Thank you for reading ^^ I don't own glee!
It'd been almost two weeks since Kurt's last visit to the Lexington Home, and four long days since he had last seen or spoken to Blaine.
Kurt could not say where they stood now, but… Come on! Broken up? That sounds way too dramatic... right? He kept repeating himself.
On the fifth day of the silence treatment Kurt's anxiety was reaching its highest. Why he kept expecting Blaine to approach him, Kurt didn't know. He figured Blaine would come around – after all, it'd been Blaine the one to storm out the apartment.
Blaine's attendance to NYADA remained a mystery. Kurt had not come across him even once. Granted, they didn't have any common subject this semester. But come on! The boy had to eat, or use the bathroom… didn't he?
But even if Kurt had caught him between classes, he would've not known what to do. So, in a way, he was actually relieved.
On the sixth day, Kurt was making his way towards the nursing centre when he spotted Sebastian at the front door of Lexington. He approached Sebastian's back, but then realised the boy was on the phone.
"… I know, handsome, but I'm not in Manhattan right this moment" Sebastian said. Kurt knew he should walk away, not listen to people's private conversations and all that things… But somehow he was feeling unable to move his feet. "You know what? I don't think I like them so clingy" Sebastian said harshly, irritated. "Good. See you then" he hung up.
Sebastian turned around to see Kurt staring right at him, which made Kurt blushed hard.
"We're eavesdropping now" Sebastian observed, amused. That made Kurt snapped.
"God, you're so full of yourself. I simply got here right now" Kurt bit back, more annoyed at himself for his nosiness and blushing than at the other boy's remark.
"Sure, sure…" Sebastian dismissed Kurt like he was dealing with a little kid. "So Kurt, let me ask you something" Sebastian's smirk was on. "See, I know why I am here. But what is this weird fetish you have with old people?" Sebastian asked, faking intrigue.
"You asshole!" Kurt mind-slapped Sebastian, and casted him a bitchy glare. "I'm not a fetishist!" he protested. "These old people, as you like to call them, happen to be my friends." Kurt realised that wasn't helping. And blushed a little further. Sebastian was chuckling. "I mean, not like my only friends. You know I have more friends, so you know that's not wha-"
Sebastian was laughing. "Aren't you sweet. Well, go make some friends" Sebastian smirked, and turned around to leave, but then thought it better. "And for your information, Hummel, there's nothing wrong with being a fetishist" he stared at Kurt seriously, but amused, something only Sebastian managed to pull off in a single facial expression (Kurt had noticed this with jealousy… he wanted to be an actor, after all!). "It just depends on the fetish, of course" Sebastian smiled suggestively.
Kurt felt patronised. He suddenly remembered the time Sebastian ordered him a Shirley Temple on Scandals and got furious. He was not a prude. "Right, you'd know about that, right meerkat?" Kurt asked sarcastically. "I see some things do not change" he stated with malice, thinking about the phone call he'd just listened. "Go attend your booty call".
Sebastian kept smirking at Kurt, but took a step towards him. Here we go again with the personal space issue, Kurt thought. "Damn right I know" Sebastian stated, a little more serious now. "You're free to repress yourself and I'm free to do otherwise. Judge all you want" Sebastian smiled, but didn't look so kind or genuine this time. Then he turned around again and started walking.
That hit a nerve on Kurt. Judging. Sebastian. Again.
"Sebastian, wait!" Kurt shouted. "I didn't mean to judge you!" Kurt found himself saying before he could realised it. That made Sebastian cast him a confused look. Kurt approached him. "Really, I…" Kurt rubbed his own forehead. "God, Sebastian, you make it so hard for me to be nice to you…" he admitted, exhausted.
Sebastian regarded the other boy for a moment. "God, you're embarrassing, Hummel" he finally said, pretending to feel awkward. Kurt looked up, annoyed at first, but then realised Sebastian was joking. It helped, because Kurt relaxed a little, and found himself smiling.
"I know, right?" Kurt conceded. "But you can't be surprised" he joked himself. "After all, you've seen me perform in a harness pretending to be some cross between Madonna and Peter Pan. Plus! Surrounded by elderly people" Kurt chuckled.
