Sonny flitted about Club TBD determined to finish everything quickly. He had to get home to Will. The longer Will spent alone the worse his thoughts would get. The farther Will would drift from Sonny.
That's why Sonny had to get home soon. He couldn't leave Will lost and alone. He had to get back to him. He had to.
Glancing at his phone, and ignoring yet another message from his mother, Sonny bumped right into a barstool.
"Woah," Abigail Devereux said when Sonny knocked into her seat. "Distracted much?"
"Yeah, boss," Ben, who was leaning across from Abigail, agreed. "You alright?"
"Fine," Sonny insisted, voice weak and brittle from lack of use.
Ever since he arrived at TBD, Sonny spent his time locked in his office. He didn't talk to anyone, too focused. He was only out on the floor now because he needed to check on the register.
"You don't look fine," T responded. He walked over to join the group. "You look like hell."
"What did Will do?" Abigail questioned with a long-suffering sigh.
T shot her a sharp glare.
"Nothing," Sonny replied. He couldn't tell them anything.
'Will would hate for anyone to know what happened,' Sonny knew.
"It's bound to be something," Ben stated. "Did he write another terrible article?"
T bit his lip, fists clenching.
"Did he get another job offer for something he doesn't deserve?" Abigail asked scornfully.
"It's not Will," Sonny maintained. "Just drop it."
"It's always Will," Abigail argued. "We know he's the main cause of your problems. You certainly put up with a lot to be with him."
"Just like anyone has trying to be with you," T told Abigail flat out.
Abigail bristled, tossing her hair over her shoulder, hand on her chest.
"Watch it," Ben grumbled.
"No," T rolled his eyes. "I'm sick of you people trashing my best friend. Not everything is Will's fault."
"What he did is so-," Abigail attempted to say.
"Shut up," T threw his head back. "No one is interested in your sob story. You don't want ridicule? Stop going after taken men because you have daddy issues."
"I swear to god-," Ben began.
T lifted his eyebrows mockingly.
"All of you just shut up," Sonny screamed. "God!"
Everyone paused. None of them had ever heard Sonny speak that way before.
"If you want to keep working or coming in here," Sonny glared at Ben and Abigail in turn. "Shut the hell up about my husband."
"Sonny," Abigail said, wounded.
"No," Sonny insisted through clenched teeth. "I am so sick and tired of everyone blaming Will for their mistakes. Will owns up to everything he does sooner or later. Unlike anyone else in this damn town. Why the hell does he have to be perfect when no one else is, huh? Why is he always the one that ends up alone and hurting because of other people?"
Sonny's lips wobbled, eyes watering.
"Dude," T frowned in concern. "I think you need to go home."
"I have to fix this," Sonny held a file folder up to his chest. "I have to."
'I have to find a way to pay off our credit card bill,' Sonny knew. 'I have to find a way to salvage my marriage. I have to fix it. I have to.'
"I'm gonna call Chad," T said. He picked up the phone behind the bar. "He can fix whatever it is you're rambling about."
A few minutes later Chad waltzed into the club, Theresa Donovan on his arm.
"Uh," T looked Theresa over. "When did that happen?"
Chad, ignoring T, turned to Theresa. "I'm gonna check on Sonny. You order whatever you want."
"Fine by me," Theresa primly sat at the bar. She smiled devilishly at the three people staring at her.
"So," Chad sat down across from Sonny at one of the tables. "What are you doing?"
"I'm fixing things," Sonny mumbled. "I have to fix them."
Sonny fiddled with a series of papers, crunching numbers on a calculator. His hair stuck up in odd directions from running his hands through it too often.
"Uh, huh," Chad nodded like he understood. "Why do you have to fix them?"
"Because if I don't Will's never going to forgive me," Sonny explained simply. "I have to get Will to forgive me."
"Forgive you for what?" Chad wondered. He was getting a seriously bad feeling.
"I ruined everything," Sonny whispered. "I have to fix it. I have to."
"Okay," Chad mumbled. He reached across to slowly slide the papers away from Sonny. "Why don't I take a look, okay?"
Chad looked over the paperwork with a frown. He noticed a bank statement for the club and a credit card statement with Sonny and Will's names on it.
It took Chad a few moments to understand.
"Did you pay for all this stuff with your own card?" Chad asked flatly. "Why would you do that?"
"They needed a payment and we didn't have any money," Sonny explained. "What else was I supposed to do?"
