4/2/09

I knew it wasn't going to be easy to tell Charlotte we were over after the year we'd had, but it was something that had to be done in order to start my new life with Clarisse...again. I wanted to tell her before she found out from someone else, but when I returned home the afternoon after Clarisse and I got back together, I was greeted with a painful slap across the face, "Where the fuck have you been?"

I put my hand to my lip and realised Charlotte had drawn blood, so I wiped it on my jacket and hung my head in shame. Next she clipped me across the ear, "And what's this I hear about you leaving the party with the woman you told me you never wanted to see again?"

I looked at her with saddened eyes, "Who told you that?"

"It's all over the news, repeated every two minutes," she screamed, pointing at the TV.

And she was right, there were images of Clarisse and I leaving the party together and a question hovering, 'Rekindled romance?'

Shit, the media got to her before I could.

My eyes shifted from the TV to my wonderful daughter lying in front of it, kicking her legs and making baby noises. I smiled and picked her up, holding her close to my heart and kissing her tiny little forehead.

"What's going on, Joseph?"

"Clarisse and I are back together," I said, not acting as happy as I was feeling.

Charlotte looked positively hurt, "Is that where you were last night? With the woman you vowed you'd never fall for again?"

"I lied and I'm sorry. But it's always been her, surely you knew that?"

"So what, now you're going to cast me aside? You've had your fun with the younger woman, now I'm no longer useful you're going back to her? No wonder you never asked me to marry you, asshole!"

I looked up at her in disbelief, "Did you want to get married?"

"Of course I did. Not just because of Jessica, but because I thought we had something special. You told me just yesterday morning that you loved me and now it's all about Clarisse! Does it thrill you, changing women so frequently?"

"That's not what this is about. Look I'm sorry, but I've loved Clarisse for almost as long as you've been alive and nothing you can do can change that. We're destined to be together. This," I pointed back and forth between us, "This was never going to work."

"It was working until Queen Clarisse waved her magic wand and drew you back to her."

Shaking my head, I held Jessica closer and pressed my cheek to hers.

"You're not taking Jessie, she stays with me. You can still see her, but I am not going to pretend this didn't happen."

Nodding, I wiped my eyes and put Jess back on the floor, "I wouldn't dream of separating our child from her mother."

"Can't believe you're walking out on me - on us!"

"You think this is easy for me?" I sort of shouted, sobbed.

"Everything was fine before we went to that party."

"Everything was not fine! I've been miserable ever since Clarisse kicked us out and I have never stopped thinking about how much I wanted to be back there with her. Now she's finally giving me a chance to redeem myself and I'm going to take it."

"Well then," Charlotte glared at me, "You'd better get your stuff then, or maybe you could just get your sugar momma to buy you new stuff."

Shaking my head, I walked to the bedroom and gathered a handful of my possessions. There wasn't really anything I needed from there, Clarisse had kept all my stuff. The only thing I had that was of any value was a photo of my daughter when she was first born. When I came back into the lounge, Charlotte had her back turned and was sniffling, "What am I going to do now? The whole country hates me, I've got no money, no way to support my daughter. You're going to be living it up while I'm stuck in the slum."

Placing a gentle hand on her shoulder I spoke in a low voice, "I'll help you out whenever I can."

"Who do I turn to for moral support? Who's going to hold me and tell me everything will be alright?"

That I couldn't answer and suddenly I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt, "Charlotte, I'm so sorry."

"Just go," she wiped a tear from her eye.

Taking one last look at Jess, I walked out and closed the door behind me, lingering for a moment before getting into my old car.

I've been feeling depressed about this all day, I thought it would be a little easier to walk away, but it's not. Clarisse seems happy though, she's throwing a party to celebrate us being reunited and inviting almost everyone we know. But I feel so bad for Charlotte, nobody in the entire country wants anything to do with her and now she probably thinks I don't want to have anything to do with her either. But if you think about it, it's her own fault in a way for getting involved with a married man. She knew I was madly in love with Clarisse, but she fell for me anyway. Great, now I'm making it sound like she brought this on herself, but it was my fault too. I'll have to find a way to support her without Clarisse knowing, but that means sneaking around again, which means if I get caught having anything to do with Charlotte again...well let's just say Clarisse would have to have pretty low self esteem to take me back a second time.

Well, I suppose I'd better do something to get my mind off this, how about I think about the pain I'm suffering in my buttocks region from where my ex-wife just branded me the other day? No, I try not to think about the name 'Clarisse' being burnt into my skin. She's lucky I'm trying to make up with her otherwise I'd have smacked her right across the face.

