Thanks guys for R&R :) or just reading! thanks for sticking around!
Soo... I think the story is coming to an end, sadly. Probably two, three more chapters, maybe four - for fluff purposes haha. I hope I'll make justice to these two!
P.s. I don't own Glee! That could be catastrophic, actually.
"And then…" Kurt said while going through his cell phone, looking for the last text Andy had sent him. "Then, he sent me this" he handed over his phone to Santana, who read it carefully.
Okay, so maybe having roomies around was not the worst thing ever. Quite frantically, Kurt knew he was gonna miss it during the summer.
Luckily, that Friday night around 1 a.m., Santana had got home. And Kurt really needed someone to talk to. Besides, Santana's cold objectiveness, though harsh, was always appreciated in the end.
"Well?" Kurt asked her, eagerly. "It doesn't make any sense, does it?" he asked suspiciously, waggling his eyebrows.
Santana puckered her lips. "Maybe Sebastian is doing Andy" she commented, straightforwardly. Kurt winced.
"No way" he said. From all the possible explanations, that had never occurred to him. "I've seen them together. They don't like each other" Kurt told her, narrowing his eyes.
"Right, 'cause you so liked Sebastian at first" she said maliciously.
Kurt casted her a bitchy glare. "Would you pay attention? Andy said he was going with some friends!" Kurt told her off, annoyed.
Santana rolled her eyes. "Okay" she said reluctantly, "but I'm not discarding that just yet" she added. "Maybe Sebastian's booty call bailed on him" she smirked.
"And he had the decency not to call me as a second best, mm" Kurt pondered it. Though equally hurtful, that could be it. He bit the inside of his mouth, doubt consuming him.
"You still think Sebastian just made it up, don't you?" the girl asked, folding her arms.
Kurt gave her an awkward smile. "You think I should dig on this? Find out for real?" he asked instead, with a bitter excitement.
Santana stood up and shook her head. "I think you should let it be, Kurt" the girl went to the kitchen, then grabbed a beer from the fridge. "You want one?"
"Not really" Kurt winced at the beer. He had eaten his weight on ice cream that night. He didn't like Santana's response, though. "Let it be? Oh, boy" he said, throwing back his head against a pillow, desperate. "How could I let this be? Even if I wanted to?"
Santana sat again on the armchair. "Well, for starters, you focus on your new, awesome Vogue job" she stated, and Kurt was surprised that the girl would actually give him some suggestions. Though it sounded more like commands. "Then, you realise what an amazing summer you have in front of you" she continued, and Kurt doubted for a moment if maybe he should be writing it down.
Santana's expression got suddenly harsher. "And finally, you stop whining like a desperate, lame lady and grow a pair of boobs, get out there and embrace that you're single for the first time in forever and guess what? That puts you in an awkward position, you know why?" Kurt shook his head, somewhat scared of how quickly Santana's switch could snap. "Because that means you don't even remember what it's like to be the one looking out for yourself, and probably you stopped working on that a long time ago" she stated, then pointed a finger at Kurt. "Stop thinking men and love can somehow save you, and start working on yourself a little more. You sure need to" she finished with a disgusted face.
Kurt couldn't even swallow down. He'd need some time for that to sink in. Funnily enough, Santana's words didn't hurt him. They triggered something inside him instead.
"That might be… true" he conceded, but felt unable to lock eyes with Santana. One step at a time. "I might've neglected myself a little."
Santana snorted. "Might, might've…" she rolled her eyes. Kurt glared at her. "It is, and you have – call things by its name."
Kurt sighed. "Fine" he admitted reluctantly. They fell in silence.
"Now" Santana broke the silence, with a tentative tone. "This is what you do about Sebastian-"
"I thought I didn't have to do anything about Sebastian" Kurt cut her, irritated.
Santana frowned. "Don't be stupid, Kurt. Of course you do something about Sebastian" she said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Kurt narrowed his eyes at her, confused. "You can start taking care of yourself and also do something about him, can't you? – I mean it's not excludible. Or can't you do two things at once?" she asked, maliciously. "The slut is up to something, that's for sure" she stated, getting Kurt's attention.
