Bruce Banner put down the thick, glossy-paged textbook he'd spent the last two hours poring over and sighed. He slid his glasses on top of his head before digging his knuckles into his eyes, partly to reenergize them, and partly to banish the unending illustrations of births-gone-wrong he'd been perusing. Then, he leaned back and stretched.

"You okay?" Pepper asked as she passed him on her way to the kitchen.

"No, not particularly."

"What's wrong?"

"I'm a very stupid man."

Pepper looked at the book and instantly understood. She came to stand behind him and began massaging his shoulders. "Yes, you are," she said fondly. "How'd you get yourself into this mess, anyway?"

"Oh, you know—that beloved bastard of ours, Tony Stark."

"Oh, yeah?"

Bruce nodded. "Yeah. Loki needed a pre-natal checkup and Tony didn't—doesn't—want to let the situation become public knowledge, so... he asked me to give him a once-over, and I said yes." He shrugged. "Now, I'm apparently the guy's obstetrician. Refer back to my previous statement—I'm an idiot. But, there's an unborn baby involved, plus Loki seems to have taken a liking to me, sooo..."

"You really are an idiot."

"Says the lady who threw him a baby shower."

"Hey, the fact that I can recognize idiocy in others doesn't mean I don't suffer from it myself. Of course, I'm pretty sure Tony Stark's a carrier. And Loki, well—there's just something about him that makes it really hard to hate the guy."

"I know..." Bruce said absently as he readjusted his glasses and dragged the text back into reading position. "He's charming, in an ex-villain-y kind of way. Plus, I'm probably the only guy capable of handling him if he starts throwing magic fireballs during labor. Well, the green guy." He looked back to give Pepper a rueful grin.

"Please don't joke about that."

He chuckled softly and waited until Pepper left the room to add, "Not a joke, sweetheart." He turned back to the page about preeclampsia and started to read.

Happily, Bruce and Loki had developed a good-humored sense of trust between them. Loki no longer hesitated to cooperate when Bruce came over to give him his weekly check-up—nothing elaborate, just a pulse and blood pressure check, and listening to Loki's and the baby's heartbeats. Normally, such frequent monitoring wouldn't be necessary, but given Bruce's limited obstetrical experience, his lack of advanced equipment, and having absolutely no knowledge of the Jotunn gestational period, he figured he'd better use what he could to create a "norm." That way, he could at least take note if a significant deviation in Loki's vitals were to develop.

Not that he was sure what he'd do if it did.

But, to date, things were progressing beautifully. As far as he could tell, the fetus was developing properly, and Loki was perfectly healthy. But, Loki presumably was entering his third trimester, and at this point, anything could happen. Gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, early labor, problems with the placenta—the list went on and on, and that wasn't even mentioning some sort of bizarre space alien condition that NO ONE on Earth would have any knowledge about.

Which kept Bruce returning to a nagging thought—sooner or later, he'd have to do an internal exam.

On Loki.

The prospect was slightly terrifying. First and most obviously, the idea of convincing Loki to let Bruce stick his fingers in a very intimate part of his body seemed laughable.

Second, there was the very real problem of accessing that intimate part. From what he'd been able to glean from Tony's bawdy description, Loki outwardly looked just like any other male, and it was only when he assumed his Jotunn form that his, uh, "quim," as Loki apparently called it, appeared. The thought was a little disconcerting.

Although, let's face it, Bruce was curious. He'd actually spent quite a bit of time wondering about the anatomical differences that Loki must be sporting under his Aesir skin, and the thought of actually getting to explore them was kind of exciting. But what would it tell him? What if Loki's Jotunn equipment was all... strange and squiggly inside? It wasn't like he could Google a diagram of it.

In any case, he really didn't want to go in until it was absolutely necessary.

And, there was another pressing issue—the question of Loki's due date. Loki's mom would have to be escorted from Asgard, and possibly his birth mother from Jotunheim as well, in order to cover all the intergalactic midwifery bases. Loki and Thor were going to have to coordinate so that the thunder god could play Bifrost taxi driver for the two women, and while Bruce didn't know much about their communication systems, he had a feeling there was more to it than sending a couple of texts.