Wait a minute, wasn't I trying to think of happy things? Hmm...perhaps if I put some romantic music on and dim the lights Clarisse might want to make love to me. Now there's a pleasant thought.

6/2/09

Mia called at the house today, I stumbled upon her in the kitchen as she daringly ate a piece of carrot cake Clarisse made this morning, "Mia, I didn't know you were here."

She stared at me with raised eyebrows and smiled, "I didn't know you were here either. Does this mean the rumours are true? You're back with grandma?"

"We're sorting through our problems," I lied, "To what do we owe this pleasure anyway?"

"Oh," she tried to swallow the piece of cake and talk to me at the same time, "I just came over to visit grandma, but...I guess I got the double prize cos you're here, too."

Smiling politely, I opened the fridge and pulled out some milk for the tea I was about to make, "You know your grandmother made that," I pointed to the cake.

I thought she would have spat it out, but instead she mumbled, "Really? But it tastes great."

"It does?" I stared in confusion, "I only pretended to eat it to keep her happy."

Mia grinned and excused herself, so I was left alone. I thought I was imagining it at the time, but she seemed a little eager to not be near me. So I made my tea and took it out to the garden where I could hear Mia and Clarisse chatting. Before I made them aware of my presence, I watched from behind this shrub I planted when we first moved in and she wasn't saying very nice things about me.

"-for only five minutes and he's moved back in already? What is wrong with you grandma? How could you let him weasel his way back into your life after what he did to you?"

"He did no such weaselling, I invited him back."

"If Nicholas ever cheated on me, there's no way I would ever take him back. Infidelity is the main cause of people breaking up and I always wonder, how could a person take back their unfaithful partner? It just doesn't make sense."

"Mia," Clarisse said, obviously not caring for Mia's opinion at all, "When you get to my age you realise some things. One, there aren't as many fish in the sea as there used to be and two, once you start loving a man it's impossible to stop. No matter how much heartache they cause you, you can't live life without them."

"But doesn't it bother you that he left you for a much younger woman?"

Momentarily silent, Clarisse stared into her empty cup of tea, "Yes, it does bother me. But I've had many months to get over it and now...now I feel there must have been a reason why it happened..."

"Yeah," Mia sounded smart-alecky, "Because Joseph couldn't keep Joseph Junior in his pants."

"No! It happened to show me how much better life was with him around and I'm sorry if it upsets you, but I love Joseph regardless of what anyone else says."

"But now he's going to think you're a doormat and walk all over you!"

"I think he's learnt his lesson," Clarisse smiled, looking at me through the bushes, "And if he knows what's good for him, he won't do it again."

Shaking my head discreetly, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and noticed Charlotte had sent me a text message. I ducked back inside to read it privately, it said, "fuckign dumbshti cuhntfcae asholke mohterfuckre!"

I quickly deleted it and noticed she'd sent another sixteen messages. Assuming they were all the same I deleted them, then I noticed a text from my first wife, Lauren. Funny, I didn't even know she had my number. Perhaps she got it off Sammy? Anyway it said, "You are one VERY lucky man – Lauren."

Yes I am.

Sliding the phone back into my pocket, I walked back outside with my tea and asked to join the ladies.

Mia started acting all innocent when I sat down, as if she hadn't just been bagging me. The conversation was pleasant, but when Mia got up to go to the bathroom, I was left alone with Clarisse. Rising from my chair I walked to where she was sitting and placed my hands on her shoulders massaging them gently as she leant back against me.

"I hope you're not having second thoughts about us, my dear."

Looking up at me, she smiled, "Her thoughts are no different from anybody else's. I can't think of a single person who's happy for the two of us to be back together."

I thought for a moment, then kissed her hair, "Well I am."

"That makes two of us."

"Now all we have to do is convince the rest of the nation this is a good idea."

"We'll do nothing of the sort," she smiled and touched my face. I love it when she touches my face, it's as if all my troubles fade when she touches my face, "Because I could care less."

I must admit I'm a little concerned about Clarisse's attitude towards our relationship, on one hand, I love how she doesn't care about what other people think anymore, but on the other hand I feel she should care just a little. I know I'm not happy with the fact that everybody thinks I'm using her and I'm sure deep down it bothers her, too. But what can you do?

11/02/09

It's nice waking up in my old house, I love lying in bed after we've made love in it, gazing up at the patterns on the ceiling with my woman in my arms knowing nothing can spoil the day. Then she goes out shopping and you realise you've slept longer than you expected, then you go to the bathroom to brush your teeth and realise you can't find your toothbrush and all hell breaks loose. Perhaps I should explain.