"Okay" Kurt said, slowly. "So… I don't let it be, do I?" he asked, to make sure he was following.
"Oh, no, you pretend you let it be" she explained, tone full of attitude. "You take those things I just listed for you: your job, your summer, yourself – and you keep yourself so busy that you actually begin to believe that you matter more than him. It might take you some time, though…" Santana casted him a doubtful face, studying Kurt like he was a baby. "Anyway, during that time you don't text him, you don't call him, you don't exist on Facebook… you just don't exist for him" the girl emphasised. "Give it a few weeks, and he'll be knocking on our door, desperate" she finished, taking the victory sip from her beer.
Kurt couldn't help but smile. Santana was a natural strategist. Then he remembered something.
"In a few weeks Sebastian will be in Europe" he realised.
Santana took another sip, and looked thoughtful. "Then he might be coming over sooner… asking for a quickie, maybe, before he takes off… and of course you'll have to shut him down, that's crucial" she thought out loud.
Kurt shook his head, tired of hearing nonsense. "Now you're just speculating" he said, and stood up.
"Right, because you never do" the girl said sarcastically.
/
Kurt would take Santana's advice, though. Not about the last part, where Sebastian would be coming over for a quickie. Kurt chuckled every time he remembered that prediction – Santana could not know Sebastian any worse. That was so not Sebastian's style.
But Kurt took her advice regarding the rest of things. He forced himself to go to Vogue on Monday full of sunshine and optimism. He couldn't tell Isabelle he was suffering from yet another heartbreak. What would that say about him? Maybe Santana was not so wrong. Kurt needed to start looking out for himself.
A few days passed and Kurt was surprised to see that things at Vogue weren't that different from where he left it. Meaning that he was practically doing the same job. And also, Isabelle wouldn't stop inviting him for lunch and dinner to classy places with classy people.
So yeah, life was not treating Kurt badly. Except that it was, because Sebastian had not given him signs of life yet, and Kurt felt a cold shiver piercing his chest every time his mind wandered towards the memory of them together. He struggled permanently to shake it off, and yet kept hopelessly waiting to hear from the boy. It'd been almost two weeks, but that wasn't a lot of time, was it? For all Kurt knew, Sebastian might call him that weekend, and Kurt might've be worrying over nothing.
Yet Saturday came along, and Kurt was alone on his couch. Santana had left two days ago, and Kurt's first days without roomies were turning out to be unexpectedly cold. He got a text from Andy which he read making a groan of complaint (for a second Kurt thought it might be from Sebastian) and then ignored completely.
Around 5 a.m., a noise woke Kurt up from a pleasant dream. He was lying on the couch with a blanket, surrounded by snacks and his collection of The Golden Girls playing on the TV. Since he was alone in the apartment, he had made it a habit to sleep on the couch. It made him feel less lonely.
Kurt woke up startled, not knowing where the noise was coming from, or if maybe he had just dreamt it. A few seconds later, he heard the buzzer. That was the noise.
Kurt got up and pressed the speak-bottom of the buzzer, somewhat scared. It was freaking 5 a.m.! "Hello?" he asked, tentatively.
"Kurt?" Sebastian's voice asked, sending a tsunami through Kurt's body.
Kurt felt suddenly completely awake. "Meerkat?" he asked, puzzled.
"Hey, could you open? There's a creep staring at me from across the street and it's freaking me out" the boy ranted, agitated.
"Oh, yeah- sure, sure" Kurt pressed another bottom so the main entrance would open.
Then he observed the state of his living room and winced. "Crap" he made. He didn't even have time to clean up. Kurt brought a hand to his hair, full of despair, then realised his hair would not look any better either. "Oh, no."
But the doorbell rang then and Kurt jumped, startling again. Sebastian was only a few steps away from him, the closed door being the only distance between them.
Kurt took a couple of deep breaths. What the hell, he thought then, and opened the door.
"Hey" Sebastian made, somewhat contained. He was soaking wet.
"Oh, dear" Kurt made when he saw him. "Come in, I'll give you a towel!" he said, letting Sebastian in. "And some dry clothes too. You want a hot beverage? You must be freezing" Kurt ranted, moving nervously around Sebastian.
