Sonny lightly banged his head against the wall behind him. His knees were pulled against his chest. One of Ari's stuffed toys hung loosely in his hand.
Sonny couldn't stop crying. If it was any other time or situation Sonny would have laughed about it. He wasn't the emotional one. That was always Will. Will's eyes would get red and puffy. His cheeks would get splotchy.
Thinking about it made Sonny cry even more. Big, chest rattling sobs that made him want to curl into a ball.
The front door was still open. When Will ran out of it Sonny's knees crumpled and he sank to the ground. The icy wind chilled the apartment but Sonny didn't care. All he wanted was Will.
Sonny needed to know that Will was alright. He needed to be there for Will. That's his job. He takes care of Will. He comforts Will, supports him.
'I don't cheat on him,' Sonny closed his eyes. 'I don't lie to him. I don't keep secrets. I-I don't ruin everything.'
'Why did I ruin everything?'
Sonny would never forget the look on Will's face. He would never forget seeing the light, the joy in Will's eyes die.
'I did that,' Sonny shoved his hands in his hair. 'I did that to him. I knew it would hurt him and I did it anyway.'
Sonny pulled on his hair, head continuing it's banging. Sonny heard someone walk into the apartment.
"Who left the door—Sonny?!" Adrienne cried.
Adrienne rushed to Sonny's side, kneeling in front of him.
"Sweetheart," Adrienne put her hand on Sonny's forehead, his arm, his leg. "What happened?"
Sonny didn't reply. Tears falling noisily down his face.
"What did Will do?" Adrienne narrowed her eyes.
Adrienne hadn't seen Sonny behave like this since he was a child.
"N-nothing," Sonny responded. "It's not, he-he didn't."
"Whatever it is," Adrienne put her arm around Sonny. "It'll be fine. Will can make it up to you."
"He didn't do anything," Sonny shook his head.
"How else do you explain this?" Adrienne sighed. "If Will-,"
"It's not him," Sonny argued.
Sonny couldn't hear anything bad about Will right now. Maybe not ever again.
"Sonny," Adrienne rubbed against his arm. "We both know that Will-,"
"It wasn't him!" Sonny yelled.
Sonny shoved his mother away so he could stand. Wiping his eyes and his face, Sonny shook his head.
"It was me," Sonny confessed. "I ruined everything!"
Adrienne scrambled to her feet.
"Sweetheart," Adrienne's face softened. "Did you tell Will about Paul being in town? I'm sure things aren't that bad. You should have told him earlier, yes. But Will can't hold that against you forever."
"Yeah?" Sonny spat out. "He can't?"
"It's not your fault that your ex came to town," Adrienne appeased. "Will has to see reason."
"He's never forgiving me!" Sonny screamed. "I cheated on him! I slept with Paul and Will is never going to forgive me, ever."
"Oh, Sonny," Adrienne whispered. Her hands slowly raised to cover her mouth.
Paul rubbed against Will's back, murmuring words of encouragement.
'He wouldn't be here if he knew what I did,' Paul thought. 'He wouldn't let me touch him. That means Sonny didn't tell him the whole truth.'
Paul should have appreciated Sonny keeping his privacy. But on the other hand Paul couldn't stand that Sonny put that above Will.
'And now I have to tell Will the truth,' Paul realized. 'I have to tell Will I slept with his husband.'
Paul knew the when or how didn't matter. Will wouldn't forgive Paul for this.
'I just want one more moment,' Paul thought. 'One more moment to be with Will. One more moment where I'm the one he needs. One more moment before he hates me.'
Will pulled away from Paul, head bowed. He wiped his eyes with the backs of his hands and sniffled.
"Sorry," Will mumbled, voice dry and weak
"It's fine," Paul answered.
Will pulled the blanket Paul wrapped around his shoulders tighter. He wanted to curl up and hide.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Paul questioned.
Will shook his head. He didn't think he could talk about it. He couldn't even look at Paul.
