to make you suddenly want to take me back into your heart."

"You say that like you ever left it in the first place," she smiled, widening when she saw his face light up at her words. Then she took a long breath. "But, yes, I'm wary. I'm not saying I don't want a future with you, just..."

"I told you, it's fine. Stop stressing about it, Teresa. But...you don't regret what just happened, do you?"

She shook her head emphatically. "Of course not. But...making me feel that way again probably isn't going to help me keep my distance either I have to admit," she laughed.

"Good," he grinned, pecking her lips. More serious, "You know this is exactly what I was afraid of when I came back. This very scenario."

"Sex on the living room floor?" she teased.

"No, just sex in general," he smiled. "As soon as I saw you again I had to reinforce myself to fight against this happening between us. When you walked into that interrogation room-"

"You treated me like something you'd trodden in."

He nodded, "Had to. Otherwise you'd have seen right through me. I knew as soon as we became friends I'd want this again."

"You said you were still mad at me back then."

"I was but...that doesn't mean I wasn't incredibly attracted to you at the same time."

She rolled her eyes. "You're a complicated man, Patrick Jane."

"And you're not complicated?"

She laughed and so did he for a few seconds.

"Is it okay if I stay over?" he asked when it died down.

"All night?"

"If that would be acceptable to you, then yes, all night."

A smile crept up on her lips. "You really are becoming brave. Okay, then. But I still hog most of the bed."

He grinned and kissed her quickly. "Let's go to bed. I'm shattered."

As they moved from the floor, Jane groaned as he did so followed by exclaiming a loud, "Ow!"

"What is it? You lie on a piece of the lamp?" she smirked.

"No," he said, rubbing his backside. "Damn carpet burns on my ass. You forgot we weren't in a bed, woman!"

"I didn't hear you complain at the time," she laughed as she pulled the throw from the couch around her for warmth as she picked up her underwear. "Quite the opposite, in fact."

He straightened out the coffee table and tried to find his boxers as Lisbon's cell sounded from the purse on her dining table.

"No," he whined as he turned the floor lamp upright and checked the time. "Not a case. I was looking forward to that bed."

Glancing at the broken lamp on the floor beside the table he shook his head. "This one's totalled, I'm afraid."

"You owe me a lamp then," she said as she rushed to grab her phone.

He answered assuredly, "A broken lamp was well worth it and you know it. I should be charging you for the privilege of my attention."

She reached into her purse as her cheeks reddened at his words. She could hardly refute them but damned if she'd give him the confirmation he was seeking.

"It's Cho," she shrugged. "Normally despatch or Wainwright calls with a new case."

"Maybe he's drunk dialling you from the bachelor party," Jane sniggered.

"Cho, drunk? Well that would be something I'd pay to see," she grinned.

"Hey Cho," she said cheerfully. "What's up?"

As Jane pulled on his boxer shorts he saw her stumble into a seat at the table. Listening to her side of the conversation his blood, red hot just moments before, suddenly ran cold.

She closed her eyes and took a sudden intake of breath. Weakly, "Oh my god. No...oh god no...When did this happen, Kimball?"

She glanced at Jane quickly, "Okay. No...He's...he's here with me. No, let Wainwright take care of that. You stay with Rigsby. He needs you more right now. We'll be there straight away."

She put her phone down next to the vase of white flowers and held a shaky hand to her forehead, her eyes following him as he approached her. She began to shake her head as tears threatened.

"What happened to Grace, Teresa?" he asked her as his breathing increased, fear taking hold of him.

"You know what happened to her, Jane," she replied almost robotically, the need to shut down her emotions taking over before they ruled her and made her incapable of speech. "Red John, of course."

A/N: Okay...two apologies. First, yes, another cliffhanger but come on, who wouldn't have done the same thing at this point? Hope you forgive me and keep reading.

Secondly, sorry to all those readers who don't enjoy/are tired of M scenes (I know the feeling, believe me, I get tired writing them sometimes too!) But I have been asked increasingly lately by those who do like them to add another one to this story and this seemed the right juncture to do so. It won't be a recurrent theme, though. Too much of the story still to be told to add them as a regular feature.

But there will be some more fluffy moments ahead without the M for those who enjoy that kind of thing.

But coming up next...more angst and drama...it's pretty heavy going by my standards. Buckle up!