"You could have talked to me," Chad said rationally. "I do have a lot more money than you."
"I needed to prove I could do this," Sonny stated.
"Wait," Chad remembered a conversation they had a while back. "Is this because I blamed everything on you? Dude, you know that's not true. I was pissed, yeah. But I know it was on both of us."
Sonny shook his head several times, beyond listening.
"Here's what we're gonna do," Chad rubbed the middle of his forehead. "I'll get some money for this," Chad indicated the credit card bill. "You just explain to Will what happened. Everything will be fine."
"It won't," Sonny argued. He knew it wouldn't be that simple. Knew he screwed up too badly.
"Will is a giant sulk," Chad rationalized. "But he loves you. He'll forgive you for a bit of money. No problem."
Sonny sighed deeply. 'Will forgives easily. He just won't forgive this.'
"Hey," Chad offered, thinking of it. "I was in the pub the other day. I'm pretty sure they're doing renovations. I thought they were in the same boat as us. How can they afford that?"
Sonny shook his head. He literally had no idea.
After hanging up with his mother, Will checked on Ari. Thankfully, she was still napping. Will didn't think he could pretend to be happy right now, even for her.
Will walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Holding the plastic cup in his hands, Will looked at the pictures on the refrigerator door. They showed a happy family, three smiling faces.
'Was Sonny ever as happy as I was?' Will wondered, hands shaking. 'Did he settle for me because he couldn't be with him?'
Will focused on his favorite picture in the house: Ari fast asleep on Sonny's shoulder. A horrible thought sprang into Will's head.
'What if he never loved Ari the way he says he does?'
The cup dropped from Will's hand, spilling all over the kitchen floor. Will stared at the floor, transfixed.
For several moments Will didn't move, didn't react. Finally, Will grabbed a kitchen towel and kneeled, nearly soaking his pants. He moped up the mess while his eyes watered once again.
'I can't do anything right,' Will thought. Tears fell to the floor, joining the water.
Seeing the once clean towel become dirty made Will cry even harder.
'If I kept the floor clean, would that make Sonny love me?'
'If-If I did what he wanted, he'll love me,' Will decided. 'I have to keep everything clean. I have to do better. I will be better.'
Will crawled to the cabinet underneath the sink and pulled out every cleaning product they owned.
Sonny cautiously walked into the apartment. He didn't know if Will or Ari would still be there but he desperately hoped. Spotting Ari on the couch, Sonny sighed in relief.
"Hey, princess," Sonny greeted in a soft voice. "Where's Daddy?"
"Daddy clean," Ari told Sonny. She batted her large eyes in his direction.
"Clean?" Sonny frowned.
Sonny kissed the top of Ari's head before looking for Will. He did not expect to find Will the way he did.
Will, on his hands and knees, scrubbed against the bathtub with a brush. There was a stain that wouldn't come out no matter how hard Will tried.
"Come on," Will gritted through his teeth. He couldn't control the tears still trailing down his face. "Come on."
Will had been cleaning for hours now. The only break he took was when Ari woke up. Will made her a snack and put on a show for her to watch. Then he resumed his obsessive cleaning.
Will's muscles and joints ached but he powered through. The bathroom was almost clean. If Sonny saw how hard he tried to keep their home tidy, he might take everything back. It could all go back to the way it was.
'When I was young and stupid and didn't know,' Will thought. 'I don't want to know.'
Sonny watched Will work. He watched the tears fall from his eyes, watched the obvious strain on Will's muscles.
'How long has he been doing this?' Sonny wondered. His nose wrinkled from the smell of too many cleaning products. 'Why didn't I send anyone to check on him?'
"Will?" Sonny gently called.
Will jumped, nearly bumping his head on the faucet. He wasn't expecting Sonny. He wasn't ready. The bathroom wasn't clean yet. Sonny couldn't see the bathroom yet.
"Don't look!" Will yelled. He stood up quickly, too quickly.
The cleaning chemicals combined with the pitiful breakfast he pecked at that morning made Will lightheaded.
Swaying slightly, Will reached out to touch the wall for balance.
"Don't look," Will ordered. "It's not ready. You can't."
"Okay," Sonny held his hands up. "I'm not looking."
"It's not ready," Will's chest shook. "You can't, you can't…"
"Will," Sonny pleaded. "Please get out of the bathroom."
"It's not done," Will said. His lower lip jutted out, face wet and splotchy.