Sebastian caught his wrist to stop him. "I'm okay, Kurt" the boy assured him, a glint of amusement dancing on his eyes.
"Well, let me give you at least a towel" Kurt insisted, concerned. "And a sweatshirt, okay?" Kurt asked him wishfully, hoping Sebastian would let him help.
Sebastian side smiled. "Okay" he said, then let go of Kurt's wrist and followed him to his bedroom.
Sebastian noticed the bed unopened. "Were you sleeping on the couch?" he asked with curiosity.
Kurt scratched his nape, awkwardly. "Um- yeah" he admitted. "I fell asleep watching the TV" he admitted, locking eyes with Sebastian.
Sebastian's eyes looked smiley and kind, though tired. Kurt lowered down his eyes to Sebastian's lips and realised then that the boy was casting him a genuine smile. An uncontrollable leak of warmth spread over Kurt's insides. He smiled back and they just stared at each other, frozen-like.
Kurt cleared his throat when the silence got to thick. "Here" he said, going to his drawer and taking some clothes and a towel. "Oh, maybe you'd like to shower?" Kurt wondered out loud.
"The towel is fine, really" Sebastian said, taking it from Kurt's hand.
"And the sweatshirt" Kurt insisted and passed it over to Sebastian too. "Your clothes are soaking wet, Bas" Kurt told him, with a demanding tone. He wouldn't have on his conscience being the cause of a cold. "Some sweatpants too" he murmured, while looking for them on his drawer.
Kurt heard Sebastian chuckling behind him, and shook his head. "Put these on too" he told the boy with a serious tone. Sebastian rolled his eyes.
"Yes, ma'am" the boy joked. Kurt ignored it and Sebastian started undressing himself.
"Oh, wait, I'll give you some privacy" Kurt said, feeling sort of dumb, since he had seen Sebastian completely naked more than once.
"Don't be silly" the boy said, and continued undressing. Kurt sat on the bed then, and had to summon upon himself all the self-control in the world not to observe Sebastian.
They both remained silent while Sebastian changed his clothes.
The boy finished and grabbed the towel, which Kurt took as his cue to get up.
"Thanks" Sebastian told him, and Kurt locked eyes with him again.
"Oh- don't mention it" he said kindly with a small smile, then exited the room.
Kurt started putting some order on the couch so they both could sit and soon enough Sebastian was helping him. Kurt observed him from the corner of his eye, and a thousand questions popped out on his mind.
Once they were done, he pointed to the couch for Sebastian to sit.
"So… um- how you've been?" Kurt asked, awkwardly.
Sebastian seemed distracted drying his hair with the towel, but he answered anyway. "Fine enough."
Kurt nodded, and bit the inside of his mouth, not knowing what else to say. He looked away too and realised the TV was still on. He grabbed the remote control and turned it off. He didn't need Sebastian mocking him for watching The Golden Girls.
"What about you?" the boy asked then, and Kurt couldn't really tell if he sounded interested or not.
"Also fine, I guess" Kurt responded coyly, then realised he was being equally evasive. "First week back at Vogue successfully completed" he added, jokingly.
"Good" Sebastian smiled, throwing Kurt the towel. "Hair successfully dried" the boy said amused.
Kurt caught the towel and threw it to the armchair. "Good" he said back.
They stared at each other in silence, for half a minute or so. Sebastian looked really tired, Kurt noticed. Why was he there, then?
And, also, why was he there? Just to stare at Kurt in silence?
Kurt sifted on the couch, nervously. "Did your car break or something like that?" Kurt asked, trying to figure it out discreetly.
Sebastian frowned. "No, it didn't" the boy replied, then casted Kurt a suspicious yet amusing face. "Why?"
"Oh, I don't know" Kurt said, sarcasm mode on. "I was just trying to figure out what could've made you come by at 5 in the morning without a warning" he said casually.
Sebastian snorted. "Mmh, yeah… I guess an explanation would be nice, wouldn't it?" he said cheekily, coming slightly forward and resting a hand on Kurt's knee.
