Chapter 38 - Uncertainty

Cho lowered his head as he answered the call, a line appearing between his eyes. A man of few words it was impossible for Jane or Lisbon to differentiate if the news was good or bad from the mostly monosyllabic one sided dialogue. Jane and Lisbon exchanged worried glances as he nodded and made indistinguishable grunts before he updated Rigsby on their progress. Finally he hung up and turned to them.

"She's made it through the surgery, they were able to stop the internal bleeding and it looks like no vital organs were hit."

Lisbon released a breath in relief but Jane narrowed his eyes at Cho, knowing there was more. "But?" he said.

"The head wound was worse than they initially thought. There's swelling on the brain."

Lisbon closed her eyes and grasped at her cross. "What are they doing about it?" she asked.

"They've put her in a medically induced coma for now, see if it subsides."

"And if it doesn't?"

"Then they look at operating."

"How long before they make that decision?" Jane asked.

Cho shrugged, "Specialist is coming to assess her later today."

Silence descended on the trio for a few moments as their thoughts turned to their colleague once again. To make it through a knife attack by Red John was improbably miraculous but if she only survived that to perish from a knock to the head somehow seemed crueller still.

"Come on," Jane said, in an attempt to rally his colleagues as Lisbon looked to her shoes. "This is good news. She made it through the surgery, that's more than half the battle."

Lisbon nodded one and raised her head. She sniffed and tried a smile. "You're right. We stay positive." It was a shame she couldn't put much vigour into it as tiredness overwhelmed her and had trouble believing the positive encouragement she was trying to instil in both herself and the others.

"We should call it a night," Jane said to both of them. "We're exhausted. Let's leave things to morning. Nothing much else we can do tonight. We should all get a couple of hours rest. We'll need our energy for tomorrow." He looked outside, black turning to grey as morning arrived. "Sorry, later today."

Lisbon replied, "I have to put that BOLO out for Forster-"

Jane interrupted, "Let's talk to Haffner first. If you put a BOLO out then anyone could pick him up, Lisbon."

"Like someone working for Red John," Cho nodded.

"Exactly."

"Okay," Lisbon agreed, "we'll see if Ray can shed any light on his whereabouts. But if he can't I'm going to have to report this to Wainwright and issue that BOLO, Jane."

"Fine," he begrudgingly agreed.

Cho had decided to stay at the CBI to dig deeper into Forster's background and finances, telling them he'd grab a shower there and grab a few hours rest on Jane's couch so Lisbon and Jane drove back to her condo alone. As he was at the wheel he watched her head fall to the side occasionally as her eyelids closed. Then within seconds she was upright again, blinking tiredness away.

"She'll be okay," he said to her as she yawned. "Grace is tough." He chanced a smile at her. "Just like her boss."

Lisbon sighed and smiled weakly in return. "Don't feel too tough right now, that's for sure."

"You just need some rest, we both do," he said as he turned into her driveway and killed the engine.

"You really think either one of us will be able to sleep?"

"We need to try get a couple of hours rest, Teresa. Need to be sharp when we talk to Haffner."

As they entered her condo Lisbon's eyes immediately focused on her black dress as it lay on the floor beside the couch, her coffee table wedged up against a chair beside it. Bile rose in her accompanied by those same feelings of shame and guilt she'd felt earlier when she'd thought about what she and Jane had been doing while Van Pelt was being attacked. She grabbed the piece of clothing quickly off the floor with a deep breath, averting her eyes from Jane's that she knew were watching every minuscule reaction she made.

"I'm going to take a shower and try to rest for a few hours," she said as she rushed towards the stairs.

Jane watched her practically take the steps two at a time to get away from him and sighed wearily. He removed his jacket and rolled up his shirt sleeves, quickly sweeping the room for bugs. He guessed correctly that Red John had caused enough drama for the night to bother with that activity. He threw the broken lamp into the trash and fixed up the area around the couch before settling himself on it. He heard her rustle about upstairs and the hot water switch off, barefooted footsteps on the floorboards above him as she presumably changed into a T shirt or football jersey.

He sat in silence, pondering what to do next.