Bruce had calculated a due date; assuming the agreed-upon date of conception was correct, and assuming the gestational period of a half-human, half-Jotunn-runt was similar to that of the average mortal, it was a fair bet that Loki would give birth sometime toward the end of May. But, who the hell knew if that was the case? Only by getting a look at the fetus's state of development could he feel confident in the numbers.

Ugh. He had to talk to Tony.

"Loki needs a sonogram," Bruce informed Tony over lunch.

They were at the deli down the street from Stark Tower. Loki was busy organizing Tony's office—a chore that Tony frankly never intended to do, and one which Pepper had long ago given up on—and had flatly refused to go anywhere until he had things under control. Surprisingly, the god had taken to the tedious work with relish, stating that he was bored enough to enjoy just about any project short of mucking out stables, so Tony had given him a basic rundown on how he wanted things sorted and filed, and then left him to it, promising to bring back a couple of ham-on-ryes for him. With cheese fries. And a soda. Because Loki was so concerned about eating healthy while pregnant.

Yeah.

"Huh?" Tony asked, looking up from his equally healthy pastrami sandwich.

Bruce held his gaze. "Look, Tony—you know I'm flying by the seat of my pants on this whole baby thing, and while I'm pretty sure that everything's fine—"

Tony's eyes narrowed. "'Pretty sure?'" he demanded.

"Well, it seems like it, but there're a lot of problems that could develop—if we're able to detect them in advance, we could prepare. And, to be honest, I'd like to get a preview of Loki's insides without, uh, actually becoming personally acquainted with them unless I have to." He braced himself for some crude references to Loki's sexual organs, but Tony just sat there, intermittently chewing. He picked up his drink cup, took a swig, and then cast a narrow look at Bruce.

"Where the hell am I supposed to get an ultrasound machine?"

"Can't you just bribe someone to give us time with one at the local hospital?"

"Could. Won't. It's too risky, people talk no matter how much you pay them. Anyway, are you saying you'd know how to run one?"

"Well, yeah, but I learned on a really old unit. I'm sure everything's changed somewhat. But, I imagine I could brush up pretty quickly."

"Still too risky. I don't want to take a chance on this news leaking out, for a lot of reasons."

They went back to their food for a moment, and then Tony said, "I could buy one."

Bruce paused in mid-bite of his veggie burger. "Kind of an expensive investment, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't matter. I could donate it somewhere afterwards."

"Well, that would be wonderful, but I don't think you can just zip down to medical supply and get one. I mean, I don't think you could stay anonymous, and even if you claimed you were getting it for charitable purposes, I'm afraid that would bring a lot of unwanted attention on you."

"Yeah." Tony nodded thoughtfully, drumming his fingers on the table. Suddenly, he brightened. "Hey, what about one of those, what do you call 'em, prenatal imaging places?"

"How would that be any better than a hospital?"

"Easier to scam. Look, I'll get you, me, and Loki fake IDs—he can be some exotic princess with diplomatic immunity, and I'll be her handler. We'll say Princess Peach only allows her personal physician—that's you—to deal with her intimate business, and she suddenly decided she wants a pic of her Royal Bun to send back home to her folks in Kazakhstan or someplace."

"Kazakhstan is a republic."

"Whatever. I'll get Pepper on it, we can do it this afternoon."

"Wow, really? That fast?"

"Do you still not know how awesome she is?"

"Oh, I know. I just didn't realize she could defy state, federal, and international law, all within a few hours. Or that she'd be willing to."

"Psh, leave her to me." Tony had already punched in Pepper's number and the phone was ringing on the other end.

"Hi, Tony," came Pepper's calm voice. "What's up?"

"Got a little request, gorgeous. Here's the deal..."

Bruce listened in quiet amusement as Tony went over the plan, and then as Pepper's voice rose loud enough for him to hear every word. It took some doing on Tony's part, but after five minutes of cajoling and bribery, Pepper agreed, and Tony hung up.

He smiled. "See? Piece of cake."

Bruce nodded. "Uh-huh. But, one more thing. How are you going to convince Loki to dress up like a princess?"