It was weird. It was just the tinniest gesture, and the boy had done it a thousand times, but somehow it felt new.
Kurt played along, sarcastically. "Oh, it certainly would, yeah" he bit his tongue, trying to contain a chuckle.
Sebastian bit his lower lip, pretending to be thoughtful. "And it should be now, shouldn't it?" he teased.
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Yes. That's when it should be."
Sebastian chuckled then, quietly. "Okay, I guess that's fair" he admitted, more honest now. He squeezed Kurt's knee and looked suddenly coy.
Kurt wasn't feeling like helping him, not really. So he decided he would say or do nothing.
Sebastian puckered his lips then and gulped. "I guess I just missed you."
Kurt shivered, equally moved and confused. He searched for Sebastian's eyes, but it took Sebastian a few seconds to return the look. When he did, Kurt felt as vulnerable as the boy looked.
"I missed you too" Kurt whispered, breathing somewhat agitatedly.
Sebastian breathed out and his face lightened up. Next thing Kurt knew, Sebastian was on top of him and Kurt was laying on his back. Sebastian kissed Kurt's cheek intensely – Kurt could feel his energy, his need. Like he had been containing all that warmth for too long.
Kurt held Sebastian tightly and kissed him back where he could find skin – his jawline, for example.
Sebastian kissed him on the lips then, wanting but carefully, without teeth or tongue. They were barely taking a hold on each other, Kurt noticed, as if they needed to make contact and picked it up where they last left it.
"I really missed you, Kurt" Sebastian whispered against his neck, mouthing the skin mindlessly. Kurt could tell the boy was already feeling more confident again; his movements less careful now and more knowing as Sebastian held Kurt's sides and stroked them with his hands.
"Bas, I-" Kurt started, but he wasn't feeling too brave. He had missed Sebastian's warmth too badly.
"Shh" Sebastian cut him, kissing his lips again, sweetly. "Let me take care of you" the boy said against his lips, then rubbed his nose against Kurt's.
And Kurt's body wanted to relax between Sebastian's arms so bad… So did Kurt himself, but Sebastian's choice of words rang a bell. Take care of you… Wait, wasn't Kurt supposed to be the one taking care of himself now? Santana's words echoed within his brain.
Kurt broke the kiss and sat slightly on the couch, grabbing Sebastian's shoulders gently. "I- I- need to- we need to talk" Kurt mumbled, catching his breath.
Sebastian looked at him taken aback, somewhat sad for a brief moment. Sad? But it was gone just two seconds later, replaced by a tired expression. Kurt observed him, waiting for him to sit up too, but Sebastian stroked Kurt's chest then, soothingly. "Kurt, listen to me – I'm leaving tomorrow" the boy said, confidently.
Kurt wasn't sure he was following. "Tomorrow? Where to?" That didn't make any sense. Wasn't Sebastian supposed to spend some weeks on New York before taking off?
"France" Sebastian added quickly, not missing a beat. His eyes were piercing Kurt's, and something felt extreme all of a sudden. Intense. Final.
Kurt looked around, letting that sink in. "O-kay" he said slowly, "I still think we need to tal-"
"I'm leaving tomorrow, Kurt" Sebastian cut him, the pressure of his hands impossibly tighter now. "Tomorrow" he insisted, with a firm, fierce voice. Then, he studied Kurt's eyes for a brief moment, as if to make sure Kurt was following him now, and resumed kissing his neck.
Kurt startled, but felt unable to stop Sebastian. He could take a hint. Sebastian's fierce and intense words meant there was nothing to talk about. Sebastian was leaving tomorrow and he didn't want to talk. He didn't want to hear whatever Kurt wanted to say.
Santana's words kept haunting Kurt: he might be coming over sooner… asking for a quickie, maybe, before he takes off… and of course you'll have to shut him down, that's crucial…
Kurt felt powerless. Dumb, even. He let Sebastian's lips kissed his skin while his hands soothed him. Kurt rested still, defeated.
His mind was so far away from there, so out of it… He even started picturing alternate scenarios, in all of which he'd act braver:
"So- this is it?" he would ask, bitterly.