Lisbon threw on a clean football jersey and sat on the edge of her bed. In the shower, she'd scrubbed her body ferociously to remove the scent of their lovemaking, the smell of his cologne from her skin. Now as she sat staring at the phone on the nightstand beside her a part of her wanted nothing more than to have it back again, to feel his arms around her, to escape the nightmare of the last few hours and drift into oblivion beside him. But a greater part of her felt guilty for wanting that, she didn't deserve to be comforted and loved while Grace couldn't have the same affection bestowed upon her. And even if she allowed herself that comfort what if it made her break down completely?

A gentle tap on her bedroom door came a few seconds later. "Come in," she croaked, clearing her throat, unsurprised Jane had come to check on her, more surprised he'd actually knocked first to do so.

He walked in, balancing two cups in his hands as he kicked the door closed behind him.

"Made us some tea," he said, sitting down beside her and handing her a cup. "Chamomile, naturally."

"Because tea's going to make everything better, is it?" she replied with a bark. "Sorry," she said a split second later as she took a deep breath. "This isn't your fault," she added quietly, warming her hands on the sides of the cup and turning her gaze to the ground.

"Nor is it yours," he replied softly as she watched her toes as she pushed them into the plush pile of her bedroom carpet.

"Don't start that crap again."

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes and took a large sip of his tea instead before settling it on the ground beside him. He went to place a hand on her back and felt her flinch at his touch as he expected he would.

"Don't do this," he said quietly.

Her eyes shot to his. "Do what?" she said accusingly.

"You know what. Push me away."

"I'm-I'm not."

He raised a sceptical eyebrow.

"I'm okay, Jane. It's just that I don't need you to console me. I'm not going to fall apart. You don't need to worry about me."

"Since when has worry been a need? It's a reaction, not something I can just not do, Lisbon. Anymore than you can stop worrying about me...or Grace."

She took a long breath and brought the cup to her lips, sipping the hot liquid. When she stopped she looked to her feet again. She whispered, "I know it's irrational. That one thing has nothing to do with the other but..."

Her voice trailed off as she swallowed.

"Every time I touch you you're reminded of what we were doing downstairs and what was happening to Grace at the same time," he finished for her.

She pursed her lips and nodded almost imperceptibly.

His tone turned conversational. "You know, it was Grace who talked some sense into me today. To finally acknowledge how I felt about you and not waste the second chance I'd been handed."

"It was?" she said, turning towards him, a touch of warmth lightening her strained expression.

"You know what else she told me? She told me that I shouldn't screw it up."

"Sounds like her," Lisbon smiled.

"She also told me not to let you screw it up either."

Lisbon's face fell slightly into something akin to irritation. "Jane, this is hardly the time to talk about whatever's going on with us in our personal lives."

"I'm not suggesting it is. But neither is it the time to take steps backwards in it either." He pinned a lock of hair behind her ear and circled her face with his eyes. "Please let me in, Teresa. Even if it's just so I have my foot in the door. Don't slam it in my face just when things are improving between us."

Tears threatened and she shook her head. "I don't mean to...I don't...I don't want to but...I have to. If I don't-"

"You think you'll fall apart?"

"I'm not sure, maybe."

He smiled gently at her. "Or you might gain some strength from it. How will you know if you don't try?"

"Tell me something, have you ever lost an argument in your life?" she said with some annoyance.

He shrugged as his smile grew. Her testiness was much more welcome than her reluctance to allow herself be comforted. He was accustomed to her hostility and knew how to handle that side to her personality; if anything it comforted him that her behaviour was returning to normal around him. He'd rather be yelled at than met with indifference any day of the week.

"None that I wish to recall."

She rolled her eyes and got off the bed, setting her cup on the nightstand. Jane sat on its edge, attempting to interpret her actions.

"Well if we're going to try to get some sleep we can't do it with you sitting there," she glared. "Get up."

He smiled and rose off the bed, sitting his cup on the other nightstand as she pulled back the covers before getting into bed. "I'll set my alarm for three hours," she said as she lifted her phone.

"If you don't mind I'll have a shower first," Jane said.

"There's a suit of yours in the closet, you left it here along with a couple of shirts and some underwear for some reason one time," she replied emotionlessly as she punched some keys on her phone.

