20/2/09

Well my wonderful daughter is here for her week-long visit. Charlotte dropped her off this morning after Clarisse left to go shopping and almost as soon as she handed her to me, she started crying. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a baby crying. From the moment she placed her in my arms, it's as if Jess knew she were being separated from her mother. I tried for ten minutes to calm her down, but nothing would help. Then I went through the bag Charlotte left with us and found a pacifier to stick in her mouth. Then there was silence and I sighed with relief. Until she spat it out and started up again.

My face was red and I almost couldn't take it anymore, then Morris - the butler - came into the room and gently took her from my arms. I don't really like Morris, but I trusted he knew what he was doing, so I watched him play with Jess and within a minute, she had stopped crying.

"How did you do that?" I asked.

He looked at me with a raised eyebrow and said in his low voice, "Believe it or not, sir, I used to be a nanny."

I nearly giggled when he used the word 'nanny', but I kept it to myself and realised I don't know a thing about this man I share a house with.

"Well thankyou," I said gratefully, holding out my arms for him to give her back to me. I held her and she looked at me smiling, when I made funny faces, she laughed.

Morris touched her nose and walked away, so I took her to the lounge to watch tv. An hour later Clarisse came home and greeted us, she was so happy to see the baby. She picked her up and did the sort of thing women do with babies - kisses, hugs, bouncing her on her knee, raspberries etc. Then she stopped and marvelled at how tiny her hands were and started talking to me about how she would have loved to have more children.

Things went sour as she suggested, "We should get custody."

And I replied with a firm, "NO."

Then she said, "It would bring me joy."

Then I again replied, "No."

Then she asked, "Give me one reason why we can't have this adorable little girl live with us?"

And I said, "Charlotte," which is a word I'm usually very cautious of using around Clarisse, but in this case I had no choice.

Clarisse responded with a sour face and continued talking to the baby, "I'd make a good Mummy, wouldn't I? Much better than your snake of a mother."

I don't like it when she calls Charlotte names. Sure she did the wrong thing by becoming involved with a married man, but time heals and life goes on. I nearly hit Clarisse once when she called Charlotte a whore, but I let it slide and added it to my list of annoying things I have to put up with if I want to remain living in this house.

"Clarisse," I interrupted her baby talk, "We're too old to raise a child. I thought my retirement was going to be spent mowing lawns, doing the gardening, going out for lunch on Sundays. Not raising a baby."

"Well you should have thought of that," she started bitterly before softening up, "before I fell in love with this beautiful young lady."

"What about when she starts walking? Then running? Are you going to chase her up the stairs? Are you going to get up in time to stop her knocking over your priceless vase?"

I don't even know why I continued arguing with her when I knew we weren't going to keep Jess, but I persisted. Then she wouldn't speak to me for the remainder of the day. Oh well.

27/02/09

How the week has gone by. Clarisse and I had a wonderful time with Jess, we took her to the park and fed the ducks in the pond, had lunch there. It was great until I noticed all the disapproving stares we were receiving from everyone who hates me and my child. It's strange, but Clarisse doesn't seem to care what they think at all. It sure bothers me that they wish bad things for my daughter and I. I guess being in the security department for so long made me more than aware of my surroundings and I can't turn my back on people who have their eyes on us.

Other than that, it was a delightful week, until Charlotte came back last night, with some big news.

She came to our door shortly after 6pm and Clarisse made herself scarce. Knowing Charlotte was on our property was hard enough, but seeing her in person was not even something she would consider.

It was a cool evening, so I invited Charlotte in to the entrance hall and stared at her for a while. I could tell she wanted to say something, but I didn't know what. She shivered slightly as she stood there in her overcoat, a result of the transition from being cold outside to warm in the house. I led her to this sort of waiting area we have to the side of the hall, and I sat her down, then took a seat across from her.

"How was your time away?" I asked politely.

She avoided eye-contact, then fiddled with her hands, "It was good...um...where's Jess?"

I stuttered for some reason, then said, "Oh uh, Clarisse just wanted some time with her to say goodbye until next time."

Charlotte's face fell and she stared at her hands, "Umm, I actually wanted to talk to you about that."

Frowning, I was thinking, 'Oh shit, I hope she's not going to ask me to take the baby.'

But it was worse than that, "Go on," I softened my face.

"I just got back from visiting my mom and well...I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life and where it's going."

I grew curious - Charlotte's mom lives in Ohio - that means she's been out of the country.

"I've been thinking about the future and I don't see a future here in Genovia for myself or Jessica."

"What?" I gasped.

"We're going to live with mom."

"But she lives in Ohio," I said sadly, "you're going to take my daughter away?"