"Well, normally, I'd just tell him it was a sex thing. But for this?" Tony pursed his lips and balefully stared straight ahead. "I have no idea."

Loki was lounging on the living room couch among a nest of pillows, arms spread out and bare feet tucked under him. He was placidly listening to first Tony's, and then Bruce's explanation of what they had in mind for him that afternoon, including what an ultrasound was and how it worked. When they finished, he smiled beatifically. "You are both insane," he said coolly. "I'm going back to the archaeological dig that is Tony Stark's office, but feel free to dress up and have invisible sound waves run through your bodies all you want. I'm having none of it." With that, he grandly swung his feet to the floor and stood up, teetering a moment before steadying himself around his now front-heavy center of balance.

"Loki, sit down," Tony said. "Ultrasound's different than an X-ray, it's not dangerous."

"The procedure won't hurt the fetus, I promise," Bruce added. "But it'll give me information so I can be prepared when you give birth, in case something goes wrong."

"My mother has helped birth hundreds of babies, and she's invited Farbauti to attend as well. They are both great healers. Why should I have need of you?"

Bruce sighed. It had been a balancing act all along, trying to be positive and upbeat about what Loki was going to go through, while still keeping him grounded about the risks. He certainly didn't want to create unnecessary anxiety now. He gave Loki a rueful smile. "You're right, of course. I'm being overly cautious. But, isn't that what we want? To cover all the possibilities? With the ultrasound, we can determine that everything's fine so far. And, we'll probably be able to tell if it's a boy or a girl."

Loki crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow interestedly. "Go on."

"Honest, Loki, there's no danger, and it won't hurt. Lots of parents-to-be think it's fun! It doesn't take long, and you and Tony will get to see your kiddo before it's born. Don't you think that'd be cool?"

Loki shrugged slightly. "I suppose. But, this nonsense about my dressing as a female—" Loki raised his eyes and gave an annoyed sneer.

"It's not like you haven't done it before," Tony pointed out.

"That was different!"

Bruce held up a hand placatingly. "Hey, I don't blame you for not wanting to go along with our scheme. It's just—"

Tony's tone was serious now. "It's just, I can't take a chance on the media getting hold of this juicy bit of gossip." He took Loki's hand and led him back to the couch, pulling him against himself as they sat down. "I want to protect you and our baby from everything, always. Right now, I have to keep you away from the sick fucks who'd lose their minds over a chance to plaster us all over the front page of one of their trash rags. And, if that means putting you in a skirt for an hour with a fake name and foreign address, well, that's just the way it has to be."

"But, why is this so important?" Loki asked plaintively. "What are we afraid of?"

He looked at Bruce, and Bruce took a deep breath. "Loki... Bad things can happen during labor. Hemorrhage, resulting in the, uh, parent bleeding out. Cord wrapped around the baby's neck, cutting off its air. Unproductive contractions, needing a C-section. I'm not a medical doctor, and I honestly don't know what would happen if something like that came up, but that's why I want to do everything possible to reduce the risks. I know you're counting on your mom, but I have to ask—is she infallible?"

Loki blinked a few times and a sad look came over him. He swallowed hard and shook his head. "No. Some have been lost."

"Okay. And, not to be a complete worrywart, but there's no guarantee that she'll be here as soon as you go into labor. That's another reason for the ultrasound—we'll have a better idea of when to expect the little nipper to make an appearance." He put his hands together in mock supplication. "Come on. Just give me this one, will you? I swear I'll never make fun of you for wearing a dress."

Loki cracked a grin. "As if there'd be anything to make jest about. I'd be stunning." He sobered and turned to Tony. "Are you sure this is necessary?"

Tony took Loki's hand and squeezed it between his own. "I think so, yeah." He raised the hand to his lips and pressed a kiss against it. "Anything to help keep you safe, you know? Plus, I kind of want to know if it's a boy or a girl. Doesn't matter, but... I can't help it, I'm curious."

Loki tilted his head pityingly. "As I've pointed out before—it could be both."

"Yeah, I'm aware. If that's the case, I wouldn't mind having a little extra time to get used to the idea." He spoke lightly and smiled. "Come on, babe. Let's do it."