Jane checked the closet, finding his suit dry cleaned and his shirts perfectly ironed. A smile crept up on his lips immediately at her rather thoughtful bout of domesticity.

"Don't say a word, if you know what's good for you," she glowered upon seeing his smirk, putting the phone down with a bang and turning off the light beside her before punching the pillow and turning on her side.

Jane nodded, touched again by her doing his laundry swiftly followed by a helping of shame for leaving her.

"I was leaving some stuff of my own in anyway," she said from below the covers, as if reading his mind. "It was no big deal."

He slipped under the covers in some clean boxer shorts after his shower, grateful of the warmth of the woman beside him. He moved closer and draped an arm around her waist, realising immediately she was still awake when he felt her pull away from him slightly.

"Haven't we talked about this?" he murmured, refusing to budge unless he was forced.

"I'm not pushing you away, okay? But I'm fine, I don't need be coddled."

"Who says this hug is for your benefit?" he replied, moving a little closer and pressing a kiss to the back of her head.

"You're a manipulative son of a bitch," she sighed. But a second later she placed her hand on the arm around her and pulled him closer to her back. He scooted over gratefully.

The smell of coffee was the first thing she was aware of after her phone alarm sounded three hours later. A freshly made cup sat steaming on her nightstand and she breathed in the aroma thankfully. A message from Wainwright lay waiting for her, no doubt looking to call a meeting to decide on next steps. The press, she was sure, were already picking up the scent of a Red John attack on a CBI employee. Images of Bosco and his team filled her head and she took a deep breath, shaking her head to rid herself of them and concentrating on the bitter taste of her favourite beverage instead.

Wainwright, and the press in the form of Brenda Shetrick, could wait for now.

She glanced at the empty side of the bed beside her and frowned, listening hard. After a second she heard Jane downstairs, clanking around in her kitchen. She smiled without thinking as her thoughts turned to him. She had called him manipulative by ensuring they spooned earlier but when she thought about it more clearly now she realised it wasn't all a manipulation to stop her pulling away from him. He was also Grace's friend and she was sure he'd needed that comfort too for a few hours.

"Morning," she said as she entered the kitchen after getting dressed in dark jeans and a black T shirt.

Jane turned from his cooking with a nod and a small smile. "Morning, feeling better?"

"Can't believe I slept," she admitted. "Did you at all?" She looked around the kitchen as pancakes, bacon and scrambled eggs littered it. "Looks like you've been up for a while."

"I slept enough," he said with a wave of his hand. "Now, sit down. Pancakes and bacon?"

"I'm-I'm not really hungry, Jane," she said with a shrug, fetching herself some more coffee instead.

He put a plate of food opposite his then fixed her with a steely gaze. "We're at war, Lisbon. You need to eat whether you feel like it or not."

"Fine," she said with a roll of her eyes.

Over breakfast she watched him clean up after he'd finished his plate, a line appearing now and then between his eyes as he did so. "What is it?" she asked as she brought her plate to the sink where he was washing dishes.

He made a point of checking her plate and nodded that she'd eaten sufficiently before he deposited it in the sink. "What do you mean?" he asked evenly, avoiding eye contact.

"There's something on your mind."

He turned towards her and shot her a disbelieving look. "And there's not something on your mind?" he said with a raised eyebrow.

"Something other than the obvious," she said with exasperation. "Something apart from what happened to Van Pelt last night."

When she saw him lick his lips nervously she began to panic. "Oh my god, is it Van Pelt? Did you hear some news-?"

"No," he assured her, shaking his head vehemently. He took a breath, "Sorry. Sit down, I was going to explain once I'd cleared up."

They took a seat at her table and Jane said, "Remember we were talking about acquiring more security for the wedding?"

Lisbon nodded, frowning slightly. "Yeah, but there's hardly going to be a wedding now, Jane. Even if she makes it..."

"I know," he said with a sigh. "But we need more nonetheless. Certainly at the hospital. Van Pelt survived a Red John attack. That's...unheard of."

"If she wakes up she might be able to identify him or his voice at least. I know, I've thought about that too."

"When she wakes up," he nodded to her.

