I don't own glee! Thank you for your reviews :) they made my day
Blaine hadn't lied when he promised they won't be losing each other. At first, Kurt thought it would be extremely awkward, or that every time he looked at Blaine, guilt would consume him. After all, his identity crisis had been the trigger. They'd still be together if that crisis hadn't showed him how unhealthy their relationship had turned out to be.
That wasn't the kind of guilt Kurt was feeling, though. The hunting guilt he was experiencing had nothing to do with being the one causing the break-up, but with feeling so incredibly relieved. Kurt had felt relieved the minute he walked out of that diner. And feeling relief was okay, of course – as long as that relief changed into pain eventually, into awful and unbearable pain.
But Kurt wasn't feeling any pain at all. Just guilt. Guilt for feeling okay. For not dropping a single tear.
Surprisingly, he wasn't feeling guilty in the slightest about Sebastian. In fact, he hadn't even felt the need to push Sebastian from his mind. Truth was, it wasn't an unpleasant memory – but a good one. Their kiss felt as natural as breathing, and Kurt was no longer one to fight his nature.
"Care to explain this?" Santana asked Kurt a few days later while having dinner, putting her laptop right in front of him. Kurt looked at her first, confused by the dead glare she was giving him. Then he read it, on the screen: Kurt Hummel and Sebastian Smythe are now friends. Kurt gulped down. Damn Santana! They had become Facebook friends some days ago – clearly, she had been doing some digging on Kurt's profile page to see it now.
"You're unbelievable, Santana!" Kurt said, annoyed. "You stalk me on the Internet now?" he asked, indignant.
"Stalk you?" Santana rolled her eyes at him. "God, are you dramatic, lady pants!" she sighed, acting offended. "I'm just doing my nightly watch on you two, weirdos" she defended.
"Your nightly wa-… you're insane" Rachel said, not even lifting her head from her plate of noodles.
Kurt gave Santana a bitchy glare, then remembered he needed a cover. A good one, because Santana kept looking at him and pointing at the screen, waiting for an explanation.
Okay, Kurt, it's time for those acting lessons to pay off, he encouraged himself – Santana was not an easy one to fool. "Well! That" Kurt shook his hand, doing a dismissal gesture. "Would you believe that? The chipmunk had the nerve to try and friend me" he snorted.
"Apparently he succeeded" Santana added quickly, not even close to go softer on Kurt.
"Well, you know the saying, Santana: keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." Kurt said the first thing that came to his mind, but he knew that wouldn't be good enough.
Santana narrowed her eyes at him, giving Kurt a suspicious look. "What are you not telling me? Spill, lady."
"Fine!" Kurt sighed. Think quick, think real quick. "I received his request just a few days after Blaine and I…" Playing the break-up card, classy, he told himself sarcastically, then quickly changed the subject. "Anyway, I saw Blaine and Sebastian were Facebook friends already and… it made me angry, okay?" Kurt said dramatically. "And I really needed the gossip distraction… so I just accepted him and… indulged on a healthy gossip-bitch out session."
"Oh" Rachel moved to sit beside Kurt quickly, "anything good? I could really use a distraction right now" she added with pleading eyes. I woke up the beast, Kurt thought amused. Then he remembered Santana was still standing there, laptop on hand and looking slightly less suspicious. He took advantage of Rachel's gossip nature and ignored the latina girl.
"Not really." He grabbed Santana's laptop and put it on his lap, gaining a hey! from her owner. "May I show you, girls?" he asked.
Santana sighed, giving him a truce. "Go ahead" she said reluctantly, but sat beside Rachel to grant herself a good view of the screen. She wouldn't miss the chance to laugh at Sebastian, of course not.
Kurt had lied, though. He had been the one to friend Sebastian on Facebook. When a few days had passed since Kurt'd last seen the other boy, he realised he didn't have Sebastian's phone number. Friending him on Facebook was the less embarrassing thing to do.
Not that Kurt needed a way to keep in touch with Sebastian – not at all, come on. He could simply use a distraction – like Rachel.
/
A week later, the feeling of relief was still more prominent than the feeling of heartbreak, and it was driving Kurt nuts. On a desperate attempt to battle the anxiety Kurt felt every time he was home alone, he chose Friday to go visit his old ladies. Yes, as sad as it might seem, he had nothing better to do on a Friday. And Kurt also hoped Sebastian did have a better plan – the boy would probably be out partying, so the chances to come across him at Lexington should be shorter. Kurt was mistaken, though.