"I know," Sonny responded consolingly. "But you need some fresh air."
Keeping his hand against the wall for support, Will stumbled out of the bathroom. He made sure there was plenty of space between himself and Sonny.
Sonny sighed internally.
'I deserve that,' Sonny knew. It didn't make it hurt any less though.
Sonny finally took a look around the apartment. He didn't realize it when he first came inside. He was too relieved Ari and Will were still there.
"It's so clean in here," Sonny breathed out. "I don't think it was this clean when we moved in."
"I tried," Will whispered. He wiped at his eyes. He couldn't have Ari see him like this. He spent too much time as a child watching his mother cry. He would never let the same happen to Ari.
"Why?" Sonny questioned. "It was clean before I left."
"It wasn't," Will shook his head. That didn't help with the dizziness he felt. "It wasn't enough. You always tell me I don't do enough."
"I-," Sonny didn't know what to say. "I was wrong."
"No, you're not," Will moved away from Sonny. He sat down next to Ari on the couch.
Sonny knew that was Will's way of ending their conversation.
'We have to keep this mess from Ari. She can't ever know what's going on,' Sonny realized.
Sonny didn't know how to keep the tension away from their daughter though. She might have been small but Ari noticed things. She would pick up on her fathers' problems.
'God,' Sonny thought. 'What's going to happen if things don't work out? Would I still be her father? Would I become her godfather only? Would I lose her forever?'
It finally hit Sonny that he inadvertently created the same atmosphere Will grew up in. The atmosphere that left his husband scarred and jaded.
'I didn't just break Will's heart, his trust,' Sonny closed his eyes. 'I took him right back to where he grew up. The instability, feeling like he was being pulled between people, situations. Feeling like he wasn't good enough, would never be good enough. I did that.'
Sonny never told Will but he hated how Will was raised. He hated the damage that Sami and Lucas had put Will through. He hated that their actions caused Will so much harm, warped the way Will thought about himself and the world around him.
A part of Sonny hated Sami and Lucas for that.
'And now I'm just as bad,' Sonny inhaled sharply, throat burning.
Sonny turned away from Will and Ari, hand over his mouth. He couldn't stand what he did, who he had become.
Will held Ari tightly on his lap, unintentionally using her as a shield.
Ari squirmed on Will's lap. She put a tiny hand on her tummy and whined at Will. Big, bright eyes pinched in a toddler-version of desperation.
Will squeezed Ari against him, breathing in the scent of her hair. Ari always calmed him, grounded him. While the rest of Will's world was chaos, Ari was his lighthouse guiding him home.
'Anchors break,' Will thought bleakly as he wiped his eyes, attempting to settle the spinning in his head. 'That's why my lighthouse has to be strong. I'll make her strong. Make sure that nothing hurts her, keep her away from harm.'
'She'll be strong and beautiful and never doubt herself,' Will vowed. 'Ever.'
"Daddy'll make you dinner," Will told Ari. He squeezed her one last time before standing up.
Will wobbled toward the kitchen, needing to use the table to balance.
"Maybe I should do that," Sonny said, following Will into the kitchen. He noticed how unsteady Will looked.
"I can do it," Will insisted, back to Sonny. "I know how to feed my daughter."
Will opened and closed the cabinets, grabbing a hodge-podge of things. He didn't even think about what Ari needed to eat or what to make. He just grabbed whatever was in reach, too distracted to care.
"I didn't say-," Sonny tried.
"I might not be much but I know how to take care of her," Will sniffled, shoulders tightening.
"I know you do," Sonny promised. "She loves you so much and you take such good care of her."
"I'm not useless," Will maintained. He searched through the dish drainer for Ari's favorite plate.
It was a Minnie Mouse plate with a sparkly pink bow and portion divider. Ari wouldn't eat anything if it touched another part of her meal.
"I'm not. I can-I can clean and I can learn to cook and I-I'm not," Will paused. He held Ari's Minnie Mouse plate against his chest.
"I'm so sorry," Sonny repeated. He closed his eyes tightly. "I never should have said that to you."
"I'm not," Will took a deep breath before moving on.
Will finally looked at the food he pulled out of the cupboards and frowned. Ari wouldn't eat any of it.
Embarrassment flooded Will's face and neck.
"Please, let me help," Sonny pleaded.
Will shook his head.
"No," Will licked his lips.
