Ups… So I ended up doing an angsty chapter. Sorry for that! Angst is not my thing, not at all. But I think, in this case, it was necessary. It's very unlikely to happen often, I promise :)

Again, thank you for reviewing ^^

Ps. I don't own glee! I wish.

Kurt was feeling a little frantic these days. The nursing centre had brought Sebastian back into his life – and, along with the former Warbler, some identity issues Kurt used to have under control had made a comeback too.

Sebastian had stated it: "You've changed… You're boring now". Sebastian's words had merely planted the seed, but Kurt could see it now: at first, he had been so sure of having changed for the better… Now he realised that, in his desperate and abnegated attempt to change some parts of himself, he had also been letting go of some others parts unintentionally. Needless to say, realising he hadn't been in control of which parts he was losing, was making Kurt a little anxious.

The worst part was feeling unable to share any of that with his friends, or even his fiancé. How would they react if they knew Kurt was going through an identity crisis because of something Sebastian had said? Just because of two random meetings! Oh, and here was the top of the cake: if Sebastian's words were having such an impact on Kurt, maybe that meant he had judged Sebastian prematurely back in the day.

A few days passed and this endless monologue was all Kurt could think of. So he made a resolution: the new and improved Kurt Hummel was done with assuming or guessing. Therefore he only had two options left: forget the hell about it, or find out for real.

One afternoon at Elliot's, the eclectic boy caught Kurt completely spaced out:

"… and you're not listening to a word I'm saying, huh?" Elliot asked him, more amused than upset.

Kurt simply heard the tone and guessed Elliot was asking for reassurance to continue on his rant about Freddie Mercury's last days. "Yeah, I know what you mean" he said, then kept on minding his own thoughts.

"Got ya!" Elliot accused him, and stood up laughing, walking to the kitchen.

"Oh… hey, wait! Where are you going?" Kurt stood up himself and started apologising. "I'm sorry Elliot, I did that again, didn't I?" he asked innocently, but looked full of regret. Elliot chuckled and patted his back.

"It's okay, Kurt. I'm just gonna grab a couple of beers… sounds like a plan to you?" Elliot asked kindly.

Kurt pondered it. While a beer might not be his go-to drink, it was still a drink, and boy, could he use a drink. "Well it does, kind sir" Kurt conceded.

Elliot made it back from the kitchen and passed Kurt a bottle. He hardly ever drank beer and, for a moment, Kurt didn't think he remembered what having the cold liquid going down his throat felt like. He took a sip and was surprised to feel wonderful. Wow, he didn't even remember beer making him feel that good.

It was probably a stupid association, but he had always linked beer with his dad and Finn, and sangria with Carole and himself. Then Kurt realised he was looking up, as if thinking there was a way his late step-brother could be watching him right now, either from "heaven" of from some odd spiritual dimension. He smiled and said:

"Cheers, buddy" and took a sip again, taking appreciation of the taste instead of making a disgusted face like he used to.

Elliot witnessed the toast but simply nodded and took a sip himself – he could tell Kurt was not toasting with him, so he let the boy have his moment.

"So… you wanna talk about it?" Elliot waited for a response, but seeing that Kurt's mouth remained still, he added: "Aren't things going better with Blaine?" Elliot asked, voice full of caution.

Kurt was surprised to hear this. "What-? No!" he answered, looking quite certain, but then remembered his opening night, and got tense. "I mean… Ah, I don't even know anymore, Elliot" he said frankly, then added, "I think we are stuck, but it might be just me" Kurt confessed.

"Meaning that… you don't think Blaine has realised it yet, or that it might be just you the one who's feeling stuck?" Elliot inquired. Kurt had to give it to him, the boy was perceptive.

"Ha" Kurt took the question in. "You're good, Elliot Starchild, you're good" Kurt admitted.

Elliot rolled his eyes at him. "Well, you'd think after all these months I might be starting to know you, right?" he smiled.