A low groan of annoyance came from the god's throat, but he nodded. "All right, all right, I'm weary of fighting. What do I have to do?"

"You have to put this on," a haggard-looking Pepper said from just inside the door. She held up a hanger holding a long flowing gown batiked in soft shades of green.

A pained look came over Loki, but he went to take it from Pepper. He eyed it critically. "Hmph. Well, I guess it's not too bad. Fine, I'll go change."

"Here, take this stuff too." Pepper handed him a bag, and when he peered inside, Loki could see it was filled with makeup and hair products. He gave her an exasperated huff, and Pepper shrugged. "Go change, I'll help you with the rest. Trust me, you'll be gorgeous."

"That was never in question. But, just so you know, when I again have the use of my seidr? I'm turning you all into wombats." Loki grabbed the bag from her hand and stalked off to the bathroom.

Tony watched Loki leave and then asked of Pepper, "Do you have the documents?"

She grimaced. "I do, and I'm with Loki on the wombat idea. Listen, Tony, this was Not. Easy. You owe me big time." She held out an envelope and Tony took it gingerly from her hand, as if expecting her to belt him with it. He pulled out authentic looking passports and ID cards, scuffed up enough to look worn.

"Perfect. Thanks a million, honey. I'll take care of you, you know that."

"Yeah, yeah. Call me when you can give me back the last six years of my life. Then, we'll talk."

Bruce came up and gave her a sympathetic hug, and they smiled at each other before Pepper announced, "I'd better go check on our phony princess."

"Technically, he's the real deal, in a super complicated way," Tony said helpfully.

"I'll keep that in mind when he fights me over the mascara and lip gloss. Oh, wait, I forgot—these are for you two." Pepper dug in another bag and pulled out a fuzzy blond beard and spray-in hair coloring, which she slapped into Tony's hand, and a large black mustache, which she gave to Bruce. The two men gave her a puzzled look and she grinned. "Disguises. Just to be on the safe side. It's okay, they're professional grade—if you put them on right, they won't look too goofy." Getting no response, Pepper shoved first Tony, then Bruce, in the direction of another bathroom. "Do it!"

The guys reluctantly headed off, and Pepper rolled her eyes before going to help Loki with his transformation.

Pulling off the scam turned out to be not that much of a trick. The receptionist looked at Loki—stunning as promised, with his masculine frame softened convincingly by the folds of the gown, a scarf tied around his long black hair, and makeup expertly applied to give him an exotic appearance—and then she turned her attention to a semi-blond Tony. He used his most charming persona and did all the talking, offering to call the State Department for her if she had any questions.

She didn't. She simply took Tony's cash payment, handed over forms for them to fill out, and then waved them off to a waiting area. They had it to themselves as there had been only one couple ahead of them, and they were called in to a room just as the three arrived.

The ultrasound technician was more of a challenge, put off as she was by the idea of giving up her machine over to a stranger. But a heavily-mustached Bruce managed to fake an almost indecipherable accent and made a show of confidence around the machine, repeatedly thrusting his "credentials" at her, and Tony soothingly backed him up, reiterating their story about the princess wanting to share a picture of her growing fetus with her family back home, until the tech threw her hands in the air, no doubt figuring it best to just let them get it over with before they caused an international incident.

It probably didn't hurt that Tony slipped her a few $100 bills. She tucked them in her pocket, set up the machine and left the room, announcing she was on break. Tony locked the door, wedging a chair under the door handle for good measure.

"Let's get this done, guys."

"All right." Bruce yanked off the mustache and then patted the padded table where the client was meant to lie down. "Can I get you to hop up here, Loki? Need a hand?"

"I'm fine," Loki said irritably. He easily hoisted himself up, swung his legs over, and lay back. "Now what?"

"Could you, uh... open your dress?"

"Ugh." Loki loosened a couple of ties on his gown and it fell open. He shifted around until he'd exposed his tummy. "All right?"

"Yeah, that works. Are you comfortable?"

"Reasonably so."

"Okay." Bruce found a small sheet in a drawer and lay it over Loki from his hips down, giving him additional privacy. He then took up the transducer probe and tested the machine. "See, I'll run this thing around on your stomach, and it'll show the image inside you up on that screen."