Sebastian laughed. "Well, I wouldn't exactly catalogue that as embarrassing" Sebastian faked doubting. "Mmh, maybe it'd fit better in the hot stuff catalogue" Sebastian bluntly admitted, smirk never off.
Sebastian looked serious and that sent a chill down Kurt's spine. Hot. Sebastian thought Kurt looked hot on the harness. Was he hallucinating?
"Oh! Good one" Kurt finally said, deciding Sebastian was still joking. He had to be. "I almost believed that" Kurt laughed.
Sebastian looked uncertain. "Wow, Hummel. Just… wow" Sebastian stopped himself from chuckling. "I mean – I knew you were restrained, but are you actually that restrained that you didn't realise it was a compliment?" Sebastian asked, intrigued, and took yet another step closer.
Kurt's saliva got thick and stuck on his throat. He definitely didn't see that coming. "Oh" he simply repeated, and felt dumb enough. They stared at each other for a second, then Kurt regained himself. "Well, it's not every day that I got to hear a compliment from Sebastian Smythe himself" Kurt tried to crack a joke, awkwardly. "Can't blame me for that" he looked down. God, what am I, five? Then forced himself to keep the eye contact.
Sebastian's eyes got dark with resolution, or so read Kurt. "I always speak up my mind, Kurt" the boy paused, getting slightly closer. "For the better, or for the worse…" Kurt gulped down, trying to get rid of that annoying nod on his throat. "… Therefore, if I see rudeness, I acknowledge it" Sebastian stopped, just to make sure he got Kurt's full attention. "And if I see hotness, I do just as much" Sebastian explained, getting dangerously closer now. Kurt could not bring himself to step back, though. "I'm not one to repress myself, but you already know that, don't you?" he asked in a rough low voice that was making Kurt blush again.
Kurt realised he wasn't breathing, and opened his mouth to catch some air. What the hell is going on? He thought. He hadn't felt this arousal in a long time. Hell, he had never felt that arousal because of a voice.
Sebastian was staring right at him, expecting, but Kurt was speechless. He was feeling so nervous that he briefly feared a stroke coming. But Sebastian took a step back, eventually.
"If I say you looked hot on the harness, then you oughta believe me, Kurt" Sebastian actually smiled at him. And Kurt felt his insides exploding.
Why was he feeling that way? Had he never been told he was hot? Well, certainly not that way. Sebastian managed to make himself sound unquestionable. It was… sexy, Kurt realised.
"Thank you" Kurt whispered so low that it was almost unnoticeable. He passed a hand through his hair, nervously, but forced himself to return the smile. Smiling at Sebastian made Kurt feel so awkward that he suddenly heard his whole body telling him to run away from there. "So, ahem, I'm just- I'm gonna… go inside" he cleared his throat and took a hold on the front door, to back up his decision.
"All right" Sebastian commented, taking another step back.
"Oh, you're not…? I mean" Goddammit, Hummel, put your shit together! Kurt desperately demanded himself, "you're not coming along?" he managed to formulate.
"I'm leaving, actually" Sebastian's voice and eyes seemed to be normal again. "I just had lunch with my grandma" the boy explained.
"Oh" Kurt said for the fourth time that afternoon but tried not to make a big deal about it. Not right now, at least. "That's sweet" Sweet? Damn it! Kurt's nervousness was making him say stupid random things.
Sebastian chuckled. "Sweet, right" he rolled his eyes. "Well, you'll have to do without my sweetness" the boy winked, clearly joking. "And without my car."
"Get over yourself" Finally, Kurt breathed out, relieved. He was finally feeling at ease. He folded his arms for dramatic effect. "You're actually doing me a favour - you're a terrible driver, meerkat."
"Ouch, and here I was thinking we were over the nicknames phase now…" Sebastian smirked. "See you around, Kurt" Sebastian replied amused and this time left for good.
There was something wrong with Sebastian calling Kurt by his name. It unsettled him, somehow.
