Chapter 39

The girl had left the second the transfer was complete and the only thought rolling around in Crovell's head was how good it was to be Chaos again. Not that he hadn't learnt a valuable lesson during his time as Order, just the opposite, he felt as though he understood his sister so much better now. But just because he had a better understanding of the love of his life, didn't mean he didn't like being Chaos again. Nor did it mean he wasn't going to enjoy the sensation it left as it ran wild round his body.

Leaving Jo to gather herself together and reface the world as Order, he set out in order to track down Arados. His timing couldn't have been more coincidently bizarre, however, as he arrived at the Motos flat, figuring his brother hadn't moved since Jo last saw him there, Kaiba and Yugi also arrived. For a moment Crovell was unable to take in what it was Kaiba was holding. Then, as he watched him lower it down on the couch, he felt his younger brother's presence right behind him.

'What the hell, is that Duke?'

'I think you'd better leave Ara,' Yugi flicked his gaze up towards him, 'and tell Téa not to come in here either, neither of you need to see this.'

'Like hell I don't! Stop treating me like a four year old just because I'm pregnant.'

'He's pregnant,' Kaiba cocked an eyebrow in amusement, 'congratulations, who's the father?'

'That's kind of a touchy subject right now,' Yugi warned, 'it's complicated.'

'I bet it is,' he gave a half laugh and shook his head, 'but at least that's something to envy.'

'Kaiba…'

'He's not…' Crovell cut Yugi off before he had a chance to finish what he was about to say.

The shock which had paralysed him had finally worn off, leaving him to try and convey his feelings the best he could. But that wasn't exactly easy to do when what he was feeling was so completely intangible.

'Crovell,' Yugi's sorrowful eyes met with his, 'there was nothing any of us could do.'

'No,' he shook his head, as tears welled up in his eyes, 'he's not!'

'C…' Arados placed a comforting hand on Crovell's shoulder, 'do you want me to get Jo for you?'

'No. Because…No! He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not!'

'C, calm down,' his brother tried to placate him, 'I know he meant a lot to you and I'm really, really sorry for your loss but…'

'Don't,' he pulled himself away from Arados. 'Don't you dare tried to tell me you understand. How could you possibly understand? You never took a Daiosen; you have no idea what it feels like to have one.'

'Yes but I know what it feels like to have a father and…'

'No,' he cut him off again. 'Don't tell me you can even begin to comprehend this. Don't you even dare try to compare my Daiosen to our Dad. It's not the same. It will never been the same,' he half screamed. 'Don't you get that? You can't understand this. None of you can. But he is not dead,' he jabbed his finger towards Duke's body. 'I know he's not dead,' his voice started breaking. 'I would know if he was dead and he's not dead.'

'You were half in love with him,' Yugi murmured in amazement, 'if it wasn't for Jo…'

'You were in love with him,' Arados cut Yugi off in amazement. 'You… you were…'

'Not were,' Crovell shook his head. 'Am. I am in love with him, because he's not dead. Don't you understand that? HE'S NOT DEAD.'

'But how can you have been in love with both him and Jo?'

'I need Jo in a way I will never need him. But that doesn't mean I don't need him. And he's not dead, so I can still have him,' his voice was beginning to break with tears.

It had been so long since he'd felt the Chaos rushing through him he'd forgotten how much toll it took on his emotions. If this had happened a week, maybe two later then he wouldn't be breaking down like this. But he couldn't control what he was feeling or the Chaos mixing into his wayward emotions.

'C I had no idea,' Arados again tried to placate him, 'but denial isn't going to make this any easier for you.'

'I'm not denying anything,' he was starting to wish his breakdown wasn't quite so dramatic. 'Why don't any of you understand? He's not dead.'

'He's not alive,' Kaiba spoke up for the first time in a little while. 'You can come and check that for yourself if you like,' his gaze lifted as best it could to meet with Crovell's. 'He died to save your father. He gave his life for one last act of kindness. Don't diminish what he did because you can't…'

'He is not dead,' Crovell breathed out each word with a slow kind of pain. 'I don't know what that worthless shell you have is trying to prove, but he is not dead.'

'Crovell…!'

'No Kaiba,' he cut him off, 'he's not dead. He's not dead. He's not dead.'

'C…'

'He's not dead Ara,' he turned on his brother. 'If he were I wouldn't be able to feel him still,' clenching his fists one on top of the other, he placed them both above his heart.

'You're probably just feeling his Nethher Herin,' Arados tried to give him a sympathetic smile. 'Just because he's dead doesn't mean he's stopped existing, remember?'

'You think I don't know the difference between a Nethher Herin and someone who's alive,' Crovell screamed at him, half attacking his brother as he did. 'You think I would be so easily fooled? Look at him,' he pointed towards Duke's skeletal body. 'The Teen was taking his soul for all it was worth. He wouldn't have had enough left to become a Nethher Herin. He wouldn't have had enough left to become anything but a whisper, a faint residue. And if there was more than that…' his voice began breaking again. 'If there was more than that it wouldn't be enough to feel alive, because he hasn't felt alive in so long.'

'You could sense what he was feeling,' Arados frowned.

'Even when I was Order I could sense him. I knew exactly where he was and exactly what he was doing, always. And I know he could sense me too, maybe not on the same level, but I know that he could. He is my Daiosen.'

'If he's still alive now, then where is he,' Yugi encouraged, clearly overwhelmed enough by the emotions Crovell was leaking to at least humour him.

'I don't know,' Crovell's voice broke tearfully, 'that's the one thing I don't know. But I know he's not here. He's not even close by. But he's still alive, you have to believe that.'

'I'm sorry Crovell,' Kaiba shook his head, 'but we can only believe the evidence that's presented to us. I wish we could believe you, but don't you think that maybe, just maybe, you're just hoping he's alive?'

'I've loved him since the moment I was born,' Crovell glared at him. 'For as long as I can remember I've been connected to him in a way that none of you will ever understand. Not even Jo. In fact I knew I was in love with him long before it ever dawned on me that Jo was my other half. If he were really dead, then I'd be doing everything in my power right now to bring him back. But he's not really dead, he's still alive out there somewhere. Why can't you believe me?'

'Because the evidence is pretty damning,' Kaiba sighed. 'I'm sorry Crovell, I know this is hard for you, but…'

'SHUT UP,' he screamed. 'JUST SHUT UP! I'LL PROVE TO YOU… I'LL PROVE TO ALL OF YOU THAT HE'S STILL ALIVE. I'LL FIND HIM AND WHEN I DO… when I do…' his voice broke softly, 'then you'll all have to drop this charade,' his lips and nose began to quiver with tears. 'You'll all have to drop this charade and admit I was right. That he is alive.'