Kurt knew they were meant to meet there eventually, but he had hoped it'd be later than sooner, come on! Why did they keep visiting the old ladies in the same freaking days?
Seriously, karma was not being kind on him, because as soon as Kurt saw him, he realised his corporal reaction towards the other boy was changing. Sebastian was standing on the balcony with his grandma and his hair looked shorter – it suited him well, Kurt noticed. He was smiling to Edna, sweetly, with a soft expression on his eyes that Kurt was not used to see on him. Kurt found himself liking it.
/
"I'm beginning to think you've infiltrated someone on my inner circle to know exactly which days I come here" an irritated Kurt whispered on Sebastian's ear, so Maggie and Edna couldn't hear him. Not that their hearing was exactly sharp, but one could never be too cautious.
Sebastian casted him an annoyed look. "And I'm the one who's full of himself, right" Sebastian said, taken aback. He folded his arms and winced, looking like a neglected child. Kurt damned himself for finding it cute. Cute? What's wrong with me?
Kurt knew he wasn't exactly being kind, but God, could he care less. He rolled his eyes at Sebastian's remark, and drove back his attention to Maggie's endless speech about Cats.
Any other day Kurt could easily feel in the mood to appreciate Maggie's skills, or eloquence, but today he wasn't feeling it. His mind kept wandering towards that awful night. Having Sebastian sat beside him wasn't helping either. Granted, so he didn't regret the Sebastian's apartment part of the night. But that only reminded him that he was no longer engaged to Blaine, or dating him, and he hadn't informed the ladies yet.
"Kurtie, dear" Edna started to say with concern, cutting Maggie. She had clearly taken in Kurt's anxious and distant expression. Kurt gulped down. "Is there anything troubling your sweet mind?" she asked, giving him a knowing look.
Kurt gave her a bitter smile, then heard Sebastian coughing awkwardly. Kurt looked at him confused, then realised the other boy was telling his grandma to cut it with an intense look. Was Sebastian trying to help him? Kurt observed him and got warmer, and for a moment he even felt really grateful. Kurt smiled at him, but there was really no need to postpone the inevitable. The world would find out eventually about what a failure he was. God, what a depressing thought, Kurt thought, mentally slapping himself.
"It's okay, Sebastian" Kurt said, grabbing his cup of tea to grant himself some balance. "I'm… Well, ladies, Kurt Hummel is no longer engaged" he commented, lowering down his eyes, not wanting to see Maggie and Edna's reaction.
"Oh, dear, what happened?" Maggie was the first to talk.
Of course, Edna cut her. "Maggie, don't pressure the poor boy!" she said irritated, then continued. "Kurt, sweetheart, you don't have to tell us if you don't want to" she said sweetly.
Maggie sighed, exasperated. "Of course he doesn't have to, you cranky lady – but maybe he needs to, right?" she asked Kurt, pleading on her eyes.
Kurt really didn't need to go over the whole thing again, so he opted for doing something desperate. It was not rational, but he turned around on his seat to look again at Sebastian, hoping the boy would still intend to help him. Sebastian took the hint, but didn't spare Kurt a smirk.
"What Kurt needs is a drink" Sebastian stated, standing up. I guess I walked right into that one, Kurt thought.
"Yes" Kurt agreed, reluctantly. "Thanks, Sebastian" he said.
"Anytime" Sebastian said, looking amused. "So, I'm gonna take the poor kid out for a proper distraction" he explained to Edna and Maggie. "God knows his friends must have fed him with enough ice-cream to supply a country by now" Sebastian added, ignoring Kurt's presence.
The girl reference didn't help. I'm regretting this already, Kurt thought.
"'Cause that's what we ladies do" Kurt bit back, sarcastically. Then turned to Edna and Maggie, who still looked concerned, and kissed them goodbye. "See you ladies next week" he said. "I promise I'll be giving you something to chew, Maggie" he added, looking at the disappointed lady.
"You better, Pillsbury!" she said looking cheerier already.
The two boys went outside the building, and Kurt hoped that would put an end to things.
"Okay, so… thank you for that, meerkat" he said to Sebastian, trying to be polite.
"Don't mention it" Sebastian said, then added "my car is that way" while grabbing Kurt's forearm, noticing that Kurt had started to walk on the opposite direction.