Sebastian's lips would close against his throat then, uncertain. The boy would dig up his head and say: "What is it?" Pretending not to follow.
Kurt would say: "You're leaving, and you don't wanna talk… When you come back in a couple of months, who knows if there'll even be something to talk about." Kurt's voice would be trembling at first, but then it'd become surer, stronger, as he would feel some proud courage emerging from within himself. Because he would know then that he would finally have started to look out for himself.
Sebastian's eyes would probably widen; the boy would be perplexed. Then he'd retrieve himself from above Kurt and sit slightly. He'd say, nervously: "What do you wanna talk about?"
But none of that happened. Kurt surrendered and let Sebastian have him. He wasn't even sure if he was enjoying it, but he couldn't bring himself to react.
Sebastian started to undress him, gently, kissing every inch of skin he left uncovered. Then Kurt observed the boy undressing himself, and he couldn't even raise a hand to help him.
As simple as that, they were both naked now on the couch, and Kurt was feeling cold. He shivered.
Soon enough, Sebastian stopped kissing his chest, and rubbed his own forehead against the spot, visibly frustrated.
The boy sighed. "I shouldn't have come, should I?" he asked Kurt, though it sounded slightly rhetorical.
Kurt covered his eyes with his own forearm. His mind, his senses… everything felt heavy and thick. He felt like he was on a trance. "I think so…"
Sebastian looked at him then – Kurt could feel his eyes on him, but he just couldn't return the look.
Sebastian shook Kurt's arm away and forced Kurt to stare at him. "Help me out here, Kurt" the boy said, tiredly. In fact, he looked exhausted.
Kurt's body instinctive reaction was to caress Sebastian's face then, out of concern. "How many hours you've been awake?"
Sebastian closed his eyes at Kurt's touch, and sighed again. "Too many" he admitted. "It's been a rough week" Sebastian murmured.
Kurt came forwards then and kissed Sebastian's forehead, unable to stop himself. "Let's go to bed" he whispered, then grabbed Sebastian's wrist and took him to his bedroom.
Sebastian just nodded and followed him, not fighting it.
They got in bed, completely naked, and Kurt covered both of them, bringing the covers to the height of Sebastian's chest. Sebastian grabbed his hand then, and looked right at Kurt.
Kurt was slightly exiting his trance, and felt more self-aware now. He returned the look, and gave Sebastian a small smile.
"I'm tired too" Kurt said, squeezing the hand that was holding his.
"Okay" Sebastian returned the small smile.
"Can I hold you?" Kurt asked then, probably a side effect of his trance – or so he would think later. "It seems like you need it" he explained, feeling weirdly brave.
Sebastian's expression got surprised, and suspicious, and cheery all at once. The boy simply nodded, and turned to the side, his backside now facing Kurt.
Kurt came forwards and placed his arms over Sebastian's sides, his hands resting on the other boy's belly. Sebastian rested his arms above Kurt's then, and Kurt decided to take a hold on those strong forearms. He stroked them, his thumb drawing small circles on its skin.
Finally, Kurt rested his nose somewhere around Sebastian's nape, and kissed it. "Good night, Bas."
"Night, Kurt" Kurt heard on a whisper.
/
Kurt woke up four hours later, around 10 a.m. His hands rested directly on the mattress, on a spot where Sebastian's torso used to rest. He looked around, unsettled, wondering where Sebastian would be. Then, he saw a note on his nightstand that he didn't recognise at his.
My plain leaves early and you look too peaceful sleeping. I wish you the happiest of summers. Take care of that gay face and remember it's mine.
S.-
Kurt had to read it at least three times until the words sank in. He wouldn't see Sebastian for the next two months. He suddenly felt nauseous.
/
Sebastian's early departure left Kurt with a thousand questions burning on his mind. The first one being why the boy had decided to cut short those weeks he said he'd be spending on New York.
Something told Kurt it looked a lot like running away. But how could he know? Besides, that was judging prematurely.
On a second but not less prominent place, there was question number two: Why hadn't Sebastian wanted to talk? It would've helped Kurt understand a lot of things. But mainly, it would've given Kurt the chance to tell Sebastian how he felt about him, even if it was quite obvious, to Kurt's eyes.