"Did something happen with your husband?" Paul pressed.
Will nodded once. A loud sob erupted from his chest.
"He," Will tried to say. "He, he said," Will lilted forward.
Paul put his arm around Will once more. Will rested against Paul's chest, near hysterics.
"Someone else," Will whispered. "Slept with someone else."
"Oh, baby," Paul rubbed against his back.
"I-I told him I kissed you," Will cried. "I felt bad. And he-he let me apologize. Told me he forgave me."
"Let it all out," Paul encouraged. "Let it out."
"He took my ring and he, I saw but I didn't think, I never thought," Will couldn't focus his thoughts.
"Never thought what?" Paul murmured. He wasn't following Will but he knew whatever it was must be important.
"Why would he do this?" Will asked, ignoring Paul. "He said he loved me."
"I know," Paul sighed. He knew Will just wanted someone to listen.
"Is there something wrong with me?" Will wondered. "Is it because I burn dinner? Because I don't clean when I should?"
"I'm sure it's nothing like that," Paul assured Will.
"Am I that awful?" Will continued as if Paul didn't say anything. "That ugly? That stupid? What?"
It hurt Paul to hear that. Physically hurt for Will to blame himself. It hurt even worse knowing Paul contributed to that pain.
'I didn't think or care at all about who Sonny was married to,' Paul realized. 'All I cared about was myself.'
"I know I'm not much," Will muttered lowly. "But he told me he loved me. Why did he tell me that? Why did I believe him?"
"Don't say that," Paul growled. "You're worth everything."
Will weakly shook his head, beyond listening.
"Did he say that?" Paul questioned, focusing on the other part of Will's sentence. "That he didn't love you?"
Paul cared about Will. The longer he held Will the more apparent that became. Seeing the way Will broke apart in front of him, Paul knew he had to do the right thing.
'Will loves Sonny,' Paul closed his eyes. 'The least I can do is this.'
"Does it matter?" Will asked. "I can't trust him."
Will pulled away from Paul once more. He wiped his eyes with the edge of the blanket.
"Sorry, I keep crying on you," Will told Paul.
"We've been in this position before," Paul pointed out. "Only I was the one doing the crying."
Will nodded, hands on his face.
"Do you need anything?" Paul offered. "Water, a warm washcloth?"
"Both, please," Will replied.
Paul got Will the items. He lucked out that the apartment was fully furnished.
Will took a sip of the water before covering his face with the washcloth. It felt soothing against his swollen eyes.
"Sorry about this," Will confessed. "I know how ugly I look when I cry."
"You're not ugly," Paul denied vehemently. "Why would you say that?"
"Do you think whoever he was is better looking than me?" Will asked. His eyes watered again.
Paul didn't answer. 'No, no he isn't. He's an asshole who doesn't deserve you.'
"Like Brian was," Will whispered. "Older, smarter, better. Not useless, not broken, not-not me."
"I told him," Will added. "I told him I wasn't enough. I knew I wasn't enough. Why did he marry me? How could he marry me?
"I wasn't gone that long," Will rambled. "I sent him emails. I-I tried. I tried my best. Why wasn't that enough?"
Paul almost couldn't stand it. He couldn't hear this, hear Will blame himself.
'I wanted Sonny and I didn't care about anything else,' Paul thought. 'And I didn't even want him in the end.'
Paul wondered if this was some form of karmic retribution. The universes way of punishing him for what he did.
'I hurt Will before I even met him and now I have to face the consequences,' Paul believed. 'I have to see him suffer for what I did.'
"You're more than enough," Paul promised. "You always have been."
'How can I tell him what I did?' Paul shook his head. 'He's already suffering. How can I add to his pain?'
"I don't understand," Adrienne stated. "You're so," Adrienne shook her head. "This isn't you."
"Maybe you don't know me that well, then," Sonny fired back. "Because this is me."