Will recalled his conversation with his mom earlier. He would get through this.
So, Will wiped his face and began putting everything back in the cupboards. He found an Ari-approved meal and pretended he couldn't feel Sonny's eyes on him.
"Here," Will put Ari's plate on the table. He lifted Ari over the back of the couch and into her high chair. "I'll get you some more water."
"Aren't you going to eat?" Sonny asked Will.
"I'm not hungry," Will answered as he filled Ari's sippy cup. "I can make you a sandwich if you want. Since that's the only thing I'm good at."
"You know that isn't true," Sonny pressed. "Will, you're good at so many things."
"Then why did you-?" Will couldn't finish the sentence.
Sonny looked at Will for a few moments, heart breaking.
Will set his jaw, returning to Ari's side.
After Ari finished her dinner, Will swept her into the bathroom for a bath. He all but slammed the door in Sonny's face.
Normally, Ari's baths only took twenty minutes. But tonight, Will let it drag on for close to an hour. He would add more bubbles, more warm water. He would do anything to not have to walk out that door and see Sonny again.
Sonny with his sad eyes and miserable expression. Will was weak. He knew that sooner or later he would let his guard down. He couldn't let that happen this time. Not yet and maybe not ever.
After Ari was dried and dressed, Will put her to bed. The extra-long bath relaxed her and she fell asleep before her story finished.
"I'll do better for you," Will promised Ari's angelic, sleeping form. "I promise."
Sonny paced the entire time Will and Ari were locked in the bathroom. He tried to focus his thoughts. He had to explain to Will everything that he felt and knew. He was almost thankful for the extra-long time as he was able to focus.
As soon as he saw Will come out of Ari's room, Sonny launched into a speech.
"I have never regretted anything so much in my life as what I did," Sonny revealed. "Knowing that I hurt you, that I didn't respect you makes me feel like the worst human being alive."
Will crossed his arms, shoulders hunching together.
"But I've always loved you," Sonny guaranteed. "The first moment I saw you," Sonny smiled just thinking about it. "I thought you were, god, gorgeous. When I saw you it was like I finally saw someone, really saw them. You were so beautiful and young and, and I knew I was going to love you."
Will curled his arms even tighter around himself.
"Getting to know you," Sonny shook his head. "I would have been just your friend for the rest of my life and been satisfied. I wanted you for so long. I loved you for so long. Long before you ever even thought about coming out.
"I told you I wasn't a monk before we dated," Sonny continued. "And maybe I held onto some feelings for my ex that I shouldn't have. Maybe in the beginning," Sonny swallowed. He knew this would be painful but Will deserved the truth. "I might have compared the situations. I wanted you and I to have everything I never had with him. But I promise you I have never loved anyone the way I love you.
"I asked him," Sonny still couldn't bring himself to say Paul's name to Will. "To marry me, yes. But it wasn't the same. It was to keep him, a way to get him to prove that I was important, more important than anything else. With you, with you I wanted to marry you because I love you. It wasn't for show. It wasn't about my wounded ego. You were lying in that hospital bed and I knew it. I knew I had to be with you forever. Even when you said no, I wanted to be with you. I would have been with you regardless, without a wedding. When he told me no that was it. You told me no and I would have waited for the rest of my life."
Will bowed his head. He didn't want Sonny seeing him cry again.
"What I did," Sonny honestly explained. "Was awful and the worst thing I ever could have done to you. I just, I didn't want the responsibility anymore. I wanted to be young and single, carefree. You weren't here and I was lonely, messed up. I wanted to satisfy my own curiosity over what could have been with him.
"I didn't care about hurting you when I did it," Sonny powered through even when Will let out a broken sob. "I didn't care about our family. I didn't care about your childhood or how insecure I knew you were. I had several opportunities to tell you the truth and I never took them. And I get to live with the consequences for the rest of my life.
"Just," Sonny's own tears finally began to fall. "Just don't think this was your fault. It isn't. It never could be. I'll do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness. I'll wait forever if I have to. I can't give up on you. I never could."
Sonny smiled despite the situation. "I waited over a year for you before; I'll wait as long as I have to now."
Will nodded, barely able to contain his whimpers.
That night when Sonny fell asleep on the sofa, he felt certain he had made some progress. It never once crossed his mind that he should have explained exactly who his ex-boyfriend was. As far as Sonny knew, that would only make Will feel even worse.
Author's note:
Thanks for reading!