"We can't stay here anymore. I have no job, no friends, no money. Our daughter has been the butt of every joke fashioned here since before she was born. I don't want her to be the child nobody wants their kids to play with. I want her to go to school and not be teased by the children whose parents think she's the spawn of satan. I don't want her to have to eat lunch all by herself. I want to be able to walk across the street and not have cars speed up when they see me. I want my life back and I'm not going to find it here."

"But I thought things were getting better?"

"I was nearly run over last month walking on the sidewalk. Do you have any idea how that feels? What if next time they hit me? What if they hit Jess?"

I had nothing to say to that, Charlotte made a good point, it is something she would have had to deal with if she kept on living here.

"You can visit her whenever you want."

"That's going to be a bit hard when you're living in the US."

"Please don't make this hard on me, I just want to do what's right for Jess. She'll thank me one day, just you wait."

I shuddered, knowing that the day that happens, I'll be long gone.

Charlotte continued talking about how bad it was over here for her and I listened to every word, even cried at one point. Then when she had finally told me the last of her troubles, she asked for my blessing. And I reluctantly gave it to her.

We sat in silence until Morris appeared at the door with Jessica, who looked very happy to see her mommy. Charlotte took her from his arms and hugged her, commenting on how big she'd gotten. I cried again when I thought about everything I'll be missing out on. Her first words (other than da and goo), her first steps, first day of school. I thought I had finally being given a chance to be there for my child, but like my other two children, I'm going to miss it all again.

Charlotte told me I would need to sign forms to let Jess out of the country, then she patted my shoulder and left.

For a brief moment I wanted to chase after her, beg her to change her mind. But after hearing her story, I just sat there and cried.

Clarisse came down when she was sure Charlotte had left, and noticing I had my head in my hands, started rubbing my back, "What did she say?"

"She's taking Jess to America. They're not coming back."

Clarisse's hand dropped to her side, "Really? Are you alright?"

"No," I sobbed.

"This is why you need to fight for her, she can't go anywhere without your say so."

"I already said yes."

"Oh."

I'm certain she was angry at that point, but she continued rubbing my back. After a while I was tired from crying, so we spent a good couple of hours in bed holding each other, kissing, and napping. I'm not overjoyed that Charlotte is taking my daughter away from me, but I know it's for the best and I'll still get to see her whenever I happen to be in America. Clarisse said she's happy to pay someone to accompany Jess to Genovia for visits during the holidays, which I thought was a nice gesture. I am going to miss my daughter more than anything. As soon as something good happens to me, something bad always follows close behind. It's a shame because I wanted to be there for all those things I never had a chance to do before, but fate has a way of biting me in the ass and its doing a pretty good job of it this time.

4/3/09

I met up with Charlotte for lunch this afternoon to sign the papers. It was hard to do, especially when I had trouble remembering how to sign my name. She said she'd leave come april and that I could have Jess until then. I'm going to take her to the zoo, and the park and the palace, and I'm going to take lots of photos of the two of us and send them to her when they get settled at Charlotte's mom's house, so she won't forget her daddy loves her. I'm going to savour every moment I have left with her before she heads off to her new life, then I think I'll cry for a few months and eventually start my retirement.

Charlotte and I went for a walk afterwards and discussed everything that had happened to make our lives turn to shit. We laughed about the times we went out boating, we resented Clarisse for forcing us to live in a car for months, we smiled about the joy our daughter brought us, then were saddened by what was to come.

"I'm sorry for everything," I said to her, though she already knew.

"Me too," she replied, with a tear in her eye. I wanted to hug her, but I said to myself, 'No' because you never know when some asshole's pointing a camera in your direction.

We parted ways and she promised to keep in touch.

2/4/09

I never thought it would come this quick, but it has and I'm more upset than I thought I would be.

Clarisse and I had Jess for the entire 3 weeks before she and Charlotte set off for their new lives. Every morning I would wake up, go to the kitchen and find Clarisse feeding her. I would kiss Jess on the forehead, then kiss Clarisse on the lips, before I sat down to eat. Afterwards we would take her for a stroll around our block and point out all the interesting trees and flowers. Clarisse would draw her attention to the birds in the trees and the woodland creatures that built homes in the fallen logs.

I carried the camera everywhere for the last few weeks, just incase I wanted to capture a special moment. I also took a lot of videos of my daughter doing things that babies do like making mess, rolling around on the floor, eating and making more mess. A couple of times we took Jess to the zoo, she wasn't overly interested, being a baby and all, but it was something I had never done - taken my child to the zoo. Sam and Maggie were too old to be taken on an outing to the zoo when I finally met them, so I'm rather grateful I had the opportunity to do so with Jess.

We also took her to the park every second day, she helped me feed the ducks, she crawled around in the grass and on one occasion, ate a ladybug. Clarisse was distressed about this, so she picked her up and tried to get her to spit it out, but she had swallowed it already.