"How did this even happen?" Adrienne pressed. Reluctantly, she asked, "Are you leaving Will for Paul?"
"No," Sonny turned to stare at his mother in horror. "No, I want Will. I only want Will."
"I'm having a hard time understanding," Adrienne admitted. "None of this is making sense. This isn't you. You wouldn't do this to anyone. You're perf-,"
"Don't say that," Sonny ordered. "I am not perfect. I've never been perfect."
Adrienne was ready to protest.
"I have done bad things my whole life, Mom," Sonny said. "You just refuse to see it."
"Then explain it to me," Adrienne demanded. "How did this happen?"
"I," Sonny held onto his elbows. "Paul invited me to his hotel while Will was gone. I didn't, I wasn't planning on going. But I couldn't get Will on the phone and I-I don't know. I went and I didn't come back until the weekend was over."
"Sonny," Adrienne said, disappointed.
"It was just, seeing him again, having him here," Sonny stared at the floor. "It was like I was back in San Francisco. It was like nothing changed. Suddenly I could have everything I always wanted.
"He was always in the back of my mind," Sonny confessed. "Even, even when I married Will. I couldn't let Paul go."
"Sonny," Adrienne's frown became more pronounced.
"Will wasn't here," Sonny whispered. "Paul wanted me. I didn't think about what I was doing. I didn't want to think about it.
"I didn't even plan on sleeping with him," Sonny admitted. "It just, I went there to talk to him. And we did, for a while. It just, I just, it was like old times. Hotel room, keeping it a secret. That's what we always did. I couldn't help myself.
"I knew the minute I came back home it was a mistake," Sonny added. "A colossal mistake. I realized that I didn't love Paul anymore. That I was just holding onto him because of how things ended. That we never got closure."
"Why didn't you tell Will?" Adrienne asked. "Why didn't you tell him right away?"
"How could I?" Sonny loudly fired back. "How could I tell him that I cheated? Let alone that it was with someone I thought I had feelings for."
"You knew it would be worse the longer you waited though," Adrienne replied. "Although, all your behavior since Will's return makes sense."
"I've been an idiot," Sonny slumped onto the couch. "I lied to him. I took out my frustrations on him. I broke his heart."
Sonny put his head in his hands.
Muffled, Sonny asked, "What if he never forgives me?"
"He loves you," Adrienne sat next to Sonny. She wrapped her arm around him. "If there's one thing I know about Will it's that he loves you."
"Please don't let him leave me," Sonny begged.
"It's gonna be fine," Adrienne pressed her lips together. She desperately hoped she was right.
"What do you want to do?" Paul asked Will.
"What do you mean?" Will looked at Paul.
"I mean," Paul swallowed down his own longings. "You love him. He hurt you. What do you want to do?"
Will's face crinkled in confusion.
"It's up to you, Will," Paul explained. "Everything from this moment forward."
"I can't have what I want," Will stated. "I want everything to go away and I want for this day to never have happened."
"You're right," Paul agreed. "That isn't going to happen. Can I tell you what I think?"
Will nodded. His eyes were locked on Paul, trusting.
"You wouldn't be hurting this much if you didn't love him," Paul stated. "You love him. You married him. If there's the slightest chance that you can make things work you should take it."
Will chewed on his lower lip.
"Yesterday," Paul grabbed Will's hand. "I said that I would be worth it, you leaving him. But seeing you like this," Paul clarified. "You have a family, a life. I think that it would be a mistake to walk away from that."
"But he threw me away," Will whimpered.
"Maybe," Paul acknowledged. "But you won't know until you talk to him."
Paul squeezed Will's hand. He really didn't want to say any of this but he owed it to Will. He cared about Will too much to let this happen.
"You told me all about how your guy," Paul couldn't bring himself to say Sonny's name. "How he helped you when you were struggling. How he was there for Ari."
Will's eyes watered again.