"I wouldn't think less" Kurt conceded, returning the smile. Then considered his next words "I don't know" Kurt said. "It might be both, you know? Blaine being on denial and me being… unable to do anything about it" Kurt felt incredibly sad, sadder than he had felt in weeks, actually. "Anyway, I don't think there's any use in discussing this, to be honest. That's not what I wanted to talk about, actually" Kurt quickly changed the subject, and he wasn't sure why: the truth was he had been distracted that afternoon because of Sebastian, not Blaine, but he also didn't want to talk about Blaine – like, at all. It was getting tiring, and old.

"Okay" Elliot said, unsure. "If you don't want to talk about Blaine right now, that's fine, Kurt" he assured him. "But please, do me a favour?" Elliot asked, looking concerned. "Talk to someone else. Don't bottle it up and avoid the issue… that'll be worse, trust me."

Kurt took notice of Elliot's concern and felt a little guilty. He took his advice and made a mental note to talk about Blaine eventually, no matter the effort.

"Noted" Kurt said, "I will". Then took another sip to help himself carry on. "Okay, so there's this" he paused, unsure, "thing I've had on my mind lately, and it's been driving me a little nuts, really, it has been" he gulped down. "Okay, so I'm just gonna ask you…" Kurt was feeling quite vulnerable. "You think I'm too judgmental?" There, it was out. "Please, be honest" Kurt ended.

Elliot looked taken aback. "I mean…" he paused. "You did prejudge me quite fast, that's true…" Elliot mused. "But I can't conclude from my case that you're always like that… can I?"

Kurt could notice that the boy in front of him was trying to be gentle. He chuckled. "You can say it: I was a total bitch to you when you first auditioned for our band." They both laughed for a moment.

Kurt continued. "Actually, that's the thing, see… I'm realising just now that I'm always like that, and it's just so…" Kurt felt exasperated. "Oh my, it's so freaking exhausting to have yet another thing to add to the pile of stuff I have to work on, you know?" Kurt looked exhausted indeed. "It's not nice realising you're not who you think you are, or… worse, who you're trying to be, 'cause, right now?" Kurt took another sip. "… I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore" he ended the rant, and feared having said too much. Where is this coming from? Kurt wondered.

"Kurt, I'm not sure anybody ever knows who they are" Elliot explained, trying to soothe him. "That's like… a lifelong quest, so you can't let it hover you like that. It's pointless" Elliot said, but then tried not to be so cynical. "What I'm saying is that you need to slow down a bit, and take it easy. You don't know who you are and that's perfectly fine. I don't think we are nothing but what we desperately try to be".

"Wow…" Kurt mused. "That makes sense" he could feel himself relaxing a little.

Elliot continued. "And also-, well, about what I just said, I don't think that's a personal opinion of mine. I think that's just, like, universal" he smiled, "but I do believe – like, being totally subjective now, okay? That you need to redefine what 'working on yourself' implies" Elliot suggested.

"What do you mean?" Kurt asked, vulnerability creeping up his chest again.

"That I do like your perseverance, Kurt; this aim you have of constantly trying to be better? It's like – unreal" Elliot smiled, then continued. "But you need to remember that, well, life is also about accepting yourself for who you are… and your flaws are a part of it" Elliot said.

Kurt wondered. "You're saying I should not try to fight my flaws?" Kurt hesitated, realising this statement was in conflict with everything he had worked on for the last three years. He panicked a little at the thought.

"It's not a bad thing. Especially since your flaws have nothing to do with being a horrible person or a serial killer, you know?" Elliot chuckled. "Your flaws are just… so human, Kurt. Keep them. We can all be a little judgmental sometimes."

"When the hell did you get this wise? I'm at awe here!" Kurt smiled kindly, mesmerised by all the considerations he had to take in. He had been looking at the picture from the wrong angle all along! "Wow. I've been clueless, haven't I?" Kurt realised.

"No, you've just been blinded by your own good nature" Elliot chuckled.

"Well, maybe it's time for my instincts to show, then" Kurt said, thinking back about Sebastian's words the other day. Sebastian's way to put it had been somehow rougher, more direct and self-explanatory, but ultimately the boy had meant the same.

"May I ask what had you thinking about all of this? I mean, what triggered it?" Elliot's curiosity made an appearance.