The whole afternoon Kurt had to pretend that he was paying attention to Edna and Maggie. Not that the old ladies would notice, since they talked non-stop, but that didn't make it better. At first, Kurt was actually thankful to have something different to think about for a change, since he had been torturing his brain with images of happier times with Blaine for the last few days. But then he kept realising it was Sebastian he was thinking about, and had to make a huge effort not to freak out.
I haven't got laid for weeks, Kurt thought. That might be it.
He would keep telling himself that for days.
/
On the ninth freaking day of Blaine's silence treatment Kurt was losing it.
"You just don't disappear from your fiancé's life! You just don't!" he cried out exasperated to a very silent and freaked out Rachel and Santana. "We didn't break up! We didn't even finish the conversation! This is insane!" Kurt stormed out.
"It is" Santana whispered to Rachel, who giggled silently but stood up, then approached Kurt.
"Okay, Kurt, you need to calm down now" Rachel suggested. "I'm starting to be worried about you!" she cried out dramatically when Kurt did nothing but kept on pacing the living room.
"Jeez, you're both so damn dramatic" Santana snapped. The latina girl stood up too and went to grab her phone. "I'm ordering some pizza. You guys in?" she asked, casually.
Rachel looked at her astonished. "Santana!" she told her off. "How can you even think of food? Kurt's going through a crisis here!" the petite girl stated.
Santana rolled her eyes at Rachel and prepared to say something, but then Kurt cut her: "I'm actually a bit hungry, Rach" he said timidly. Should I not feel hungry when I'm sad? He wondered if there was something wrong with him.
"Of course you are, lady Hummel. You've been bitching out non-stop for two hours" Santana actually explained to him.
"I have not done such thing!" Kurt exclaimed, exasperated.
Rachel back him up "Of course you haven't Kurt" she said reassuringly, casting Santana an 'Is there a sensitive bone in your body?' look. "You've merely poured out your aching heart" Rachel continued and patted his back, making Kurt feel way too dramatic.
"I haven't-" but he couldn't find the strength to pretend. "I'm a drama queen" he realised and collapsed on the sofa. "What am I gonna do? I can't be like that if Blaine finally decides to talk to me again" Kurt told them.
"Finally, someone said it" Santana sighed, and her head got hit with a pillow. She found Rachel glaring at her. "Don't you ever get an eye-ache for that? Really, it looks exhausting" Santana emphasised with an attitude. Then looked at Kurt, whose mind seemed to be nowhere near the apartment.
"Kurt" Santana started. "I'm not saying the gnome doesn't have his reasons to ignore you, but enough with the mumbling around!" she exclaimed irritated. "Man up! Go talk to him. Stop waiting! God" she sighed again.
"Santana!" Rachel interfered. "Are you deaf? Kurt's said it a hundred times – he doesn't even know what to say to Blaine!"
"Okay, at some point of the two hours speech I had to log off, manhands" Santana casted her a bitchy glare. "No offence, Hummel, but your rants are getting old."
"They are" Kurt agreed, then stood up, "and you're right. I need to man up."
"Or lady up, if you will" Santana winked.
"Whatever" Kurt wasn't in the mood. "I'll know what to say the second I see him" Kurt grabbed his coat and keys.
"Okay then… good luck" Rachel ran towards him and hugged him hard. "Listen to your heart, Kurt. Be brave and don't let anything distract you from your point. Not even his puppy eyes" she said, stroking his hand.
Kurt wondered out loud. "What? Rachel, It's not like I'm gonna dump him" he rolled his eyes.
"You're not?" asked Rachel and Santana simultaneously, then looked at each other with clear disgust. They preferred to disagree.
"What-?! No! What made you think that?" Kurt asked, outraged.
"Emm… you?" Santana asked cautiously. "Have you heard yourself for the last nine days? God" she said.
That put a stop to Kurt's nervousness. How come he had implied that? Why did the girls realise, but not him? Was he on denial about his relationship? He grabbed his phone and left, anyway.
/
Kurt phoned Blaine and they agreed to meet at their favourite diner. It was a little and cosy place they used to go when NYADA was too crowded or the Spotlight reminded Kurt too much of work.