Kurt turned around, confused. "I don't need a drive" he simply said, then realised he was being a little bit ungrateful and unkind to Sebastian today: "but thank you, anyway."
"A drive?" Sebastian asked him. "You mean you're leaving?" he took a step closer, narrowing his eyes at Kurt. There it is, Kurt thought. That demanding and unquestionable attitude Kurt found so… unsettling.
"Well, yes- I mean… you weren't serious about going for a drink, were you?" now Kurt was confused. Why would Sebastian want to waste another minute on a depressed Kurt?
Sebastian stared at him with curiosity. Kurt interrupted his train of thoughts. "You realise I'm not fun to be around right now, don't you?" Kurt questioned him. He'd better be honest. "I'm on a terrible mood, Sebastian – I'm not feeling like being kind, or friendly, or… anything good, I mean it" Kurt said harshly.
Sebastian chuckled. "Oh, I've noticed that much" he said, then put a warm arm around Kurt's shoulders, casually. "That's precisely why you need that drink and someone fun to be around" he smirked.
Kurt demanded himself to ignore the proximity and instead regarded Sebastian, considering the proposition. "This is the second time you're being nice to me" Kurt told him. "I don't know what to make of that" he said, frankly.
"You could simply thank me" Sebastian chuckled again, directing them towards his car.
/
Sebastian picked a cool bar, to Kurt's surprise. Kurt expected the other boy to take him somewhere similar to Scandals, but that wasn't the case. It was an Irish pub, and since it was 4 p.m., they were the only customers in there.
Sebastian ordered two beers for them, from a brand Kurt had never heard of.
"Here's to welcome beer and farewell Shirley Temples from our lives" Sebastian said amused, raising his bottle.
"Cheers" Kurt answered, smiling at him sarcastically. He was not even in the mood to argue with him.
"Oh, come on!" Sebastian laughed. "You're not going to fight me?" Sebastian said, trying to incite Kurt.
"You're sick, Sebastian" Kurt said after a few seconds of consideration. "And I believe I've discovered what your fetish is" Kurt found himself giggling.
Sebastian chuckled, looking amused. "Really?" he asked incredulously, "and what would that be?"
"You have a thing for harshness" Kurt commented, taking a distracted sip from his beer.
"Won't you mean harnesses?" Sebastian suggested amused.
Kurt rolled his eyes at him. "Ha, you wish. You're not even the right kind of fetishist – you know, with objects, sex toys and stuff" Kurt explained coyly, "as much as it must pain you" he added.
"I wasn't aware there was a right kind of fetish – one that you'd grant your approval" Sebastian winked playfully. "But, please, do tell" he added. "I didn't take you for an erudite on the matter" Sebastian smirked.
Kurt slapped Sebastian's thigh mindlessly. "Well, maybe you don't deserve this erudite's insight" he joked.
"You're gonna have to do so much better than that if you want me to beg you" Sebastian said, then came closer to add "just saying" on Kurt's ear.
"Beg me? Oh, don't sweat it, meerkat, I couldn't be less interested" Kurt bit back giggling. Oops, this beer is strong, he noticed.
"So you keep saying, Kurtie – so you keep saying" Sebastian chuckled attractively, Kurt thought. Dammit.
"Anyway" Kurt decided to put an end to the flirting. Flirting? He wondered briefly. "Your fetish is not an object, but an attitude" Kurt continued, "you like 'em bitchy" Kurt looked at him for dramatic effect, "that's why you keep trying to provoke me" he smiled pleased with himself. Score.
Sebastian regarded Kurt with curiosity. "Mmh" he hummed with amusement while taking a long ship from his beer. "I wonder how much thought and effort you put into that" then he looked at Kurt suggestively.
"You're insufferable" Kurt said, rolling his eyes, "and I have bad news for you, meerkat – I'm not that person anymore" he said, feeling bitter.
Sebastian witnessed Kurt going from cocky to sad and didn't know how to proceed.
Kurt sighed, trying to relax. "You were right, Sebastian" he said, "I've changed. So we both better start accepting that."
"I might be wrong, but you sound bitter" Sebastian commented, looking at him with a serious expression. Kurt observed him for a moment, then gave the boy a sad smile.
"I guess I miss some parts of it, you know?" Kurt conceded. "I miss the fierceness, I guess" he continued, while Sebastian played with the stick of his bottle, "the drive I used to have" he muttered.
