Chapter 43

Mai watched Joey's sleeping form as he lay half sprawled across their bed. There was something about him which looked a little different to how she remembered. She wasn't sure she could put her fingers on what it was exactly, but he just looked… different. For a few long minutes her heart lurched uncomfortably in her chest. She couldn't help but wonder if the reason he looked so differently to her now was because of the guilt she had over Kashmana.

Nothing happened between them, so she wasn't sure what she was so worried about. She was just feeling lost and lonely, Kashmana was attractive and kind; that's all there was to it, so then why did she feel… Moving herself close in beside Joey, she wrapt her arms around his waist and closed her eyes. A part of her remembered a long forgotten time, when Joey was the only Mistress host and he would lie like this for hours when the First went of to consult her sisters. It felt now like such a long time ago, but she could still remember every beat of worry she'd felt. Every second of fear she had over him never waking up again. She could remember it as clearly as if she was feeling it now, the only thing that wasn't clear was whether or not it was because she was feeling it again now.

'Wake up Joey,' she whispered to him, 'I need you to wake up so I can become sure. I need you to wake up so I can know, really know, what it is I'm feeling right now. Joey please wake up, because I'm scared I…'

'Don't complete that sentence Win Mai, please,' Kashmana's voice sounded from the foot of her bed. 'You do love him, I can promise you that.'

'But how can you be so sure, when I'm not,' she turned her gaze towards him, admiring how he looked in the half light of her room.

'You're just confused right now. The confusion will lift and when it does you'll wonder how you could ever have doubted your feelings for him.'

'But what if when the confusion lifts I realise I don't love him anymore,' she sat up.

'I told you; you're just confused right now Win Mai, you do love him.'

'And do you love me,' she pulled herself towards him. 'You said you did before, did you mean it?'

'Win Mai…' he averted his gaze, 'you know I can't answer that question.'

'Why not? You were more than prepared to steal me from the First before, why not now?'

'I can't explain that to you.'

'Why not,' she reached out to grab his hand. 'Why can't you tell me the truth, you owe me that much, don't you?'

'I'm sure I do,' he glanced towards her, 'but that doesn't mean I can tell you what it is.'

'Why not?'

'Because…'

'Please Kashmana; I need you to tell me, do you love me?'

Behind her she heard Joey stirring, dropping her hold of Kashmana's hand, she turned towards him. There was something so peaceful about the look on his face as he started to rouse that sent a wave of something drifting through Mai.

'Where am I,' his voice was whispery quiet as his eyes slowly opened.

'You're home.'

'Home?'

'Yes, back in the Southern Palace, where you belong.'

'And where was I before?'

'Somewhere far away.'

'Where?'

'Does that matter,' Kashmana answered before Mai had a chance to.

Hearing his voice, a strange smile appeared on Joey's face and he half closed his eyes in apparent bliss.

'Kashmana…'

'You remember me?'

'How could I forget you,' Joey laughed. 'You were such a precocious child; how could anyone ever forget you?'

'Joey,' Mai swallowed strangely.

'What is it Mai,' opening his eyes again, he turned his head towards her.

'You remember meeting Kashmana before?'

'Yes Mai.'

'But… but that was the First.'

'I know, but I am the First now, remember?'

'Do you remember how she felt about him,' she frowned anxiously.

Turning himself onto his side, Joey gently placed a hand on Mai's arm and lifted his gaze up to meet hers.

'Probably the same way you do now,' his voice was soft. 'Even as an infant Kashmana had a habit of making things confusing.'

'You…' Mai stammered. 'I… I mean… I…'

'It's okay Mai, I can't blame you,' he rolled himself back onto his back, 'of all the MacTay, true blood or not, Kashmana is by far the most naturally charming. There are some who say he doesn't need to say a word to capture you in his charms.'

'It doesn't work on everybody,' Kashmana smirked, 'I've met a few who have resisted me.'

'Just because they resist your charm, doesn't mean they never felt it. You're special Kashmana, you always have been.'

'Just don't let the others hear you say that,' he made a strange noise, 'they might use it as an excuse to confirm the belief that I'm…'

'You are just the Pure's descendent,' she cut him off, 'and probably the most like her of all her descendants. You have a darkness in you, just like she does. It doesn't make you part demon, just like it doesn't make her part demon, but what you are is close enough.'

'So you're saying I'm as good as a Hateling?' There were a few notes of anger in Kashmana's voice.

'No, not at all,' she shook her head, 'you just share some of their qualities.'

'Well that's bad enough,' he turned away from her. 'Why are you telling me this?'

'I'm not telling you anything you didn't already know Kashmana.'

'Just because I know it, doesn't mean I want to hear it; especially not from you.'

'Hush now,' Joey sat up and forced him to meet his gaze, 'there's no need for you to get yourself so worked up. There's no shame in what you are. Just like there's no shame in her attraction towards you,' he indicated towards Mai.

'Joey…' Mai found herself unable to understand the strangeness in his attitude.

'It's okay Mai,' he smiled at her, 'I promise, everything's going to be okay.'