I took a shower, wrapped a towel around myself and went to the sink. Now normally Clarisse uses a toothbrush once and then throws it out, even though I keep telling her they can be used for up to three months. Yet still, she insists on throwing mine in the bin as well after I've used it. So I started my toothbrush hunt. I looked in the spot where she usually keeps the toothbrushes, but there weren't any there, so I searched the whole cupboard and found nothing. Then I tried looking under the sink, and I looked in every canister I could find and every little box that was under there. In one of the boxes I found a shiny golden key and wondered what it was for. It looked old styled, but was brand new. I took the key from the box and put it on the side of the sink, then brushed my teeth with some paste and my finger - something that would give Clarisse a heart attack if she saw me doing it. Afterwards I looked around for a keyhole, but didn't find one right away. Then with my expert training, I opened the cabinet door and felt around the inside until I found a little golden piece of metal attached to the back of the shelf. I tried to pry it open with one of Clarisse's nail files, but had no luck, then I touched it some more and realised it slid open sideways. By now I was immensely intrigued with this mysterious keyhole, I had a hunch about what was being hidden behind it, but I prayed I was wrong. So Immediately I tried the key, but the hole was too small and it wouldn't fit. I groaned, thinking there must be some other key I have to find, but as I twisted the key in my hand, the end of it came off, revealing the real key. I quickly shoved it into the hole until it clicked, but then I became unsure of how to open it. I tried pushing the opposite end of the shelf, but soon realised it wasn't the shelf, but the whole cabinet which swung open.

I must admit I was taken back by how many tiny bottles were in that cabinet. They were all clearly labelled, but they were substances I've never heard of before. Either that or their names were simplified. They said things like Happiness, Remembrance, Forget, Queasiness, Diet, Energetic, Excitement...in fact any emotion you could name, she had a pill for. But I can't be certain that they all do what they say, they could be experimental drugs or just somebody trying to scam her and doing a good job of it. Anyway, at the very bottom in a large gold box was about 2 pounds of marijuana - a Chester special, no doubt. Now if all of this wasn't shocking enough, I find a case with syringes and brown powder in it. At that point I felt disappointed, hoping to god it was her former best friend's supply of heroin and not hers. It ate at me all day thinking: is this the only reason that she took me back? Because she's had her mind warped? I can't exactly ask her directly like I would have done back in the day, because I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells and if I lose her AGAIN I'm pretty much fucked. I know Charlotte wouldn't take me back now even if I begged her. I'd be out on my ass! So I'll just have to take it one day at a time and suss her out in a subtle way.

So when she came home, I gave her a kiss and carried on like I hadn't found her secret cabinet of drugs. I'd taken the liberty of hiding the key in a different box in the cupboard, so if she seems a little on edge during the night, I can confirm my fears.

12/2/09

Clarisse didn't seem to be edgy or anything this morning. I was half expecting her to be scratching the walls and pulling out her hair. But she was fine, so my fears eased off for a while. Until I caught her yelling at a cake, but then I realised she was upset with it because it was making her fat. Women...

I spent my whole day observing her, then eventually she caught on and asked, "Is there a reason you've been staring at me all day?"

And I responded stupidly with, "You're just so beautiful I can't look away."

She looked like she was about to slap me, but she didn't, instead she turned away and lit a cigarette. She smokes about a pack a day now, apparently this started when I left...same as her drinking a bottle of wine with dinner. She'd better be careful or her health could rapidly deteriorate just like that.

17/2/09

Well I'm almost certain the drugs aren't hers. It's been almost a week and she seems fine, so I'm thinking I should just leave things be and not jeopardize our relationship by mentioning the secret compartment in the cupboard to her. I just know it would end in tears.

18/2/09

Something wonderful happened today, Charlotte phoned and said Jessica was coming to stay for a while. I must admit I was a little reluctant to answer the phone when I saw who was calling, but Clarisse wasn't around, so I took the call. And she said she needed some time away from baby and could she borrow a few thousand dollars, so naturally I said yes and wired her some money. I don't want her to pay it back, after all she is raising my child. I'm over the moon because Charlotte asked if I could have Jess for a whole week.

I wasn't entirely sure how Clarisse would react to this, I thought she might be upset or angry about the fact that Charlotte had made contact, but when I told her she was more than happy to have her here. She said she'd love to have a little baby in the house, she's even set up a room for her right next to ours and bought a baby monitor so we can rush to her side when she needs care. We're really looking forward to this. My little girl visits for the first time on Friday.