Once I tried sitting Jess on my knee so we could go down the slide together, but I decided at my age, it wasn't the wisest decision, so I remained on the park bench while Clarisse gave it a go. It was then that she realised all the chocolates she's been stuffing her face with in some lame effort to quit smoking, had enlarged her backside and as a result, she couldn't fit in the slide. She spent the rest of the afternoon telling me she needed to go on a diet...

Most evenings, Jess would crawl around the floor looking for bits of fluff to stick in her mouth, which was nearly impossible to find in our frequently cleaned carpet, but she always managed to find something to eat...and spit back out on the carpet. We'd send her to bed with plenty of kisses, we'd watch her sleep and wonder what she was dreaming about.

Then came last night. I knew it was the last time I'd be able to kiss her goodnight, so I stayed with her a long, long time. I told Charlotte I would drive them to the airport - it was Clarisse's suggestion, strangely. She wanted me to take the opportunity to see Jess off, so I did.

This morning I woke up at 7am - earlier than Clarisse for once - and carried Jess around outside for a while. I then fed her breakfast, got her little bag ready and then waited. Clarisse was up at nine, but she didn't show her face until I was about to leave to pick up Charlotte. She came into the lounge, gave Jess a long kiss and a hug, then walked outside to put her in her car seat. She gave Jess another kiss and took some photos, then came to me as I was about to hop in the car and threw her hands around my neck.

"Drive safely, you're carrying precious cargo. I'll see you when you get back," she said sweetly, but with a look on her face that told me, 'don't you dare touch that woman' .

Clarisse kissed my cheek and placed a large envelope in my hand, "Would you please give this to Charlotte? I think it goes without saying that I don't want you to open it."

She slapped my cheek as a warning, then waited on the steps with a cheeky grin on her face. I smiled and got in the car, placing the envelope on the seat. As I drove out of the drive, I saw Morris staring from the kitchen window. He was crying and blowing his nose into a handkerchief. I'm sure he was going to miss my daughter too. Shaking my head I went out the gates and up the road a bit, then I stopped.

I had already decided as soon as Clarisse handed it to me, that I was going to open the envelope. In my defence, I felt that since once upon a time or two Clarisse had read my journal, I had a right to violate her privacy. Anyway, the suspense of what was in it was killing me. My first thought was that it was a letterbomb, but I thought Clarisse isn't crude enough to do something like that...right?

My second thought was that it was a letter of bitchyness designed to aggravate Charlotte before she got to America.

My third third thought was, 'Now how am I going to get this open without it looking like I've opened it?' So I thought for a moment, came up with no plan, and then decided to rip it open while holding it outside the window incase it was a bomb and exploded. But it wasn't. In the envelope was a letter, a small box and some photos of me and Jess. I first looked at the photos and smiled, my favourite one was a photo of Jess and I sharing a park bench. It was sweet and I wanted to keep it, but I put it back. I opened the box and took out the locket that was in there, I held it up in the air and studied it. It was a brand new silver chain with the Genovian crest on it. Jess' name was engraved on the back, as well as her birthday - it was beautiful. After placing it gently back in the box, I opened the letter, which was brief, yet polite. It read, 'Please accept this as a gift to the wonderful little girl who has brought us so much joy.'

I noticed a piece of paper had fallen out when I opened the letter, so I picked it up and realised it was a cheque for a very generous amount. I wasn't sure if Charlotte would accept it, but I put it back anyway. Then I noticed a second page behind the letter, so I read that as well. It turned out to be a reference, detailing how efficient and hard working Charlotte is. I thought wow. Clarisse is making amends of her own free will by forgiving the woman who stole her husband. It's not like the Clarisse I'm used to, but hell, it works for me.

I carefully slid the contents back into the envelope and put it back on the seat, I then pulled out onto the highway and continued on the way to pick up Charlotte. When we arrived, she placed her luggage in the boot and opened the back door to kiss Jess before hopping in the front. She shifted uncomfortably, then dug out the envelope she had just sat on, Clarisse had written Charlotte's name on it, so she couldn't help but ask, "What's this?"

"Well it's not a letterbomb, as I originally thought," I attempted a joke, "Nor is it poisoned."

"Clarisse's writing," she mumbled, as I started driving.

"Yeah," I replied, "Some things she wanted Jess to have."

First she looked at the locket and raised an eyebrow, "Is she trying to buy Jessie's affection?"

"She's fallen in love with her. Jess is the daughter she always wanted."

"My god," Charlotte gasped as she looked at the cheque, "She IS trying to buy her affections."

Shaking my head, I looked at her, "So I gather you won't accept it?"

"I'm not denying this to Jess because I have differences with her stepmother," she replied, smiling behind her cool facade.

Next she picked up the referral and held her hand on her chest, the smile replace by a look of gratitude, not that she'd ever say it. After that she looked at the photos, probably fixating on how much more I look like a great grandfather to Jess than a dad.