Not what, but who, Kurt thought, surprised enough himself. "I came across an old acquaintance of mine" Kurt explained, "and I found him quite changed. So… either I rushed to judge him on the past, or he's changed so much that I'd even consider aliens abduction and subsequent brain transplant" Kurt joked.

"Could be both" Elliot offered, amused.

/

The rest of the week went by smoothly. After that conversation at Elliot's, something had clicked inside Kurt, and it was like a long time missed piece of him had been put back into place. At least, that's how it felt at first.

Then… life happened. And life had this tendency of putting everyone in his place, even if they didn't want to. Kurt remembered that quote about people being creatures of habit, and realised he had this habit of being obliging way too deepened on his skin.

Somehow, behaving any differently that he'd been doing for ages turned out to be extremely hard. It felt wrong, and Kurt was really saddened to realise how wrong being himself felt.

The following week, the smoothness was nowhere to be seen. And all the clicks on Kurt's brain had started to vanish.

"Blaine… you'd say I've changed?" Kurt asked out of nothing one Wednesday while they were having lunch on the NYADA facilities. He caught Blaine with a mouth full of ravioli staring at him confused. "I mean, over the years" Kurt added. "You'd say I'm different now from how I was when we first started dating?" Kurt explained.

Blaine swallowed his food. "Yeah. Absolutely" he simply answered, then went for another full spoon.

It disturbed Kurt. The calmed way his boyfriend had stated it. Kurt was not the same person he was when they first fell in love and that was… all right? No biggie?

"That doesn't unsettle you?" Kurt asked, astonished. How could Blaine keep on loving him if he wasn't the same?

"What?- No!" Blaine swallowed violently to give Kurt a reply and had to cough hard. "Whatever you're thinking, I didn't mean it that way" he rushed to add.

Of course, Kurt thought. God forbid Blaine might say something unsettling. "I know I've changed, Blaine" Kurt stated, looking away. How could Blaine stand it? Didn't Blaine miss the person he fell in love with? Kurt felt almost guilty for having deprived Blaine of that person for so long.

"Kurt" Blaine looked almost touched, and that made Kurt felt somehow patronised. "You've changed for the better" he said then, and Kurt widened his eyes in shock.

"What?" that wasn't what Kurt wanted to hear. Granted, he wasn't entirely sure of what he wanted to hear. But it wasn't that. That couldn't be right. How could Blaine say that?

"I mean it, Kurt. You're this wonderfully kind person now. A good friend to your friends, a good boyfriend to me" Blaine smiled, indulging. Kurt could tell his boyfriend thought that was what Kurt wanted to hear.

Kurt couldn't bring himself to smile back. In fact, he very much wanted to cry. "You're saying this- person I am now, it's better… for the others?" he finally asked, hoping to have misunderstood his fiancé completely.

"Yeah" Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand. Kurt couldn't take it.

"But what about me? It doesn't matter if it's not better for me?" Kurt snapped, angry now.

"Why wouldn't it better for you, Kurt?" Blaine asked truly. He was obviously not following Kurt's thought process. "You're much nicer now, much gentler, much more… peaceful" Blaine kept telling him, but Kurt would not have it, so he cut Blaine.

"Unbelievable" Kurt stood up. "You realise what you're saying, Blaine?" Kurt demanded, but didn't wait for an answer. "You're saying, for starters, that you couldn't care less that I'm not the same person you fell in love with. What's more, that the person I originally was, somehow wasn't gentle enough, or good enough - nor for you, nor for my friends" Kurt gulped down violently, angry as he could feel some tears making his way down his cheeks. Dammit, not now! I'm not trying to be a drama queen now! "But the worst part is, that I don't matter. Not at all. What matters is how I behave towards you, or my friends." Kurt gathered his stuff. "Well, congratulations: you've turned me into a domesticated and obliging cat, isn't that just great?" he remarked with irony, and didn't grant his boyfriend a second to interrupt him.

Blaine was witnessing the whole storm out with terror, trying to grab Kurt hands every time the boy took them away. "I'm everything you wanted me to be right from the very moment we met at Dalton: less loud, less noticeable, less bitchy, less… Less me! – I didn't changed, Blaine Anderson, you changed me!" he screamed now, and he felt indeed like a drama queen. Thank God they were alone and no students were to be seen.