"I don't think you've lost that" Sebastian said frankly, making Kurt shift a bit on his seat, awkwardly – he still didn't know what to make of Sebastian's kindness. "Okay, so maybe the fierceness is reaching some critic low levels" Sebastian chuckled, "but the drive? I believe I watched a Peter Pan play only three weeks ago".
Sebastian was smiling at him. And it was becoming a regular thing, Kurt noted, giving him the goose bumps. The boy had a pretty smile when it was genuine – it was really bright. Really alive. Kurt smiled back, timidly.
"You should stop trying to make me feel better, Bastian" Kurt said, minding his bottle of beer. He didn't even notice the nickname he used.
"Is that what I'm doing?" Sebastian asked, voice full of disdain. Kurt looked at him, raising his eyebrow with annoyance but realised the other boy was joking.
"Yes" Kurt said, less tense. "You are, and it's not cute" he commented.
"Good, because I'm not trying to be cute" Sebastian said, then moved his hand to reach Kurt's knee and started rubbing it in circles. "You want a refill?" he asked gently.
But Sebastian didn't know Kurt's body was rejecting any sort of kindness it received.
"Sebastian, I told you - I don't want you to comfort me today" Kurt tried to explain calmly. He didn't want the help, because he needed to feel the little pain he could manage to feel.
But Kurt also didn't want to be rude to someone who was proving to mean well towards him lately. "I'm not okay right now and I don't intend to" Kurt's voice was getting weaker, so he cleared his throat. "I don't want to" Kurt admitted.
"Don't want to, or just don't want me to?" Sebastian asked, his hand suddenly stopping its movement on Kurt's knee.
Kurt looked at him, considering it. Was it selfish to let himself be comforted by Sebastian? It really didn't matter, though. "I don't want to feel better" Kurt simply whispered.
"Well, maybe I'm not the only one who has a thing for harshness, after all" Sebastian said lowering his voice too, and Kurt noticed a small smile gracing the other boy lips. Sebastian's lips were wet from the beer, and it was quite distracting.
Kurt casted him a knowing look. "Yeah… I don't think that's the case." Then he buried his head between his arms, folded over the bar. "You don't get it" he mumbled.
"Well, then stop complaining and make me get it" Sebastian said, a little exasperated. Kurt looked up, feeling insecure.
He regained himself and considered it. He hadn't shared this with anyone yet, and it was consuming him. But he couldn't just go telling people how incredibly okay he felt without Blaine. How incredibly relieved he was. It meant he was not a nice person, and it wasn't something he needed people to know. At least normal people. Maybe Sebastian didn't count, then. "Okay" Kurt decided. "I guess… I don't mind you judging me" he conceded.
Sebastian chuckled. "Okay" he said eventually.
Kurt hid his face between his hands – it was one thing to say it out loud, and another one to watch Sebastian's reaction. "I can't feel any pain, Sebastian." Finally. It was out. Kurt sighed, feeling lighter. "I mean, I-… I don't think I have it in me, to feel pain, or heartbreak, about me and Blaine, and I-"
Kurt stopped because there were two hands grabbing his own to unbury his face. He let Sebastian uncover him and came face to face with the boy. Way too closer for his comfort. But he knew Sebastian didn't share ordinary people' boundaries of personal space.
Sebastian was not talking, and that only encouraged Kurt to let it all out.
"I feel relieved. Can you fucking believe it? I can't stop feeling relieved" he said, angry. "Like, all the time" he lowered down his voice. "I want to feel sad, but I can't, Sebastian" he gulped down hardly. "And I just- I feel so bad that I can't. I've never felt this bad before. Ever" Kurt said honestly.
Sebastian bit hard his lower lip, containing what it looked like a smile? Kurt wondered.
"What-?!" Kurt snatched, annoyed. "Oh, you find it funny, you asshole?"
Sebastian chuckled briefly. "Don't kill me, jeez!" the boy said protecting himself for the several punches Kurt was trying to give him on the shoulders. "I'm sorry, but it's kind of ironic, don't you think?" he defended. "You're actually feeling bad because you can't feel bad, or so you say" Sebastian explained. "I mean… it makes no sense – you look like hell, that much I can assure you."
Kurt didn't say anything. He couldn't. Sebastian was right? He wondered.
"I'm gonna need that refill" Kurt said rubbing his own forehead.