Spotting a tear run down her cheek, I asked, "You alright?"

"Yep," she squeaked, eyes filling up with water as a sob escaped her mouth.

Now I know when I'm upset, I find talking about it makes you feel worse, so I said nothing for the remainder of the journey. Sure enough her tears died down and we arrived at the tiny bit of concrete they call the Genovian airport. Actually, it was tiny ten years ago when nobody had heard of Genovia, but now the population has doubled and the airport has been expanded, so one could now consider it small.

We had a coffee in the café while waiting for her flight to be called, mainly talking about her plans once she got over there. She's going to apply for jobs and save money to move out of her mom's house.

I told her to say hi to her mom for me, even if she doesn't like me since I broke her daughter's heart. I'm sure she'll forgive me for corrupting Charlotte when she sees her granddaughter's cheery face and adorable smile for the first time.

After coffee we went to the departure lounge and sat down. We let Jess crawl around on the floor and look out the big window where she could see the planes. She observed them with fascination while Charlotte and I sat together in silence, watching her.

My heart sank when their flight was called. To avoid a teary goodbye, I just gave Charlotte a polite hug and told her to take good care of my baby girl. I then picked Jess up off the floor and looked at her and she smiled, then an uncontrolable tear fell from my eye and I hugged her until Charlotte took her away.

Sitting back down, I waited for the plane to take off. After a few minutes, the plane moved out of the terminal and headed towards the runway. Even though I knew they couldn't see me, I waved to them and I could feel them waving back. The plane took off at 12:36pm, I watched as it took my daughter further and further away from me until was was just a dot in the sky. Though I was aware I would have to pay a huge parking fee, I sat in that plastic airport chair for a while. Only when I looked at my phone did I realise what the time was and figured I had better show my face at home so Clarisse didn't think I'd run off with Charlotte...again.

When I got home I went straight to Clarisse and held her, "Thankyou," I whispered into her hair. She didn't say anything, just accepted my affection and held me tighter.

The rest of the afternoon I sat and watched television, I couldn't even recall what was on. It was used merely for background noise and to get my mind off things. Clarisse came in later on and asked if I wanted to go to dinner, because we hadn't been out for days due to having a baby with us, so I put on my suit, she wore a conservative long-sleeved blue dress and we got in the car and went. She held my hand between gear shifts and spent a lot of time looking at me, a hint of concern on her face. I gave her a reassuring smile and kept my eyes on the road.

Instinctively I drove to the restaurant we used to go to before we were divorced, even though Clarisse had clearly stated she wanted to go to the fancy french restaurant whose name is unpronounceable. But we went in and were seated without a reservation at the best table in the house. I looked at the menu, my how time changes when you've been living in the slum. I didn't recognise a single thing on it. I had to read every single item to figure out what I wanted to eat. Clarisse looked frustrated, "Is something wrong? You've never taken this long to choose a meal before."

"It's this damn menu," I said, rather too loud, "They've changed it all."

She looked unconvinced, probably thought I was frustrated because of Jess leaving, but I truly was pissed off with the menu. I don't like ordering food that doesn't come with the option of chips on the side.

"You know," Clarisse smiled, leaning closer to me, "It's not a life changing decision, it's just dinner."

I could tell she was hungry, so I just picked a random meal and hoped it wasn't a raw steak. Clarisse looked at me sympathetically and started up a conversation about aphids. Halfway through the conversation I couldn't even remember what an aphid was.

To my relief, the meal I had ordered turned out to be a duck salad. It wasn't bad, but at that point I would have prefered a greasy, meaty burger. After dinner, we went up to a place I had read about in the newspaper, it was the sort of place teenagers would go to "make-out" in their cars, high on cliff, overlooking the ocean, a seemingly nice place for a picnic.

We sat on a bench and after opening a bottle of red, held hands and just watched the ocean. There wasn't much conversation, I just wanted to sit there and think. We must have stayed for over an hour, I didn't even realise Clarisse had fallen asleep on my shoulder until I heard her snoring. Smiling, I continued to watch the ocean and listen to her breathing. I thought about how unlucky I felt to have my daughter taken away from me, but then I looked to the woman leaning against me and thought about how damn lucky I was to have her back in my life. If she hadn't had her uncharacteristic change of heart over the whole Charlotte thing, I would be even more depressed than I am right now, though I would still have my daughter with me. Who am I kidding? I'm too old to raise a child anyway, I knew that from the beginning, but Charlotte made it sound so wonderful, I couldn't resist. No, I should be out gardening and playing lawn bowls in my retirement, not raising a baby. But that doesn't stop me from missing her. At least I still have Clarisse in my life and that she forgave me for my terrible mistakes. A branded buttcheek is a small price to pay to be with the woman I love and I will never do wrong by her ever again.