But maybe it wasn't to Sebastian. After all, the boy had in fact accused Kurt of being wooed by Sebastian's sexual skills. So it was becoming an impending need to tell him how wrong he was. And, above all, how he wasn't a jerk. That was crucial for Kurt.
And let's not forget about question number three: Why had Sebastian acted so weird since their last night together? Why had he lied to Kurt, in the night of Andy's texts?
Those were three whys already, and all of them seemed to point towards one conclusion: Sebastian was not ready for Kurt's… love? Kurt wasn't sure, but it was either that or that Sebastian wasn't simply that into him. And Kurt might've inclined towards the second if it hadn't been for that visit at 5 a.m. when Sebastian had never looked more vulnerable.
So Kurt was now forced to struggle with these questions on a daily basis, while he kept appearances at Vogue. Which, by the way, was proving to be a good distraction. A happy one, even.
He really wanted to take Santana's advice to heart, and to focus on himself, all the more since the latina girl's last prediction had sadly become true: Sebastian looking for a quickie on his last night. How very cliché, God, Kurt kept wincing. And yet Kurt suspected that was not what their last night together had been about, but… only time would tell.
Kurt's inner monologue ended abruptly when his cell phone started ringing. Thankfully, he was on a lunch break. He checked the caller ID: Sam Evans.
"Sam?" Kurt asked, somewhat confused. They really didn't talk that often, sadly.
"Hey, Kurt" the blond greeted him cheerily. "What you up to, dude?"
"Not much" Kurt admitted, contemplating his sad little salad. "Lunch break."
"Me too, bro – so listen, it occurred to me, are we the only ones left in the city for the summer?" Sam asked then, intrigued. "Burt told me you got your Vogue job back, dude – that's so dope" he sounded genuinely glad for Kurt, and Kurt felt a smile creeping up his lips.
"Why, thank you Sam" he kept his salad on his bag and decided he needed a hot dog. "I didn't know you were still here, how did that happen?"
"Gigs keep coming, Kurt. Everyone wants a piece of this" Sam joked and Kurt chuckled, truly, for the first time in weeks.
"Oh, Sam, I so want a piece too" he joked himself. "We should have dinner together" Kurt suggested.
"Yeah, that'd be awesome" Sam agreed. "I'll be done by seven – see you at your place?"
"Sure thing" Kurt replied cheerily, while he paid the guy who handed him a tasty hot dog.
/
It turned out Kurt wasn't that eager to live alone. At least no when he was feeling so utterly lonely. So having Sam around every now and then was proving to provide him with a missed feeling of family. To quote Sam's words, they had been brothers for a while, after all.
They mainly had dinner together, sometimes at Kurt's, sometimes at Sam's, who was living alone too in Mercedes's place (which made the boy feel somewhat uncomfortable since they were no longer together).
Soon enough, when Kurt realised they were spending most of the nights at Kurt's, he decided to invite Sam over for the rest of the summer – that way they wouldn't have to be constantly moving, and they'd keep each other company.
It wasn't like they were besties all of a sudden, but it felt like home, somehow. Even if they didn't have that much in common, they did have in common having their families and friends away.
"So… Rachel's coming this weekend, did she tell you?" Kurt asked Sam one night, watching American Next Top Model – one of the few TV shows they could both agree on watching without a fight for the remote control.
Sam casted Kurt a suspicious look. "No" he said, then took another bite of his pizza slice. "We haven't talked in a while" the blond commented.
Kurt frowned. "You haven't?" he repeated, rhetorically. "But you guys are close, right?" he asked, uncertain.
Sam shrugged. "We haven't always been close" he said, casually. "We were for a while, during your senior year, you know?" Sam asked Kurt, unsure if Kurt would be aware of that. "I mean, that was when Rachel and Finn were engaged. She was always around, dating Finn and all" he explained, and Kurt contained a chuckle, since there was no need to explain him that – he knew the details. "But then not so much when you guys moved to New York" the blond said, eyeing his pizza and giving it a new bite. "I think she literally forgot I existed" Sam wondered out loud, with an expression of curiosity in his face.