"Right," Lisbon said with a small smile. "When. Okay, but we still have the same problem we did before. How can we be sure that the people we get won't be his people?"

"Well firstly we don't get them from Law Enforcement. We know he has major connections there so we stay away from it."

Her eyes widened slightly, "You're talking about private security consultants, something like that? Haffner's people? You want to ask him for his help? Is that where you're going with this?"

"No," Jane said with conviction. "I don't know if we can trust him and I'm suspicious how he was able to finance that new venture of his. It's one of the things I want to find out about when we go talk to him later."

"Then who?" Lisbon asked.

Jane shifted slightly in his chair. "Walter Mashburn," he said, taking a sip of tea to avoid her reaction.

Lisbon's eyebrows hit her forehead. "Walter? You want to ask Walter for his help?"

He sat back in the chair and shrugged. "I already have. Talked to him first thing."

Despite the grim circumstances they were in Lisbon's mouth twitched upwards. "I'm sure that was an interesting conversation. Just how much did he make you beg?"

"Let's say I owe him one," he replied with an eye roll.

The smile disappeared from her face. "But why him, Jane?"

"He's a rich man, has a whole raft of clients and businesses that require security. Not to mention his own with so many crazy ex girlfriends on his tail." Jane smirked, "No offence."

She rolled her eyes. "I still don't understand why you went to him."

"Three very good reasons. Firstly, he has the contacts we need to keep the people close to us safe. Private individuals less likely to be under Red John's influence. Secondly, he's not Red John which we've already established. Thirdly...we know him and...you trust him, right?"

She nodded, "Yeah, I do. I was under the impression, however, that you did not."

"I think we both know that had to do with more...personal reasons," he replied, obviously discomforted.

"Yeah, we do. So, he's agreed?"

"Of course. He's sent some people to watch the hospital and the agents on your team. I even got Wainwright a bodyguard," Jane said with an eye roll.

"Sounds expensive," Lisbon suggested.

"Meh, not like he can't afford it. And me owing him a favour would be worth it at any price to him."

"I'll need to call him, thank him."

"I'm sure he'd appreciate that," Jane said with as much politeness as he could muster, biting his tongue.

"Thank you, too. All joking aside I'm sure it wasn't an easy call to make. I know how much you hate asking for anyone's help."

"Some things are more important than my pride, Teresa. Like making as sure as we can that no one else we know dies."

She smiled softly and touched his hand then saw tenseness in his face. "Okay, what else?" She paused, narrowed her eyes at him. "You didn't make some agreement involving me that made Walter offer to help, did you?"

Jane chuckled, "Like what? He provides security for us and you marry him, something like that?"

"Well there's something you're not telling me," she said with a glower.

He took her hand in his and took a deep breath, his expression serious again. "You're right," he said softly. "But before I tell you it's just a precaution, okay?"

"Precaution?" she frowned. "For god's sake, what is it, Jane?"

"As well as sending some people to watch the team here I've also arranged for a couple of people to go to-"

"Chicago," Lisbon finished for him, catching a breath. "Oh god, I didn't even think, what if he comes after-"

"Calm down. Take a breath," he said steadily, clutching her hand. "Like I said, it's just a precaution. He already has a hell of a show going on in California, I don't imagine he'll want to miss a minute of it."

Lisbon's heart raced. "But he could just send someone else-"

"And if he does they'll be taken care of by Walter's people," he replied assuredly.

Lisbon's heart rate began to calm down slowly as she nodded. "I need to call my brothers and their families, make sure they take all precautions they can to stay safe."

"Probably wise."

She exhaled slowly. "When the hell is this ever going to stop?" she asked him. "I mean, how long do we do this for, Jane? We can't keep round the clock security going forever."

"Easy. We catch him before forever comes," he said with a small smile and a wink. He patted her hand and got off the chair, taking a cloth to wipe the counter down. Brightly, "So, ready to go see Haff-"

His words were cut off by the feeling of two small hands around his waist. "Thank you," she said behind his back softly. "For thinking about my family."

He turned in her arms and pecked the top of her head. "Well who knows, they might be my family one day too."

When faced with her flabbergasted expression he laughed softly. "Well, that got your mind off our current troubles for a few seconds there."

She laughed nervously in return.