Alex woke before dawn, her body ablaze with the most wonderful feeling. Bobby's hands, his beautiful, busy hands, roamed over her body, caressing, fondling, coaxing her gently toward a delicious release. She trembled, making soft noises that encouraged him to continue. She couldn't remember the last time he'd woken her this way, and she surrendered to him with abandon.
When she came back to herself, he was on his side, head propped on his hand, watching her. She couldn't make out his features in the pre-dawn glow that was beginning to fill the room, but she could imagine his expression. Her mind could see that self-satisfied smirk he wore when he knew he'd done something good, something right. She leaned closer and kissed him. "I'll be right back," she promised.
When she returned from the bathroom, the room was a little brighter, and he was on his back, arms folded under his head, waiting. She crawled back in beside him and snuggled against him, resting her head on his shoulder. He curled his arm around her and kissed her head. "I, uhm, I think it's a bad idea, Alex." he said softly as he caressed her back.
"What's a bad idea?" she replied, her mind still somewhat foggy with sleep and desire.
"Continuing the discussion we were having last night."
"So why did you start talking about it with me at all?"
"My mind was a little...uhm, fuzzy. It's too easy for me to...lose track of myself when I'm like that."
"You told me more than you ever have before. Was that because you were...fuzzy?"
He thought about that before he answered, "No. That was because you asked and you weren't pissed at me. You didn't seem so threatened by the past while we were talking."
"Is it just the past I have to worry about?"
"Baby," he said softly, kissing her temple. "You have nothing to worry about."
She shifted, but she didn't move away from him. Instead, she turned further into his body. "I can't help how I feel, Bobby," she said gently.
"Can you at least explain it to me? I don't understand why you feel so threatened by her."
"Maybe it's because you proposed to her first. Or maybe it's because you've always been so close to her when you keep me at arm's length."
"But...I..." He paused to regroup. "When I proposed to her, I thought I would never have you. There was no reason for me to think that Ricky would ever go away. I was...I was just so tired of being lonely, of being all alone in my life. I wanted to share it with someone, and if it couldn't be you, she is the only other woman I was willing to spend the rest of my life with. I felt bad that I wasn't in love with her, and I felt she deserved better, but I would have moved heaven and earth to make her happy. I guess I'm lucky that she's smarter than I am about things like that because she turned me down."
"I don't understand that. She could have had it all."
He shook his head slowly. "No. Not everything. She knew I wasn't in love with her, that you were the one I really wanted. It wasn't fair, but it wasn't something I could help either. What I would have had with her would have been nice. It would have been comfortable. But what I have with you is...earth-shattering. Nothing else in the world could ever touch that. That best thing she ever did for me was the hardest thing for her to do. She said no."
"You don't regret that? Even now?"
He shifted his position so he could touch her easily with his free hand. He stroked her side. "I regret a lot of things. You know that. But where I am right now in my life and where I am right here, this second, no, I have no regrets. I know what I am capable of, and I could have had whatever I wanted in a woman whenever I wanted it. Blond, brunette, big breasts, long legs, tall, short...anything. I know how to turn on the charm and sweet talk a woman into my bed. You've always known that about me. I always loved Denise, but there has never been any fire between us. I need that fire. The passion and the chaos and..." He trailed off and regrouped. She could feel the need in him. "I need you. You bring all of that to me, and you draw it out of me. You satisfy every need I have. My life wants for nothing because you are in it. I look at other women—I won't deny that—but I don't want any other woman, not even a little. I only want you."
"But..."
He shook his head and placed a finger against her lips. "No 'buts'. That's all that matters, Alex. First and foremost, I love you. I love what we have with each other, what I have with you. I don't want anything from any other woman. I only want you. Second, I do love Denise but it's very different from the love I have for you. What we had as lovers was nice, but it's over. I have never cheated on you. Once your divorce was final, you were the only one for me. Before that, what I did, and who I did it with, was not any of your concern. Third, Denise is my friend and she is dying. Her life is now being measured in weeks. Soon it will be in days, then hours. I don't have much time to come to terms with that. Fighting with you about it will only make her death that much harder for me to deal with. I need your help, Alex. I can't handle irrational jealousy. You have to trust me or we will never make it. I trust you implicitly. I don't think I'm asking too much when I expect the same from you. I love you with all my heart. No one else even comes close. Believe in me, believe in that love, or there's no point."