"Oh, I don't think she did, Sam" Kurt interfered. That was a sad thing to say. "She just… got a little lost with all the Finn and Brody drama" Kurt remembered, chuckling when picturing Brody as a gigolo.
"Hey, I'm not saying it was a conscious choice" Sam defended. "I'm not offended or anything" he assured Kurt, shrugging again. Kurt had to believe him. The boy was too good natured to be offended. "Anyway, I think we kind of reconnected again when… you know, when… when- Finn died" Sam added nervously, and scratched his neck, uncomfortable.
"It's okay, Sam… I don't think I ever say it out loud, to be fair" Kurt commented, giving him a side smile.
Sam returned the smile. "Neither do I" then bit his lip. "It's kind of sad, isn't it? It's like Finn's the only thing that's brought us close now and then, you know? It's not the first time I notice this" Sam told Kurt, looking down at his pizza.
Kurt bit the inside of his mouth, not really knowing what to say. He hadn't never looked at it like that, so it took him a little aback. But Sam looked conflicted, so he needed to say something like, right now.
"You know, I don't think that's a bad thing" Kurt told him, reassuringly. "I think that actually makes you one of the few people that can actually get her… you know what I mean?" Kurt asked, hoping Sam would believe him.
Sam still looked kind of down. The boy had stopped eating. "Yeah, maybe" he agreed, nonetheless. He looked thoughtful for a few seconds, then said: "I just- I feel weirdly protective of her" the blond boy said, struggling with his words. "Ah… I don't know" he sighed. "I can see how lonely she feels, and sad, and- I just don't know what to do to make her feel better" Sam said on a rant, looking frustrated.
Sam's raw, real honesty was sort of new to Kurt. But he could perfectly see now why Blaine had found a best friend on him.
"That's great, Sam" Kurt assured him, but Sam shook his head. "No, listen- hey, it is" Kurt continued, clearing his throat so his voice would sound firmer. "Don't be so hard on yourself. Rachel's dealing with her pain at her own rhythm – all she needs is her friends to stand by her, and that's what you're doing. You can't take her pain away – and neither can I. But we can love her… that helps" Kurt suggested.
"I wish she didn't have to go through that" Sam said on a low voice. "I mean, I wish none of us had" Sam quickly dried a tear from his cheek and bit his lip. "I miss him so much, Kurt" the boy said, looking away.
Kurt froze, swallowing down the incoming nod on his throat. "So do I" he whispered.
"Oh, man" Sam dried another tear and sifted his position on the armchair, but he sounded slightly amused now. "He would so kick my ass for having so many thoughts about her girlfriend" Sam joked, although he was actually still crying. "'Cause I'm having 'em, Kurt" he looked at Kurt then, with an almost comical expression of concern. "I have those kind of thoughts about Rachel… you know" the boy bit his lip, embarrassed, and looked away.
"I know" Kurt said, giving him an understanding smile. "And I think she does too" he added, to calm Sam down.
Sam's expression got suddenly shocked and pale. Like he had just seen a ghost. "What…? You think?" he asked, perplexed.
Kurt suddenly felt a tickle on his belly. Was he going too far? "Um- I mean, she hasn't actually told me anything, you know… I just think so" Kurt added, timidly.
Sam chuckled then, nervously. "Dude! You scared me!" he said, then focused his attention back on his pizza. "Of course she doesn't" he shook his head, amused. "Anyway, it's just thoughts, you know? You can't help them" he shrugged. "If I could, I wouldn't have them, you know?" he added, chuckling. "But I've got it under control" he assured Kurt, seriously now.
Kurt chuckled too. "Okay" he said, since it looked like Sam was waiting for his approval.
They fell in a pleasant silence.
"Hey, what about Sebastian?" Sam asked, all of a sudden.
Kurt puckered his lips, distractedly. "What about him?"
Sam threw him a cushion. "Dude! I think we were talking!" he protested. "You know? From bro to bro" Sam said, encouraging him. And the boy looked truly interested.