Blaine looked terrified of him, unable to make the slightest move or sound. Kurt immediately regretted his actions. Why had he taken it out on his fiancé? His lover, his partner? Kurt had blamed Blaine for everything that was wrong with him lately, for this identity crisis he was going through. That wasn't fair.

Kurt dropped his things and immediately went for a hug with Blaine, who was crying now. He didn't remember feeling more miserable in his life.

"I'm so sorry, Blaine. I'm so sorry" he sobbed, loud, desperate, trying to grab the smaller boy with all his strengths, a boy that felt smaller on his arms than he had ever felt. Kurt realised he had been the one to make Blaine feel that small.

Blaine felt overwhelmed by the whole scene, in a bad way, mostly, but he returned the hug anyway. "Shh, it's okay, Kurt" Blaine said and hugged him tight, with everything he had. "Just let it out" he said. And Kurt did just that.

/

"Some parts of it you meant, right?" Blaine asked Kurt with so much crudeness that Kurt felt unable to lie. Would lying make things better? They had come so far now…

After Kurt's big scene, the two boys had decided that a serious conversation was in order, so they were now at Kurt's apartment. It felt cathartic, but also… dangerous. Kurt didn't even know what he wanted to say – and kept fearing to make another dramatic speech again.

"Blaine, don't…" Kurt started, but then saw the look on his boyfriend's eyes. It said Blaine knew. There was no use to mislead him. "I guess" Kurt sighed.

"May I ask you…" Blaine was extremely serious, and that was making Kurt freak out. "How long have you felt this way? Like, I don't know, like I've turned you into… this person you dislike so much?" the boy asked with utter honesty.

Kurt felt miserable again. "I meant some parts of it, Blaine, but not that one" he said. But Kurt knew that wasn't enough, so he continued. "That was… so selfish of me, I'm sorry. I blamed you for every conscious choice of character I've made and… I'm the one in charge of myself. If I'm a mess… then there's no one else to blame but…" Kurt stopped, feeling a sob coming.

"Kurt… I'm not gonna take the blame for the decisions you regret, I agree with that" Blaine said. "But all these changes you're talking about… I mean, maybe I was the one to plant the… maybe our relationship made you think you needed to change – ah, I don't even know" Blaine hold his head on his hands, looking down.

"Okay, if we're being completely honest… and I want us to be honest, because I don't want this conversation to ever happen again" Kurt said, "then yes. I can't deny that. I always felt, from the start, like – if I wanted this relationship to work, I'd have to make some major changes" Kurt continued. "I think it all started back at the Warblers".

"Oh" Blaine brought his head up and stared at Kurt. "Kurt! All those tips and directions I gave you… they were only for performing!" Blaine looked terrified. "I- I never thought you'd take it personally".

Kurt took a deep breath. That sounded dishonest to him. But Blaine had the right to believe that. "I know you think you were simply talking about performing, but I was a teenager, Blaine" he paused. "It didn't feel that way… you must understand, well, that I was head over heels with you – like, so crazy" Kurt chuckled. "How could I not take it to heart? I wanted to impress you so bad" Kurt smiled, but Blaine's eyes were nothing but amused.

"You're… I don't think you realise, Kurt, but you keep using the past tense and it's freaking me out" Blaine eyes looked watery.

Kurt had not realised that, and he suddenly felt overwhelmed. He could not find it in him to try and console Blaine. Kurt was freaking out too.

"I mean… earlier, you also kept saying "when we fell in love" and… I don't get it. I still fall for you" Blaine explained. "I didn't know that feeling was in the past for you" Blaine added in a weak tone.

"I think you're reading too much into my words" Kurt said, but it didn't sound as certain as he had wanted it to sound.

"Yeah… I don't know about that" Blaine stood up. "God, I knew we were not doing well lately, you know? That I've been clingy, that you were having a hard time letting me into your life in New York… But this, Kurt, this is… This is not how two lovers should feel".

Kurt could not respond. He agreed with Blaine, but didn't have the guts to say it aloud. Blaine stared at him, looking for something on his eyes, but then grabbed his stuff and left.