"Love me or leave me?"
"I didn't quite put it in those words, but...if you can't trust me, then you need to move on. I don't think I ever gave you reason to doubt me, but if I did, then I need to know."
He was very serious. She read no deception in him. He did love her and he had always been faithful, from the very moment that fidelity was required of him. Before that, she didn't have any right to expect anything of him, and she had no right to demand anything of him while she remained married to another man. Her jealousy was matched only by the betrayal he felt when she married another man. Both emotions were very real—and very unfair. "I'll make a deal with you," she said, watching as he pulled back in surprise. Catching him off-guard was very empowering. "I will try to curb my jealousy if you stop feeling so betrayed because I married Ricky. That's not fair, either, you know. I had no idea how you felt about me until it was too late. Logan knew. I did not."
He gave that some consideration. "Can you stop being jealous of Mike? I can't live my life in a bubble with you at the center and no one else allowed in."
She paused to think about that. "Can you stop shutting me out?" she countered, unwilling to accept his terms without him accepting any of hers.
He sighed, a forlorn sound of defeat and surrender. "I always thought that love would be enough. I suppose that was a very juvenile expectation, but I never had anything concrete to base my expectations on. I need...time...time to adapt to what's expected of me. I've spent half a century becoming the man I am. You can't expect me to change that overnight. I will try, I promise. Just...please don't crucify me when I fail."
She knew that she'd been hard on him in the past, and again, her father's deathbed plea for her to be gentle with her husband returned to her. "Just talk to me, okay? I can't read you the way you can read the rest of the world. When you're struggling, I need to know. Talk to Mike first, I don't care. As long as you come to me and tell me what's going on in that wonderful, complicated head of yours. Bobby, I love you so much. I don't want this marriage to fail. I want to spend the rest of my life right here, with you. But that's only going to happen if we both work at it. I agree—we have to trust each other, and I promise to try harder not to drive you away."
He rolled onto his side and pulled her to him, holding her close as he buried his face in her hair. He nuzzled her ear. "Me, too," he whispered. "I don't want to fail at this. I've screwed up so much in my life. I don't want to add this to the list."
She slipped her arms around him. "Do you want to know what I see when I look at you?"
He paused in his exploration of her neck. "Uh...I'm not sure."
She smiled as she tenderly stroked the back of his neck. "I see a man full of contrasts. I see a man arrogant with confidence, yet sometimes so uncertain he can hardly take another breath. I see a man filled with love for others yet brimming with self-hate. I see a man I don't know how to help who needs me to survive. Tell me what to do."
He pulled back a little. "I wish I knew what to tell you. I haven't figured it out myself."
"So let's work on it together. You don't have to do it all by yourself any more, Bobby. I don't think you understand that."
"It's not that. I just...I don't know how to not do it by myself. I have no idea how to share the burden. I've never done that before."
"Then it's about time you learned how."
"Suppose I can't learn?"
She brushed her lips over his. "That is not an option," she said with certainty.
Her mouth covered his, silencing any further protests. In the glow of the early morning dawn, she shattered his uncertainty with love.
Maggie held tightly to her father's hand. She had been at Denise's apartment plenty of times in the past. Maggie loved her very much, and she always loved to visit her. Denise was special to her father, but she was special to her as well. All her life, Denise's love and gentleness had been a source of great warmth that she found nowhere else.
But something had changed. Maggie still felt the warmth and love as they entered the apartment that was so familiar and yet, now, so strange. Somehow, Maggie could sense Denise's illness...and she knew. Heaven was waiting for Denise, and it wouldn't wait much longer. Very soon, the angels would come for her as they had for Grampa. She simply knew that this was good-bye. She would never see Denise again, and that made her heart very sad.