Kurt wasn't used to have a "bro dude" actually asking him questions about his gay love life. Emphasis in gay, since that kind of talks used to make Finn and Puck somewhat uncomfortable, to Kurt's amusement.
"Okay, jeez" Kurt threw Sam back the cushion and chuckled. "I-" he started, but then he realised he didn't really know where Sebastian and he stood right now. "I mean, he's in France now" Kurt settled for the basics.
Sam nodded. "Do you guys talk?" he asked, moving funnily his face, to inquire Kurt. "Or skype?"
Kurt had to chuckle again. "Oh, no – not at all" he said. Sam casted him a confused look and Kurt realised there was actually nothing funny about that. In fact, it was kind of sad. "I don't really know, Sam" he admitted, bitterly. "Things got a little weird right before he left" Kurt murmured, studying his salad.
"Oh" Sam made, casting Kurt a sorry look. "How weird?"
Kurt was finding hard to put his thoughts into words. He knew how he was feeling, and how things had been between Sebastian and him. But having to tell someone made him realise how hard he'd been avoiding the subject.
"Weird as in… I think he's scared of his own feelings" Kurt said, even though he had never phrased it that way on his mind before. "And I should be the one being scared, you know? I mean, I'm the one who just ended a three year relationship, right?" Kurt asked rhetorically, but Sam nodded along. "It should be me, since I still ache a little from Blaine… but somehow it's not. And I just can't tell him that" Kurt ranted, exhausted, then threw his head into his hands, hiding it between them. "Every time I say something remotely daring, or cheesy, he just reacts so coldly."
Kurt locked eyes with Sam. The boy looked like he was having a hard time processing all that information. "Oh, God – I'm sorry I ranted like that" Kurt apologised, chuckling. "I guess I haven't had someone to talk to in a while" he giggled awkwardly.
"Don't apologise, man – it's totally okay" Sam said, nodding exaggeratedly. Still Kurt smiled at him. "I mean… he should grow a pair, right?"
Kurt giggled again. "Exactly" he agreed. Then thought it better. "You know, lately I've grown obsessed with telling him that he's not a jerk" Kurt said, and Sam had to narrow his eyebrows at him. "Yeah, he has a thing for calling himself a jerk. And a cheap ass" Kurt explained, because suddenly he wasn't feeling like shutting up.
"Oh?" Sam made, unsure.
"Yeah" Kurt agreed. "Oh indeed" he sighed, amused. "It's just a defence mechanism – that's what it is" Kurt kept going. "People assume he's an ass, so he prefers to claim himself as it before anybody else can" Kurt rolled his eyes. "But he's not. And he doesn't believe me" Kurt bit his lower lip, harshly.
"Man, I don't know, but…" Sam started, taking Kurt out of his incoming inner monologue. "Sounds like the guy has some self-esteem issues" he said understandingly, and took another pizza slice. "Oh, I'm gonna have to work out so hard tomorrow" Sam said, contemplating the slice.
Kurt observed him at awe. Exactly. How could he have not thought of that before? Look at Sam, Kurt said to himself. According to Blaine, the blond boy had some severe body related self-esteem issues even though he had a great body and liked to show it. Just like Sebastian liked to show and claim himself as an asshole even though Kurt had learnt he wasn't.
"Sam, you're a genius" Kurt let slip, putting down his salad.
Sam was still making eyes at his pizza. He looked at Kurt then, confused. Then shrugged and sank his teeth into the slice.
Kurt stared at his cell phone, standing on the table. No, Kurt, no. He looked at the TV then, and ordered himself to focus on the show. His eyes wandered back to his cell phone, though.
Half an hour later he couldn't take it anymore. He started writing a text, but erased it every time he finished it. He wrote the eighth one, and stared at it, distractedly. Sam asked him something then about a participant that wouldn't stop crying on the TV show. Kurt pressed 'send', before he could regret it.
To Sebastian S. (08:46 p.m.): Stop thinking about me! :P
P.s.2. After reading this chapter... would any of you guys be interested in a Samchel spin-off? I can't stop picturing their parallel storyline on this fic... It'd be a Samchel fic, but with some Kurtbastian, just like this fic included some Samchel... anyone'd be up for that?