The screen in question was lit with snowy static. Bruce took a bottle of gel and showed it to Loki, indicating it would be rubbed on his skin. "This'll be cold at first, sorry. Now, this won't hurt, but I might have to press hard enough that it'll be uncomfortable once in a while. Is that okay?"

"Just get on with it."

"Okay, here goes." Bruce began moving the probe over Loki's tummy, observing the screen as he went. An image appeared, shaky and unclear, and the sound of a whooshing heartbeat filled the room. Tony stood by Loki's side, and the two stared intently at the screen.

"I don't see anything," Loki said, sounding disappointed.

Bruce nodded. "Yeah, I know, give me a minute to get the hang of this." He made adjustments and moved the probe around more slowly. All at once, the picture on the screen coalesced and became clear, and Tony gave an excited whoop.

"Look! Look at that, babe! That's... That's our baby." His eyes were wide in wonder as the grainy image of a perfectly-formed infant came into view.

Bruce kept the probe moving. "Yeah, this is good. Aw, you can see the little face! Eyes, nose, mouth... Here's the heart, beating nice and steady... Lungs, looking properly developed for this stage... Two arms, two hands, see, you can even count ten fingers. Now, let's see if we can get a look at..." He slid the probe lower, and the three could easily distinguish the baby's legs, feet, and toes.

And...

Bruce chortled. "Ha! Look there, right there, see? That, gentlemen, is a penis. You're having a boy, guys."

Loki peered suspiciously. "Are you sure that's... all?"

Bruce looked even more closely, pressing the probe in harder. "Yup. I see no evidence of female organs of any kind." He looked at Loki. "Disappointed?"

"That the poor creature doesn't take after me in the genitalia department? Hardly." He lay back, relief on his face. "Can you tell if it—I mean, he—has blue skin?"

"No, sorry, that's beyond the scope of the equipment. But, as far as I can tell, he's a normal-sized, properly formed fetus for the gestational period we're working with. And..." Bruce dipped the probe lower on Loki's body, frowning at the screen as he went.

"What?" Loki asked.

"Nothing. I was just checking something." Bruce was trying to get the lay of the land as far as Loki's internal organs were concerned. They were as expected, until Bruce got to the groin area. There, things got a little confusing, male and female plumbing tangled in with the rest. It took him a moment, but he was able to make sense of it. "Yes! Okay, we're good. Nothing is blocking the, uh, exit for the baby. When the time comes, you'll just have to change to your Jotunn appearance, and the kid'll have a clear path. Whew."

"Is that what you were worried about?" Loki asked in exasperation. "Of course there's a 'clear path,' how do you think Jotunns come to be in existence in the first place?"

"Can't say I know anything about that," Bruce answered mildly. "I just wanted to get everything straight in my mind." He leaned down and punched a button on the machine. It made a clicking sound before whirring into action, producing a series of photos of the fetal image. "Here you go. Baby's first photo session." He handed the pictures to Loki, watching with satisfaction as a broad smile came over the god's face.

"Look, Tony. This is remarkable. The Aesir are so scornful of Midgard's capabilities, yet there is nothing like this in all the realm. Fools."

Tony took the photos and examined each one in turn. "Wow. Amazing." He leaned down to address Loki's stomach. "Hey, little guy! Got your portrait here! You sure are good-looking. Of course, look at who your parents are, but still. Someone's got a side career in modeling ahead of him!"

"Gods, Stark, do shut up," Loki said in amusement. "He's going to be enough trouble without you turning him into a vain little prick before he's even born." The parents shared a laugh and a kiss while Bruce turned off the machine and stuck his mustache back on.

"All right, let's get out of here before someone else comes along and we have to do the dog and pony show again."

Loki sat up, refastened his gown, and climbed off the table. Then, the three made a fast exit, breezing past the tech and the receptionist. "Sir!" she called, holding up a piece of paper. "Do you want your receipt?"

"Keep it!" Tony yelled as he zipped out the door. "Kazakhstan's not picky about expense reports!"

The two women watched the trio leave and then glanced at each other. They shrugged, and went back to their usual duties, happy for a moment of peace and quiet before more clients came in.