"Is he the type of man that would hurt you, purposely hurt you?" Paul questioned.
Will shook his head.
"If you love him," Paul encouraged. "Then you should hear him out."
"What if I can't forgive him?" Will clung to Paul's hand.
"You'll never know unless you try," Paul said. "And if you don't try you'll regret it every day."
"It feels like I'll never stop hurting," Will admitted. "It feels like there's this big, gaping hole and everything keeps bleeding out of it."
"You just found out," Paul rubbed his thumb across the top of Will's had. "It'll take time."
"I don't want it to take time," Will replied, petulant.
"Stubborn," Paul smiled despite the situation.
"We broke up once. When I found out about Ari, I thought it would be better for everyone if I kept it a secret. Sonny broke up with me when he found out," Will told Paul. "He moved on, you know? Had the perfect boyfriend. It didn't even surprise me. Why would Sonny waste his time on me? He deserved more."
"You're so much more than you think," Paul argued.
"Sonny took me back and I promised myself. I promised that I would do whatever it took to make things work," Will shook his head. "That I wouldn't ruin it this time."
"You didn't do anything," Paul promised. "This isn't your fault."
'It's my fault. Mine and Sonny's,' Paul closed his eyes. 'We did this to this poor boy.'
That's all Will was when it came down to it. A naïve, trusting, broken little boy that felt things too deeply. Will kept wondering why he wasn't enough. It never occurred to Will that it was because he was too much.
Paul knew he needed to tell Will the truth. That Will deserved the truth. Paul cared too much to lie to Will now. Because of that, Paul wanted to give Sonny the chance to tell Will himself.
Paul would give up his happiness, his chance with Will if it meant making Will happy. The minute Will found out the truth, he would never look at Paul the same again.
'If he could even look at me at all,' Paul thought.
"I'll talk to him," Will agreed. "But not right now. I don't think I can handle that now."
"Of course," Paul squeezed Will's hand again. "Um, what about Ari?"
"She's with my dad," Will chuckled sadly. "I made plans. So Sonny and I could spend all day together, be alone. I wanted to ring in the New Year with him."
Will angrily wiped away a few stray tears.
"That's when he told me," Will said. He was already embarrassed enough by the situation. Might as well let Paul know all the details.
"I told him I kissed you and I threw myself at him," Will smiled ironically at Paul. "And he told me he couldn't be with me. It didn't matter before, apparently."
"I would guess finding out about me would make him panic," Paul mumbled.
"I didn't tell him about you, you," Will said. "I just said that you were my friend. I wouldn't expose you."
"You didn't have to do that," Paul insisted. "After the article it won't matter anyway."
"I finished it," Will remembered. It seemed so long ago. "A rough draft at least. I want you to look it over though. I need to make sure it's right."
"Don't worry about the article," Paul dismissed. "You have too much to deal with right now."
"I'd rather focus on that," Will admitted. "On you."
Paul knew better than to read too much into it. His heart didn't get the message though.
"We can work on the article," Paul promised. "Once you talk things over with your husband."
Will nodded and gave Paul a half-smile. He looked around the room only just now realizing he was inside the apartment above the pub.
"Did you move in?" Will asked suddenly.
"Yes," Paul stated. "I signed a lease with your aunt. I figure the income could go towards hiring someone new. That way you won't have to spend so much time working."
"That would be nice," Will nodded. "I won't have an excuse to be around you as much though."
"You can't spend time with your friend?" Paul mused.
Will yawned instead of replying.
"Come on," Paul stood up. He grabbed a pillow from the bed and put it on the couch for Will. "Close your eyes and get some rest."
Will didn't hesitate. He reclined on the couch, red eyes closing instantly.
"Thank you," Will sighed. "For being here for me."
"There's nowhere I'd rather be," Paul answered.
Paul figured his days spent with Will were limited. He should at least make the most of them now.
Author's note:
Any thoughts?
Thanks for reading!