Bobby knocked lightly on the bedroom door. Maggie gripped his hand more tightly and he looked down at her as the door opened. He was surprised to see Mike on the other side of the doorway. Mike gave him a sheepish grin. "I got here first," he offered.
Bobby gave him a meaningful look as Maggie tugged on his hand, pulling him gently into the room. He let her lead him to the bed. Mike reached out as Bobby passed him and rested a hand gently on his friend's back. Bobby looked at him again, but only for a moment.
Maggie stopped at the bedside and raised herself up on tiptoes to look at Denise. Gently, Bobby leaned down and lifted his little girl up onto the bed. Maggie grasped her hand. "Tommy didn' come," she said softly. "He wouldn' unnerstand."
Denise smiled at the child and tightened her hand around Maggie's. "What wouldn't he understand, honey?"
"That it's time to say good-bye."
Bobby choked on nothing and Mike raised his eyebrows in surprise. Denise did not divert her full attention from the little girl at her side. "What did Daddy tell you?" she asked.
Maggie released her hand long enough to crawl across the soft, king-sized mattress so that she could snuggle her little self right up against Denise. She curled her small hand around Denise's again. "Daddy telled me that you're sick. And that your baby is gonna come soon."
"That's all?"
Maggie nodded. "That's all."
"Have you overheard Daddy talking to Mommy or Uncle Mike?"
"Sometimes."
"About me?"
Maggie searched her memory as the two men shifted uncomfortably. If she was anything, Maggie was honest, and if she had heard her parents fight or Mike trying to make it right between them, she was likely to tell Denise what she heard, just because she asked. After a few tense moments, Maggie answered, "I heard some stuff. Mommy doesn' like for Daddy to be sad, and there's been too much to make him sad. Daddy doesn' do so good bein' sad."
"Out of the mouths of babes," Mike muttered softly.
Bobby's arm lashed out to smack him. "Shut up," he hissed.
Ignoring them, Denise nodded at Maggie. "Yes, you're right about that."
"Grampa went to Heaven," Maggie said sadly.
Warm tears filled Denise's eyes. "Yes, I heard. I'm so sorry. Your parents loved him very much, and I know you did, too."
She nodded. "I al'ays loved Grampa, and I al'ays will. Heaven's a happier place with him there."
For the first time since Bobby had set Maggie up on the bed, Denise looked at him. In his face, she saw a measure of the grief he attempted to hide from the world. When he noticed that she was looking at him, though, his expression became more neutral and the grief was gone. She turned her attention back to Maggie. "Tell me why you think this is good-bye, baby," she encouraged.
"B'fore Grampa went with the angels, heaven was waiting for him. Heaven is waiting for you now."
Denise studied Maggie's solemn face and gently brushed a curl back off her forehead as she had often done in the past to Bobby when he needed to have a serious talk with her. She laid her hand on Maggie's cheek and smiled. Her expression reflected the pure love she felt for the little girl. "You are so much like your daddy," she said softly. "You're so observant and so loving."
Maggie reached out and placed her hand on Denise's round belly. The baby kicked at her hand, and Denise smiled. "He does that to your daddy, too."
Maggie giggled a little. "He likes us!"
"Yes, he does."
Maggie focused on the baby for a few minutes. "What's gonna happen when you go to heaven? Who's gonna take care-a your baby?"
"Don't worry about the baby, honey. We're going to find the perfect person to take care of him."
Maggie considered that for a minute but offered no argument, to her father's relief. Maggie changed her position again, stretching out to lay beside Denise. She rested her head on Denise's shoulder and stretched her arm across her chest in a gentle embrace. Denise held her in return, and she looked up at Bobby, whose expression was still guarded. But she could feel the tension rolling off him in waves. This was a visit that had to happen, one she wanted to have, but it was so hard for him.
Her loving heart filled with worry for the gentle man she had loved for so many years. He was not coping well with the changes in his world, and that was putting a strain on his marriage, which was still in its infancy. She hated adding to his burden, something she had taken pains to avoid over the years. But there was nothing she could do for him now, no way for her to spare him this pain.
She tightened her arms around Maggie and she wondered if the little girl who had saved him just by being born would be able to work her magic again to save him from himself.