They made the typical exchanges: hello, how you've been, did you read that story on Broadwayworld-dotcom? And Kurt was surprised to see how easy it was to get back to normal between the two of them. It was peaceful and it felt like home.
"I've been thinking about the other day" Blaine suddenly said half an hour later, and Kurt knew the unspoken truce was over. "And… I realised that we only talked about how you're feeling" Blaine said. "I don't resent that, really, I think it was necessary. But now I also feel like I need to say how I'm feeling too. I mean, it's only fair, right?" Blaine said, no harshness on his voice or eyes, but sincerity.
Kurt took a long sip of his beer. Funnily enough, beer had suddenly become a recurrent whim of his. "All right. I'm listening" Kurt promised, feeling a little scared of what would come next.
"I think it's safe to say that I've failed to make you happy for a long time, Kurt" Blaine said, and Kurt opened up his mouth to cut him, but Blaine insisted. "But so have you" Blaine added quickly, to Kurt's surprise. Kurt let that sink in. "I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm just… stating the facts" the smaller boy explained. "I don't know how it happened, but we both failed to realise our relationship wasn't healthy."
"Wasn't" Kurt couldn't help but noticed the past tense, and mused it out loud.
"Please, let me finish" Blaine looked like he was doing a great effort to contain his pain, so Kurt decided to remain silent. "Apparently, ever since we first started dating, I made you believe I needed you to change for me. I assure you, Kurt, I've been oblivious to that" Blaine reached his hand over the table to take a hold on Kurt's. "But now, ever since I moved to New York, somehow, I ended up believing you wanted me to change too." Blaine seemed to be astonished. "I mean, how can that be healthy? We've turned into a couple that's done nothing but to try and change each other."
And there it was. The truth. Kurt knew it, and this time he needed to find the guts to agree. Otherwise, all the weight of realisation would lay upon Blaine, and that wasn't fair.
"I… I can't disagree with that" Kurt stated. He stared at Blaine. "I'm so sorry I've been pushing you to change since you came here, Blaine." Kurt looked down. "It's terrible" the boy rubbed his own forehead. "We should've merely accepted that we weren't working anymore."
"I know," Blaine agreed, and continued quickly, "so how about we grant each other some freedom?" Kurt knew what freedom meant, but tried to keep a calm face. "Freedom to be ourselves, for a change" Blaine smiled. "I don't want this to be any harder than it needs to be. You're my best friend, and I don't ever want to lose you."
"I don't want to lose you either" Kurt almost sobbed, but he felt like a big, heavy weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
"Then we won't" Blaine smiled.
/
Kurt decided to walk home instead of taking the subway. He knew he was in for an hour of walk, but couldn't care less. He needed the hour in order to get tired, and he needed the air to get colder, so he could start to feel unwell.
A little fall of rain would be appreciated too, he thought and looked up, but the sky didn't look even remotely cloudy. Damn my luck, he thought bitterly.
He needed the walk home to buy himself some time to start sobbing and crying. Kurt knew he was close to start, but not a single tear threatened to run down his cheek. His eyes were dry and his head was clear. His chest was feeling light, and his lungs seemed to function just fine.
God, what is wrong with me? Why am I not crying my failed engagement? He asked himself, dramatically. Blaine and he were no longer together! And this time, they both knew, it was for good! It was the end of an era! His first love. His first partner. His best friend.
Kurt sighed. He kept walking and reached a street he had always simply walked right by it yet regarded with curiosity. There were three gay bars and all of them were very loud and eye-catching. Blaine and he had often joked about trying those places some time, but they had never dared in the end. Maybe they were both scarred for life because of their night at Scandals.
Then he remembered about him. Sebastian. The boy he had conveniently been pushing out of his head lately. He had dedicated him the whole afternoon following their encounter and would not grant him any more time. What was wrong with him? Sebastian was the meerkat. The guy who used to try and steal his boyfriend! Exboyfriend, Kurt reminded himself.
I need another beer, Kurt thought, and got into the nearest bar without giving it a second thought.