WARNING: 18 and over only due to foul language

Before I had kids, January 1st marked the start of a new diet. A new outlook on life. The beginning of a new, exciting conquest to tackle the world's problems, my own problems, and the problems of those around me. Plans were carefully laid out and I was certain that THIS year would be the year that I didn't break the promise to myself to be better. By January 20th, I unceremoniously discovered that I'm a fucking liar. My ideas were too grand and my willpower was about as strong as the underwire in a Wal-Mart bra. Inevitably, I'd slowly let go of my big dreams and accept the New Year would be the same as the last. For the most part it worked because my life was fine. I wasn't unhappy or desperate for change, so trying to force a change just wasn't going to work no matter how many spread sheets or new agendas I started. I was me and that was that. Then I got knocked up. The New Year following the birth of Jackson, I was determined to sleep more. That was it. That resolution was broken almost immediately, but the blame lies completely with my child who refused to sleep at all until he was over a year old. The second new year after becoming a mother, I was determined to get fit. I wanted washboard abs, an ass that begged to have quarters bounced off of it, and boobs that defied the laws of gravity. I was going to run on my treadmill ever night after the baby was put to bed. Totally reasonable, right? WRONG. There are many mothers out there who can manage to carve out time to head to the gym, but I wasn't one of them. My downtime is MY time. On the first of January 2014, my only goal was to get a little better organized. My house was mountain of plastic and cereal, and I was ready to tackle it. For once, I was a success! Over the year, we actually figured out a way to have the house fun for the kids without my living space looking like Target after looters ravaged the place. Only problem? With all the cleaning, sorting, and parenting, I became a fat, sad bitch.

I was fucked over by organization.

In previous years, all of this would have panicked me. If I had told my old self that in a few years I'd be sitting here overweight and lazy, old me would have laughed! Then cried. I always said I wouldn't be 'THAT woman'. You know, the one who can't handle life. The thing is, I did handle life! I handled what I had to when I had to, but in the process I also handled lots of chocolate, cookies, muffins, wine, grease, and ribs. So. Many. Ribs. As I navigated my chaotic life, I made a decision to forget the absolutes that come with resolutions and instead I decided to give myself permission to do what I had to in order to start getting things accomplished. If eating my stress meant that the house would finally be organized and my child didn't have to go through any motherly meltdowns, then so be it. As it happens, the stress of the year threw a depression curveball my way, so I'm actually thankful that I had my focus on only one project.

So, as the first day of January 2015 rolled over, it was time for me to make a new promise to myself. The past taught me to avoid making grand statements, so I went with a few simple tasks for the year instead.

1: I'm putting away the bitch card.

Since I've been a small child, everyone has joked about my bossy ways. My bitchy ways. If there was someone in my life with a problem, they would always come my way looking for advice, which I always gave freely. I'd listen to people complain for hours about how terrible life was, how unhappy they were, and how everything is SO HARD. I'd talk them through it, tell them what they should do, and all that jazz. Nine times out of ten, the same person would come to me again bitching about the same thing, looking for the same advice I already gave that they refused to listen to. The frustration would cause fights between my family and me, it was making me eat, and I hated always having to say what others never wanted to. It's not a nice feeling to be shit on when you're not the problem. So, this year I am picking and choosing when I want to be the go-to person. No longer will I sit on the other side of a conversation for an hour that is one-sided. I have a life too, ya know!

This also means I won't be getting in to battles with others. If you want to sink yourself under a pile of bad decisions, that's cool! I'm going to be cheerful and ignorant of your situation. You are not my children; therefore I am not going to pretend to be your mother. You are in charge of saving yourself, and if you go off the deep end I'm going to just ignore it. My life is too short and too promising you worry about your issues.

2: Stop getting fat.

Now, I'm not making any crazy commitment to get skinny and fit by the end of the year. In fact, if I don't lose one pound this year I'm cool with that! However, it is time to stop the gain. Over the course of last year I gained 30lbs, and that is enough. My clothes now fit uncomfortably, my boobs are massive, and it's hard to move this extra weight. The time is here and all I need to do is adjust my habits to fit this goal. What adjustments will I make? I'm forcing myself to try new recipes, eat more plant-based meals, and stop the stress snacking. Luckily, with the house organized and my letting go of other people's drama, I already have noticed a huge improvement in the urge to fill my stomach with the chocolate I've hidden from Jackson.

But I do like beer. So it's time to slowly fix the wrong without forcing myself to give up the occasional 10:30am beach beer. That shit is sacred.

Be kind, be caring, be kinky.